Life's a dance you learn as you go....

Okay, so I used a line from a song as the title of this post. Big deal. It is just so fitting to all the life lessons I have been learning this past few weeks. I am sitting here tonight, in the gazebo of the hotel in Texas, thinking. What I should be doing is finishing my packing, washing my stinky, sweaty ass and steeling myself for a twelve hour long bus ride home. ( I also need to figure out how to steal one of the hotel pillows without them noticing as I need one to sleep in the bus, and didn't bring one with me.) Instead I am sitting here waiting for Heath to get off work and come pick up Melanie's cooler which she left here last night, and blogging. Typical procrastination technique that I am so good at, wait until the last minute to do everything that needs doing and blame it on someone else being late. I have been sitting here reading my emails, and drinking Bacardi silver raz (yummy by the way), and thinking back on all the things I have learned about myself lately. (And about other people as well.)

1.) Drinking foo-foo drinks gives me nasty hangovers. (stick with jack and coke, buzz with no regrets.)

2.) I am stupid.

3.) Eight people can polish off three cases of beer and a case of foo-foo drinks in less than five hours, but the effects are much more lasting.

4.) Girls in Texas pound back beer faster than most men I know.

5.) I am a hopeless romantic, and that sucks, and hurts, and still I can't seem to change that about myself.

6.) Don't judge a book by the synopsis on the back cover. People are often much more,or much less than what they appear to be at first glance.

7.) I have the innate ability to make friends quickly, and somehow always seem to find that one person in a whole group of people that is a friendship fit with me.

8.) If you are a hard worker, people will bend rules to keep you happy.

9.) Texas grows on you.

10.) I need to learn to better defend my heart against inevitable pain.

11.) If I want something bad enough, I am sure to never get it.

12.) The Texas branch of my company will waive the 45 day wait that you usually have to have in order to leave one plant and apply at another. (In fact, their general manager will put me to work today if I choose to stay.)

13.) The Iowa management doesn't want me to move to Texas.

14.) I want to go back to school. (maybe some online classes to start with?)

15.) When talking on the phone with a friend in Indiana at four in the morning, don't call her crazy when she says she just felt an earthquake. (she really did)

16.) Don't loan someone your cell phone at three am, they just may accidentally speed dial your friend in Indiana.

17.) I want to join a gym.

18.) If you may possibly want to steal a pillow from your hotel, take it from someone else's room.

19.) You can find sushi in Texas.

20.) I hate the Golden Corral.

21.) I am going to up-bid for a better paying position when I get back to Iowa. (The responsibility won't kill me!)

22.) At least one of the Upper-middle management at my facility thinks I would make a great lead-person. (As a stepping stone to supervisor.)

23.) No matter how many people love you, it is still possible to feel very lonely most of the time.

24.) I want to be held when I sleep, and not having that is part of my insomnia problem.

25.) Texas shaped waffles rock!

26.) I wear an invisible sign somewhere that only men can see that seems to say..."only good enough to be a piece on the side."

27.) That will never be enough for me.

28.) I deserve better.

29.) I need more.

30.) I want to be loved without reservation, or hesitation and without end.

31.) If I don't go pack I will be stuck in Texas.

That's all, goodnight.

I am not afraid of messing with Texas....

Okay, so I am sitting in the little the gazebo at the hotel in Texas. It is currently 0644 in the a.m. and I am finally starting to feel a little tired. That is a good thing since the insomnia has started up again with a vengeance. My roommate is a very light sleeper so I have been spending my nights wandering aimlessly or hanging out in the lobby. Tonight I stumbled upon the fitness center and in an attempt to wear myself into exhaustion and hopefully sleep, I spent two hours just working out. I really need to join a gym. It has been ages since I have done any real exercise, and it felt great. I spent 20 minutes with the weight machine thingy, then 40 minutes on the treadmill and an hour on the life cycle. It is funny, after all that exercise I ran the fitness test on the life cycle and it says I am at "above average" fitness. I can maintain a good speed for the duration and my heart rate never seems to get out of target range. I am actually right in the dead center of target. So I guess that is good for a woman who by government health guidelines is about 50 pounds overweight, is closing rapidly in on her 37th birthday, smokes two packs a day, and never gets any real exercise. Maybe if I join a gym I can finally fall into the governments ideal weight class for my height. (Though personally I think if is get that small I will look like I need a cheeseburger!) The work trip has gone well, for the most part. I have become quite close to many of my co-workers. We have had a blast getting to know each other outside of work. I have picked up a few new Spanish words, and some of the bigots in Texas are beginning to wonder if I am not a Hispanic disguised as a white girl. I swear if one more person here says to me (and I quote) "It is nice to know someone from Iowa TALKS English.", I may just end up in jail! I finally responded to some of them stating that "Why yes, I do SPEAK English. So do my teammates. When you learn to speak English as well as they do, you might try speaking with them." I don't think the people in this plant are too pleased with me. I will say that not everyone has been rude like that I have met some wonderful people here. I will be staying on with a small group that will not be returning on Friday as was planned, but we will stay to work the weekend and return to Iowa on Monday. I have become quite comfortable with the machine I will be operating when we get back to our plant. I have also learned that I am in for two back to back raises. One for going up a grade by becoming an M-tek operator (that is the machine I will be running.), and one for being with the company for one year. Yeah for me! I am finally starting to feel a bit sleepy, so I think I will just share a few photos from my trip, and head to bed. UPDATE!!!! I was attempting to upload some pictures of my trip but every time I hit the finish button Internet explorer shuts down. I give up for now, will try again when I am wired in to the net instead of on the stupid hotel wi-fi system. That's all, goodnight! (Okay it is 0732, but it is time for me to attempt sleep so....)

