The Diary of an Angry White Woman in America

Life's a dance you learn as you go....

2008-04-21T02:37:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I used a line from a song as the title of this post. Big deal. It is just so fitting to all the life lessons I have been learning this past few weeks. I am sitting here tonight, in the gazebo of the hotel in Texas, thinking. What I should be doing is finishing my packing, washing my stinky, sweaty ass and steeling myself for a twelve hour long bus ride home. ( I also need to figure out how to steal one of the hotel pillows without them noticing as I need one to sleep in the bus, and didn't bring one with me.) Instead I am sitting here waiting for Heath to get off work and come pick up Melanie's cooler which she left here last night, and blogging. Typical procrastination technique that I am so good at, wait until the last minute to do everything that needs doing and blame it on someone else being late. I have been sitting here reading my emails, and drinking Bacardi silver raz (yummy by the way), and thinking back on all the things I have learned about myself lately. (And about other people as well.)

1.) Drinking foo-foo drinks gives me nasty hangovers. (stick with jack and coke, buzz with no regrets.)

2.) I am stupid.

3.) Eight people can polish off three cases of beer and a case of foo-foo drinks in less than five hours, but the effects are much more lasting.

4.) Girls in Texas pound back beer faster than most men I know.

5.) I am a hopeless romantic, and that sucks, and hurts, and still I can't seem to change that about myself.

6.) Don't judge a book by the synopsis on the back cover. People are often much more,or much less than what they appear to be at first glance.

7.) I have the innate ability to make friends quickly, and somehow always seem to find that one person in a whole group of people that is a friendship fit with me.

8.) If you are a hard worker, people will bend rules to keep you happy.

9.) Texas grows on you.

10.) I need to learn to better defend my heart against inevitable pain.

11.) If I want something bad enough, I am sure to never get it.

12.) The Texas branch of my company will waive the 45 day wait that you usually have to have in order to leave one plant and apply at another. (In fact, their general manager will put me to work today if I choose to stay.)

13.) The Iowa management doesn't want me to move to Texas.

14.) I want to go back to school. (maybe some online classes to start with?)

15.) When talking on the phone with a friend in Indiana at four in the morning, don't call her crazy when she says she just felt an earthquake. (she really did)

16.) Don't loan someone your cell phone at three am, they just may accidentally speed dial your friend in Indiana.

17.) I want to join a gym.

18.) If you may possibly want to steal a pillow from your hotel, take it from someone else's room.

19.) You can find sushi in Texas.

20.) I hate the Golden Corral.

21.) I am going to up-bid for a better paying position when I get back to Iowa. (The responsibility won't kill me!)

22.) At least one of the Upper-middle management at my facility thinks I would make a great lead-person. (As a stepping stone to supervisor.)

23.) No matter how many people love you, it is still possible to feel very lonely most of the time.

24.) I want to be held when I sleep, and not having that is part of my insomnia problem.

25.) Texas shaped waffles rock!

26.) I wear an invisible sign somewhere that only men can see that seems to say..."only good enough to be a piece on the side."

27.) That will never be enough for me.

28.) I deserve better.

29.) I need more.

30.) I want to be loved without reservation, or hesitation and without end.

31.) If I don't go pack I will be stuck in Texas.

That's all, goodnight.

I am not afraid of messing with Texas....

2008-04-17T06:42:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I am sitting in the little the gazebo at the hotel in Texas. It is currently 0644 in the a.m. and I am finally starting to feel a little tired. That is a good thing since the insomnia has started up again with a vengeance. My roommate is a very light sleeper so I have been spending my nights wandering aimlessly or hanging out in the lobby. Tonight I stumbled upon the fitness center and in an attempt to wear myself into exhaustion and hopefully sleep, I spent two hours just working out. I really need to join a gym. It has been ages since I have done any real exercise, and it felt great. I spent 20 minutes with the weight machine thingy, then 40 minutes on the treadmill and an hour on the life cycle. It is funny, after all that exercise I ran the fitness test on the life cycle and it says I am at "above average" fitness. I can maintain a good speed for the duration and my heart rate never seems to get out of target range. I am actually right in the dead center of target. So I guess that is good for a woman who by government health guidelines is about 50 pounds overweight, is closing rapidly in on her 37th birthday, smokes two packs a day, and never gets any real exercise. Maybe if I join a gym I can finally fall into the governments ideal weight class for my height. (Though personally I think if is get that small I will look like I need a cheeseburger!) The work trip has gone well, for the most part. I have become quite close to many of my co-workers. We have had a blast getting to know each other outside of work. I have picked up a few new Spanish words, and some of the bigots in Texas are beginning to wonder if I am not a Hispanic disguised as a white girl. I swear if one more person here says to me (and I quote) "It is nice to know someone from Iowa TALKS English.", I may just end up in jail! I finally responded to some of them stating that "Why yes, I do SPEAK English. So do my teammates. When you learn to speak English as well as they do, you might try speaking with them." I don't think the people in this plant are too pleased with me. I will say that not everyone has been rude like that I have met some wonderful people here. I will be staying on with a small group that will not be returning on Friday as was planned, but we will stay to work the weekend and return to Iowa on Monday. I have become quite comfortable with the machine I will be operating when we get back to our plant. I have also learned that I am in for two back to back raises. One for going up a grade by becoming an M-tek operator (that is the machine I will be running.), and one for being with the company for one year. Yeah for me! I am finally starting to feel a bit sleepy, so I think I will just share a few photos from my trip, and head to bed. UPDATE!!!! I was attempting to upload some pictures of my trip but every time I hit the finish button Internet explorer shuts down. I give up for now, will try again when I am wired in to the net instead of on the stupid hotel wi-fi system. That's all, goodnight! (Okay it is 0732, but it is time for me to attempt sleep so....)

new video blog parts one, two and three.....

2008-04-12T10:52:00.002-05:00

videoblog1
bloggingpart2
videoblog3
That's all (for now), Bye.

A quick update...

2008-04-06T23:11:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I know I have been gone for a long time this time, but things have been kind of crazy lately. I am still staying at Toni's and I am still working, though not nearly enough. My company is doing a refit of all the machines in our plant and so I have been cut back to four days a week, about five hours a day. Unfortunately that means the paychecks have been rather less than what I have become accustomed to. Things are still very bad between the hubby and myself. I do not anticipate a return to my marriage. I have come to the realization that I just can't do that to myself again. Every day for years, I was dying a little more, and I have decided that I need to be away from him and regain myself. He has the children which is difficult for all of us. But for right now is what is best for the kids. He says that he wants us to have joint custody, but he wants to be the custodial parent. I am not sure how I feel about that. I have been doing a lot of soul searching as of late, and I will let you know what I decide, when I decide it. I did have some good in my life recently. I went on a vacation and spent a week with my best friend in the world. I was very happy for that short period of time. Happier than I have been in years. But leaving was difficult. And I miss my best friend terribly. I hope to be able to visit again soon. For now things are back to the same old, same old. I will be taking a trip to Texas on the 11th of this month. My company is sending me to get some training on some new equipment we will be working with when the refit is done. I was hoping that the trip would be somewhat of a vacation, but it appears that that will not be the case. I will be working second shift down there as well, and will put in a seven day work week. That will do my bank account some good, but leaves little time for recreation. I think I may, however, buy myself my first bathing suit in more than ten years, and lay next to the pool during my sleeping hours. I am in serious need of a tan! The Honey is doing well, except that he is sick and working too much as per usual. I guess that is all for now, I will post again when I have the chance, but as my computer still lives at my home, and I do not, I do not know when that will be. I miss you all, and hope to hear from you soon. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. Mary, you have my email addy.... use it!

The Fergie fiasco, and new shoes...

2008-02-25T00:53:00.003-06:00

Okay, so my beautiful dog Fergie has landed herself in doggie Dachau! That's right, she is in the pound. They are keeping her jailed for the next ten days! Ten days! I could go commit a convenience store robbery and be out in less time. See she made a bid for freedom this afternoon. But that is not why she is in doggie jail. She ran wildly allover the neighborhood. Romping with the kids chasing her, scaring all the other animals whose paths she crossed. She was having fun. She let the kids chase her for awhile, then she turned and chased them for awhile. The game continued thusly until a helpful neighbor decided she could be of assistance. She went into her house and came back out with a treat for Fergie. A rawhide chew stick. Fergie's favorites. Of course Fergie eats them completely in a matter of less than a minute, so it is not something she gets often. The woman held out the treat to Fergie hoping to help the kids catch her. Fergie took the treat, but scraped the woman's pinkie finger in the process. Her husband freaked out. He showed up at my house demanding to see shot records. He called the police. He called the pound. They came and took my sweet Fergie. The woman from the animal shelter was shocked when she met Fergie. She expected some vicious beast. Instead she was met by a 95 pound lap dog who wanted to lick her face and who was shaking all over with excitement at all the attention she was getting. She spoke with the woman who got "bit". I will say she was honest. She admitted that Fergie did not intend to hurt her, and that she was fine. Her husband was drunk and belligerent, but since Fergie broke skin she had to be taken. On the downside, it will cost around one hundred and fifty bucks to spring her from doggie jail. But, on the upside, since she was actively being pursued we are not getting a dog at large ticket and the fine will cover this year's license fees and micro chipping. Her rabies vaccines are all current, so it is just a matter of waiting the ten days for her to come home. The kids have learned a valuable lesson about being careful when coming and going from the house, and the shelter is within walking distance so they can go and see her everyday if they want to. All in all, it could have been a whole lot worse. The worst part of it all was hearing my children sobbing as they took Fergie away. For that I will find a way to get even with the drunk bastard who did this! But, that will wait ... for awhile.

After the whole Fergie fiasco, I took my son Jamie to get some new shoes. I seem to have to get him new ones every other month these days. I think puberty is officially hitting him. His voice is starting to crack a bit when he speaks. He has shot up over the past few months and is now taller than I am by a few inches. He is sprouting underarm hair ( I will not ask about other places, there are some things a mom doesn't need to know), and today the shoes we bought were a men's size twelve. Twelve! When did that happen? I swear it seems like just last week that I was holding him in my arms nursing him. His big brown eyes looking up at me like I was the sun, the moon and all the stars rolled up together. Actually, as much as we fight these days, he still looks at me like that sometimes. He is a great kid all in all. And funny! He makes me giggle with his silliness. We had fun shopping together, though he did get a bit irritated when i made him help me find the "boyshort" panties I wanted! (hahahahaha) I sometimes wish he would stay my little boy, but it is also fun watching him grow into a man. That's all, goodnight.

A little bout of crazy...

2008-02-23T22:48:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I had a crazy day. Not crazy like strange things happened. I was crazy today. I woke up feeling as though I wanted to cry. I have no idea why. I hid it well I think. For the most part. When I got to work, Lina (Catalina) said that I looked "too happy." She just smiled and did her little heart throb sign at me. I smiled and walked away. How could I explain to someone who speaks so little English that I was faking it. That what I wanted to do was scream, and sob, and I didn't know why? I cheated and listened to my MP3 player all night while I was working. My bosses know I do it sometimes. They don't care. I just have to be careful with the QA lady that doesn't like me. She takes it personally that I break all the rules. It is nothing personal. It is just my nature. Hell, the big boss just rolls his eyes and pretends not to notice when he catches me at it. Maybe it is because my rule breaking does not hurt anyone. It does not effect my job performance, except to maybe help me make it through another cold boring night. So anyway, I listened to music, and sang loudly and badly all night. And managed to hold back the tears until I was standing in the cold waiting for Toni to come pick me up and bring me back here. That was when the Dam broke. I just stood there, tears running down my face, not knowing why, and trying to keep everyone from noticing. When I got in the car, the sobs came. I went to Toni's for awhile and cried til the tears wouldn't come anymore. I feel better now. I still don't know why I needed the tears today. But whatever it was, is gone for now. So today is a good day. That's all, goodnight.

Work, kids, sinuses! I need a vacation!

2008-02-21T01:35:00.006-06:00

Okay, so I have been working A LOT! It seems that is all I am doing these days. At least six or seven days a week, and a little bit of overtime almost every day. Things are not getting any better around here. The hubby still does NOTHING to make things easier on me. I am expected to work until one in the morning, and then get up at six to get the kids off to school. Sometimes I can, sometimes I sleep right through my alarm clock and my phone alarm going off. Hell, lately I have even slept right through The Honey calling. I got a letter from the school about my son's absences and tardies. They have threatened me with the county attornies office and the truancy officer. I wonder how many of those people exist on 3 hours of sleep a day on average? When I was living at Toni's I was able to get more sleep. I still had to be the one to get the kids up for school each day, either by calling and waking them up, or getting up off the couch and driving over here and wake them up myself, but I was sleeping longer, and the sleep I got was much more restful. Since I have been back home, I am suffering from insomnia again, and the sleep that I do manage seems to leave me wanting. My brain is starting to rebel. My thoughts are starting to get fuzzy around the edges, and I am starting to have nightmares during my short bursts of sleep. I slept quite a bit last night. The kids did not have school this morning due to the extreme cold front that came through this area last night. So I took a double dose of nyquil and passed right out after I got home from work at one thirty in the morning. You would think I would have felt better after that. HA! I woke up with a sore throat and my head so stopped up I sounded like Fran Dresher. I took something for my sinuses this morning. What a mistake. My nose is so sore from wiping and blowing that I am considering an ice pack for it. (Insert sad, whiney face here) (With a bright red Rudolph nose.) I am about to take some more nyquil. As soon as it starts to kick in I will crawl to the couch and collapse. The hubby has said he will just stay up all night to make sure the kids get off to school in the morning. If he doesn't, I will offer him up to the county attorney myself. That's all, Goodnight.

Valentine's Day can kiss my ...

2008-02-13T10:08:00.003-06:00

Okay, so Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Who cares? The truth of the matter is I do. I know it is just another day, but this year for the first time in eighteen years, I will not be part of a couple on Valentine's Day. I will be alone, utterly and completely alone. I will get no roses. No candies. No jewlery. I will get no romantic card. No dinner out. No night of pampering and romance. The last time i was single on Valentine's Day, I bought myself my rose tattoo that is on my ankle. Maybe this year I will get something fun again. Maybe I will get a new tattoo. Maybe I will get something peirced. Maybe I will go out to the bar and find a boy that wants to kiss me. Or maybe, what is more likely is that I will work all night, and then come home, cuddle up on my couch alone, and cry myself to sleep. Being so completely alone on Valentine's Day sucks. That's all, Bye.

Quick Update...

2008-02-12T12:20:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything new. There are a number of reasons why...I haven't been living here where my computer is...I have been working a lot...I have been lazy.... Mostly, it is because I have been lazy. My life is full of such drama sometimes that it saps all the energy right out of me. So, here is a quick update on what is going on in my life. I am living back at my house again. No, I did not come back to the hubby. I came back to my children. I am sleeping on the couch, and I do not anticipate sleeping anywhere but the couch for a very, very long time. (I really should look for a more comfortable couch.) I am working a lot these days. We just finished a seven day week (which means at least 12 days without a day off), which really sucks as I am one of those put in my forty and go home kind of people. But, I can use the money, and next month we will have reduced hours. Toni and I are having some issuses, she is still my best friend, but things are a bit strained between us right now. The Honey is all healed up from his injuries, and has been back at work for some time. We still try to find time to talk everyday. He still makes me smile like no one else can. (And sigh.) I have been spending too much time out at the bar after work lately, so I have decided to cut down to twice a month. I am hoping to get my income taxes done this week. I need to buy myself a car and get my license. I am tired of having to ask for rides everywhere, and I need my independence back. Well, that is about all that I can think of at the moment. I will be blogging more soon I promise. I have to go get ready for work now. Hugs to you all. That's all, Bye.

I miss you....

2008-01-20T17:16:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I need the net at Toni's house. Fast! I miss all my blog buddies! That's all, Goodnight.

A beautiful mind (Kylie's of course...)

2008-01-18T00:41:00.000-06:00

Okay, so i know I have not been posting much this last couple of weeks. I probably won't be posting much this next few either. As of last night, I no longer "live" here. Really not much has changed. I only spent one night in the last two weeks here anyway. I come home from work, do my online thing for awhile, and then head over to Toni's to sleep. That is how things will continue. At least for now. Other than that, not much has been going on. I went out a few times last week with Tiffany and Sicca (Fransisca, Sisca, Frenchie...that woman uses more names than I can keep up with.) We had a good time until Sicca's boyfriend decided to be an ass and come start an argument with her in the bar. Apparently it is just fine for him to go to a bar without her (which is what he had done before she called me to go out.) but it is not okay for her to do the same. After security escorted him out of the bar, he decided he would mess with her car so that when we went to leave, she would have to call him to come save us. Ha, joke is on him. Between myself and Tiffany's new boyfriend Scott, we figured out the problem. Scott kept insisting that he had done something to the fuel pump. I said he had unscrewed some spark plugs...(the thing was misfiring badly.) I was almost right. What he had done was to move all the spark plug wires around so that it would misfire. We could start it, but it won't stay running for long like that. So, once we got them back in the right order, her car ran like a champ. I hope she rethinks it before going back to him. I need to call her soon and see how she is. Today, I spent a few hours with my sweet Princess Poo Poo Nut (My daughter Kylie for the uninformed.) She and i had breakfast together, and then played awhile. She was singing up a storm for me. I pulled out the camera and of course she all of a sudden got shy, go figure. My Kylie

Add to My Profile | More Videos But we had a great time, and then laid down on the couch and took a nap together. I work on Saturday night, but I hope to have a "girls day" with Corrine, Kylie, and Toni on sunday. I wanted to do a slumber party girl's night, but working Saturday just doesn't leave me time available to do it. So Sunday we will order pizza, watch girlie movies, do each other's hair, make-up and nails, and just be silly together. I have missed them. I Love them so very much. That's all, Goodnight.

Waa, waa, waa, waa (That's how adults sound to Charlie Brown)...

2008-01-10T01:34:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I started blogging a few nights ago, when the hubby decided to come and hover over my shoulder. UGH! I hate that! I closed it down, and can't seem to get back into the spirit of what I was writing. So...that is one that will remain a draft forever. I am in general in a much better mood than I was when I wrote the last blog that actually got posted. Why? Well, truth be told, because I have had a lot of talk time with The Honey. That man is the cure for what EVER ails me. I could use him right now, telling me some of his silly jokes. But, all in all, I am good today. I had a rough night at work. (And a late one!) It was rough because I care too much about doing my job RIGHT! What I do may be menial labour, but, I figure that I should take pride in doing my job to the best of my ability, regardless of how menial it may be. The labels kept printing incorrectly tonight. The packages kept sealing incorrectly. And the guy I work with was on my last fucking nerve. The meat was coming too quickly, and the boxes we needed to pack it into were not coming quickly enough. Finally, at one o'clock my lead said we were done. Never mind the fact that all the packages needed new labels because of the printing problems. Ignore the wrinkles in the shrink wrap. I actually argued with him. Told him that I would not pack the meat like that, because QA would be sure to come down on me for it. He just laughed and told me to pack and send it. I did, after telling him that I would not stamp any boxes with my number that I knew were wrong. (I am 317A by the way.) He told me he would take the blame, and to stamp the boxes. I laughed, and sent them without my seal. We can fight about it some more tomorrow. I am worn out. I wish I was sleepy, but sleep is eluding me again these days. I had gotten better about sleeping. I was up to about 6 hours a night for awhile. But this past two weeks or so, I have dropped back down to an average of three. The Honey told me something to think about when I am trying to sleep. It works, it helps me to fall asleep. (Thanks Baby!) But, problem is, I do not stay asleep. And I haven't had a dream that I can recall for some time. (That one I told you about is the last one I remember....I wish I could dream that again!) I don't sleep well in my bed at all. I wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. I sleep better on Toni's couch. (It could be the reason I am on Toni's couch in the first place, that is what actually helps me sleep.) Maybe I need to start working out after I get home from work. Right now, what I do, is sit my ass down at this computer, and vegetate for hours. I can't go to sleep, just on the off chance that I actually sleep well. I have to stay up until at least seven in the morning, in order to get the kids up for school. They have missed far too much school from me sleeping through my alarm, and the school is starting to get upset. So, I stay up, and sleep after I get them out the door. I have been killing my time in yahoo chat. It is boring most of the time, but occasionally I find someone interesting to talk with. And that is about all I can think of to write about tonight. So, I will end with a joke I heard today that I thought would make The Honey smile. If I don't say it now, I will forget it. (And I don't want a single comment about me being racist, because anyone who knows me knows that I am not!) Okay here it goes.....

Man 1: I am pissed off at Santa this year!
Man 2: Why?
Man 1: Because I asked for a black Hummer with a lot of chrome.
Man 2: You didn't get it, huh?
Man 1: Yep! That fucker sent me a crack whore with braces!
And that, my friends, made me giggle. That's all, Goodnight!

A lazy Sunday afternoon...

2008-01-06T21:26:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I have been very sad this week. I had to do something to feel a little bit better before I go back to work tomorrow. I think they are beginning to suspect that I am crazy. I have been caught crying (apparently with no reason) a few times this past few days. My boss actually asked me if I wanted to speak with Pastor Manny. Somehow, I don't think this is something I can discuss with clergy. So I went to Toni's today. Her home is my haven. My safe place. My scream, laugh or cry, it is all okay kind of place to be. I cried. Then I gave myself a facial. I didn't feel any better. So I gave myself a manicure and a pedicure. I still don't feel better, but I have softer skin and pretty hands and feet. The space bar on my computer keeps sticking. I hit it and it does nothing. So that is making me weepy too. How silly is that? Eventually I will be okay again. Eventually I will be able to smile a real smile, and not just fake it when people are looking a little too closely. But for now, I will just give a cheesy grin and fake my way through. For now I will be content that I am loved despite it all. Later I will go in and soak for a long time in a hot bath, and close my eyes, and try to take myself to a happy place. Later, I will crawl into bed and put my arms around my little girl and hope sleep claims me. And hope that I dream. And hope that in my dream, I get to be where I want to be. That's all,Goodnight.

And simply because i was bored while killing time at the keyboard waiting for The Honey to come online tonight i took a picture of my nails, aren't they pretty? I need to go get acrylics though, because they are all different lengths because they break at work. ( I actually took a picture of my toes too, but I have ugly feet and i will not post that!)

Pain...

2008-01-03T01:19:00.001-06:00

Okay, I know I have posted this song before, but it is how I have been feeling lately. So...

Sorry...

2008-01-03T01:00:00.000-06:00

I wish I could take it back.

A kiss goodbye...

