Why being a thirty-somethingish woman really sucks (and what to do about it)...

Okay, so I was talking to Ticia last night, and as is usual with the two of us, the conversation turned to our sex lives, or the lack thereof. "Why would we talk about such things?", you may be asking. Well, let me tell you why. The reason we talk about sex, is because we have both hit that magic time in our lives when sex is about all we can think about! I swear, I am horny all the time. I am sick, sicker than I have been in years, still horny. Stress (Oh my, do I have stress), still horny. A Dirty house, does nothing to diminish the constant desire for sex. Crying children? Okay, that kills the urge, but only very briefly. As soon as they stop crying? Horny again. The wind blows a little harder than usual, and my shirt brushes against my nipples? I am ready to go. At work, the production floor is like one huge vibrator, you walk on to the floor, and you can feel the humming of the powerful machines through your entire body. It gives me the shivers just thinking about what that does to me. The sound of a certain sexy voice, hearing the words Angel, or Baby, or Sweet Addiction? I know it makes no sense, but I swear I am melting at those words. I know some of you probably do not see the problem with this. I will explain. The problem is, that just as I have reached this point in my life, the point where I want sex ten times a day, every day, (night, afternoon, early morning, whatever, whenever, wherever) The men in the age group that I am most attracted to are losing interest in sex. Okay, not all of them, but the one that I have access to. (The hubby) So, I have decided that I have two options to fulfill my needs. I can...

A.) Start a cult in which women are allowed multiple husbands. Now hear me out. I am thinking that six ought to be the limit. And that the women in my new cult should pick their men based on their needs. For example, I would choose one man that I love with all my heart, someone who I want to spend forever with, talking and laughing, and loving. He would get the distinction of being number one husband. He would be allowed to help choose husbands numbers two through six. For husband number two, I am thinking I need someone who is handy around the house. So maybe I could marry a General Contractor. Someone who could fix any little thing that goes wrong, he would have to be knowledgeable in all aspects of home repair... electrical, plumbing, and carpentry skills would be a must. Husband number three would be chosen for his skills in automotive repair. This must include both engine and body work. For husband number three, I am thinking I need an anal retentive type. Someone who loves to clean. (We all know that I am a very "cluttery" type of person, and chances are that will never change.) I need someone who will be happy just following around behind me and cleaning up my messes. And the messes of my kids, and hubbys numbered one, two, four, five and six. Husband number four will have to be skilled in the culinary arts. I love to eat, and I want someone who will cook for me. Someone skilled in both plain fare (like liver and onions, and southern fried chicken), to some pretty lavish multi-course meals. ( I will want to entertain guests occasionally. After all, I will be the leader of this cult and will have to throw a few good parties once in awhile in order to solicit funding for my compound's security.) Hubby number five must be great at doing laundry. Maybe he will own his own dry cleaning business. I will have a LOT of laundry that needs doing with that many men around, and we all know that I can not stand folding clothes. Now, hubby number six , well he must be great with the kids. He must be patient, and kind, and nurturing. He must be able to get the little heathens to listen, and do their homework, and not do things like my sweet Kylie did last night! (She was screaming in my bedroom, and when I went to see what was wrong, I found her hanging upside down from my closet pole, too afraid to let herself drop down head first! After I got her down, she apparently decided that it would be fun to flush one of Bubba's (Jamie's) Hot Wheels down the toilet. Of course we did not figure this out until this morning when I woke up and the bathroom was flooded, and we had to take apart the toilet to get it out, prompting a rush to Menard's for a new wax ring and flange! I LOVE my kids!!!! I LOVE my kids!!! I LOVE my kids!!! Sorry, I just have to remind myself occasionally.) Now, see, I have chosen six men who will fulfill all of my non-sexual needs, but here is the trick...if you get six men together at any given time, day or night, one of them is bound to be wanting sex! See, so anytime I was wanting to get me a "lil' sometin' sometin'" I would only have to let my needs be known, and I am bound to get a willing participant! No more having to handle the situation on my own! I think this is a brilliant plan, one that I should put into action as soon as possible. (And don't look at me like that! Men have been doing shit like this forEVER! It is not like I am asking for some underage boy, I want real men! Is that so wrong?)

If that for some reason doesn't pan out, I am left with option...

B.) Option B is quite simple really. See, men go through their sexual peak from about the age of eighteen to Twenty-five. So I propose that I be allowed to find myself a young man in this age group, and keep him chained in my basement for the sole purpose of sexual gratification. See? Simple. (The hubby heard Ticia and I talking and laughing about all of this last night, and asked what we were giggling about so hard. I explained option B to him, and he has said that if I dig us a basement, I can put option B into action. I am currently checking on the prices for renting a backhoe!)

Now that I have figured out what my options are, I just have to figure out the logistics of making each one of them a viable plan. I am currently working on the details, and will let you know how each turns out. Until then, I guess i will just have to resort to doing things the old fashioned way, and hope that girl from the fuckerware party hurries with my order. And Ticia, I promised to show you a picture of what will be my new best friend, so just to prove I am not afraid (and because I know it will make you laugh your ass off)... here ya go....



That's all, Goodnight