new video blog parts one, two and three.....

videoblog1
bloggingpart2
videoblog3
That's all (for now), Bye.

A quick update...

Okay, so I know I have been gone for a long time this time, but things have been kind of crazy lately. I am still staying at Toni's and I am still working, though not nearly enough. My company is doing a refit of all the machines in our plant and so I have been cut back to four days a week, about five hours a day. Unfortunately that means the paychecks have been rather less than what I have become accustomed to. Things are still very bad between the hubby and myself. I do not anticipate a return to my marriage. I have come to the realization that I just can't do that to myself again. Every day for years, I was dying a little more, and I have decided that I need to be away from him and regain myself. He has the children which is difficult for all of us. But for right now is what is best for the kids. He says that he wants us to have joint custody, but he wants to be the custodial parent. I am not sure how I feel about that. I have been doing a lot of soul searching as of late, and I will let you know what I decide, when I decide it. I did have some good in my life recently. I went on a vacation and spent a week with my best friend in the world. I was very happy for that short period of time. Happier than I have been in years. But leaving was difficult. And I miss my best friend terribly. I hope to be able to visit again soon. For now things are back to the same old, same old. I will be taking a trip to Texas on the 11th of this month. My company is sending me to get some training on some new equipment we will be working with when the refit is done. I was hoping that the trip would be somewhat of a vacation, but it appears that that will not be the case. I will be working second shift down there as well, and will put in a seven day work week. That will do my bank account some good, but leaves little time for recreation. I think I may, however, buy myself my first bathing suit in more than ten years, and lay next to the pool during my sleeping hours. I am in serious need of a tan! The Honey is doing well, except that he is sick and working too much as per usual. I guess that is all for now, I will post again when I have the chance, but as my computer still lives at my home, and I do not, I do not know when that will be. I miss you all, and hope to hear from you soon. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. Mary, you have my email addy.... use it!

The Fergie fiasco, and new shoes...

Okay, so my beautiful dog Fergie has landed herself in doggie Dachau! That's right, she is in the pound. They are keeping her jailed for the next ten days! Ten days! I could go commit a convenience store robbery and be out in less time. See she made a bid for freedom this afternoon. But that is not why she is in doggie jail. She ran wildly allover the neighborhood. Romping with the kids chasing her, scaring all the other animals whose paths she crossed. She was having fun. She let the kids chase her for awhile, then she turned and chased them for awhile. The game continued thusly until a helpful neighbor decided she could be of assistance. She went into her house and came back out with a treat for Fergie. A rawhide chew stick. Fergie's favorites. Of course Fergie eats them completely in a matter of less than a minute, so it is not something she gets often. The woman held out the treat to Fergie hoping to help the kids catch her. Fergie took the treat, but scraped the woman's pinkie finger in the process. Her husband freaked out. He showed up at my house demanding to see shot records. He called the police. He called the pound. They came and took my sweet Fergie. The woman from the animal shelter was shocked when she met Fergie. She expected some vicious beast. Instead she was met by a 95 pound lap dog who wanted to lick her face and who was shaking all over with excitement at all the attention she was getting. She spoke with the woman who got "bit". I will say she was honest. She admitted that Fergie did not intend to hurt her, and that she was fine. Her husband was drunk and belligerent, but since Fergie broke skin she had to be taken. On the downside, it will cost around one hundred and fifty bucks to spring her from doggie jail. But, on the upside, since she was actively being pursued we are not getting a dog at large ticket and the fine will cover this year's license fees and micro chipping. Her rabies vaccines are all current, so it is just a matter of waiting the ten days for her to come home. The kids have learned a valuable lesson about being careful when coming and going from the house, and the shelter is within walking distance so they can go and see her everyday if they want to. All in all, it could have been a whole lot worse. The worst part of it all was hearing my children sobbing as they took Fergie away. For that I will find a way to get even with the drunk bastard who did this! But, that will wait ... for awhile.