2008-01-02T23:25:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I got up at six thirty this morning. By seven I was out the door and headed to Toni's to get ready for my day. (I practically live at Toni's, I do everything there but sleep, and even that sometimes.) It was very cold on the walk over. I think the news said seven degrees. I didn't catch what it was when you included the wind chill. I got to Toni's and for the first time in a long time, did not make coffee. I had no time. I jumped into the shower and scrubbed my hair and body quickly. (Toni has a tiny hot water heater!) As soon as I was done I got dressed and attempted to blow dry my hair. That is always a mistake. It ends up a frizzy mess. Oh well, today was NOT about me. I threw on a touch of make-up to try and hide the dark circles under my eyes, and it was time to go. We had to be in Omaha at nine. Deb picked me up. Alicia and her fiance Ryan were in the back seat. We headed across the bridge, and finally made it to our destination. We were buzzed in and had to sign in with the woman at the desk. We were told to have a seat, someone would come for us shortly. We didn't have long to wait. During the short time that we were sitting there, Deb began to cry. I put my arms around her, and told her it would be okay. "This is a good thing", I think I said. Deb dried her tears, I told her not let HER see her cry. She came around the corner like a shy little girl. She was dressed in jeans and a "Harry Potter" Hoodie. No make-up, her hair pulled back with a pen sticking out of it. Our Emily. Still very much a little girl. Today a woman we had to let go of. She led us to a small room. There were only two other people there. Young boys. Young men. Flags lined the wall behind the podium. Other than that, the room was practically bare. We stood along the back wall. Emily joined the two boys facing the podium. In a matter of minutes a man entered the room, and went to the podium. He talked to Emily and the boys for a moment, and then he started. It took just about 3 minutes, and it was over.

I remember the first time I met Emily. I was already married to her father. (Something she has never really forgiven me for.) She was six. A tall, skinny little thing with legs that seemed impossibly long for her body. She waited, that day, until no one else was paying attention. As soon as she got her chance, she whispered to me. I will never forget what she said. "I hate you." I just looked at her and smiled. "That's okay", I said. "You do not have to like me in order for me to love you." She was taken aback for just a split second, and then looked at me with those defiant eyes and responded, "I will never love you." At that point everyone came back into the room, and she ran over to hug her father some more. She didn't speak to me again that day.

Today, I stood by and watched as Emily became a member of the Untied States Army. I had been invited. I got hugs and kisses. I got thanked for coming. And that little girl with those same defiant eyes looked at me today and told me that she loved me. After the swearing in, we went to meet her at the airport. We were hoping to be able to see her off at the gate. That was a No Go! We could only get passes to get beyond security if she was headed to Iraq we were told. I hope we never have to get passes. We waited with her until she finally had to go get checked in. As she walked away, I watched her go. She is tall and skinny and she has legs that seem impossibly long for her body. And as she walked the walk she had to take alone, that walk away from her mother, and her sister, and myself...that walk into adulthood, I didn't see the woman she has become. I saw a six year old child. And I forced myself not to cry. That's all, Goodnight.

Emily's Oath...

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Work and the kiss that won't happen...

2007-12-29T01:48:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I found out that I will be working Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights. Yep, that's right! I will be working NEW YEAR'S EVE! Have I told you lately that I hate my job? That means that for the first time in as long as I can remember (Okay, since I was 13.) I will not be getting kissed at midnight! Of course, I could try to get a quick kiss from the cutie at work with the smile that I adore, but I have promised to be a good girl, and "Stay Away from him!" (Really that is fine with me, if I can't kiss the man I want to be kissing, I would rather not kiss anyone at all. Maybe next year...) There are a few reasons though why I am not overly upset about all of this. One is, when I work Sunday night, they will have to pay me double time. This means I will be making some pretty decent cash. Also, I will save myself about a hundred bucks by not being able to go out on New Year's Eve. I could easily drop that much in a few hours out with Robin and the gang. Also, I heard the yellow hats talking today, well, whispering actually. (Yellow hats are supervisors.) They were discussing the fact that it looks as though we will also be working New Year's Day (night). So, the thing is, since I can't go out on New Year's Eve, I may get to work on New Year's. And working on New Year's will be great! They have to pay me triple time! I am thinking any time you are getting paid more than thirty dollars an hour, you just work until they force your ass out the door! So, here's to hoping that I work eight or more hours a day for the next seven days. I need the money. I want a Brazilian butt lift, and those things are not cheap! (LMAO...seriously though, have you ever noticed that white girls just never get a J-Lo booty? Hispanic girls get them, black girls get them, I have even seen oriental girls with them, but I have yet to see a WHITE girl with a booty like that, unless she bought it! And damn it, I want a booty!) Really though, I can use every penny I can get my hands on. I have plans, and plans take cash, so I will work, and work, and work until they send me home. In fact, I am trying to find a part time job, that I can work into my schedule. I will let you know how that pans out. For now, I am tired, and I have a long weekend ahead, so That's all, Goodnight!

That's all folks...

2007-12-27T02:17:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I was going to blog tonight, but I promised The Honey I would get some sleep, so, maybe tomorrow? LOL.. That's all, Goodnight.

My Christmas Eve Eve...

2007-12-24T02:56:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I spent all of today gathering all the Christmas presents I had scattered around at friends houses, and my own home, and took them all to Toni's so we could spend the evening wrapping. We had a nice time. But I must admit one of the gifts was testing my patience today. My dear friend Paula called me last week, saying she had a wonderful gift for me. Seems our church got new computers for the family history center, and were giving away the old computers. She grabbed one up for me, not realizing that at tax time this past year I had broken down and bought myself a new computer. When I told her, she was a bit disappointed. I told her though, that I would love to be able to give a computer to my son, but simply could not afford to do it this year. Needless to say, he will be opening a computer on Christmas morning. However, it turns out that the computer was not from the church's Family History center, but someone seeing that the church had made computers available to anyone who wanted one, decided to donate one as well. It is a great computer really. A Dell. Better than mine, in fact. Faster processor, more memory. The only advantage mine has is that I bought myself the 19 inch flat panel monitor, and his has the big huge one that takes a lot of desk space. Whoever donated this computer wiped the hard drive before hand. A good move. However, they seemed to have corrupted some of the hard drive in doing so, so reloading an operating system was a bitch. After several failed attempts we were finally successful! (Thanks, Don! I owe you a big, wet, sloppy kiss!) After finally getting the computer up and running, I went to Toni's to wrap gifts. I really need to hire someone to do that next year. I usually go all out. A dozen different papers, boxes, bags, bows, curling ribbons, gift tags, etc. But this year I used three papers, no bows, no ribbons. Lmao. I think I am getting lazy in my old age. Or maybe I have just come to the realization that no one has ever given two hoots about all that stuff but me, and therefor have never appreciated the effort I put into it. They just rip everything to shreds, and throw it away while bitching because I bought the wrong color hoodie, or the Bratz doll with the brown hair and green eyes instead of with the red hair and blue eyes. Ya know, Paula also gave me a gift for Christmas. I am not sure if I will ever actually use it, but it is nice to have, to know I can if I ever choose to. She gave me a web cam and microphone. LMAO. Of course I can never admit to that in chat. I would be hounded mercilessly. But really the reason I may never use it is very selfish. LOL. I do not want to have to brush my hair and wear more than my robe just to check my email and chat. I like sitting here in nothing but a huge T shirt. I like blogging with my hair in a ponytail, no makeup on, drinking a cup of french vanilla coffee, and chain smoking. I like eating with my fingers, and not worrying that someone is watching me lick pizza sauce from my fingertips before I can type the next line. I like not having to clean the room behind me to be on my computer. I like having my daughter sleeping in my lap, forgetting that she quit nursing over a year ago and start rooting for some boo boo juice while I gently push her mouth away from my breast. I like the fact that if I yawn i do not have people counting the fillings in my mouth. I like that I can scratch any part of me I wish, anytime I wish and not offend anyone. So maybe i will put her very thoughtful gift on a shelf and forget it is there. Or maybe I will hook it up once in awhile for certain people. Who knows. I do not even know myself. Anyway, that's all, Goodnight.

I had to wrap all of these gifts... ugh.. i am glad i am done.

I have been a VERY GOOD GIRL Santa, I promise...

2007-12-24T02:26:00.000-06:00

Okay, so here is my all time favorite Christmas song. And I do not care how many people remake it, no one can come close to Eartha Kitt! Enjoy!

And this one is just for you...(performed by one of my favorite bands...Yeah for me!)

Para el amor del hombre I,

2007-12-23T14:06:00.000-06:00

Mi amante dulce querido, le he faltado así que estos últimos dos días, he soñado sobre usted, pero ningún sueño puede comparar a la realidad que es usted. Te quiero tanto, y deseo que podría estar en sus brazos esta noche. El día finalmente capaz de estar con usted, yo acariciaré por siempre. Bebé te quiero mi dulce, maravilloso. Usted es mi amor, mi corazón, mi vida, mi alma. Soy el tuyo, ahora y por siempre.

The Bah Humbugs got me, it is my only excuse...

2007-12-23T13:23:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I had to work last night. I was originally told that it would be a short night, that was a lie. I had to put in a nine hour night. It was not a pleasant evening for me. Because we are going to have three days off, we had a lot to get finished. The guy that works on my line was not being helpful at all. At one point he actually stood with his arms crossed and refused to take the meat from the line. Of course it was coming so fast that i could not pull it all, and it started falling on the floor. I yelled at him to take the meat off the line. I did not say it nicely. In fact I think what I said was, "Take the God Damned meat off the mother fucking line asshole!" Every package of meat that hits the floor is another two minutes of work for me. The package must be opened, the meat repackaged, resealed, relabeled, and repacked. Needless to say I was not at all pleased by the fact that there were about fifty packages of meat on the floor. And all because we did not have the proper boxes to pack them in. I tried to explain that he could just pile the meat into the wrong boxes until we got the right ones, but he stubbornly refused to do it. The more I yelled at him the more obstinate he became. Finally my lead person happened by and saw what was happening. He told the man to help. He again refused. The lead brought over the supervisor who then spoke to the man. They shut down our line and we spent the next twenty minutes boxing all the meat that had accumulated on my side of the line thrown into the wrong boxes, and piled all around me. I was so angry about all of this that I was muttering some not so nice things under my breath at him for the rest of the night. Finally we got all caught up, got all the packages reworked, and finished up our work. By that time I had calmed myself a bit, and as we were leaving, I turned to him and said with much sincerity, "I hope you have a very Merry Christmas." He gave me an odd look, and said nothing. It wasn't until about an hour later that it hit me. I had just wished a Merry Christmas to a Muslim. LMAO! Oh well, I hope he understands the intention behind the words, and does not take too much offence. And now that my little story is out of the way, let me say to all of you, that I hope you have the very Merriest of Christmases (Or a Happy Hanukkah), and A very Happy (but safe) New Year! You will be in my thoughts, in my heart, and I will say a prayer for each of you, that the new year be kinder and gentler than the last. That's all, Bye.

Thank You Mary...

2007-12-20T02:02:00.000-06:00

My fellow blogger (and someone I hope I can call friend), Mary posted a comment to me in my last post. The comment was about editing photos. I had joked about wanting to edit off about twenty extra pounds, and was rewarded with the information that would help me to make such alterations if I had the time and patience to do it. Thing is, I don't really want to. I sat there reading about it, and came to the conclusion that I am okay with being me. Here is my response to Mary (Who, for the record, has never told me that I am anything but beautiful! I want to make that perfectly clear before someone who does not know any better suggests that She indicated that I needed to edit myself!)

Mary,
I joke about wanting to edit myself in such a manner, but it is useful knowledge to have, so thank you! Like I stated though, the only thing I have ever done to my pics is crop them. (or adjust the lighting when the picture was too dark to see.) Usually cropping out my body, which I am still not comfortable with. I have stopped doing even that. I have come to the conclusion that I like me, despite my many flaws, and I can be unhappy with certain aspects of me, but do so in a manner which is loving to myself. I do not hate myself anymore for the extra pounds I still have to lose. I do not hate myself for the stretch marks, and the breasts that only ever really look good when supported by industrial strength elastic and wire. (Or perhaps some duct tape) I got those things doing something I would never change if given the chance. Having my children. Yes, it makes me not want to ever show my body to anyone naked, but that too I will overcome. I am a work in progress. And I can be proud of that... so while the knowledge is a fun thing, and a tool I might experiment with in the future, know that no picture of me on this site or any other will ever be altered in such a way by me. Ya know, I have been wanting to talk about this for some time. I think I just wrote tonight's blog! Hugs, Dawn

That being said, here are a few new pictures of me that I took Sunday and Monday. They have not been edited in ANYWAY other than to adjust the lighting and crop out some BACKGROUND that was unnecessary. That's all, Goodnight.

My first ever video blog (may be the last)...

2007-12-18T02:53:00.000-06:00

blog part 1

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Blog part 2

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Sick Puppies Rock!!!

2007-12-17T05:04:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I had a fucking blast at the concert! I am posting a video I shot, please excuse the poor singing/shouting that I was doing. It was the end of the night, my throat is torn to shreds. And i am also sorry for the shakiness of the video, but sometimes a girl has to dance. Hugs, Dawn

All The Same

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Insert a huge smile here...

2007-12-16T11:41:00.000-06:00

Okay, so last night was a good night for me... I worked, so I made up for some of my lost hours earlier in the week, when I got to work, they had cancelled working Sunday (which is a great thing and means that I get to go to the Sick Puppies concert tonight! Yeah for me!), and then when I got home (after about two in the morning) My Honey came online to talk to me a bit. If only you could feel my smiles today like he does, you would be smiling too. (Ever notice how smiles are contagious?) So, I am off to do laundry so I do not have to go to the concert naked. That would not be a good thing for multiple reasons, not the least of which is that it is so cold here that if I went anywhere naked I would be able to use my nipples to cut glass. (Insert wink here) That's all, Bye.

For the record...

2007-12-13T23:42:00.000-06:00

It is no body's fault. I am just having one of those days. My emotions are all over the place. There is no reasoning, no rationale behind it, just pure unadulterated emotion. No excuses, no asking forgiveness, no explanation. Just me, raw, undeserving, uncaring, wildly swinging at anyone and anything that gets in the way. Sucker punching, back stabbing, angry momma cat fighting. If you need to forgive me, do it! If you don't want to, then fucking don't. I don't care. I care too much. That is my weakness. I let you get in my head. I let you get in my heart. i let myself be torn again and again until the very core of me screams, stop! But you can't. And I can't. And we go on and on until one or both of us breaks. Until all the shattered pieces of me collapse in a pile at your feet. And kiss you, and beg you to put me back together again. And will you? Will you, then? When I am on my knees, completely at your mercy? Will you see me for what I am? Scared, and alone, and loving, and battered, and bruised, and in need of a warm safe place to lay my head and just be me for awhile? And will I ever be enough? Will I ever be enough for just one person in this world? Just one special person who will see me and finally say to themselves... she is the one? Do I ever get that? And do you understand any of this? Cause i don't, I don't understand it. i just live it, feel it, breathe it, drown in it.

Take what you can get, and deal with it...

2007-12-13T23:27:00.000-06:00

Okay, so i am sitting here crying. And to be completely honest, i am not sure why. I am just tired, and sad, and lonely. And I am tired of being tired, and sad, and lonely. And why is it, that when I am at my most vulnerable, no one ever seems to have the time, or is willing to spare the time, to make it better? Is it too much to ask for, that once in awhile, I be a priority? That just one of the many people i love and give my time and affection to, return that to me when I need it the most? Why is that too much to expect? I just needed to hear i love you, and I need you, and you are special. You didn't even have to mean it. You don't even have to mean it! Just care enough to lie to me about it. That's all, Bye.

The good, the bad, and the ugly...

2007-12-13T21:16:00.000-06:00

Okay, so the bad news. I am STILL sick. Yes, I missed yet another night of work. If I do not get better soon I may be looking for a new job. But staying home, I was able to take a nap, and get some much needed rest. And I will head to bed early tonight. (Well, early for me is anything before two in the morning.) The good news. The Honey was well enough today to go back to work. He called me this morning during his commute, and we got to talk for an hour. That is more of his voice than I have heard in the last week. And let me tell you, it did my heart good. I can still hear the pain in his voice. He was having trouble with the seat belt rubbing right against the staples in his neck, and he took himself off the pain pills in order to be okay to drive. But all in all, he sounds so much better then he did last week. I hated hearing him both in pain, and doped up. He called me again for the ride home. I told him to take a pain pill when he got home. In typical male macho fashion, I was informed that he didn't need it. He would be fine. LOL. My guess is he took the pill. I will wait online for him for awhile tonight, but I do not really expect to see him. He needs his rest, too. I want him to heal quickly and completely. I want him not to feel anymore pain. I want him feeling stronger and healthier when he calls me on his way into work tomorrow. I want him....That's all, goodnight.

My new friend...

2007-12-13T07:56:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I spent the night at home last night. I am still sick, and was running a fever again. My boss told me if I was sick to stay home. So I did. I spent most of the night sitting right here online, chatting with my friends. Jeremy and Sue. And waiting for The Honey to come online. (Of course, he didn't. Not knowing that I was home, he did not come online until after midnight when he is used to me being online.) So during that bored time in the in between, I did something I haven't done in YEARS. I went into chat. I remember now why I used to chat through cheetachat. As soon as I entered the chat room, I was hit with so many instant messages, that I couldn't see the chat screen. Most of them were the same old shit, age/sex/location, and then a steady stream of sexual questions. But one was not. It was a guy from Texas by the name of Mark. He was very nice, and very funny, and he kept me laughing all night. We talked about our lives a bit. He told me he has a girl, Jessica, I think her name is. I told him about The Honey and the hubby. We had a good time, me and "this little hottie from Texas". Lmao. He is only 26, and I will say this...It does my ego good to be chatted up by a young attractive man. Of course it is all just good clean fun, and while he flirted a bit, he did not cross that line which so many of the men in chat seem to jump right over in the first three or four sentences they write. He even IMed some guy that was bothering me, and got him to stop. My knight in shining armour. LMAO. I wish that I had been able to spend that much time talking to My Honey, but I am glad that I got to know Mark a little bit. New friends are always good to have. (Oh, and he thinks I am beautiful. Lmao...That is always a good thing too.) That's all, Bye.

Bye Bye Boo Boo....

2007-12-11T02:58:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it was a long night at work tonight. It seemed to drag on forever! We boxed a lot of roasts tonight. I really wish you people would just boycott the roasts, damn it! My arms are so sore. Now, the roasts average about three and a half pounds each. That is nothing, right? Yeah, well, KISS MY ASS! You try lifting three and a half pounds over and over and over and over again... for NINE hours! We (myself and the slowest man on the planet), boxed over 3,200 roasts tonight. And that figure does not include all the other products we worked tonight. My arms ache, my shoulders ache, and the back of my neck aches. And now, seeing myself whine about this hurting, I feel bad, because The Honey sent me some pictures of his "boo boo" last night. (By the way Honey, boo boo is the term my children use to discuss my breasts! LMAO...When Kylie was little she would ask for "boo boo juice" when she wanted to nurse. Too funny! We even made up a boo boo song when she was weaning.. lmao.. maybe some day I will sing it for you.. LMAO...) Okay, sorry, got a little off topic there for a minute, forgive me, I am very tired and the strangest things are funny to me right now. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so I saw pictures of The Honey's injuries. As he posted them for me to see he told me not to "freak out". Well, I didn't "freak out" but I did cry. He is probably going to be upset when he reads this, but I just couldn't help it. Seeing him cut up like that made me so sad. One of the cuts runs from right under his jawline all the way down his sweet neck, (way too close to important inside stuff for my taste), across his collar bone, and ends just before his shoulder. The other one is an inverted "L" shape cut on his bicep. They are both HUGE! They both look extremely painful, and they both are on MY HONEY. Of course that made me cry. I am just glad we were not on the phone when I saw those pictures for the first time. It upsets him to hear me cry, and he would have hated the sobs that escaped me last night. I am just so damned grateful that he is okay, it could have been so much worse. I could have lost my very best friend in the entire world. I still can not believe he was conscious after sustaining an injury like that. And I really can't believe he managed to call me and talk to me for three minutes with his neck cut open like that. I mean really, what was he thinking about? Well, me obviously. And how sweet is that? I am so glad he is okay, I don't know what I would do without him. That's all, Goodnight.

Goodbye And Godspeed William Heitert Jr....

2007-12-09T22:22:00.000-06:00

Okay, so tonight one of my best friend's (Bill's) father passed away. I know Bill is hurting right now, so let me just say Bill that I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Your father was a good man, and I know he loved you very much. His loss will be felt by our family for years to come as he was both like a father to Jimmy and a Grandfather to all of my children. God Bless you in this time with peace knowing that he is safe in God's arms.

Okay, so the hubby will be going to Montana for a week. He will be leaving tomorrow night, and won't return until sometime Saturday night. He is going to help Bill get through the funeral. This week will be very hard on everyone. It will be emotionally draining for both Bill and the hubby. And it will be physically draining on me. Because of the hubby's absence this week, I will have to come home at one thirty, or two in the morning, try to sleep almost immediately, and then be back up by five thirty to get the children off to school. At eight thirty when Corrine leaves, I will then have to attempt to clean house a bit, and prepare dinner for the kids for when they get home. I will have to take Kylie with me to work each day, and send her home with Toni, so that Jamie can pick her up to babysit her after he gets home from school. Poor Jamie will then be responsible for himself and the girls until I get home in the wee morning hours. He is a good kid, and he is old enough to watch them, but still it will be hard on him, as he will have to act as both mom and dad in our absence. Of course Toni is on call for any help the kids may need, and my friend and neighbor Don lives just across the street and will be checking in on the kids regularly. But Jamie will have to make sure that homework gets done, and that dinner is eaten, and baths taken and bedtimes observed. That is an awful lot to ask from him. But I have faith that he will do well. I wish I could get the time off of work to just stay home with the children this week, but I just can not afford to do that. If we want to eat, I have to work, so, life goes on, and we will make it through...but if I do not blog much this week, do not be alarmed, it is just because I have fallen asleep at the keyboard, and will wake up sometime later with imprints of the home row keys in my forehead. That's all, Goodnight.

Hurt and angry (What a shitty week)...

2007-12-09T00:22:00.000-06:00

Okay, so The Honey got injured at work. Badly! He is going to be fine...and that is exactly what he told me while he was on his way to the trauma center in an ambulance with a paramedic holding his phone for him, so that he could call me to tell me that he wouldn't be calling me later that night as planned. Silly, Sweet, Crazy man! Two broken ribs and somewhere in the neighborhood of sixty staples later and he is almost as good as new. He says he will have a nasty, scary scar. I don't care. If after an injury like that all he ends up with is a scar, then I will be one happy woman. (Scars really do add character Honey, and are great at dull parties! You can always have fun making up strange and exotic ways that you got the scar.. for example..."I was deep sea fishing, and caught this huge shark. I fought for hours reeling him in. Just as I got him into the boat...", or "When I was mountain climbing in the Himalayas..." you get the idea... lol) He will be at home recovering for some time, so getting time to talk will be difficult, but we will find a way. If I am especially moody and bitchy for the next few weeks, you now know why. It just means that I am not getting enough Honey time. LOL This week has been a difficult one for me. The Honey got hurt, and I did not know how badly for two days (You have no idea what a terrified mind comes up with!), and I got into a few "discussions" with my friend, Toni. I love Toni. I really do, but lately she is just rubbing me the wrong way. Maybe it isn't her. Maybe it is me, but this week has been a very bad one where she is concerned. It started when we were discussing politics. Now, I will say that she is taking a bigger interest in this Presidential race than she ever has before. But, she is too easily led, and does not do her own research before choosing a candidate to get behind. So this week, I got to listen to her regurgitate the opinions of television commentators at me about the candidates. I will admit that I haven't yet really looked into all the candidates. I have a favorite, he probably will not be the party choice though, so when the parties choose who they will run, I will research the candidates at that point and decide who gets my vote. I am usually a bit more involved in the whole process. I have, in the past, volunteered my time to candidates. Answering phones, door knocking, helping at rallies, etc., but this year I just have too much going on. But when Toni made comments about things that I knew she really knew nothing about, it just set me off. I told her that she needed to be less swayed by the people in the little black box, and really do the leg work to choose her candidate or she might as well just not vote at all because an uninformed vote is worse than no vote at all. That was not very nice of me. I do not know why i said it. Really I am glad that she is finally taking an interest. That I will admit is my influence on her. During our local elections I told her that it was her civic duty to vote. LoL. She voted for only the third time in her sixty three years. She voted uninformed then too. The next thing we "discussed" was when she told me that she was upset because the "Government" stole her Christmas and gave it to "the Jews". When I heard that come out of her mouth, I had to ask her to say it again. I couldn't believe it. Yes, that was what I heard. So I asked her to explain. She said that she saw on the news that the White House did not put up a Nativity Scene this year. That in the place of the Nativity, they erected a Menorah. I reminded her that the White House still displays numerous Christmas trees each year, and that I did not have a problem with them also displaying a Menorah. She argued that the Christmas tree is NOT Christian, but rather Pagan in origins. I agreed with this, and reminded her that almost all of Christianity's symbols and traditions are Pagan in origin, but that they have become Christian in practice if not in origin. Her response was not to disagree (because she knows i am right!) but to restate that the Government has stolen her Christmas by doing away with the Nativity on the White House lawn. That was a "discussion" I just walked away from. (After telling her that if she didn't like that she will really hate it when they do away with all religious symbols, or have to display them all! Just out of curiosity what is the symbol of Kwanzaa? And what will the Satanists want displayed on the Anti-Christmas?) But the worst "discussion" by far this week was when she yet again brought up "addiction". Toni will proudly tell you that she is a recovering drug addict. She describes her sons as addicts and/or alcoholics. She excuses their bad behaviour (and that of my hubby) by blaming it on "addiction". I am probably going to piss a lot of people off with this, but I will tell you what I told her. There is no such thing as addiction. There are just selfish people making selfish choices. I know this to be truth because...

1.) These people make sober choices to use. (They all start off sober at some point! They were not born drunk, nor have they spent every waking and non-waking moment in a state of drunkenness!)
2.) The "addict" can think clearly enough to lie/steal/cheat his or her way into getting their "drug of choice". (I did not come up with the phrase "drug of choice" but that is in fact what it is a CHOICE!)
3.) Almost every "addict" I have ever known (and I have known a LOT of them) was able to "overcome their addiction" when faced with the consequences of losing something that is, to them, more important than the drug. For example, Toni's son knew that if he did not get and stay clean of the meth, he would go to jail for a minimum of two years. He valued his freedom more than the high. He got clean, and stayed clean for more than six months. A former friend who claimed to be "an addict" lost her children to state custody for a time. Amazingly this woman was able to quit using drugs on the very first day that her children were removed, and stayed clean the entire time that her case was still on paper with the courts. She passed every drug test with flying colors, and got her children back. (To my knowledge she is still clean.) The point is, that if the cost becomes more than they are willing to pay, they will "gain control" of a formerly "uncontrollable addiction". Everyone has a price that they are unwilling to pay, the trick is finding it. Once you find that price, the "addict" can overcome.

Needless to say, this theory of mine did not go over well with Toni. When she started to argue with me about it, I felt compelled to point out that she is in fact still a drug user and does NOT have all the sober years she lays claim to. She was floored and asked me to explain. I pointed out to her that she uses her prescription pain pills to deal with her emotional problems, and pointed out example after example to her. (I.E. On Tuesday night we had a flat tire. Within minutes of realizing that changing the tire to the donut did us no good, (the donut was flat too.) Toni had "the beginnings of a migraine headache and I need my pills, please get my pills, my eyes are blurry and my head is pounding"! As soon as the tire issue was resolved, the headache disappeared even though the pill had not been ingested long enough to have any effect on it.) She actually took this better than I expected. A lot better than I had expected. She thanked me for pointing it out to her. She said that she hadn't realized that she was doing that, that I was right, and that she needed to be more aware of things like that. She said she would talk to her doctor about it. She said that she wanted me to tell her when I saw her reacting to stress by taking unneeded medications. I felt badly afterwards. I had been meaning to tell her what i had been seeing her do, I just didn't know how to approach her, and I let it come out in a moment of anger instead of in a moment of love. i wish I could do it over. I would still do it, just kinder, gentler. I love Toni, I really do. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. Honey get some rest. I love that you want a few minutes with me, but getting up and down that much can't be good for you. I want you to get well soon. I miss you already!

If tomorrow never comes...

2007-12-06T01:00:00.000-06:00

Okay, so let me ask that before you read the rest of this post, you first watch the video.

I normally do not write about current events. I do not do news stories. I am a blogger, not a reporter. But this shooting that took place today is very close to home. I have not been at the Westroads Mall in quite some time, but I could have been. After all, it is the season for shopping. I am glad I wasn't. My daughter Emily was heading to Westroads this afternoon shortly before this took place. She didn't make it there. God Bless her friend for being slow to get ready. My good friend and neighbor Don's daughter and ex-wife were planning a shopping trip to Von Maur today, they too changed their minds at the last minute. My sister could have been there. One of my grown children could have been there. My nieces and/or nephews could have been there. My friends could have been there. They were not. I am grateful. The fact that it was so close to home has made me think. I have been thinking all night about it. It isn't about the shooting per se that I have been thinking about, but the fact that you never know if you have a tomorrow. It got me to thinking. If I were to die today, right now, right this minute, have I told all the people in my life, have I told them how I really feel? Have I showed them how much they are loved? The most honest answer I have to this is, no, I have not. So, I am going to do it right now. I will write it here tonight. Tomorrow, I will take the time to contact them, each one, and say what I need to say.

To Jimmy (the hubby)....I love you, I do. I know that things have been hard between us lately, and for that I am sorry. I never expected my life to turn out the way it has, and I guess that I have spent a lot of time blaming you for that. It is not your fault. There was a time when I was truly happy with you. I wish that we could get that back, but it doesn't appear that we ever will. I never wanted to hurt you. And despite what I may say in the heat of the moment, I do not hate you. I wish that I could say I am in love with you. I can not. But I can say that I love you, and that you are special to me. And that I want nothing but good things and happiness for you. I love you.

Jamie (my son)....I love you so much Bubba! You are my pride walking! You are a very special boy, with a heart of gold, and I hope you always stay that way. You make the world a better place just by your presence in it. One day, when you are older and have children of your own, you will know the kind of love that I feel for you. Until then, you just have to take my word for it when I say that I love you more than life itself, and I always will.

Corrine (My daughter)....My special girl. You are a gift from heaven. You are my sunshine when I am sad. You are such a sweet and kind girl, and so smart! Of all of your amazing qualities, I want you to always remember how smart you are. You are beautiful, that is without doubt, but that is not what makes you special baby. There are many beautiful people in this world, but no one else has a heart like yours, or a brain like yours. Use all the gifts that you were given, and you will go far my baby girl. You are my heart walking. I love you around the world plus ------ this much, and that is a whole bunch baby...so much more than you can comprehend.

Kylie (my daughter)....You are mommy's little princess. You are a gift from God. He picked you, out of all the souls in heaven, to be my daughter because he knew that I would never be complete without you. You and I are like puzzle pieces that do not fit with anyone else's pieces. But we fit together perfectly baby. You are my joy walking. You always know how to make mommy laugh. Your joy is a gift, the way you touch people and make their hearts happy. I love you so much my little poo poo nut. You mean the world to me.

Alicia (my daughter).... You are my chosen child. You are my spirit walking. You have such an amazing soul. The way you seem to connect with people is a gift. You are such a wonderful woman. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, and sharing yourself with me. You never had to do that, but I am so very grateful that you did. I love you.

Emily (my daughter).... You are my dreams walking. You have such a rare ability to dream huge. Chase those dreams baby, do not let anyone tell you you can't achieve them. You have the soul of a poet, and that too is a rare gift, use it. You have become a wonderful young lady. I am so proud of you. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life, for allowing me to be your friend. I love you.

My family and friends.... You are all (each and every one of you) very special to me. I love you all for so many varied reasons that I have not the space here to list them all. Just know that if I count you among this group, you are loved, and I wish you joy and happiness overflowing. I am grateful to have been able to be a part of your lives. I hope that I always will be. I love you.

And last but by no means least...(he just doesn't quite fit into any of the other categories of people...not quite family, not quite friend...)

Tommy (The Honey)....What I have to say to you is not for these pages. It is not for anyone but for you, so until I talk to you again, and can say the things to you I want to say, just know that you are loved without measure, and without end. I love you.

There is only so much you can say out loud, only so many words that exist. I do not think they have yet come up with words strong enough to express how much you all mean to me. How important you all are in my life. If you could feel my love, you would be overwhelmed by it, bowled over with the sheer size of it. You would always feel warm wrapped in it, always content, filled by it. Know this now. Know it always. I will never stop loving any of you. I love you now, and forever.

I guess that's all, Goodnight.

My loyal readers....

2007-12-04T01:09:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I normally do not whore myself out here like this, but there are some of you that I have really learned to like. So I want to invite you all to come and be my "friend" on my myspace page. I figure it is just a way for us to get to know each other a bit better, and be able to share things like pictures, that I do not often share here. If you are interested, just send a request to me on myspace, and make sure you leave a message letting me know who you are. ( I often deny friend requests from people I do not know. So many spammers and all.) I hope to get to know you all better soon. Hugs, Dawn

P.S. That's all, Goodnight.

A bucket of fuck is not a good feeling...

2007-12-04T00:41:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I stayed home from work again tonight. It is so unlike me to do things like that, yet I seem to be doing a lot of it lately. (I once held the same job for six and a half years, and I only missed three days of work the entire time, due to my son's illness, not my own.) Thing is, I just feel shitty a lot of the time these days. Not just one thing I can point my finger at and say, "This is why I feel bad.", just a general malaise. I am tired all the time. Not sleepy, that is different. Just, I don't know...drained maybe is the right word. This cold I have just won't go away. Every time I think I have it beaten, it comes back with a vengeance. The cough is back, worse than before. The fever is back too. I am still getting unexplained bruises. They are showing up in strange places. On my chest, the insides of my thighs. I swear, I look like someone is beating me while I sleep. I am getting paler by the day. I think I am the whitest person in America (unless Michael Jackson is back in the States these days.) Even my lips and gums are pale now. Maybe I am anemic. I am taking extra iron everyday, but that doesn't seem to be helping any. I have raging headaches almost daily. My hair is getting thinner, and so am I. I still have some weight that I want to lose, but now I am getting a bit concerned that this weight loss that I have been experiencing is more than a mixture of stress and being in love. Maybe there is a reason to be concerned. I am not going to tell you all exactly how much weight I have lost, but I will say it is more than twenty pounds. It is even more than forty pounds, quite a bit more actually, and now I am getting worried. The bags under my eyes are a delicate shade of purplish blue. And I have pain sometimes in my legs... well, I know this sounds weird, but it feels like someone is scraping the insides of my bones with something sharp and metal. Wow. When I put it all in writing it seems obvious even to me that something isn't right. I know it is silly, but when it is happening to you, you just kind of overlook each little thing. Blow it off as a passing bug. But when you group it all together I am thinking maybe I need to make an appointment with a doctor. Someone other than my trusted OB/GYN. I think I will call tomorrow morning and see when they can get me in at my GP's office. It may turn out to be that I am just starting to to fall apart because I am getting older, but I would rather know, right? I just know that I am tired of feeling like a bucket of fuck. I want to feel healthy again. I want some of my old energy back. I want to feel well rested and strong. I want to feel like me. That's all, Goodnight.

Alone...

2007-12-03T09:34:00.000-06:00

Okay, so how is it that you can have two men, both claiming to be in love with you, and still be the loneliest woman in the world? That's all, Goodbye.

Taken out of context, that could appear to be a very bad lesson...

2007-12-01T10:20:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I just reread last night's post...the life lessons, and I have to say this...Numbers 17 and 18 have absolutely NOTHING to do with one another... lmao...at least in the context that I used them in. LMAO That's all, Bye!

Life lessons...

2007-12-01T04:04:00.000-06:00

Okay, so here are the life lessons that i have learned in the last twenty four hours.

1.) If you yell at the people in your house while you are at work.. when you get home you will NOT have dinner waiting for you.

2.) When you are at your most lonely point, that phone will just not ring.

3.) Crying doesn't always make you feel better.

4.) There are only so many times you can hear about something you could give a shit less about, before you are able to tune it out completely. (But beware the long stare.. they will notice.)

5.) Working harder and faster just insures that the idiot working next to you will slow down and let you take up the slack.

6.) Tae-Bo will kick your ass if you smoke two packs a day.

7.) Sometimes it is hard to know if you are being complimented or insulted. (I was asked today how old I am... I answered...the response? Wow, You don't look that old... Compliment? Insult? Can't decide...)

8.) Even when very hungry, tasting that potato salad that is a week past it's expiration date is NOT a good idea.

9.) Mice like wheat flour.

10.) It takes only four and a half minutes to defrost a small package of boneless pork chops on the express defrost setting of my microwave.

11.) If you simply must go to the restroom after cooking your pork chop, do NOT leave your plate sitting on the coffee table. Cats like pork chops.

12.) Cooking a second pork chop takes approximately five minutes longer than the first one did.

13.) Watch the weather channel BEFORE making plans for the weekend.

14.) When the weather man tells you to make sure you are prepared...be prepared.

15.) Once it gets below 30 degrees. It all feels the same, so it doesn't matter how much colder it actually gets.

16.) Losing weight means less insulation.

17.) A real lady never spits unless brushing her teeth.

18.) I learned what Bukakke means, but I am not telling.

19.) If someone really wants to communicate with you, language is no barrier.

20.) If you put out kindness, you usually are met with indifference.

21.) Four o'clock in the morning is either too damned early, or too damned late for me to be blogging. (I am not sure if I am making sense anyway. Oh well.)

That's all, Goodnight.

My rambling thoughts...

2007-12-01T01:33:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I know I have been slacking lately, and haven't really been writing much worth reading. For that I apologise. However, the truth of the matter is that there just hasn't been a whole lot going on in my life lately. The days are starting to blur together again, and I feel that sadness starting to creep up on me from out of nowhere. I guess that really it is mostly due to the whole hubby, Honey drama that I have going on. It seems like every day, the hubby wants to pick a fight with me about it. And every day, The Honey and I get less and less time together. It is not his fault, we just work completely opposite schedules, and so finding the time to talk is getting more difficult. Poor thing, he tries so hard to get up in the middle of HIS night to chat with me for at least a few minutes. But I think he is starting to wear out. He doesn't sleep enough as it is, and the late night rendezvous are getting more difficult for him. (My job has been keeping me later and later these days.) I miss him, and I get lonely. He knows it, and I think that is hard for him too. He wants me to be happy, and so he tries... God love him, 'cause so do I. I hate making him feel bad. I just miss him is all. Maybe soon we will get to have a nice long chat together, and I will feel better. He always knows just what to say to make me laugh. (And when Disco Daddy comes out to play, I giggle until I almost wet myself.) The hubby on the other hand, is NOT trying to please me. He mopes around all day doing nothing, and then picks fights with me when I come home. He has started a new thing lately that is getting on my last nerve. He gropes me, incessantly. It is not a nice groping, and he does it in front of anyone who happens to be around. It wouldn't be so bad if he was gentle, but he isn't. He pinches my nipples hard, and slaps my ass 'til it hurts every time I walk into the room. I have asked him numerous times just to stop. Of course that leads to the inevitable fight that starts out something like....""I bet you wouldn't tell "Your Honey" to stop!" To which I respond..."He wouldn't hurt me like that! So you are probably right. In fact, you are always right. Now leave me alone!" Needless to say the fight only gets uglier by the minute. It usually end something like this..."Fine, why don't you just move to ... and be with "Your Honey"!" To which I respond... "I just may fucking do that!" At that point he stomps out of the room like a child who has been told they can not have any candy, and now is going to hold his breath until you cave in. I swear at times like that, I feel like my head is just going to explode. I admit, when he starts in on me, I push all the buttons. I have tried just ignoring him. Doesn't work. It is easier to fight it out, really piss him off, and then let him feel as though he is punishing me with the silent treatment. (Amen for the silent treatment.) The sad part is, that I still love him. I will always love him. I just am not "In Love" with him anymore, and once that dies there is just no bringing it back. I have tried. Trust me, I have tried. Sometimes I feel bad about what I feel for The Honey. I do, sometimes. But mostly I don't. See, the thing about it is, that I was not looking to fall in love with someone else. I was not looking for anything. And to be completely honest, if my marriage was not already broken beyond repair, there would not have been room in my heart to fall in love with someone else. Loving is not something that comes easily to me. It comes naturally, but not easily. I have truly loved only three men in my life. And to date, I have only ever made love to one of those three. Kind of sad, isn't it? There have been men...(numbers are NOT important!) but only three who have managed to really get into my heart. One of them started out a lover, became my friend, married me, and now can't stand me. One of them loved me, but was not available to do anything about it. I would not let him do anything about it. We stayed friends for a very long time, and I miss him, but I had to let him go when I got married to allow myself to give my whole heart to the hubby. The other one of course is The Honey...I do not know what will eventually happen or not happen as the case may be. But, right now, at this moment, he is my very best friend. I adore him. And he is my lover. Not physically, but emotionally, mentally. He makes love to me with his mind. With his heart. With out ever touching me, he caresses my soul. He "breathes in my essence" and lets me become a part of him, and shares himself with me. Like I said, I do not know what will or will not eventually happen, but I hope that no matter what, he will always be a part of my life. I need him, he completes my soul. That's all, Goodnight.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT...

2007-11-29T09:59:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I do not normally share the joke emails i get here in my blog (I get about forty a day), but this one was just too good not to share. I found myself giggling like a school girl, and wishing I had had the guts to try getting away with answers like that when I was at school. I hope you all enjoy this one as much as I did. That's all, Bye.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington
chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the
professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more
than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than
one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell
to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in
Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

My Emmy...

2007-11-27T02:31:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I got a call this afternoon from my beautiful step-daughter Emily. Emily and I have had our share of ups and downs over the last fifteen years, but I think we have finally reached a place where we can be friends, and where we can really love each other, as friends. Trying to mother her was never an option with Emily, besides, she already has a wonderful mother, so she didn't need another one. And don't take it wrong, I have always loved Emily, but now, I kind of like her too, and that is a good thing. Except, that now that we have finally reached this place, our Emmers is going to be leaving us. Emily is twenty now, and has been, well, sort of just out there in the world, but never really finding a place for herself. She has gone through a few jobs. She has moved from Iowa to Illinois, and back again. And has just been searching for a way to make her own life. She has decided on a way. See, today, she called me to double check on my middle name. I thought it an odd question. (It is Michelle for those of you who don't know, and those of you who always forget. {cough, cough}) Apparently she needs it for the recruiter. (I still can't understand what my middle name has to do with anything.) My sweet Emily, is taking her first oath tomorrow. She will be leaving for Basic on January eleventh. She is joining the Army. She will do Basic at Fort Jackson. I am proud of her. In fact, I do not think I have ever been MORE proud of her. Emily has a past history of starting things and never finishing them. But I think this will be different. I have faith in her. I have faith that she will do the right thing, and tough it out, and I am proud. I need to start saving so that I can take the trip to see her graduate. I will be one of the proudest Mommas there! The hubby and my good friend (And Emily's step-father) Bill, have decided that what I should do is join the reserves. LMAO. ME? Could you imagine? I do not do well with orders! And the term "Fuck Off" flows too easily from my lips when someone says something to me that I do not like. I see myself getting in far too much trouble in a military situation to even seriously consider it. Besides, khaki is not my color..and I would look downright silly in a beret. But I will be glad to sit in the stands, and cheer when she has her moment to shine. I will be so proud, I am so proud. That is all, Goodnight.

A pretty good day...

2007-11-25T16:13:00.000-06:00

Okay, so today has been good. A waking up chat with The Honey, a quiet movie and a couple of cups of coffee with Toni, the kids are all out playing, the hubby is over at his buddies watching the game, the house is all mine, quiet, peaceful, just the sound of my little finches chitter chattering to keep me company. Maybe I will watch a movie. Maybe I will take a nap. Maybe I will eat some more turkey and stuffing until my belly feels like it is going to explode. Maybe i will read some more of the book I started. (Ticia got me The Claiming Of Sleeping Beauty as a belated birthday gift. I love that woman! I have been wanting that book for a long time. It is wonderfully trashy, and naughty, and makes me smile. Thanks Ticia!) What ever i decide to do, I will do it with a smile on my face. Because today has been a pretty good day. That's all, Bye.

It's after midnight, finally...

2007-11-23T01:07:00.000-06:00

Okay, so Thanksgiving is officially over. Thank God! Now i do not have to cook again until Christmas! Maybe this year I will just call out for Christmas pizza, and skip all the hours of work that dinner normally entails. Think of all the free time I will have, no deviled eggs, no candied Yams (not from the can, they suck!), no Turkey with cornbread stuffing, no ham covered with honey and pineapple and cherries, no green bean casserole (I hate that stuff, but am forced to make it every year.. YUCK!), no corn casserole, no mashed potatoes, no gravy, no homemade pies, none of that stuff, just everyone getting to order a pizza of their own with whatever toppings they want... sounds like a hell of a plan to me! And I can just sit back, enjoy my day off, and maybe get to watch some TV. (I missed all the football games again this year because I was cooking.. but I do pay attention...The Boys beat the Jets (? I think it was the Jets), 10 and 1 now I think, yeah for you! Okay, that's all, I am tired, and I have to work tonight, so That's all, Goodnight!

I walked in the snow today...

2007-11-22T02:12:00.001-06:00

I walked in the snow today. Big, fat snow flakes fell in my hair, dusting me with a soft blanket of white. The snow did not last long, but it lasted long enough for me to think of walking in the snow, next to you. Holding your hand in mine. It lasted long enough to imagine the snow in your hair, caught in your eyelashes. The pink coming into your cheeks, the red to your lips. It lasted long enough for me to imagine kissing your lips, standing in the snow, warm in your arms. I walked in the snow today, and I thought of you.

A Thanksgiving message from me to all of you...

2007-11-22T02:10:00.000-06:00

Hi Friends,
I just wanted to send out a little note to let you all know that I will be thinking of you today. I think about you everyday. I am Thankful for you everyday. And today, when I list all the things I am grateful for, your name will spill from my lips. I will hope for a Happy Day for you, and I will hope for a better tomorrow for you...I will hope that all your dreams come true, and that you are always within the reach of someone who loves you when I can not be there. I will hope that someday we will get to be together again, or for the first time as the case may be. I will be hoping that you feel my love, and that you know, that I am truly Thankful for YOU! I love you all, Dawn

That's all, Goodnight.

Mirror, Mirror...