After the whole Fergie fiasco, I took my son Jamie to get some new shoes. I seem to have to get him new ones every other month these days. I think puberty is officially hitting him. His voice is starting to crack a bit when he speaks. He has shot up over the past few months and is now taller than I am by a few inches. He is sprouting underarm hair ( I will not ask about other places, there are some things a mom doesn't need to know), and today the shoes we bought were a men's size twelve. Twelve! When did that happen? I swear it seems like just last week that I was holding him in my arms nursing him. His big brown eyes looking up at me like I was the sun, the moon and all the stars rolled up together. Actually, as much as we fight these days, he still looks at me like that sometimes. He is a great kid all in all. And funny! He makes me giggle with his silliness. We had fun shopping together, though he did get a bit irritated when i made him help me find the "boyshort" panties I wanted! (hahahahaha) I sometimes wish he would stay my little boy, but it is also fun watching him grow into a man. That's all, goodnight.

A little bout of crazy...

Okay, so I had a crazy day. Not crazy like strange things happened. I was crazy today. I woke up feeling as though I wanted to cry. I have no idea why. I hid it well I think. For the most part. When I got to work, Lina (Catalina) said that I looked "too happy." She just smiled and did her little heart throb sign at me. I smiled and walked away. How could I explain to someone who speaks so little English that I was faking it. That what I wanted to do was scream, and sob, and I didn't know why? I cheated and listened to my MP3 player all night while I was working. My bosses know I do it sometimes. They don't care. I just have to be careful with the QA lady that doesn't like me. She takes it personally that I break all the rules. It is nothing personal. It is just my nature. Hell, the big boss just rolls his eyes and pretends not to notice when he catches me at it. Maybe it is because my rule breaking does not hurt anyone. It does not effect my job performance, except to maybe help me make it through another cold boring night. So anyway, I listened to music, and sang loudly and badly all night. And managed to hold back the tears until I was standing in the cold waiting for Toni to come pick me up and bring me back here. That was when the Dam broke. I just stood there, tears running down my face, not knowing why, and trying to keep everyone from noticing. When I got in the car, the sobs came. I went to Toni's for awhile and cried til the tears wouldn't come anymore. I feel better now. I still don't know why I needed the tears today. But whatever it was, is gone for now. So today is a good day. That's all, goodnight.

Work, kids, sinuses! I need a vacation!

Okay, so I have been working A LOT! It seems that is all I am doing these days. At least six or seven days a week, and a little bit of overtime almost every day. Things are not getting any better around here. The hubby still does NOTHING to make things easier on me. I am expected to work until one in the morning, and then get up at six to get the kids off to school. Sometimes I can, sometimes I sleep right through my alarm clock and my phone alarm going off. Hell, lately I have even slept right through The Honey calling. I got a letter from the school about my son's absences and tardies. They have threatened me with the county attornies office and the truancy officer. I wonder how many of those people exist on 3 hours of sleep a day on average? When I was living at Toni's I was able to get more sleep. I still had to be the one to get the kids up for school each day, either by calling and waking them up, or getting up off the couch and driving over here and wake them up myself, but I was sleeping longer, and the sleep I got was much more restful. Since I have been back home, I am suffering from insomnia again, and the sleep that I do manage seems to leave me wanting. My brain is starting to rebel. My thoughts are starting to get fuzzy around the edges, and I am starting to have nightmares during my short bursts of sleep. I slept quite a bit last night. The kids did not have school this morning due to the extreme cold front that came through this area last night. So I took a double dose of nyquil and passed right out after I got home from work at one thirty in the morning. You would think I would have felt better after that. HA! I woke up with a sore throat and my head so stopped up I sounded like Fran Dresher. I took something for my sinuses this morning. What a mistake. My nose is so sore from wiping and blowing that I am considering an ice pack for it. (Insert sad, whiney face here) (With a bright red Rudolph nose.) I am about to take some more nyquil. As soon as it starts to kick in I will crawl to the couch and collapse. The hubby has said he will just stay up all night to make sure the kids get off to school in the morning. If he doesn't, I will offer him up to the county attorney myself. That's all, Goodnight.