2007-11-20T00:35:00.000-06:00

Okay, so Ticia is not happy that I posted her pictures. See, she doesn't see what I see when I look at her. What I see is an amazing woman, strong, funny, smart, vibrant. My friend. I love her. I think she is beautiful. She doesn't see that. She sees whatever it is that she sees, and is not happy with it. While I do not understand how she can not see what I see, I also do the same. When I sobered up, I almost deleted all the pictures of myself that I had posted. Why? Well, because I do not think that I am attractive, and posting unattractive pictures of myself is a sure way to invite someone to tell me how unattractive I am. I know it makes no sense to some of you. Some of you who are confident. Some of you who know who you are and are okay with that. I on the other hand, do not have that self confidence. I have self doubt. When I face that mirror everyday, I see all my flaws staring back at me. I see a flat spot on my nose, that I can not quite explain. I see that my ears are crooked, so when I am wearing my glasses, they always sit a little lopsided. I see that I have a mild lazy eye (It only becomes obvious when I am tired or drunk, but I see it.) In the last forty eight hours I have been called, "Hot", "Sexy", "Stunning", "Beautiful" and "Gorgeous". I responded that the people using those words to describe me were either blind, or mentally challenged. Because, I just do NOT see that. Any of it. I see an overweight, nearing middle aged, over worked, over tired, under loved woman who needs to lose thirty more pounds, get a tan, have a boob job, get a tummy tuck, needs a new nose, and maybe some liposuction and a Brazilian butt lift. I see the wrinkles starting around my eyes. I see the effect gravity is having on my body. I see the stretch marks, I see the sag where there used to be muscle. It is funny, how we all see something different when looking at the same thing. The Honey says I am "beautiful", that he loves the "whole package" (I think that was the term he used.) The hubby says I am "gorgeous" but that my face is getting too thin and I need to start eating more. Joel says I am "Sexy as hell." Three men, three sets of eyes, looking at the same woman, seeing different things. It has to do with many factors. It has to do with their own personal tastes. The Honey loves my mind, and so is blind to any flaws in my physical being. The hubby loves me, and is afraid that if other men desire me, he will lose me, and so wants to see me be less than what I can be. Joel is a sweet twenty one year old kid, who has seen me at my worst, and appreciates what it took for me to get where I am. (He struggles with his weight as well, and we exchanged "Fat photos") He knows that I still struggle with self confidence, and is attracted to that part of me that reminds him of his own battle scars. He wants to make me feel wanted, because he knows what it is like to NOT feel wanted. My neighbor Don is the one who said I am "hot". Don is a special case. He has always been attracted to me, even at my heaviest. He loves my heart. And that is why he sees what he sees. I was told I was "stunning" by a complete stranger tonight at Wal-Mart. Lmao. It is funny, because I didn't even bother to do anything today other than put on some moisturizer. No make-up, hair in a bun, tired, cold, in a hurry. And a total stranger said that I was "stunning". It feels good, but I find that hard to believe. Maybe if I start writing those words down. If i start saying them to myself everyday, I will eventually start to believe it. Maybe. Not likely. But if I expect Ticia to start seeing the beautiful woman I see when she looks in the mirror, then maybe I had better start to practice what I preach. That is all, Goodnight.

Hanging out on a Sunday...

2007-11-19T01:18:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I spent today just hanging out at home....online, taking a nap, chatting with Jeremy, normal day off kinda stuff. Watched a few movies...We Are Marshall was great, but I am strange for a woman, I love football movies, and boxing movies. (It made me cry a couple of times, so I guess in that way i am very typically female.) Fido, the zombie flick I wanted to see, was just so so. I am glad I watched it, but it is not one I would run out and buy. ( I will be owning We Are Marshall.) I got back in contact with my Niece Sara this weekend. I will call her in the morning. I just found out she is living back in North Carolina, maybe it is time I pay that child a visit. I miss her. That's all, goodnight.

Speak no evil (aka..a day in the life of me...in pictures)...

2007-11-18T03:10:00.000-06:00

Okay, so my day started by waking up Toni with a cup of hot coffee, after which we headed to South Omaha (where you can buy cheap smokes)...

We bought smokes, and I bought the gifts that I was taking to my bingo party (I won a zen fountain thingy, some candles and some candy, but not the money!) I spent some time with my girls after we got home, over at Toni's house. Please excuse the mess, minor construction is taking place at her house these days.
Then I headed to the bingo party. I was picked up by Robin (former boss lady) and her sister Glory. I played bingo with Summer (her baby is in the pictures.), Robin's daughters (Fransica, and Tiffany), Glory and her daughter (whose name I am sorry to say I can not remember). ((I also watched some guys play golf for awhile, outside of Summer's House.))

When I got home, i jumped online for a bit. My sis-in-law Ticia Imed me and we made plans to go out for the night. She came and picked me up, and we partied at my favorite local hangout, withmy friends Joel, Suzie, and Joel's friend (yes, he is gay, Ryan) ((Joel is NOT gay, but Ryan is)). We danced, sang, drank, and generally had ourselves a merry ol' time. (Yes, Joel touched my boobie, but he only did it because I was teasing him about the fact that I was more man than anyone in the bar, having had my hands on Ticia and Suzie's boobs at the same time... LOL.) ((And Ticia took the cleavage pic of me... LMAO))

All said and done, it was a pretty good day. Except I miss The Honey who is home this weekend. I know the pictures of me are probably pretty shitty (I am NOT very photogenic) But right now everything is softly out of focus for me, and so I am posting them all (well not all, I took almost one hundred pictures today.) But look quick, I may delete them when I wake up sober and see just how awful I really look in them. That's all, goodnight.

I started out angry, but ended up smiling...

2007-11-17T00:14:00.000-06:00

Okay, so just for the record, I did NOT go to the bar tonight. See how early it is while I am writing this post? Actually, I do not know what to write about. I was going to write about idiot delivery drivers who mistakenly delivered my memory card for my new camera to someone else's house, but (silly me) it was in my mailbox the whole time. But really, how was I supposed to know? When they delivered my camera they just left it sitting on the porch. Lucky someone was home, otherwise I might have never gotten it. Maybe that is a clue though, that I should start checking my mail more than once a week. But really, all I ever get is bills, and catalogues (so that I can create more bills.) so once a week is usually sufficient. Things have been pretty okay for me lately. In my fucked up world, okay is really a lot better than usual, so I am happy about that. I have decided though, that I need to learn patience. I have none. At least not for stupid people, and that is where my problem lies. I am always surrounded by idiots. The one that has been bothering me the most lately is a guy at work. I do not know his name. It is on his hardhat, but I couldn't pronounce it to save my life. He is new. Well, new to my department anyway, and he is driving me insane! He works my line with me (Yes, my line. I refused to bid a job at my new plant, simply because I wasn't sure if I liked it enough to stay. So the other night, the boss man came up to me and told me that he had done the paperwork for me to "own" my job, without consulting me. He told me that I will be the one person who will always work my line, apparently I am good at this job, and he didn't want some other supervisor to be able to take me out of his department. I guess it is okay. It came with a thirty cent an hour raise. Not much, but every little bit helps.) So now they have put this idiot with me on my line. I swear, I almost quit last night. This guy is just clueless. I don't think he can read numbers very well, and reading numbers is a huge part of out job. Seriously, how hard is it to read the numbers and put the right packages in the right boxes, and apply the right labels? Not only does he constantly fuck it up, but he is always poking me on the shoulder asking me if he is using the right labels. UGH! Like I am not busy enough, doing the work of two people because he is incapable of reading the damned numbers! UGH! sorry, I am just venting. I really need to stop. Actually, I was in the middle of writing this blog last night when The Honey came online and we started chatting. After that I just didn't feel like bitching anymore. I was smiling too much. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. Thanks Honey, I needed that. I hope you are feeling better today than you were last night. I hope time with me is as therapeutic for your blues as time with you is for mine. That's all people, Bye.

You're so...

2007-11-16T03:30:00.000-06:00

Lmao....That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. Yes I knew you thought that blog was about you.. Lmao, sorry, I had to beat you to the punch, and I did...

Score = Me-1
You-0

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

2007-11-15T02:01:00.000-06:00

Okay, so what the hell is it with people saying shit they do not mean? I just do not get it. I guess the fact that I am so completely honest makes me an oddity in this world, and that is rather depressing when you stop to think about it. I do not understand why people lie so much. I will admit to twisting the truth a bit on occasion, but why do people lie when it is not necessary? Just take for example a common situation that almost everyone has found themselves to be in at one time or another....You are sitting there minding your own business when someone (friend, child, significant other) ask you..."Does this look alright?" You lift your head to look, and see that what they are wearing is absolutely horrendous. Now, what do you do? Apparently, most people would lie at this point. "Why yes dear, it looks fine, let's go." And off you go about your day, with someone who looks like a Salvation Army reject. Why would you do that? Obviously the person who asked you, values your opinion otherwise they would not have bothered to ask, right? So why not just be tactfully honest? You don't have to tell them that they look like an walking advertisement for the local school for the visually impaired, you just have to be honest. "I think your blue sweater would look better with those jeans than that green and purple polka-dotted shirt with the bright orange details." See, not a lie, non-confrontational, no hurt feelings, and you do not have to be seen in public with someone dressed like a freak! Works all around. Why is that so difficult for most people? And then there are the whopper lies that people tell. For example someone recently told me that they would love to have another child, with me...WTF? I guess this is an easy thing to say, considering the fact that I had a tubal ligation over four years ago. So saying it really means nothing. In order for me to get pregnant at this point, I would have to be one of the 0.4% of women whose tubal ligation fails, or I would have to surgically correct the problem. Now, there are a few ways to go about having a child after tubal ligation. One is tubal ligation reversal, that is one option. Of course the procedure runs anywhere from seven to fifteen thousand dollars (depending on the type of procedure used to tie your tubes in the first place), and is NOT covered by insurance. And while the surgery is available to reverse the tubal, there is no guarantee that a pregnancy will ever happen, just luck of the draw kid! Okay so that is option one, option two is In Vitro Fertilization. Now here again we are faced with the fact that most insurance companies do not cover costs related to this procedure, so here we are looking at spending an even prettier penny. The cost for one try at In Vitro Fertilization is as follows...the expected cost of IVF is $9,000. This covers office visits, injection training, estrogen and ultrasound monitoring, hospital retrieval costs, 6 months of embryo freezing, lab fertilization expenses, hospital transfer costs and physician services. ICSI, if necessary, warranted and desired, is an extra $750. None of these costs include medication. A major cost of each cycle is medication. The range of medication costs is between $1,500 and $4,000 per cycle, with an average cost about $2,700. Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) is an additional component of an IVF cycle usually used with male factor issues or when fertilization does not normally occur. The procedure, done in a laboratory, takes one sperm and injects it into one egg. (This is one of the cheaper places I found, and you probably get what you pay for.) So, we are talking a good hunk of change here and again, no guarantee. The success rates for women my age (They dropped quite dramatically in September when I hit thirty six instead of thirty five apparently) is thirty six percent, that means that to actually have a child, I would most likely have to try this procedure three times, right? Well, you do the math, and you can see, that I would still be paying off the Doc for the conception, by the time the little shit makes it to college. (Okay, maybe that is going a bit far, but still, that is a lot of money! Money I do not have.) So why in the name of God would he even say such a thing to me? Anyone who knows me, knows that I love children, that I want more children, and that to say such a thing to me just fucking hurts! It is down right cruel, and a completely unnecessary lie! Okay, I am done venting. I just needed to get that off my chest so that I can sleep tonight. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. When do those test results come back? I am concerned. Let me know as soon as you know something, please.

The animal I have become...

2007-11-11T22:20:00.000-06:00

Okay, so not really become...more like the animals I have. I have a lot of them. I have lost track of the number of pets I currently own. I used to know, I don't anymore. Why? Well, because some of them die, and then there are new ones added to this little zoo I call home. Let's see... I currently have two dogs. I had three up until just a few days ago when a neighbor called the pound on my sweet Sheba. I know what you are thinking...why don't I just go get her? Well, the fact of the matter is that a neighbor is going to adopt her, they were going to adopt her from us, but the pound caught her first. I know they are just doing their jobs, but really, she weighs about six pounds, and she is the most friendly dog you have ever seen. Also, she was just hanging out in my yard, not bothering a soul. But now the neighbors are going to be the legal registered owner, so when she makes an escape from their house (something she is notorious for) they will get the tickets, not me.. really much better in the long run. So, I am down to two dogs. One, my little Miniature Pincher named Khan,

whom I have had for almost ten years. Poor little guy, he is getting quite old now. I love him so much, he is such a little baby. He weighs about four pounds (on a good day), and just wants to be with his mommy (me). He is always near me. If I am online, he is at my feet. If I am in bed, he is under the blanket cuddled as close to me as he can possibly get. I will miss him when it is his time to die, hopefully that will not be for a long time yet. My second dog is named Fergie. Fergie is a Sharpei/Labrador mix.

I know she looks all sweet and innocent in these pictures, but she really can be quite mean if you piss her off. Most times she would rather lick you than bite, but do not get too close to me around her, or you may end up missing body parts. Fergie weighs about ninety pounds, and thinks she is a lap dog. She talks to me when she wants to go outside. It sounds something like...wrooooo wroooooo wrhoooooooooo...growl...grunt...huff...wrooooo wrooooo. I talk back to her in her language. She thinks I am insane, but she loves me.

I have two cats, who I could not capture long enough to get photos of today. They are hunters by nature. Cat (Yes, that is his name. He was named after a character in a British Sci-Fi Comedy I like called Red Dwarf.) only comes home when he wants some affection, and he doesn't stay long. He did, until Kylie started walking, then he decided that he was safer out fighting other big tom cats, than he was in our house trying to hide from a teething one year old who was newly mobile. My other cat named Git is home a lot more often. We got him when Kylie was about two. He has learned that when picked up by Kylie, the best response is to just go limp and wait for her to get bored with him. He is in the house every night at bedtime, when he waits for Kylie to fall sound asleep before curling up next to her.

I have one guinea pig named Chet. I did have two, but the one named Dog Food died not too long ago. She was a sweet girl, but old. I adopted her from the pound for three dollars, and I had her for about six months. She died happy and well loved. Chet was gifted to me (dumped on me), by a family who no longer wanted to care for him. He is not very friendly, hence no picture. He does not like to be held, but I will try again some other day.

I have one ferret named Schmee.

Schmee is a dolly. She loves to be with her people. Especially with Kylie. She actually kisses Kylie when Kylie makes kissy noises at her. It is so incredibly sweet. I wish I had gotten a picture of that. Maybe next time. I knew I had to have Schmee the first time i held her in the pet store. Just a baby, and all she wanted to do was cuddle up in my arms and sleep. I called home and asked if it was alright. Of course he said yes. He always gives in to my whims. So she was mine. I am so glad. She is the most loving little beast ever.

I have a few birds left. I was up to fourteen of them. Twelve zebra finches, and two parakeets. But in a matter of two days I lost all but five of my finches and one parakeet. I still have not figured out what caused that, but I am glad that whatever it was did not claim them all. Though it did kill Stumpy, my favorite finch. He had gotten a purple hair from Kylie's Halloween wig wrapped around his leg, and by the time I found it the next morning and removed it the damage was done. His little foot fell off a week later, and he was back to being his sweet little self soon after. I miss Stumpy. He used to come to me when all the others would fly away from me in fear.

I have one saltwater clown fish. My children named him Marlin. I guess that is the daddy clown fish's name in Finding Nemo. See, when I bought him, I actually bought two of them. But the very first night, one of them went missing never to be seen again. No carcass, no nothing, so they said that the missing one was Nemo, and the one remaining was Marlin. I am okay with that. Marlin survived the blackout when none of the other fish, starfish, anemones, crabs, or shrimp in my tank did. It was two summers ago, and the power went out for two days. We went to my brother-in-law's place in Omaha to survive the heat, but a salt water tank is not easily transported, so they were left to perish. I felt horrible, but what could I do. I came home to a dead tank, except for Marlin, who is still going strong. Since photographing fish in a tank is not an easy chore, I found a photo online of what Marlin looks like. Isn't he cute?

I also have a pair of Sugar Gliders. They are nocturnal creatures, and so do not like flash photography, so I also stole a picture of what they look like from the web.

Don't they look sweet? Do not be fooled people. Some sugar gliders make great pets, wanting nothing more than the company of their people. But NOT ALL OF THEM! Mine for example, are two females. Sisters. I named them Sydney and Boomer. (They come from Australia after all.) They are vicious little bitches, who will definitely bite the hand that feeds them, over and over again. And when they are angry they make a sound that will chill you to the bone. Amazingly loud too, especially for something so very small. (They easily fit in the palm of your hand.) The only way to describe the noise is that it reminds me somewhat of the sound of an electric pencil sharpener. Only louder, and scarier. Evil little things really. They love to eat fruit and sweet nectar, hence the term sugar glider. They do not fly, but they can glide great distances, similar to flying squirrels. And they are marsupials. But, they will also eat meat. Chicken is a particular favorite. But you have not seen anything until you see a pair of sugar gliders attack and eat a hapless mouse that was stupid enough to hope they would share their daily plate of fresh fruit. One of them glided down on it from her perch and the other attacked from the corner where she had been watching silently. It was horrible to witness, and I hope I never have to see anything like it again. They start with the brains, much like zombies in all bad zombie flicks. It was just unpleasant.

The last creature in my little zoo, is also the newest addition. His name is Baxter. Baxter is a sweet bunny rabbit that I found living in my yard apparently after someone else got tired of caring for him. He was half starved and half bald from being attacked by the neighborhood pets. Baxter now has a warm home with children who adore him, and he is getting fat and has all his hair back. (He still has a few scars from his time in the wild.) I think Baxter looks happy, what do you think?

Well, those are all the pets I have, until some other idiot decides to just dump his pet when he gets bored with it. When one shows up on my doorstep, they become a member of my family, and they are well loved. But really, maybe I should start construction on that Ark, are they calling for rain?

That's all, Goodnight.

If you think this is bad, you should see my MP3 playlists...

2007-11-10T21:37:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I really don't have much to talk about tonight, so I am going to share a few videos with you that I have watched today...

This one makes me cry. I feel her pain...

This one...well I just like it...

This one makes me a little sad...

This one makes me dance...

This one makes me smile..

This one makes me sing...

This one makes me relaxed...

This one makes me want to Thank You...

This one is how I feel...

That's all, Goodnight.

Treats For Troops...

2007-11-10T20:28:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it is that time of year again folks! The dreaded Holiday Season! But as we are all bitching and moaning about the turkey taking too long, or the pie crust getting too browned, we need to all remember those wonderful men and women who are not at home with their families. Those men and women who are sacrificing their holiday's so that they can protect our nation from all enemies. Please, if you have the time (and I know you do if you had the time to read my blog) and if you have the money to spare, (I know all of you do not, but dig deep people!) please visit Treats For Troops and send a care package to some well deserving member of our Armed Forces. Let them know we care! Let them know they are NOT FORGOTTEN! That's all, Bye.

This is what a holiday looks like in Iraq...

after they wait in this line....

and if they are lucky, they may get to roast marshmallows afterwards...

I was sent this in an email many, MANY years ago. I loved it then, I love it now, and since it is my blog, I can do anything that I want so here is a poem.. deal with it....

A U.S. Marine Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this house did live

As I looked all around, a strange sight I did see
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree
No stockings by the fire, just boots full of sand
On the wall hung a picture of a far away land

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds
A sobering thought soon came to my mind
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen
This was the home of a U.S. Marine

I heard stories about them so I had to see more
I walked down the hallway and pushed open the door
And there he lay sleeping- Silent. Alone.
Curled up on the floor of his one bedroom home

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene
Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean shaven, his face weathered tan
I soon understood this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw tonight
Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight

Soon around the nation the children would play
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas day
They enjoyed freedom each day and all year
Because of Marines like the one lying here

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry

He must have awoken for I heard a rough voice
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice.
I fight for freedom, I don't ask more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours. So silent and still
noticed he shivered from the cold nights chill

So, I took off my jacket, the one made of red
To cover this Marine from his toes to his head
Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold
With the eagle, globe, and anchor emblazoned so bold

Although it barely fit me. I began to swell with pride
For one shining moment I was Marine Corps deep inside
I didn't want to leave him, so quite in the night
This guardian of honor so willing to fight

But half asleep he rolled over and in a voice clean and pure
Said, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure!"
One look at my watch and I knew he was right
Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi, and good night!

~Author Unknown

Kylie's Birthday, The Marine Corps Birthday, and Veteran's Day...

2007-11-09T03:15:00.000-06:00

Okay, so November eleventh, Veteran's Day, is my daughter Kylie's Birthday. (We already celebrated on the same night we celebrated my son Jamie's Birthday, since my nights home are few and far between. His was October twenty-third.) Kylie was a planned C-section birth. Well, kind of planned. She was actually supposed to be born on November tenth, so that she would be born on... yes, I really did choose this... The Marine Corps Birthday! LOL... I know, I am strange, but that is how it was planned. (You all know my weakness for Marines, so why this should come as a huge shock to you, I couldn't guess.) She was supposed to be born on the Marine Corps Birthday, but it didn't quite work that way. My doctor kept getting called away for emergencies. My delivery being "planned" did not qualify me as such. On and off all that day he would come sprinting into my room, and ask if I was ready. On and off all day that day, he would get a call, or a page, and have to go sprinting off to somewhere else. He did finally make it back at about eleven forty that night, and asked me if I still wanted to try and have her born on The Marine Corps Birthday! I said that Veteran's Day would work just as well, as my Doc had been running to and fro and performing emergency procedures since at least five A.M that day. I wanted him well rested before he took a sharp object to my soft parts. It is kind of nice having her share her Birthday with Veteran's day. She sees parades, and thinks they are for her. Happy Early Birthday My Monster-faced Brat Child, Poo-Poo-Nut! (I am her mother, I can call her anything I wish! Scary part is, she actually answers to that all the time!) Here is a picture of my almost four year old demon child... she ate something really messy at Grandma Toni's.. isn't she a dolly?

Since November tenth is The Marine Corps Birthday, let me just say Happy Birthday to all Marines. (Past, Present, and future!) And Especially to Chesty Puller (The most decorated Marine in history!) who is looking down on all Marines tonight as they rest. (Or don't rest, as the case may be.) Happy Birthday to you all!

Enjoy the Marine Corps 2007 Birthday Message...

Since November eleventh is Veteran's Day, let me just say Thank You, to all who have ever, are now, or will ever serve this great Country of ours in any branch of our Armed Services. Thank You, and God Bless You, and Happy Veteran's Day!

Please, even if you have already seen this video a thousand times, take the time right now to watch it again, and remember all the men and women who are serving us right now, by giving so much of themselves to keep us safe in an unsafe world...

I am sending out a hug right now to My Favorite Vet (I wonder if anyone can guess who?)....Hugs, Dawn

That's all, Goodnight!

Why being a thirty-somethingish woman really sucks (and what to do about it)...

2007-11-08T01:57:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I was talking to Ticia last night, and as is usual with the two of us, the conversation turned to our sex lives, or the lack thereof. "Why would we talk about such things?", you may be asking. Well, let me tell you why. The reason we talk about sex, is because we have both hit that magic time in our lives when sex is about all we can think about! I swear, I am horny all the time. I am sick, sicker than I have been in years, still horny. Stress (Oh my, do I have stress), still horny. A Dirty house, does nothing to diminish the constant desire for sex. Crying children? Okay, that kills the urge, but only very briefly. As soon as they stop crying? Horny again. The wind blows a little harder than usual, and my shirt brushes against my nipples? I am ready to go. At work, the production floor is like one huge vibrator, you walk on to the floor, and you can feel the humming of the powerful machines through your entire body. It gives me the shivers just thinking about what that does to me. The sound of a certain sexy voice, hearing the words Angel, or Baby, or Sweet Addiction? I know it makes no sense, but I swear I am melting at those words. I know some of you probably do not see the problem with this. I will explain. The problem is, that just as I have reached this point in my life, the point where I want sex ten times a day, every day, (night, afternoon, early morning, whatever, whenever, wherever) The men in the age group that I am most attracted to are losing interest in sex. Okay, not all of them, but the one that I have access to. (The hubby) So, I have decided that I have two options to fulfill my needs. I can...

A.) Start a cult in which women are allowed multiple husbands. Now hear me out. I am thinking that six ought to be the limit. And that the women in my new cult should pick their men based on their needs. For example, I would choose one man that I love with all my heart, someone who I want to spend forever with, talking and laughing, and loving. He would get the distinction of being number one husband. He would be allowed to help choose husbands numbers two through six. For husband number two, I am thinking I need someone who is handy around the house. So maybe I could marry a General Contractor. Someone who could fix any little thing that goes wrong, he would have to be knowledgeable in all aspects of home repair... electrical, plumbing, and carpentry skills would be a must. Husband number three would be chosen for his skills in automotive repair. This must include both engine and body work. For husband number three, I am thinking I need an anal retentive type. Someone who loves to clean. (We all know that I am a very "cluttery" type of person, and chances are that will never change.) I need someone who will be happy just following around behind me and cleaning up my messes. And the messes of my kids, and hubbys numbered one, two, four, five and six. Husband number four will have to be skilled in the culinary arts. I love to eat, and I want someone who will cook for me. Someone skilled in both plain fare (like liver and onions, and southern fried chicken), to some pretty lavish multi-course meals. ( I will want to entertain guests occasionally. After all, I will be the leader of this cult and will have to throw a few good parties once in awhile in order to solicit funding for my compound's security.) Hubby number five must be great at doing laundry. Maybe he will own his own dry cleaning business. I will have a LOT of laundry that needs doing with that many men around, and we all know that I can not stand folding clothes. Now, hubby number six , well he must be great with the kids. He must be patient, and kind, and nurturing. He must be able to get the little heathens to listen, and do their homework, and not do things like my sweet Kylie did last night! (She was screaming in my bedroom, and when I went to see what was wrong, I found her hanging upside down from my closet pole, too afraid to let herself drop down head first! After I got her down, she apparently decided that it would be fun to flush one of Bubba's (Jamie's) Hot Wheels down the toilet. Of course we did not figure this out until this morning when I woke up and the bathroom was flooded, and we had to take apart the toilet to get it out, prompting a rush to Menard's for a new wax ring and flange! I LOVE my kids!!!! I LOVE my kids!!! I LOVE my kids!!! Sorry, I just have to remind myself occasionally.) Now, see, I have chosen six men who will fulfill all of my non-sexual needs, but here is the trick...if you get six men together at any given time, day or night, one of them is bound to be wanting sex! See, so anytime I was wanting to get me a "lil' sometin' sometin'" I would only have to let my needs be known, and I am bound to get a willing participant! No more having to handle the situation on my own! I think this is a brilliant plan, one that I should put into action as soon as possible. (And don't look at me like that! Men have been doing shit like this forEVER! It is not like I am asking for some underage boy, I want real men! Is that so wrong?)

If that for some reason doesn't pan out, I am left with option...

B.) Option B is quite simple really. See, men go through their sexual peak from about the age of eighteen to Twenty-five. So I propose that I be allowed to find myself a young man in this age group, and keep him chained in my basement for the sole purpose of sexual gratification. See? Simple. (The hubby heard Ticia and I talking and laughing about all of this last night, and asked what we were giggling about so hard. I explained option B to him, and he has said that if I dig us a basement, I can put option B into action. I am currently checking on the prices for renting a backhoe!)

Now that I have figured out what my options are, I just have to figure out the logistics of making each one of them a viable plan. I am currently working on the details, and will let you know how each turns out. Until then, I guess i will just have to resort to doing things the old fashioned way, and hope that girl from the fuckerware party hurries with my order. And Ticia, I promised to show you a picture of what will be my new best friend, so just to prove I am not afraid (and because I know it will make you laugh your ass off)... here ya go....

That's all, Goodnight

A cold winter's night...

2007-11-06T17:48:00.000-06:00

Okay, so i know it is not exactly winter yet, but it sure as hell feels like it. I am not sure what today's high temperature was, but it wasn't enough. Even though I called in sick to work again tonight, I still had to go do some running this afternoon, and I froze my ass off the whole time. I swear I feel like a bucket of fuck, and I went out today looking like a bucket of fuck's twin sister. I wore my PJ's. Why? Because I could, and because they are warm and cuddly, and I wanted to be comfortable. I put on not a stitch of make-up, and to be completely honest, the people who had to deal with me today should count their blessings that I had bathed right before leaving the house, otherwise, I may not have even bothered to brush my hair today. I went and did the things i had to do, and then I came home. I have started dinner. I am making my homemade potato soup. It is one of my favorites on cold days like today. I could care less if anyone else in the house wants it tonight or not, that is what i am making so if they don't like it, they can starve. Speaking of starving...The Honey is fine (for now anyway), but he has to get a minor procedure done on Thursday. His doctor has ordered him not to eat for, get this, forty eight hours! Okay, so he can have clear fluids, but what man can survive on that for forty eight hours? Stupid Nazi Doctor!!! The Honey was already craving a burger at noon today, and I had to make him promise to be a good boy and do what the doctor says. He has promised, and I think he will do it, but why in God's name does he have to starve for that long? That is just silly. I wish I was there to make him a big ol' steak and potato dinner when he gets done, with some strawberry cheesecake for dessert. (Maybe even a pineapple or two as well.) I hope that everything turns out to be nothing. I know it will, it has to, just 'cause I need my best friend!!! Speaking of best friends, my best female friend, Toni, is starting to drive me insane. Don't get me wrong, I love her. But she is literally getting on my last nerve as of late. She has always been very "spiritual", but lately every conversation seems to turn into a religious debate with her. Every comment I make about my life seems to come back to how much "better off" I would be if I would give up men (drinking, my children, my job, my life, etc., etc.) and devote myself completely to the worship of God. Now, let me say that I am a believer. But i do not think that whatever God may be, he expects me to stop living my life. I do not think he expects me at the age of thirty six (OMG, I just said that obnoxious number out loud!), to deny myself the pleasure of love and companionship that the men in my life offer me, and be content to have only Him in my life. We as human beings were just not designed that way. I need more to keep me warm at night than the love of my Heavenly Father. I wish she would just get off of me about it all. And then to make matters worse, she argues with me about MY PERSONAL RELIGIOUS BELIEFS! She tells me that what i believe is WRONG! and if I do not get it right then I can NEVER BE RIGHT WITH GOD! I just want to scream at her asking if she has ever read the part of the bible that says "Judge not...." I do not downgrade her beliefs, I would never do that to ANYONE, so how is it that this woman who claims that I am like a daughter/sister to her can do that to me and think it is okay? And if I have to hear her admonish me again for eating when I am hungry, saying things like "I would just hate to see you gain all that weight back..." I swear i will scream! I am not gaining any weight back, and while I am no longer dropping the pounds, the pants sizes are still dropping regularly. My body has curves it hasn't known in years, and I am feeling (mostly) comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a long time. i do not need someone breathing down my neck because I choose to pig out and eat a couple of Chalupas and steak soft tacos once in awhile. (Oh and someone can let her know, I am sitting here eating a box of dark chocolate covered cherries as i am writing this. They are one of my favorite parts of the holiday season damn it, and I will eat the whole fucking box if I want to, so there!) ((They have to be the liquid center ones, not the ones with that white goo in them.)) Well, I have ranted long enough for now, I need to go check on my potato soup (with lots of real butter, onions, garlic, ham, potatoes, black pepper, celery, and fresh Italian parsley.) So that's all, Goodbye.

Rambling...

2007-11-05T23:54:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I called the supposed original source of the info about the hubby cheating on me, and he denies it. He said that "to his knowledge" it never happened. This is from someone who would never lie to me, especially to cover for the hubby. So, I now believe the hubby about this one. I do not know why my "chosen child" said what she did. I am going to go with the theory that she took something out of context, and not what others believe which is that she is angry with her father (Okay, he is not really her father, but he is the father she has known most of her life. Her real father she refers to as "the donor".) and is trying to cause more problems for him. I don't think she would ever be so cruel. Does that mean that I for a minute believe that the hubby has been completely faithful to me? NO! But I do believe that this one was just a misunderstanding. And I have apologized for waking him up shortly after bar close Saturday night/Sunday morning to call him names that would make a bus full of drunken Marines blush. I was misinformed, and I am willing to admit that I was wrong. THIS TIME. Now, that said, on to today. I didn't go to work tonight. I called in sick. I have been sick for weeks now. I am not getting any better. In fact, I am getting worse. Tonight I had a headache that would drop a fucking mule. My nose is sore from too much wiping and blowing. And my throat hurts from coughing so much. My chest aches with every breath, and breathing is becoming a chore. I think I will take The Honey's "advice" (suggestion, recommendation, order...lol) and take a breathing treatment or three. I am a bit concerned that this cold is settling itself so deep in my chest. I have this sinking feeling that the doctor will say the dreaded P word if I go see him. I can not afford to be that sick. One day of work here or there is fine to miss, but if it really is that nasty P word, that will mean a week or more off of work, and I just can't afford that. It feels a bit like trying to breathe through wet cotton that has been stuffed into my lungs. (You would think that feeling like that would help me to put down the cigarettes for awhile, huh? Ha! Not a fucking chance. How pathetic am I?) I took some Sudafed and some Nyquil...the coughing has abated, but I am not sure that is such a good thing, now the shit is just sitting there clogging me up... ugh, I can't win! To top it all off, I have been going insane all day worried about The Honey. He has been pretty sick himself lately, and had an appointment today with a specialist. I haven't heard from him since about six thirty this morning, and so I have no idea what is going on. I am going to be stressed until I hear from him. So, even though I took the Nyquil (which normally knocks me unconscious for at least six hours.) I am still unable to sleep. And sleep is what I need to get better. Ugh. When it rains it pours. I guess I can always sleep some other night. I am however going to go to my bed, curl up under the covers and read awhile while I try to get this fever to break. Sitting here in my cold ass kitchen is not helping I am sure. I am thinking I need to ask the hubby to move my computer to my bedroom. I am not sure where I will put it exactly as the spot it used to be housed in is now where my sugar gliders live. I think I have too many animals. My neighbor says if ever it starts to flood around here, he is coming to my house, because obviously I am the reincarnation of Noah. Wow, I am rambling again. My son Jamie has come back home to live again. That makes me both happy and sad. Happy because I have missed the sound of his voice. I have missed his humour. His love. I have missed seeing him interact with his baby sister. I have missed everything about him. (Yes, even the temper tantrums.) But sad, because he was finally away from this place, away from these evil children that live around here, away from a school that just doesn't give a shit. I think we have decided to send him cross district to a different school. I am giving him a few days break before we get him started in his new school. I will get him enrolled on Wednesday. He just needs a little time to readjust to being back with all of us. Okay, I have rambled long enough. I guess that's all, Goodnight.

Another drunken post...

2007-11-04T01:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I got drunk again tonight. Big fucking deal. I went to the bar alone, I left alone. My friend Tara showed up with her boyfriend , and my sweet step-daughter Alicia, showed up with hers. I almost went to Tara and her boyfriend's room tonihgt. they got a room becuse they were drunk, and they liveout of town. They invited me to their room to drink a few beers, but I came home instead to confront the hubby. I came to confront him about making me feel guilty about The Honey, when all along he has been having affairs. That is right. I found out tonight from of all people, my Chosen Child, Alicia. I honestly do not know how the subject came up. All I know is that it did, and she told me that her father had an affair not too long ago. An affair with an old flame apparently. What a sucker I am for being faithful all these years. What a fool have I been. Oh well, no more guilt anyway. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. To The Honey. I miss you, and I hope that everything goes well on monday, call me and let me know that you are okay. I will be waiting. Hugs and kisses, Dawn

Culture shock...

2007-11-02T03:21:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I was talking to The Honey a few days ago about my job. I was telling him about the fact that I am the only woman on my shift in my department for whom English is a "First" Language. Hell, I think I am the only woman on my shift in the entire plant with that distinction. So communication is often difficult at best. Tonight we had a "safety meeting". It was supposed to be about the use of PPE (Personal Protective Equipment). What it ended up being was all of us sitting around in the office (the classroom was in use), staring at the walls. Why? Well for one reason, the boss man doesn't think we need to review the material considering the fact that the only safety equipment we use in our department is hard hats. ( I still can't figure out why though. I stand in one spot packing packaged meat into boxes so that it can be shipped to your local Super-Center for that store with the smiley face as it's mascot. You know the one, he runs around rolling back the prices?) So rather than actually watch the film we were supposed to view, we all signed the form saying we understood the rules for PPE use, and then sat around to kill the time that the film would have taken up. Now, that brings us to reason number two as to why we did not actually have the meeting. If we did actually conduct the safety meeting, it could have taken hours. Why? You may be asking. Well, because for the people in my department to all see the movie in their native tongue, we would have to watch about five or six films. Since we are all supposed to be together while viewing the films, that would mean that we would all have to sit through an English version (for me), a Spanish version, A Vietnamese version, A Chinese version, a Japanese version, and an Arabic version. How silly is that? The boss man made a good call tonight, but I am not looking forward to when we do have to actually watch the films next month. (Next months meeting is on hand washing.) I won't be able to stand it. See for me, hearing all those different languages spoken around me all the time gives me a headache. It is not that I mind any of them really, but as soon as I get off the production floor and out into the halls, I take out my ear plugs and insert my ear buds, drowning out the cacophony of gibberish that invades my ears, with the sweet sounds of Hinder or Incubus. At least they are in English, so it is the one time of my night at work that I actually understand what someone is saying. I walk around in my own little world, coming out only long enough to smile at The Cutie when he smiles at me. (He has made it a point to come and talk to me a few times each night for the past two nights in a row, how sweet of him really, considering he probably thinks I am insane the way I watch for that smile.) He made a joke tonight that the only time he ever sees me without something in my ears, is when I am on the phone and am holding something to my ear. He has a point, but it is not an easy thing for me to deal with, that all of these people choose to live and work here in this country, hell half of them have become citizens, yet they are unable (or unwilling is more likely) to learn English. They talk about me to my face, in their native tongues. (I know this because one of my good friends from my old plant works with me, and she speaks Arabic. (She will not tell me what they were saying about me, just that it was not nice, and that women should not say those kinds of words.) Nice, huh? I have never done anything to deserve being talked about in a manner that a friend is not even willing to repeat. I show up on time everyday, and do my job to the best of my ability, then I go home. How does that deserve some one's anger? The Hispanic girls at this plant have been far kinder to me than I had expected, but, and here is a big but.... Most of them speak only the most basic English, and so therefore do not attempt to converse with me. There is one girl, the one I work with on my line, who has tried desperately to communicate with me, and I with her. She is a very nice woman, and I like her very much, but we can not do more than just speak to each other in our native tongues, and hope the other understands enough to get the drift of what we are saying. We have broken down a time or two and called over a translator. Translation, that is another thing that irritates me about the place I work. We have dozens of people running about in light blue colored hard hats. That color indicates a translator. But do not pin your hopes on being able to communicate with one of them. Most of them only speak two languages. Well, that would be fine for me except, I only speak ENGLISH! What happens when I need to speak to the girl who only speaks Japanese? Well, it goes something like this...I call over the Japanese translator, who only translates into Arabic, so we call over an Arabic translator, who only translates into Spanish, so we have to call over the Spanish translator, who translates to me in very broken and hard to comprehend English. Yep. All to ask the Japanese girl where she put my box labels while I was on break. It just isn't worth it. I usually end up playing a very crude version of Charades or Pictionary instead. With about as good of results.

I am also appalled by something else that happens at my work. Something I knew in my heart was taking place, but I didn't want to accept, until The Honey made sure to bring it to the front of my mind by telling me ALL about it. (Thanks HONEY!) That is, the unusual bathroom habits of people from other countries. Now, just let me say, I avoid our bathrooms at all costs. I often wait until about half way through the shift to excuse myself to go take that pee break I have been so desperately needing. Why? Well, it is simple. If I go mid shift i can use the upstairs bathroom that is for the sole use of the "Office" personnel. I just sneak up there when they are all gone for the night. I do this because the downstairs "Production" bathroom, is disgusting. All of the time. I don't mean your average paper towels on the floor gross. I mean toilet seats always soaking wet. Feces covered paper in the garbage cans that are in each stall. Unflushed toilets. It just gives me the Heebie Jeebies. (Kind of SKEEVES me out, if you know what I mean.) See, when I first started working at this plant, I noticed some of the women from the Middle East, and All places Africa, carrying bottles or cups full of water to the restroom with them. In my heart of hearts I knew why, but it didn't really hit home for me until The Honey told me that in the countries these people come from, they do not use toilet tissue like we do, they use water, and their hands, to wash their asses when they are finished using the restroom. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Wow, my stomach turned just typing that sentence. How nasty is that? And why do they find it necessary to leave their nasty ASS WATER, all over the seat for the next person to enjoy. Yuck! I guess it is a good thing I am not wealthy. If I was, I would want to travel the world. If i did, and I went to a country where those kind of bathroom habits were practiced, I would go broke, starting a public awareness campaign on the proper use of toilets and bath tissue. That's all, Goodnight.

Optically illuding myself to where I want to be...

2007-11-01T02:56:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I finally downloaded Stumble. Ticia has been after me to do it for days. I somehow stumbled upon an Optical Illusion page, which is really quite interesting. It is amazing how the human brain can perceive so many things incorrectly. Do you rembmeer the one aoubt radenig the mispleseld words? For example, look at this picture...

It appears to be moving. But it is not. It is all an illusion created by your mind, having to do with the slight movement of your eyes while looking at this picture. If you concentrate on one small spot, you will see that the movement ceases.

Or how about this one...

If you look at the above images from your seat in front of the computer, Mr. Angry is on the left, and Ms. Calm is on the right.

Get up from your seat, and move back 12 feet, and PRESTO!! They switch places!!

They don't really, again just your mind changing the reality into the fantasy.

I think it is nice, to know that our minds have that kind of power. I am thinking I just need to give my brain total control, and I can just "Optically illude" myself into a better life, the life I want, the life I can't seem to get any other way. Hey, if it works for these images, who are you to say I can't make it work on my life? I am willing to give it one hell of a try anyway...care to join me? That's all, Goodnight.

A really bad love poem...

2007-10-31T10:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know this is going to be bad, but I am writing this in response to Ticia's poem. I have never been able to write poetry that rhymes, or is any good at all, so this is my version of a love poem....Ready Ticia?

Their eyes meet,
Their bodies strangers,
Their souls one.
They fall into each other as though they have always been,
Hands reaching,
Bodies arching,
Mouths searching,
Again and again for each other.
They pull,
They push,
They pry,
Until there is nothing between them,
No distinct line between where she ends and he begins.
Her hands in his hair,
His mouth on her breast,
A warm tongue searches out the soft spot,
Somewhere between heaven and nowhere.
Eyes flash,
Skin shines with the light dew of passion.
Her scent is intoxicating,
His taste like honey on her lips.
He takes her,
Gently at first,
Softly,
Sweetly,
Slowly.
And in her he loses himself,
And he forgets that he loves,
And he forgets that he hurts,
And he forgets that he lives.
And all that is,
Or ever was,
Or ever will be,
Is here.
Is in his hands.
And they fuck,
And they fuck to feel,
And they fuck to forget,
And they fuck to fight back,
Against all the chains they have gathered around themselves.
And the tide rolls over them,
And they can not fight it,
And they choose not to fight it,
And they drown there in each other.
And still he seeks her,
Her warmth,
Her breath,
Her life that she offers to him willingly.
And he takes all that she has to give,
Her love,
Her soul.
And in their renewed joining she cries out,
And he derives his pleasure from her small pain,
And he fills her with his heat,
And he fills her with himself.
And his hands caress her hair,
And his mouth tells her that everything will be okay.
And she takes his hand, and follows him,
To that lonely place,
To that place where they can be.
Just be.
And they reach that place together,
And she giggles,
And he sighs,
And the phone beeps,
Beeps,
Beeps out a warning.
An intrusion on the warmth they share,
An invasion of their time together,
A reminder that they can not belong,
And he says I love you,
And she says I love you, and hangs up the phone.

Ha, told you it would be bad. Shame on my teachers for allowing me to get away with shit like that all those years at school. Okay Ticia, Tag, you're it! That's all, bye.

Content...

2007-10-30T02:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, so i was going to write something, and then when I sat down to do it, I completely forgot what i was going to write about. Must not have been important, probably some more whiny ass bullshit about how nothing ever goes right. But I am just not in the mood to be whiny, or bitchy, or pouty, or any of the other things I can do so well. So tonight I will say this.... I am content. Not happy, not life changingly thrilled about anything, but content. Content is good. Content is okay. Content is where I am right now, and I am fine with that. That is all, Goodnight.

P.S. Looks like he deleted the Florida Beach Bimbo from friends list, yeah me! (Maybe that is where the content comes from tonight... anyway, I am glad he did, I feel much better.)

What sex is your brain...

2007-10-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, so Ticia sent me another test to take. This one is to see if your brain is more dominatly male or female. Here are my results....

Angles
This task tested your ability to identify the angle of a line by matching it with its twin. This is a spatial task, which looks at how you picture space.

Your score: 7 out of 20
Average score for men: 15.1 out of 20
Average score for women: 13.3 out of 20

What does your result suggest?

If you scored 0 - 12: You have more of a female brain. Scientists believe that people with a female brain find it more difficult to judge the slope of a line because they're not wired for spatial tasks. In past studies, 65 per cent of people who scored in this range were women.

If you scored 13 - 17: You found this test neither hard nor easy. This suggests your brain has male and female traits when it comes to spatial ability.

If you scored 18 - 20: You have more of a male brain. On average, men outperform women in this task and those with more mathematical knowledge tend to score quite high as well. In past studies, 60 per cent of the people in this range were men.

Interestingly, men's testosterone levels fluctuate through the seasons and studies have shown that men's scores are lower in the spring, when their testosterone levels are at their lowest.

Spot the difference
This task tested your ability to identify which objects changed position. You lost points, if you incorrectly identified objects.

Your score: 64%
Average score for men: 39%
Average score for women: 46%

What does your score suggest?

If you scored between 0 - 33%: You may have more of a male brain. Scientists say men tend to under perform in this task. The corpus callosum, the part of the brain that links the right and left hemispheres, is a fifth larger in women. This means women can process visual and other signals at the same time more easily than men. There is also a theory that oestrogen levels in women give them an added advantage in spatial memory.

If you scored between 34 - 66%: You may have a balanced female-male brain.

If you scored between 67 - 100%: Those with a female-type brain generally score in this range. Your ability to remember where objects are may serve as an advantage to you when you're trying to find your way around places. You're more capable of recalling landmarks to get from one place to another.

Hands

You said your right thumb was on top when you clasped your hands together.

Right thumb on top: This suggests the left half of your brain is dominant. Many studies have tried to establish whether there is a relationship between handedness and brain dominance. Some scientists believe that if you are left brain dominant, you would be more verbal and analytical.

Left thumb on top: This suggests the right half of your brain is dominant. Some studies theorise that as a right brain dominant person, you may excel in visual, spatial and intuitive processes.

However, these theories are debatable and leave much to be said about the small percentage of people who are ambidextrous.

Emotions and Systems
This task looked at whether you prefer to empathise or systemise.

Empathising

Your empathy score is: 13 out of 20
Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20

What does your result suggest?

Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising.

Systemising

Your systemising score is: 8 out of 20
Average score for men: 12.5 out of 20
Average score for women: 8.0 out of 20

What does your result suggest?

Systemisers prefer to investigate how systems work. A system can be a road map, flat pack furniture, or a mathematical equation – anything that follows a set of rules. A score of 15 and above suggests you're good at analysing or building systems. Men in general are better at systemising.

Scientists are keen to learn more about people who score high or low on both tests. They want to find out whether or not empathising and systemising are linked. Is a possible to make yourself more empathic?

Eyes
This task tested your ability to judge people's emotions.

Your score: 8 out of 10
Average score for men: 6.6 out of 10
Average score for women: 6.6 out of 10

What does your result suggest?

If you scored 0 - 3: Do you think you're good at judging how another person is feeling? Your score suggests this doesn't come to you quite so naturally.

If you scored 4 - 6: Your result suggests you have a balanced female-male brain and find it neither easy nor difficult to judge people's emotions.

If you scored 7 - 10: Your result suggests you are a good empathiser, sensitive to other people's emotions. Women generally fall into this category.

Faces
This task looked at how you rate the attractiveness of a series of faces. The images you looked at were digitally altered to create slight differences in masculinity.

Your choices suggest you prefer more masculine faces.

Highly masculinised male faces possess more extreme testosterone markers such as a long, broad and lower jaw, as well as more pronounced brow ridges and cheekbones.

Interestingly, women's preferences are said to vary across the menstrual phase. A more masculine face is preferred during the 9 days prior to ovulation, when conception is most likely.

A typical 'attractive' female face possesses features such as a shorter, narrower, lower jaw, fuller lips and larger eyes than an average face.

3D shapes
This task tested your ability to mentally rotate 3D shapes.

Your score: 9 out of 12
Average score for men: 8.2 out of 12
Average score for women: 7.1 out of 12

What does your result suggest?

If you scored 0 - 6: Do you find yourself having to physically rotate a map to point in the direction in which you're travelling? This might explain why you scored in the lower range in the 3D shapes test. Twice as many women as men score in this category. Previous studies suggest that those with a female-type brain or with an arts background fall into this range.

If you scored 7 - 9: In past studies, 50 per cent of the people who scored in this range were women and 50 per cent were men.

If you scored 10 - 12: Are you an engineer or do you have a science background? People with these skills tend to score in this range. Past studies have concluded that people in this range have a more male brain.

Nearly a third of men who took this test got full marks, whereas less than 10 per cent of women managed the same. Find out why.

Words
This task looked at your verbal fluency.

Your score: you associated 9 word(s) with grey and you named 10 word(s) that mean happy. We are assuming that all the words you entered are correct.

Average score for men: 11.4 words total
Average score for women: 12.4 words total

What does your result suggest?

If you produced 1 - 5 words: You are more of the strong, silent type with a male brain. You probably find it easier to express yourself in non-verbal ways, preferring action rather than words.

If you produced 6 - 10 words: Most people in this range have a female-type brain.

Women are said to use both sides of the brain when doing verbal tasks while men mainly use their left side. Studies have shown that girls develop vocabulary faster than boys. This difference in brain power is caused by levels of pre-natal testosterone.

Ultimatum
This task asked you how you would divide money.

If you had to split £50 with someone, you said you would demand £25

So far on the Sex ID test, men have demanded 51.6% (£25.80) of the pot and women have demanded 51.0% (£25.50), on average.

What does your response suggest?

Sex differences are small in this task. Demanding less than 60% of the pot (ie £30) is more typically female. Demanding more than 65% of the pot (ie £32.50) is more typically male.

Scientists believe that people with lower testosterone levels tend to take fewer risks so they are probably more willing to keep less for themselves. Those with higher testosterone levels tend to drive a harder bargain and are less compromising.

Men's testosterone levels fluctuate over the seasons and are at their lowest levels during the springtime. This is said to influence their bargaining power.

You can take the test here, and see how you score....I am all woman.. tee hee!

That's all, Goodbye!

Another drunken post you have only a few hours to read...(will be deleted whenI come back to the land of the living)

2007-10-28T02:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, so have you ever noticed that no one ever seems to comment on the really important shit I write, but choose to save commenting for the pointless bullshit I put out there? Why is that? Why is it wheni say that i am falling the fuck apart at the seams no one says a fucking wrod, but let me write about some nonsensical bullshit that means nothing to no one (me included) and watch the responses. I am falling apart at the seams, if that matters to anyone. I am falling apart and I do not know how to fix it. i am crying right now, yeah I know, you thinkit is because I amdrunk, and you may be right, but it is also because the path i have chosen to walk is leading me to dark places, I worked until 11:30 tonight. I told the boss man that when he started sending people home I volunteered to be the first to go. so by the time I made it to the bar, I had a lot of catching up to do. I caught up like a champ. You would have been proud. Boss lady's brother kept trying to get me to leave wth him and go to another bar. At the end of the night Sisca (Fransisca) ((Boss Lady's daughter) brought me home as a way to avoid the inevitable explanation as to why I do not want to "Party" with her Uncle. She saw that he was hitting on me, and told him that she would drive me to breakfast, we didn't go, I came home instead. I am wearing a pair of Angel wings right now, i am not sure where they came from, or how I got them. I like them, they remind me of(***edited) How would I ever know? God, this is so fucked up. I am not supposed to give a shit right? I am not supposed to care like this. Why is this tearing my heart into shreds? It is all so stupid. I mean he is free to do what he likes with whomever he likes, same as me. In fact, he gave me permission to shave my legs. Lmao... okay I do not mean permission like you are thinking and this makes no sense to you. It doesn't matter, it makes perfect sense to me....just let me say this.... sometimes it isnice to feel that you "belong" to someone. Not that you are owned, but that they care enough to ask you NOT to shave your legs. See, I choose not to shave my legs, not because I think that i will do something bad, but because I am saying that I ((***Edited***) just not to tell you really hurts, like you don't care, like it is not important to you.... ugh, see this is why I do not blog while drunk.. okay I do it all the time, I just beat most of you here in the morning and delete it before you all read my silly drunken ramblings. I start out blogging and end up writing personal emails instead.. wtf is wrong with me? I did shave my legs tonight before I went to work, but still, I did not do anything I would be ashamed to talk about to anyone...(***Edited here to protect myself from ranting hubby if he reads this).... and i am just going on and on,and nothing makes sense, and the florida beach bimbo is crushing me, and I am reeling, and I am lonely, (***And again here... wow.. i get really telling when I am drinking) Does that shit come with a personal slave? and the job market sucks unless you have a degree or three, and i was looking at that too, and do you want me to (***edited) I just think i need to go pass out, and wake up feeling a little hungover, and a lot happier, cause right now i am spinning, and the room is unstable, or maybe it is my mind, and that's all, goodnight.

***Author's note*** I have edited out portions of this post as a way of keeping some privacy in my life from prying eyes. I would normally delete this entire post as I usually remove anything written while drunk, but seeing that my new friend Mary has commented on this post, and i started with a rant about no one ever commenting on the important things, i feel that it is important to keep this one, at least for a little while. Other than removing sections that may cause a lot of problems, I made no changes to this post. No spell check, no grammar corrections, just me, in the raw, hurting and vulnerable, and putting it all out there on the line.. wow... sometimes i frighten myself with how intensely I feel things... That's all, Bye.

The ramblings of a fevered brain...(Wow, I need some Tylenol.)

2007-10-27T03:29:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am having a pretty shitty night tonight. Work seemed to drag on forever, and we didn't get out of there until almost two in the morning. And someone decided to forgo our second break for the sake of getting the work done. No one asked me if this was okay, they just all did it. Why, you may ask. Well because none of those fuckers smoke, that's why. I am the only smoker in my entire department, and therefore no one thought about the fact that by midnight I am already jonesing for a smoke. Assholes! Also, the whole time I was at work, I had a headache. See The Honey told me today about a new "Friend" of his. For some reason this woman makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and my skin crawls just thinking about her. I really shouldn't let it get to me I know, I mean he told me about her, right? So it is not like he is hiding anything, and I know that he loves me, but it still turns my stomach just thinking about it. Or rather I should say it turns my heart, kind of like in a vice. Okay, enough of that, I need to just let it go. What right do I have to be jealous? But I am. Ugh. Sometimes even I do not like me. How do you people put up with me? How can you stand listening to me whine all the time? (Or rather read about my whining.) You know, it would be great if just once in awhile I could get on here and write something like "Today was amazing, and wonderful, and everything I could have asked for and more." LOL... yeah right, only if I was living someone else's life. I feel like my brain is going to explode soon if it doesn't learn how to shut off all the negative self-talk. Or my heart, which ever one is weakest. I am sick today, I have been for a week now, but today the fever hit. I am currently at 101.6 That isn't a temperature, that is an FM radio station. How do I let myself get this sick? I go for years without getting sick at all and then BAM! I get slammed. I refuse to let this stop me from going out tomorrow night though. If I can still get up and go to work in the morning, i will be out celebrating former Boss Lady's Birthday tomorrow night! We are going to a bar called The Glass Front. I do not know why it is called that. It is a dive that has cheap beer and a good DJ, and tomorrow night is their Halloween Party, but the place has no windows to speak of, so maybe it is a metaphor for something, if you figure it out, let me know will you? My mind can't seem to do more than just wonder about it for now. Actually this fever may be a good thing. With my head already spinning like this, it won't take much to get me drunk. Drunk is what I need to be. I need to learn to get over shit that is bothering me, unfortunately what will probably end up happening is I will get so drunk that I end up crying over shit I have no control over, and I will come home and pass out. Passing out will be good. You would think as sick as I am that I would be sleeping. HA! Again, you forgot this is my fucked up life I am living. The insomnia has actually gotten worse this week, and even though I am so tired I amseeing things that are not there, I still can not sleep for more then a few hours a night. I swear it is a good thing that I do not have to drive myself back and forth to work this week. As we were coming home tonight, Toni spotted a deer standing in the field near the road. She pointed it out and drove on. (A big Buck with a beautiful rack!) About a half a block later i told her to be careful of the deer along the side of the road up ahead. She slowed to a crawl, and my deer were nothing but wind and tall grasses and shadows. How's that for needing some real honest to goodness sleep? I am considering going back to spend the night at Todd's house again. That was the last night I got any really good sleep. See, I slept on the couch, but it wasn't just me on the couch. Now let me say this so that it is perfectly clear to all. NOTHING HAPPENED! NOT SO MUCH AS A PECK ON THE CHEEK! But, I did sleep well. When I fell asleep, I was sitting up at one end of the couch, and Russ was curled up at the other end. I do not know when or how, but at some point we ended up both stretched out cuddled together. My head on his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me. Apparently we slept like that all night, because we got teased about it the next day. Again I want to stress that NOTHING HAPPENED! I do not want one of you to go off all half cocked and turn it into something it wasn't. Russ and I are ONLY friends. that is all, that is all that ever will be. But I will say, it felt nice to be held. And I slept well. For the first time. In a long time. I just wish it had been in someone else's arms. I may be taking a trip soon. I may be going to a town called (***edited). I will be going with my friend Paula, to help her with some family matters she has to deal with. That will be a nice trip. I hope it all works out. I would love to go. I need to go. I want to go. And I will miss it when I am back home. That's all, Goodnight.

Pineapples, Pineapples, Pineapples everywhere...

2007-10-26T07:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know none of you will get this, and that is okay. But lately I just can't seem to get enough of pineapples. I just wanted to share all my pineapple finds with you, like this pineapple song.

And I think I may be a pineapple for Halloween. Which costume should I wear?

Or maybe...

Maybe I will just grow a Pineapple Plant...

Or have a Pineapple Drink...

Or Just lounge around with a Pineapple Friend in my Pineapple Sunglasses outside The Pineapple House. (Sponge Bob Style...)

Eating Pineapple KitKats...

Maybe I will vacation at The Pineapple House in Antigua.

Maybe I will take a tour of Pineapple Park in Okinawa. (Found on the US Marines in Japan website.)

Or maybe I will get the Pineapple shaped dildo....Lmao...as seen here in this video.

Pineapple-Shaped Dildo - The funniest videos clips are here

Maybe I will go on the Pineapple Diet to lose those last unwanted pounds.

Or maybe instead I will eat Curry Shrimp with Pineapple.

Or maybe... I will just say Pineapple, and giggle like a school girl. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. You were right, Bung Polish doesn't exist... YET!

Almost irresistible...

2007-10-24T01:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I had to fight an almost irresistible urge tonight. All night at work tonight, I watched the little cutie with the not quite right hands. I watched him smile, and laugh, and listened to him say my name so soft when he said hello to me. I had the urge to kiss him. Of course I didn't do it. But GOD DAMN IT, I WANTED TO! But that is not the urge I am talking about. That is not the one I fought with so hard. See, I spent half of tonight crying. I am not sure why. I guess it was because of the monotony that is my job, the monotony that is my life. It was because of the fact that my son turned fourteen today, and I wasn't there to kiss him. It was because I am lonely ninety nine percent of the time, but I am always surrounded by people. It was because I am always laughing, and I always feel like crying. It was because I knew work would end, and I would have to come home, to a home I no longer feel completely comfortable in. It was because I work such odd hours that I never see my daughters, and when I do, the older of the two is constantly telling me how angry she is at me. It was because I am sad. It was because I feel like no one understands or cares what I want, what I need. It was because of the fact that I have been blessed with a man who really loves me, and what he is offering is just not enough for me. It was because the cutie's hands are not quite right. It was because I shaved my legs. It was because I just want to be held, and I do not want to be touched. It was because I am not deserving, and yet I deserve more. It was because of everything, and nothing. So, tonight when I clocked out, and put away my things, I fought the urge to scream. I just wanted to scream so loud that everyone would back away and just let me breathe. As I waited for Toni to come and get me, I fought the urge to just walk away. That is what i wanted to do so badly tonight that I almost couldn't fight it. I wanted to walk away, fast, before she got there. I wanted to walk until I couldn't take another step, and then just stick out my thumb and take the first ride I was offered to where ever it was they were going, and then do it all over again, until I was as far away from here as I could possibly get. I wanted to walk away and never look back. I wanted to take only the clothes on my back and just go. Escape. Be free. I wanted to leave all my responsibilities behind me. All the people who depend on me. I am so tired. So tired all of the time of being so much to so many. How is it that all these people seem to need me, but I am not allowed to need anyone. It isn't fair, and I do not want to do it anymore. I want to turn off the tears. I want to turn off the pain. I want to turn off. I want to run away. I want to never come back. I want to remember what is feels like to breathe without choking on tears. I want to remember what it feels like to feel good. What it feels like to be happy. What it feels like to be me. If I had had more than twelve dollars in my pocket and an almost maxed out credit card, I wouldn't have been able to fight off the urge. If I thought that at the end of my journey, there might be a soft place for me to fall, I would have gone anyway. But there is no soft place for me to land. There is no fairy tale happy ending in my story. And his hands, they just aren't quite right. That's all, goodnight.

It isn't the couch.. it is the IDEA of the couch...

2007-10-23T02:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am sitting here lonely, and listening to AC/DC's Thunderstruck, and my mind is not here, and my heart is not here, and my soul is not here. They are all far off, visiting someplace else. Trying to invade someone else's dreams. Trying to get into someone else's head. Someone who is sleeping. Someone who is dreaming. Someone who is cuddled up warm somewhere. Someone who is cuddled up on a big leather couch, because the leather feels cool. And the television is on, because the light and the sound drive back the demons that try to creep in. My mind is taking me there. Taking me to that couch, taking me into those dreams. It is a safe place for me, in those dreams. My mind takes me to other people's dreams, because mine are not safe. Mine are not a good place for me to be. Mine are scary and cold, and dark, and that is why I do not sleep. That is why I need someone to open up and let me into their dreams. That is why I want to be on that couch, far away, cuddled up and warm, with the cool leather underneath me, sleeping, safe, loved. That's all, Goodnight.

Pour mon amoureux...

2007-10-21T15:59:00.000-05:00

Vous me rendez faible. La pensée à vous remplit mon chaque moment de réveil. Pensée à passer ma vie avec vous dans des mes bras. Pensant à vous tenir, et à vous toucher, vous embrassant, vous caressant, faisant à amour vous pour toujours... juste une éternité douce lente de l'amour. Vous êtes l'homme de mes rêves, celui j'ai attendu mon vie entière, mais n'ai jamais pensé que je trouverais jamais. Je dois regarder dans vos yeux quand je vous dis que je t'aime, quand je vous dis que j'appartiens à vous et seulement à vous. Je vous veux maintenant. Je t'aime mon ange doux, mon bébé, mon amour, mon coeur, ma vie. Je suis à vous dès maintenant jusqu'à la fin du temps. C'est tout, au revoir.

Okay, I want this movie...

2007-10-21T15:12:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I admit it... I have a special place in my heart for silly zombie movies. Shawn Of The Dead is a personal favorite secret pleasure of mine. I also liked the new Dawn Of The Dead, and the old one. I was not so keen on Land Of The Dead, just because the gore went a little too far in that one for my tastes. I like the funny gore, but there is something about watching people being eviscerated, and having their intestines gnawed on while they are still screaming that rather turns my stomach. But this movie is one that i just know will be another of my guilty little pleasures. I know I am a bit odd, but that is just me.

That's all, Bye.

Ummm.. Okay then... I still don't get it...

2007-10-21T14:00:00.000-05:00

The report was generated with the following birth data: female, born on 26 September 1971 at 3:17 pm in Santa Monica, California.

Your sun sign is Libra. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is in Capricorn, and your Moon is in Sagittarius.

Partner references which may occur in the text are set for a relationship with a man. Explanation

Sun in Libra, Moon in Sagittarius

An intellectual, you are usually preoccupied with ideas. However, you rarely seek knowledge for its own sake. You tend to be didactic and try to convert others to your ideas.

In defending your ideas you display all the strength of a zealot. Fortunately, your well- developed judgment tells you exactly where your opinions are not welcome. You are by nature straightforward and don't profess to be more than you are. Your genuine concern for people inclines you toward social work. It is difficult for you to restrain yourself, and your better judgment is often hidden beneath the flash of some new and not-too-wise inspiration. But you are a harmonious individual - that is, no serious conflict exists between idea and action, between what you appear to be and what you are.

Ascendant in Capricorn, Saturn in the Fifth House

At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Capricorn was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Saturn is located in the fifth house.

The sign of Capricorn denotes an existence in which temperament is very important. You will give an image of ambition, persistence, will power, consistency and perseverance. You were born with the tendencies to seek material, social, and, perhaps, even political power.

Capricorn tends to a challenging life which forces you to exert all your resources in order to triumph. Because of your tact and prudence, you will be favored with the good will of important people.

Your mind is egocentric, rational and you have a natural tendency toward scepticism. Able to work hard, you will bear obstacles and frustrations with patience.

You will proceed with prudence in your love life and in all other activities. You will seriously consider all of the ramifications of a relationship, especially the aspects of your independence, and you will not commit yourself to a partner until you are sure of your choice. After that however there is a tendency to conduct a peaceful and quiet life.

You are very economical in your daily activities, and if you do not exert some control over this trait, it could appear as rather mean.

You are best placed in governmental, municipal, political, or large business organizations where hierarchy is very exactly defined. The key word for your professional orientation is responsibility.

This position means, among other things, that you have a secret and powerful desire for psychological fulfillment and sex gratifications. However, Saturn presents many disappointments and problems in love affairs and you will be attracted to persons who are not easily within reach. In business matters it is not altogether good for speculation, but it gives you good prospects in investments in solid assets such as land, real estate or mines.

Note: Saturn is technically near the end of house 4 and is therefore interpreted in house 5.

Saturn in the Fifth House

Saturn was found in the fifth house at the time of your birth. Circumstances may oblige you to appear humble and patient in connection with love affairs and as a response to obstacles that will come between you and the object of your love.

It is possible that unless you can exert good control of your temperament, the obstacles can create a response from you that is harsh and severe. You must view these matters in light of the spiritual cause and effect.

We advise you to be very careful in business speculations and not to become involved in operations that have a risky element.

You should make an effort to become involved with the various human experiences of love so that your communicative power is increased. You must be sincere with yourself. Secretly you nourish the desire to be involved in human situations, but you apparently have lost the ability to relate to other people. A little more openness and confidence in your loved ones could be a good course to follow.

Note: Saturn is technically near the end of house 4 and is therefore interpreted in house 5.

Sun in the Eighth House

The Sun was found in your eighth house at the time of birth. This inclines your individuality to be oriented, in one way or another, to the deeper sides of life. Your sexual feelings are long-lasting, intense, and vital. Your inner self seems attracted to unusual matters related to the termination of life-death and its mysteries.

Traditional astrology indicates that near your middle age a crisis will rear its head in your life. If this period is successfully spanned you can expect a prolonged life with a gradual heightening vitality.

Financially, there are definite chances for money inherited from either your partner or from another relative.

Venus in the Ninth House

Venus was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. Your mind appears as very adaptable, gentle, peace-loving and tactful. This position indicates that the secret for your ability to reach a state of harmony and emotional balance may come through the use of your higher mental powers. You have been born with an exquisitely refined, artistic mind which has a very subtle appreciation of all that has to do with culture. Your disposition is kind, congenial, gentle and sympathetic and you have a natural ability to assist other individuals.

This position gives you much social intercourse with intellectual persons and success derived therefrom.

Merely minor disabilities will affect you in your intellectual endeavors. The worst that could happen would be an overly inquisitive, indecisive nature that never seems to be satisfied. However, you have within you the ability to avoid these psychological obstacles.

Note: Venus is technically near the end of house 8 and is therefore interpreted in house 9.

Moon in the Eleventh House

The Moon was found in the eleventh house at the time of your birth. You should be an individual with many friends and acquaintances, both from within and without your home and domestic circle. You are a person who can make friends in the highest social categories as well as with persons of an inferior status.

This position may also increase the possibilities of having a satisfactory family life and a very congenial domestic aspect with the potentiality of easily fraternizing with other people.

Astrological Data used for Short Report - Personal Portraitfor Dawn (female)
born on 26 Sep 1971 local time 3:17 pm
in Santa Monica, CA (US) U.T. 22:17
118w29, 34n01 sid. time 14:43:19

Planetary positionsplanet sign degree motion
Sun Libra 3°09'57 in house 8 direct
Moon Sagittarius 23°53'51 in house 11 direct
Mercury Virgo 23°41'36 in house 8 direct
Venus Libra 11°17'50 end of house 8 direct
Mars Aquarius 13°51'36 in house 1 direct
Jupiter Sagittarius 2°14'49 in house 10 direct
Saturn Gemini 6°28'22 end of house 4 stationary (R)
Uranus Libra 13°15'52 in house 9 direct
Neptune Sagittarius 0°50'50 in house 10 direct
Pluto Virgo 29°41'17 in house 8 direct
True Node Aquarius 13°09'21 in house 1 retrograde
Planets at the end of a house are interpreted in the next house.

House positions (Placidus)Ascendant Capricorn 23°38'46
2nd House Pisces 4°27'46
3rd House Aries 13°02'07
Imum Coeli Taurus 13°17'02
5th House Gemini 7°28'24
6th House Gemini 29°31'34
Descendant Cancer 23°38'46
8th House Virgo 4°27'46
9th House Libra 13°02'07
Medium Coeli Scorpio 13°17'02
11th House Sagittarius 7°28'24
12th House Sagittarius 29°31'34

Major aspectsSun Sextile Jupiter 0°55
Sun Trine Saturn 3°18
Sun Sextile Neptune 2°19
Sun Conjunction Pluto 3°29
Moon Square Mercury 0°12
Moon Square Pluto 5°47
Mercury Conjunction Pluto 6°00
Mercury Trine Ascendant 0°03
Venus Trine Mars 2°34
Venus Trine Saturn 4°49
Venus Conjunction Uranus 1°58
Mars Trine Uranus 0°36
Jupiter Opposition Saturn 4°14
Jupiter Conjunction Neptune 1°24
Jupiter Sextile Pluto 2°34
Saturn Opposition Neptune 5°38
Neptune Sextile Pluto 1°10
Numbers indicate orb (deviation from the exact aspect angle).

Hungover...

2007-10-21T12:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, so i got stupid drunk last night. I should not do that. I end up saying and doing things i regret the next day. I also end up with a horrific hangover like the one i am currently nursing. You know the kind. The light from the computer monitor is too bright. The tip-tapping of the keys as I type is too loud. The planes ascending and descending in their flight path to and from Epply are screaming today. The wind is blowing too loudly, slamming the tree branches together like children playing rough games. The clock is ticking out a slow steady drum beat that echos in my brain and makes it hurt. That's all, Bye.

The smile that haunts my dreams...

2007-10-20T01:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, so there is this guy at work. He is just a living doll. He is young, and sweet, and has a smile that haunts my dreams. He has sweet lips, that look so soft. And when he smiles, it fills his face, it shows in his big brown eyes. I find myself looking towards him a lot during the slow points of the night. Every time he looks up and meets eyes with me, I am rewarded with that huge toothy grin. His smile is so incredibly sweet. It gives me butterflies. It makes my heart do a little dance every time I see it flash in my direction. His eyes light up when he smiles. Dark brown, with little gold flecks. Dark brown hair, cut short, but still worn just a bit too long. (I am a sucker for high and tights, and flat tops.) He is not too tall, about 5'9". He speaks so softly. Almost in a whisper when he says hello to me each day. His voice is deep. Soothing. Musical. But, his hands aren't right. His hands are too delicate. Strong looking, but slender. That is the one thing that ruins the dream. The hands. They look too soft. See this guy at work, he isn't the one who haunts my dreams. It is not his smile I see when I close my eyes. It is not even his smile I see when I look at him. It is not his voice I hear greeting me each evening. Not his eyes I catch looking at me, not his hair I want to cut. Not his hands I want to hold. But, he sure does remind me of all those things. He reminds me, and I get butterflies each time. And I feel my heart dance in my chest. And I sleep a little better because of it. That's all, Goodnight.

A good smile at the end of the day makes it all worth it...

2007-10-20T00:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, so today was not all bad. In fact, right before I got home, two things happened to make me smile. See, last night I had a headache, and decided I didn't want to deal with the noise and chaos that is the casino, so I did not go to cash my check. Instead, I went tonight after work. Toni wasn't feeling well, so I was in a bit of a hurry as I walked through the parking structure and onto the elevator. I was followed in by two good looking men. On the ride to casino level, they struck up a conversation with me. They asked about my work, as I was still wearing the five layers of clothing that I wear to try and stay relatively warm at work. I top off all the layers by wearing a company quilted jacket. They asked about my job, and then they asked if i would like to have a drink or two with them, and gamble a bit. I commented that I work much too hard for my money to give it away to the casino, at which they said that I didn't need any money if I chose to stay and play. I smiled sweetly, and thanked them, and told them i was sorry, but I have to work tomorrow, so home was where I was heading. The more talkative (and attractive) of the two handed me his card as we parted ways. "Call me.", was written hurriedly on the back. It made my night! Of course I thanked them again, and headed onto the boat to cash my check, as they headed towards the bar. I dropped the card in the garbage at the security check point. (I do not need any more complications in my life thank you very much. But the thought was sweet, and made me feel good.) At the security check point, I started through the turnstile as usual, when I was stopped by the guard. He asked me for ID. I laughed, and asked him if he was joking. I told him I have not been asked for ID to get into the casino for ten years, at which point he said that someone wasn't doing their job. He said I was not getting on the boat without ID, because he wouldn't guess me at much more than twenty two. I laughed my ass off, and told him I think I might love him. I handed him my ID, and he just shook his head. "This isn't you.", he said. I laughed again, and handed him my work ID. I told him that was definitely me, a whole lot of pounds ago. He looked at the two pictures side by side, and then back at me. He just kept shaking his head. He checked and rechecked my pictures, comparing them against me. He swiped my ID through some strange machine that tells if it is legit. He held it under a black light to verify the watermarks. The people behind me were starting to get irritated, but I was loving it. Twenty two is a long stretch when guessing my age, but most people shave off five or six years when they guess. Six months ago, people guessed just about right. I love that I am starting to look and feel like me again. I need to start doing those silly exercise DVDs I bought. Then I will be back to the real me a lot faster, but considering that since I have started losing all the weight, I have been carded for cigarettes, at the casino, and at the bar i go to almost every weekend, I guess I can say I am doing a pretty damned good job, and be happy with myself for once. At least for a little while. That's all, Goodnight.

Usted es mi amor, mi corazón, mi vida...

2007-10-19T03:15:00.000-05:00

Le amo solamente. Usted es mi todo. Usted significa el mundo a mí. Le falto. Le deseo. Le necesito. Te quiero, por siempre.

Not tonight, I have a headache...

2007-10-19T01:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have decided I do not like censuring myself. I need to take the advice of my new friend Mary (In her comment on my last post), and find a blog page where I can be me, and yet what I write can only be read by people invited in. If anyone knows of such a blog site, please let me know. It really sucks to even be considering doing that though. I have always lived my life as an open book. Unafraid and unashamed to be who I am, regardless of how others perceive me. Ugh. I will finish this post some other time...I have a raging headache, and just thinking about having to hide my thoughts and feelings is making it worse. That's all for now, Bye.

Another post of the type I normally try to avoid...

2007-10-17T01:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know I have been writing some half-hearted, means nothing bullshit lately. Mostly that is because I now feel as though I have to edit myself for whom ever may happen upon my page. (Or be sent here by villainous nosey bitches.) My really personal life, I can no longer share, as I do not like having to deal with all the bullshit that came about from my being TOTALLY HONEST with people. Apparently honesty is over rated, and there are people in my life who prefer to be lied to. So be it. So, that being said, and the really private things now staying private, I am at a bit of a loss as to what to write about these days. I could write about the fact that my desk is covered in stacks of papers I keep meaning to go through, and how right now, I think there is a mouse in said stacks of paper having himself a good ol' time. But hell, I am already bored with thinking about it myself, so let's move on. I will talk about something that does mean something to me. That something is Breast Cancer. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and to all of my female readers, (Yes, I mean both of you! The rest of my regular visitors are all male.) please take the time to do something worthwhile for yourself each month, and do a breast self-exam. This is unbelievably important. It saves lives. To everyone else, please encourage your mothers, sisters, wives, daughters, aunts, cousins, nieces, sweethearts, and any other females in your lives to do the same. I have lost three Aunts to breast cancer. And had they detected the cancers sooner, they might still be here today. No one should ever have to watch a loved one suffer through such pain. It is a simple thing to do. If you don't know how, then just click here for step by step instructions on how to perform a breast self exam. If you do not want to do it for yourself, then do it for all the people out there that love you. (Like me for example.) Also, there is something we can all do everyday (even you men) to help fight this horrible disease. It is so simple that even the laziest among you can do it. All you have to do is go to this website, and click the large pink button that says CLICK HERE TO GIVE! See? It is simple, it is free, and each click they receive helps a woman who can not afford it, (OR whose insurance company says she is too young to need it, despite a family history of breast cancer, and whose doctor wants her to have one, like ME damn it!) get a free mammogram. What could be more simple? What could you do online today that could be more important than saving someone's life? So go click already, and click often, click daily. Okay, so now that I have done my public service announcement for this month, I will go back to writing my normal posts. The whiny, self serving, self battering bullshit that I am used to writing. Maybe I will post something good tomorrow... One can always hope. That's all. Goodnight.

The Way it was...

2007-10-16T12:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I got home a bit early from work last night. I went to the store, came home and ate, and then I got a phone call from Toni. She was crying. It seems her son Todd was drunk, and she said some not so nice things to her son Russ about how Todd's "down-fall" is all his fault. That simply isn't the case. Todd is a full grown man (older than me) and is quite capable of making his own decisions. Russ had left the bar early, Todd didn't leave til around midnight. Thing is, Toni has always been much closer to Todd than to Russel, and so she is more than willing to blame Russel for Todd's mistakes. She told me that she wanted to go try and talk to Todd. To talk some sense into him. (Toni is convinced that everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, or is on their way to being an alcoholic.) So off I went, along for the ride. We checked the bar where Todd was last seen, but he was already gone. She decided to head over to the boys' apartment. (Todd and Russ share the apartment with a new friend named Tim added into the mix.) I went upstairs and told Todd that his mother wanted to talk with him. He was so funny. He kept trying to convince me to climb into bed with him. He told me I was beautiful and nice, and then that I was a bitch. I just laughed and told him to go talk with his mommy. I stayed upstairs with Russ and Tim to give them a chance to talk. About ten minutes later Todd came in furious. You know, he was experiencing that rage that only a truly drunk person ever feels. Apparently Toni had called Russ a loser, and told Todd that he was becoming a loser just like his brother. (This is an unfair statement. Russ owns his own business, and has always maintained a home. He recently split with the woman he spent sixteen years with, and has been drinking a bit more than what is usual for him since then, so this is not a fair assessment of him.) Todd came in yelling at me. Telling me that I hate him, and think he is a loser too. (How do I get drawn into the drama? I wasn't even there! I had stayed upstairs so that I didn't somehow get involved.) Russ and Tim quickly came to my defense, and I went to check on Toni. Toni was very upset. We drove home, and by the time we pulled into her driveway, she was in tears. I spent awhile talking with her, and calming her down. A kiss and a hug on my way out the door, and she seemed to be feeling a bit better. On my way out the door I called Todd. I was going to bitch at him for making his mother cry. Didn't quite turn out the way I had planned. When I called Russ answered. We talked for about ten minutes before he told me that Todd had left saying something about killing himself. Men! I swear they should outlaw drinking for emotional men. I told Russ that I would go and look for him. Russ sent Tim to come pick me up to find him. We found him alright. He was walking down the side of the road, having just got unstuck from a field full off mud up to his waist. (It has been raining here for over a week.) Personally, I think it would have been funny if he had been stuck to the point of having to spend the night trapped in the field. Maybe then he would rethink it next time he decided to do something so stupid. Anyway, we picked him up, and took him back to the apartment. Todd spent the next several hours alternating between crying, and raging at the situation he has placed himself in. Alternating between loving and hating everyone. Finally at about five this morning, he talked himself out, and went to bed. I curled up on the couch and slept. No one is too very pleased with me this morning. The hubby is unhappy, because I never made it back home last night, and I spent the night in an apartment with three men. Toni is not happy because she thinks I am siding with the boys against her. That simply isn't true. I was just being the same friend to him, as I have always been. Doing the same for him that I would have done for any of my friends who needed me. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. I was asked this morning, if there was anything romantic going on between Todd and myself. That question is almost laughable. If the person who asked it knew Todd, they would never have asked me such a silly question. Oh don't get me wrong. I have never had a male friend who didn't at one point drunkenly confess a secret desire to be with me in a romantic way (except for Bill), and Todd is no exception to that rule. (Hell, even Russ hit on me last night. Over and over again.) But, I think more of myself than to do that. I wouldn't ever sleep with Todd. And besides, I didn't shave my legs. That's all, Bye.

Climbing out...

2007-10-15T23:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, so you may have noticed that I have been writing some shit that is a bit odd lately. (Even for me.) I guess it is because I am trying to get away from the whole pity me attitude I have been carrying around the past two weeks. I am tired of whining. I am happier today than I have been in two weeks. I will not go into the details as to why, just know that it is a good thing that I am coming out of this blue-black funk I have been hiding in. I hate when I let myself fall like that. When the not so pleasant things in my life can tear me in two and make me feel like dying. I am better now. I feel good today. I feel stronger today. I feel content today. I feel complete today. That's all, Goodnight.

My favorite pair of jeans...

2007-10-15T00:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, so my favorite jeans are nothing special. I bought them at a thrift store about two moths ago. Back then they fit a little tight. Now they are a bit baggy. That's good, I like them like that. They are faded perfectly. They are low rise flares, and a bit worn at the hem because I am so short they often drag on the ground when I walk. They look great paired with a tight t-shirt, or a babydoll shirt (of which I am very fond). They look great with my skater shoes (That's what my nephew calls my tennis shoes.) or with my super high heeled clod hoppers. (That's what Toni calls my strappy super high and chunky heeled black shoes.) They are great for a day spent hanging around the house doing a whole lot of nothing. They are great for a night spent out with the girls, shaking my ass all over the dance floor. They are great for wearing to a party, or wearing to work. They feel great sitting right at my hips, though they are starting to slide down just a little these days. They feel great on my thighs, so soft against that, oh so sensitive, naked skin. They feel great kissing my ankles as I walk. Apparently they look pretty good too. They are the jeans that get me the most looks from men. The jeans that get me asked to dance most often. Maybe it is not the jeans. Maybe it is how they make me feel. They make me feel comfortable. They make me feel sexy. They make me feel like I am ready to have a good time. I bought a sister pair at the same time. Same brand, different cut. A pair of hipster, button fly flares. I like them too. But they are just not the same. I have a favorite pair of jeans. And that is always a good thing. That's all, Bye.

Okay, so...

2007-10-14T03:19:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I just got home from the fuckerware party, and the bar. Okay, several bars, with a bag full of goodies i bought. I went to the hubby to get a little, go figure the answer is that he is tired. I swear, nothing ever changes. I am going to go use my bag of goodies alone. I am going to get what I need, and then fall into a drunken stupor. I am going to give the fuck up. I am going to shave my legs next time I go out. (I didn't this time, I am not going to go into details why I didn't. The one who cares, already knows.) So, off I go, and here I come. See ya on the flip side. That's all, Goodnight.

Yesterday, I cried...

2007-10-12T03:14:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I cried. I didn't just cry. I sobbed. And I choked on my tears. And I let the tears roll into my hair, and soak my pillow. I cried for the little girl whose mother never loved her. I cried for the young girl who had her innocence stolen, over and over again. I cried for the young woman who gave up her dreams to become a mother. I cried for the woman who held her baby in her arms as she took her last breath. I cried for the almost middle aged woman who is trying to find happiness, and doesn't know where to look. I cried for me. I cried long. I cried hard. I cried for my lost babies. I cried for my lost friend. I cried for my lost soul. I cried. As I cried the hubby put his arms around me, and drifted off to sleep. And still I cried. And with each tear I gained a brick. And with those bricks I have started building a wall. A fortification. A barrier. One that will protect me. One that will save what is left of my soul. One that will keep people out of a place so raw and sore that one touch sends out waves of agony that take my breath away. A place so dark and cold. A place that is frightening, even to me. My tears have given me a new strength. A foundation on which to build. I will use my tears to fill the moat that will surround my wall. I will mortar the bricks together with pain, and anger, and wasted energy. My wall will be strong. Impenetrable. Impregnable. And that is where I will live. And that is where the real me, the weak me, the sad me, the scared me, the scarred me, the small child, the young girl, the young woman, the woman, the almost middle aged woman, will find peace. Happiness is an illusion, a dream. A dream I no longer care to chase. I will give only that of myself which is necessary for survival. The rest will stay hidden, and safe, and buried. Bricked up for all time, unless someone knows a secret. A secret way into my wall. And that my friends, is very unlikely. That's all. Goodnight.

And I thought I had heard it all...

2007-10-12T01:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I do not normally write about other people's shit. I do not do current events. But this was something I just could not go without commenting on. Before I say another word, read the following article...

CASSELBERRY, Fla. — A police officer who slipped and injured a knee responding to a toddler's near-drowning has sued the family of the 1-year-old boy, who suffered brain damage and can no longer walk, talk or swallow.

Casselberry Sgt. Andrea Eichhorn alleges Joey Cosmillo's family left a puddle of water on the floor, causing her fall during the rescue efforts. She broke her knee and missed two months of work.

The boy fell into the pool outside the family's home in suburban Orlando in January and now lives in a nursing home and eats and breathes through tubes.

"The loss we've suffered, and she's seeking money?" said Richard Cosmillo, 69, the boy's grandfather, who lived in the home with his wife and the boy's mother. "Of course there's going to be water in the house. He was sopping wet when we brought him in."

Eichhorn's attorney, David Heil, said she has persistent knee pain and will likely develop arthritis. He said city benefits paid by workers' compensation and some disability checks helped with medical bills, but it wasn't enough.

The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages.

"It's a situation where the Cosmillos have caused these problems, brought them on themselves, then tried to play the victim," Heil said.

Eichhorn's personnel file includes numerous commendations. The 12-year veteran has worked as a hostage negotiator and prostitution decoy and wrestled razors away from a suicidal person.

After reading this article, two words come to mind. Two words I try not to use unless truly pushed to the absolute end of my patience. Those two words are STUPID CUNT! I am completely flabbergasted by the audacity of this woman. And then, the incredible balls of the lawyer to say the family brought this on themselves "and then tried to play the victim." You have got to be fucking kidding me. No wonder so many people think lawyers are all scum. How do people become so ridiculous as to think this is okay? That somehow this behaviour and these words are moral and just? It makes me afraid for the future. What is next? Doctors suing patients because they catch a cold while giving an exam for a cold? Firemen suing a homeowner for getting burned while attempting to extinguish a house fire? A nurse suing because the Alzheimer's patient she was changing accidentally pisses on her? Where does the madness end? When will people step up to the plate and take responsibility for the bad things that happen in their lives? When will we as a nation (As a species even.), stand up to idiots like this and say "NO MORE, YOU DON"T GET ONE FUCKING CENT!" I am in awe! In awe of the ignorance that surrounds me. This is why I do not read the news paper anymore. Getting this angry just gives me a headache. I would love to hear what you think of this story, leave a comment. That's all, Goodnight.

Not one perfect match...

2007-10-11T12:24:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I went Ticia one step further, and took the eChemistry personality profile test. Here are my results...funny, not one perfect match, but 83 near misses... who would have guessed it... Lmao.

Your type is called 'The Surprise Philosopher.' You are steady and reliable and talk less than the people around you. You are laid back and fun to hang out with and at the same time have an underlying intensity in everything you do. You hate to be bored, so you're likely to try new things to keep life interesting.

You are intensely passionate. That last sentence could be in all capitals it's so vital to your character. You love absolutely and completely, and you simply cannot get naked enough when the action starts. You work hard and you play hard, and your romantic relationships are much more passionate behind closed doors than your coworkers would guess from your mild, unassuming exterior.

There's a hard edge to your personality which really tests who is worth your time. You are probably quite sarcastic, or at least have gone through very sarcastic periods. You simply don't put on a facade when someone is being an idiot, and that blunt honesty keeps idiots at a distance.

You see situations for exactly what they are, and you state reality so bluntly that people can't help but go along with what you see. You don't get bogged down in procedures or theories, you just do what needs to be done and get things over with. You don't want to exert yourself any more than you have to, so you become an expert at using tools to the maximum advantage so that the time you spend working is extremely efficient in getting results. You excel at finding novel approaches to solving problems because of this and are somewhat of an inventor.

You are definitely an idea person. You come up with concepts for new businesses or products all the time without even trying. You are a natural born entrepreneur and, more than other types, are likely to work for yourself, even as a contractor to someone else, rather than work in a regular 9 to 5 job. You are incredibly skilled with problem solving and not inclined towards desk work. In fact, paperwork can slip through the cracks for you. You avoid all mundane, repetitive, boring work and excel at anything requiring physical skill and finding solutions to surprise problems.

You're called the Surprise Philosopher because you spend so much time in the background, particularly in groups, and just when you've blended totally in you're likely to say something really abstract and meaningful and people are likely to turn their heads in wonder that you were just hanging in the flow a moment before and suddenly reached such a deep level. You spend so much time in your own mind that you simply listened to the topic, then took it step by step, breaking it down, and came out with your final conclusion without verbally helping everyone else along your train of thought. When the conversation turns toward the philosophical topic you've brought up you're likely to tire of repeating yourself while others catch up to what you were thinking.

You communicate more through actions than words. You learn by doing, rather than by hearing, seeing or reading. Standard grade school was not intended for students like you, and you probably found it incredibly tedious and boring.

You were designed to use your hands and mind to master tools which other people cannot. When introduced to new tools, including weapons, your skill develops faster and further, and you speak more technically about it than others could, even if they were given more time and practice. You are drawn to music and, if you try, you find that you are much more of a natural at playing instruments than other people. You want to be comfortable and secure and you excel at anything which helps advance those goals.

You feel most comfortable when other people don't know exactly what to expect from you. If people can't stereotype you then you're less vulnerable and you have more options to do whatever you'd like without it being particularly shocking to anyone. In fact, even those close to you never know whether you'll respond to something with instant enthusiasm or reserved thought.

You particularly enjoy unexpectedly stepping up to tackle a mechanical or instrument problem and then solving it with ease, although you'll steer clear if the problem involves people or attitudes. If you absolutely must refer to the directions then you will read only the part which specifically applies to the problem at hand. You like work which has a definite end, a completion point, rather than 'research' or 'administration' which could continue on forever.

You are observant and will watch your environment, collecting data, constantly. This makes you especially valuable in an emergency because you are the most likely to have spotted things going wrong and know the source of problems before anyone else.

You don't waste energy on creating plans which might not work out. You prefer to face each day anew and tackle problems as they arise. You rely on yourself and trust common sense to get things done in nearly all circumstances.

If you choose to become a parent you do not feel the need to impose yourself or your standards on your children the way others do. In your eyes your children are individuals and you will respond to each of them according to their situations at any given time. Your spouse and your children know that you will give them the freedom and space they need to be their own person and you expect the same treatment in return.

You know what tastes good, what feels good against your skin, and what smells satisfy you. Of all personality types, yours is first to notice the signs of hunger, fatigue, sleepiness or discomfort in your body, and you can get quite irritable and distracted if those issues are not resolved in a timely fashion. Because you are attentive to the needs of your body you are likely to stop and remedy such issues before they become a problem.

Your level of conformity to any group is always negotiable. One day you may be an excited participant, but in general you find groups and strangers to be irritating. As a teenager you exhibited anti-social behaviors, and as an adult you've learned tact, but in your heart you still prefer the private company of a few close friends, or time completely alone, to time with any particular large social group of people.

You really want to like people, and there are some that you truly love, but you take each new person in a group as an individual. You maintain your individual personality in any group and are repelled when people pressure you to conform. If you do participate regularly in any social group it is with minimal investment of your feelings. You are something of an observer even while being a participant, and it takes very little to convince you that you need a break or to leave the group altogether.

You're always looking for someone new when you're single. Much more than other types it's important to you that your romantic partners are physically attractive, the more extremely attractive the better, and you're willing to forgo some of the deep emotional connection for someone who physically turns you on. That trade is necessary most of the time because you're simply that much smarter than most people.

All of this makes you quite an ironic mix of personality traits. You have a stoic, unbending exterior. You have a passionate, porn star interior. And then to top it all off, you have a massive, tender heart. When you do finally get into a relationship you love much more deeply than most people. Someone with all that you have to give truly deserves a partner with the same amount to give back. People at your level are few and far between, but the relationships created by bringing you and your match together are closer and more passionate than any other, so our system specializes in matching exactly your type.

You were built for romantic relationships and your relationships are more passionate and intense than those of other types. Your big picture skill for seeing the best way to clear out the logjam of the moment is based on the same trait that makes you disinclined toward mundane and routine tasks. In studies of high chemistry old married couples, the highest chemistry matches were those where your type was paired with someone who, among other things, balances you in that way. Your match is a detail person who takes care of the paperwork while you invent things and keep things light and fun.

You prefer work where you can see the completed results when you're done. Rather than focus on the same project for ten years before seeing results, you're the type that would like to refine your skills over time by repeatedly using them to produce visible results on a much faster basis. Your strong personality and high intelligence end up landing you in leadership positions more often than you'd prefer, simply because you know how to get things done and other people don't. We find most people of your type in criminal justice, art, teaching and freelance/entrepreneur-type work.
One thing that makes eChemistry different from other personality profiling sites is that we don't try to pigeonhole you. We want to know the actual reality of what it's like to be you. Here are the actual answers typed into our personality test by people who came out as having a very similar personality to you. There is no better teacher than experience, see if you can find your own pattern for what people who are a lot like you end up enjoying as careers.

You hate to be bored and love to be entertained. You want entertainment that stimulates you and makes you laugh.

In response...

2007-10-11T11:29:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this is in response to my sis-in-law Ticia's personality test results. I think it is fairly accurate, though they seem to have left out the interpersonal aspects of my life. What do you think?

Ever since you were a child you questioned those in authority, not explicitly trusting teachers or other leaders to really be qualified enough to deliver the instruction they were delivering. You were open to their thoughts, but quick to identify biases or knowledge gaps in those in authority positions.

In fact, skepticism is one of your defining traits. You don’t trust titular authority, appearances, beliefs, traditions, customs, reputation, degrees, or credentials awarded by any agency or school. This is not conspiracy thinking or suspicion of bad intent, but an honest impersonal belief that no one holds anyone or anything to the high, accurate, objective standard that you do. You will be the judge of someone’s competence and no prior ratings by anyone else will sway your impartial evaluation.

You define time by the event, rather than the opposite. You are certainly capable of making and keeping appointments by clock time (although you’re often a few minutes late) but in your mind you are living in a time interval based on a concept, activity or stage which you can clearly define. For you, a time period ends when a certain activity ceases, when a goal is reached, or when your attention naturally shifts rather than when a certain clock alignment occurs.

You see connections between concepts that others do not, and must sometimes stop to check in with your audience to see if you’ve made intuitive leaps that left them far behind. This talent for connecting what, to others, seem like totally unrelated ideas gives you a flair for invention. When you see a problem, you naturally apply technique or theory from an entirely different system and are the most likely type to make a conceptual, inventive breakthrough. People still tour the home of one of the most famous of your type, Thomas Jefferson, to marvel at all the contraptions (automatic double doors, mechanized copies of handwritten letters, revolving bookstand, etc) which he created nearly 200 years ago.

You quickly brush aside prejudice, convention, custom and tradition for what works and produces results.

You are particularly concerned with the proper definition and usage of individual words. For example, you are likely to notice the error if someone describes something as “very unique.” If something is “unique” then it is incomparable to anything else. It can therefore not be qualified with the word “very,” because that word is necessarily used for comparison. You economize with language, using the fewest words, each highly defined, to get a point across assuming that others will feel bored or insulted if you over-explain something.

You are prone to understatement. You will always err on the side of saying slightly too little, estimating slightly more problems or more cost in terms of time or money, slightly less exciting or beneficial results. This is done completely logically and you could go into more specific estimations if you thought the receiver would take such predictions logically, realistically and unemotionally.

Your special talent is understanding and optimizing complex systems. You can quickly explain how you personally fit into macro and micro social and economic machinery.

You are objective and when your friends come to you they know they can count on you to deliver the blunt truth. You recover quickly, if flinching at all, when someone puts you down or criticizes you personally. You realize that either the critique was deserved and you intend to correct it, or the person delivering it was incorrectly biased or misinformed and therefore the criticism was inaccurate and inapplicable. When you criticize yourself it is usually merciless and totally out of proportion to the issue needing correction.

You are known for your impatience with ignorance, incompetence, small talk, fake people, or too much time given to a small matter. You bring total involvement and attention to each moment in life.

As a parent you encourage individuality in your child. You particularly enjoy debating topics with your child. You encourage your children to be original, think actively, and take action on their own.

You face each activity with self-improvement in mind. While others think of games, work, even social events as a mere passage of time, you engage each activity as an opportunity to further develop your mastery of the skills involved. For you, even relaxation is done with a sense of duty to optimize the rejuvenating effects.

Plato said that the function of your type is to study nature and figure out ways to tame it. You are an intellectual and enjoy logical investigation and theory building. You are honored when someone asks you to explain the rationale behind your latest project, but often find the audience uninterested in nearly the level of detail with which you are capable of discussing.

You respect yourself to the degree that you act independent of the impositions of other people. You would never just “go with the flow.” Your mind is always in motion and every action you take is by conscious choice.

Your type becomes most obvious in traumatic, stressful situations. While the rest of the world goes insane, you are the one who remains calm and collected, mainly because you realize that this is the best mindset for understanding and resolving whatever issues are at hand.

You are a true utilitarian. Your hallmark is your nearly empty refrigerator, containing exactly enough food for your next food interval and nothing more.

You have a wide variety of hobbies which get sporadic attention. Others may become frustrated with the fact that you start many projects but finish few.

You always scored well on standardized tests, partially because they are most often created by people who are a lot like you.

Animal I have become...

2007-10-10T09:02:00.000-05:00

Goodbye...

2007-10-09T14:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I said Goodbye. I wonder how long it will last. I am weak. And I love. I just want to know that he is happy. And then maybe I can rest. And then maybe I can breathe again. And then maybe I will quit dying this slow painful death. And then maybe I can start to live again. But maybe not. Maybe not. Ever. That's all, Goodbye.

Where i am in my head...

2007-10-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

I Don't Love You

My Chemical Romance Lyrics
I Don't Love You Lyrics

Sleep

My Chemical Romance Lyrics
Sleep Lyrics

Well...

2007-10-09T08:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I took the night off of work last night. I did it because i didn't feel well. I haven't felt "well" in days. My head hurts. Actually my brain hurts, from thinking too much and too long about problems that have no solutions. My eyes hurt, from crying too many useless tears. My heart hurts, for all the pain I have caused to all the people I love so much. I slept alot last night. The constant sleepiness of depression is starting to beat out the constant sleeplessness of stress. You would think that would be a good thing. Sleep. But I feel more tired now than I have in months. My brain does not seem to be working properly. My head is spinning. My heart is breaking. I am broken. I can not be fixed. I do not care anymore. That's all, bye.

If it is true that I think therefore I am, if I quit thinking, am I not?...

2007-10-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am an emotional train wreck just waiting to happen. It seems everyone who loves me ends up as fucked up as me in the end. I don't know what it is about me that takes perfectly ordinary lives, and turns everything into a complete disarray. I have made a mess of my own life. And now apparently I have made a complete mess of the hubby's and The Honey's lives as well. To be honest though, they both need to be able to admit their own fault in all of this. I did none of this alone. I did it all hand in hand with each of them. But it seems that the simple act of loving me, is a sure way to bring about your downfall. By loving me they opened themselves up to the strange and often sad consequences of it all. I am cursed. I am doomed to be unhappy despite any and all efforts to the contrary. All the men I have truly loved in my life turn out to be exactly the same in the end. Less than what I need. All the men in my life that have truly loved me (There are more of them than those that I have loved in return.) end up exactly the same in the end. Miserable with me, miserable without me. I am less than what they need. I am less than what they deserved. I am less than what they thought I was. I am less. What I keep looking for is someone who will pick up all the pieces of me, and make me complete again. I thought I had found it. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I got to be whole. I guess the problem with that kind of thinking is that there seems to be something missing all the time. One piece of the puzzle that can never be found again. I think maybe the dog ate it when it fell to the floor, a long time ago, and so the men who profess to love me just keep looking for it in vain. I have decided to just give up. I have decided that I need to just keep my love hidden, and never share it. When I do, the consequences are too much to bear. The pain becomes too great. It is not worth the risk. I do not set out to hurt anyone, but that seems as though it is the only possible outcome of my love. I destroy. I tear apart hearts, and lives. I leave people bleeding in the streets. I end up there as well. I can't take this kind of pain anymore. I do not have the strength. I am weak. I am helpless. I need to be saved from myself. I do not want to hurt anymore. I do not want to bleed love and pain all mixed up like some sick sweet cocktail for the amusement of others. I want to end it. To release myself from this agony I feel all the time. I want to disappear from the world as though I never existed at all. I am not worth saving. I am not worth loving. And in the end, ultimately, I am not worth anything at all, to anyone. I am hopeless, and helpless, and faithless, and scared, and scarred, and trying so hard, and never getting anywhere, and ready to just say fuck it all, and I do not want to be. I just do not want to BE. If it is true that I think therefore I am, if I quit thinking, am I not? Wow, insanity rears it's ugly head at the most inopportune times doesn't it? That's all, Bye.

To be loved enough...

2007-10-06T23:07:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I know many of you are wondering what exactly has happened. I think most of you can guess. I am staying at home right now, or at Toni's, if the mood strikes me. The hubby and I have been talking. He says he loves me still, despite what has happened. The Honey says he loves me still, despite what has happened. I am not sure where I am. The truly sad part of all of this, is that I really do believe that both of these men love me. I feel it in my soul. But. And this is a huge but...neither of them loves me enough. See, that really is what is most important isn't it? To be loved enough. To be loved enough to be first. And I am not. I do not think I ever will be. I have a lot of thinking to do over the next little while. A lot of thinking about what I really want. What I really need. And how I can get what I want and need. I need to decide what it is I am going to do. Decide how I want the rest of my life to go. Decide if I continue settling for less than everything I want, or do I strike out on my own, all alone in this world, and start again. New. Fresh. And hope that someday, someone who really means it says that they love me. Someone who is willing to give me everything of him. I know it is not likely. But, one can dream, can't one? That's all, I will keep you posted. Goodnight.

The many phases of me...

2007-10-06T22:53:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I got my picture done for my ID at my new facility. I kept my old ID just so I could look at the two pictures and remind myself how far I have come, and where I am ultimately going. I could just post the picture from my ID and be done with it, but really, what everybody sees when they see me is not what I see when I look at myself. So, I played with my photo editor a bit, and I came up with some pictures that show my feelings, instead of my face. Here goes it...

That's all, Goodnight.

No greater wrath...

2007-10-05T12:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know now who it was that started all this shit. Her name is *. Her phone number is *. Her email address is (Note* I have since calmed down a bit, and thought twice about what I did. I do not generally fly off the handle like that, and I will not repost her personal information. My hurt and anger will not make it an okay thing to do, and I regret that I reacted in a manner other than my true nature.*) And this is the letter I sent to her.

Sue,
Funny how you seem to think you know all the answers. You sit here and put me down for having my little online fling (Note* I will concede at this point, that it is much more than just a "little online fling". I fell in love with someone else. That is no small thing, for me to fall in love. It is not something I take lightly. Those are not words I just throw around like most people. I did not intend it to happen. He became my very best friend in the world, and the love grew from there.), yet you know nothing of the real story. You obviously did not read my entire blog. If you had, you would have been able to see the progression of all this for what it was. A very lonely and desperate woman who has been living in an awful marriage for far to long, fighting to make things right and always getting nothing for all the effort. Has Jimmy bothered to tell you about all of his affairs? How about the alcoholism? Or the beatings I have suffered at his hands? Has he told you about those? Has he told you that we don't talk anymore? That we almost never have sex? That he tells me I am fat? That I am worthless? That no one else in the world would want (to use his words) "A big fat nasty rolly polly pig bitch like you"? Has he told you how he takes HIS money and runs off for three or four days at a time leaving me to figure out how to pay the bills and feed the kids on my income alone? Has he told you that he gets drunk and cuts himself, and wipes his blood on me after choking me? Has he told you that he cashed in the money order I got to pay the gas bill, and now with winter just around the corner they have shut off my gas, so that I have no heat for my girls? Did he tell you that he put us back in debt after I busted my ass working to get us out, just so that he could own another hundred models that he doesn't even build? Has he told you that for the last fifteen years he has used porn to masturbate after refusing me for sex? Has he told you how he has ignored every single Christmas and birthday and anniversary we have ever shared? Has he told you about getting drunk and coming home on Christmas eve and tearing apart the tree in front of my children? Has he told you how he yells at me? Berates me? Belittles me for his amusement? Has he told you that he told me to have cyber sex with Tommy..that I would be doing it for "The Corps"? Has he told you that he told me to call Tommy so that I would maybe leave him alone, and quit asking him to talk to me? Has he told you that he talked to Tommy on the phone, and told him that it was fine? Has he told you that he did hit me in front of my children, and then called one of Tommy's children and told her that her father was cheating on her mother? No, I do not guess he did. I am guessing that had you bothered to really read my blog, maybe you would have thought twice about sticking your nose in where it didn't belong. But maybe if my husband wasn't sneaking around talking to you...oh yes, he has been very quiet about you Sue...then maybe all of this would have just happened at the pace it was supposed to, and I could have left without all the bruises. So Thank You Sue. Thank You for the beating. Thank You from my children for being awakened at 3 am to their mother getting beat on by their father. Thank You from Tommy, who now has to convince his children that he still loves them. Thank You for your concern for the welfare of people whose lives you really had no clue about, but felt compelled to interfere with, you self serving cunt. You like my husband so much? Take him, he is yours. I don't want him anymore. May you have better luck with him than I ever had. But let me just say this...If you ever interfere with MY life again, I will find you, and I will beat you oh so much worse than Jimmy has ever beaten me, and I will give you just a small taste of the hell I have lived for 15 years you stupid bitch!!!

Quite honestly it is a good thing she is not just across town. For the pain she has caused my children, and Tommy's children, I think I would literally beat her to death if I got my hands on her. Jimmy and I are adults. Tommy and his wife as well. We are all capable of dealing with the bullshit we cause. But I love my kids more than my life, and I love Tommy's kids because they are a part of him. And i will fight to the death to protect them all! So anyone who hurts them, any of them, has to deal with me. Don't ever fuck with me again Sue. You will not like the consequences. That's all, Goodbye.

(NOTE*** After calming down and breathing again (inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale), I realize how childishly and ridiculously I responded to this woman who didn't know any better. I was just furious because someone who had the whole story at her fingertips for the taking, did not take the time to take the whole story into consideration before stirring up so much shit for all the people I love most in this world. I now regret my behaviour, not because of her, but because that is not my normal behaviour. That's all, Bye.)

Needing your help...

2007-10-05T11:11:00.000-05:00

Okay, so do any of you know how to trace someone using only an IP address? I have a personal thank you I would just love to deliver, and the IP address is all I have to go on. I know some of you who read this are much better with your computers than I am, having very few hacker type skills left available to me. If you think you can help me, shoot me off an email to some11wife@hotmail.com I would just simply love talking to you. Thanks in advance for any assistance you may be able to offer. That's all, Bye.

Karma is a bitch...

2007-10-05T09:44:00.000-05:00

Okay, so if you ever read the comments that are left on my blog, you know that the hubby read my page, and freaked out. Thing is, he says that he didn't know. That is simply not true. He has known since day one, regardless of what he now wants everyone to believe, including himself. In fact, he offered me up for what happened. He is the one who first told me to call The Honey. In fact, he spoke to him a number of times himself. All the time telling him that he was fine with the two of us talking as much as we wanted to. To quote him, "Go talk to your boyfriend. Maybe then I will get some peace." I guess you should be careful what you wish for. You just may get it. But for those of you who think I have been hiding my actions, you are much mistaken. I have never cleared The Honey's number from my caller ID. I have answered the phone to him, and sat right in my living room talking with him. I have sat in my bed on the phone, with the hubby laying reading a book next to me. The Honey has called and the hubby has answered. The Honey does not just hang up, he simply asked to speak to me. The hubby handed me the phone. So, regardless of what he now wants to admit to knowing, the truth of the matter is that I did not sneak around. I was open with my actions and my feelings. The hubby says that he did not know the extent of things. He said that he believed The Honey and I to be merely friends. I guess, when you do all the math, friends is really what it all adds up to. The Honey has become my best friend. Because despite what I (or he) may feel, all we have ever done is talk. The hubby called The Honey's house. I didn't think he would ever do something quite so cruel. He didn't even wait to just talk to The Honey's wife. He spoke to one of The Honey's children. Who does something like that? That is just plain out and out disgusting to me. I do not know what happens next. The Honey says he is not angry with me, but he is now dealing with more shit because of me than he should ever have to deal with. The hubby says that he still loves me, and wants to work things out. I do not know what will happen. Only time will tell. Only time, and the hearts of all involved. I know where my heart belongs. But I can not read into the minds of others. I can not see into their hearts and so I do not know the eventual outcome of all that has taken place. But when I know dear faithful readers, so shall you. That's all, Bye.

P.S. As a personal aside to whomever it was that told the hubby that he needed to read my blog, I want to thank you. Thank you for destroying the semi-calm that I had managed to somehow gather around myself for a little while. Thank you for hurting both my own and The Honey's children. If I ever figure out who it was that sparked off all this bullshit by pushing the hubby to confront what he had been purposefully ignoring, I will find a way to repay you for your oh so generous nature. Karma is a bitch, but I am more of one. That's all, Bye.

Tired and content...

2007-10-03T03:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I still do not know what my job will be at my new plant. Tonight, I am tired and content. (Two hours on the phone with The Honey always makes me feel that way.) That's all, Goodnight.

Four and 0...

2007-10-01T21:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I just got home from orientation at my new facility. The atmosphere there is so much different than at the facility I just left. First, they are much more strict with the rules. (So much for gum chewing and MP3 player listening while on the job, damn it.) Second, this new facility is much larger and simply crowded with people. I am not sure how well this is going to work for me. It also seems as though I am the only blonde in the entire plant. (Granted, my blonde comes from a bottle. Yet, I seem to be the only female there that could have possibly been born a blonde! I was actually, the brown didn't develop until I was about nine.) Also, there are alot more men than women at this new building it seems. I actually was a bit uncomfortable at first. Everyone seemed to be staring at me as we took our tour through the plant. I got lots of winks and smiles. That shit needs to come to a quick halt. I am all for being friendly, but I am there to do a job just like they are, and I will not tolerate any bullshit from any of these men. Besides, to be honest, I just do not get it. Is it the blonde hair? The green eyes? What is it that they see that makes men behave badly when I am around? You know, when I look in the mirror, I see a very average, still overweight, getting older woman. What would make men turn to take a second look, let alone wink? I suppose I should be flattered, but really it made me a bit uncomfortable. I was glad that I was with a group of friends. The lead I had in my last plant warned me Friday night, that I needed to be careful at this new plant. He said that he has many cousins that work there, and that they will all be trying to talk to me all the time. He said that they will like me alot. That they will try to pursue me mercilessly. I guess I will have to start off in bitch mode, and curtail the shit before it gets a chance to start. I do not know yet what my job will be. I hope I am with at least one of our group from the other plant. I am seriously considering applying for the maintenance job they have available. The orientation trainer said that I do not need to have any experience, they will train me. He also said that I have a good shot at it, because I am female, and they try to get women in to non-traditional roles. The pay is pretty decent for this area. Sixteen seventy five an hour once I have completed the training. I will talk to him about it more tomorrow. After all, I have a leg up on most other women who may apply, as I have at least a cursory knowledge of tools, and I have been known to tear apart broken appliances and fix them, as well as doing some very basic automobile repairs. So, we will see. Tonight is going to be lonely for me. The Honey is at home, and so there will be no late night three and a half hour phone call tonight. Though I do want him to know that I am thinking about him right now. And now. And now. I think I need to go and take a hot bath, just to take the edge off. I am tired tonight. But not sleepy. I just have to say yeah for the Cowboys four and 0. (Just for you Honey!) And I have to say HA! I was right, and you were wrong... Check this out... (From Kansas City Chiefs website roster section...)

Status: Reserve - non-football injury
# Name Pos Ht Wt Born Exp College Hometown Acquired
31 Holmes, Priest RB 5-9 213 10/07/73 11 Texas San Antonio, TX UFA (BAL)-01

I told you so!

Anyway, wish me luck at my new job, and I will let you know tomorrow what I will be doing. That's all, Goodnight.

I never wanted to hate him...

2007-10-01T11:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I didn't want to end up hating him. But that is what it is coming to. I was gone all day yesterday, and well into the new morning. I went to Toni's to get away during the day, and do the laundry all night. I got home at around four this morning. He was still awake. Or rather, he woke up as soon as I walked in the door. I came to the computer to check my email, but I wasn't a;;owed to do so for quite some time as he stood behind me watching over my shoulder for more than a half an hour. Finally, I was allowed my privacy. I read my email, caught up on the blogs I read faithfully, and went to bed. I went to bed around six. He was sitting up, watching a movie, and working on one of the hundreds of models he owns. (Tanks, planes, what ever the current obsession is.) He only had one hour until it was time to wake Corey for school. He said he would. He said i would be able to sleep. I didn't bother to turn on the alarm. I crawled into bed, and I slept. ( I do not know why I was so extremely tired last night.) When I woke up this morning, he and Corey were laying on the couch watching "Dawn of the Dead". She missed school again, all because I did not stay up, or get up. I had to call the school. I have to be sure that I set my alarm regardless of what he says he will do. I have to make sure that I get the hell away from him as soon as fucking possible. I just can not do this shit anymore. And every day that I live with him, the hate in me grows stronger, and pushes out the tiny bit of love I still hold for him because he is the father of my children. I am not sure how many more times he can let me down before there is nothing left but hate. I never wanted to hate him. But I do. That's all, Bye.