Almost irresistible...

Okay, so I had to fight an almost irresistible urge tonight. All night at work tonight, I watched the little cutie with the not quite right hands. I watched him smile, and laugh, and listened to him say my name so soft when he said hello to me. I had the urge to kiss him. Of course I didn't do it. But GOD DAMN IT, I WANTED TO! But that is not the urge I am talking about. That is not the one I fought with so hard. See, I spent half of tonight crying. I am not sure why. I guess it was because of the monotony that is my job, the monotony that is my life. It was because of the fact that my son turned fourteen today, and I wasn't there to kiss him. It was because I am lonely ninety nine percent of the time, but I am always surrounded by people. It was because I am always laughing, and I always feel like crying. It was because I knew work would end, and I would have to come home, to a home I no longer feel completely comfortable in. It was because I work such odd hours that I never see my daughters, and when I do, the older of the two is constantly telling me how angry she is at me. It was because I am sad. It was because I feel like no one understands or cares what I want, what I need. It was because of the fact that I have been blessed with a man who really loves me, and what he is offering is just not enough for me. It was because the cutie's hands are not quite right. It was because I shaved my legs. It was because I just want to be held, and I do not want to be touched. It was because I am not deserving, and yet I deserve more. It was because of everything, and nothing. So, tonight when I clocked out, and put away my things, I fought the urge to scream. I just wanted to scream so loud that everyone would back away and just let me breathe. As I waited for Toni to come and get me, I fought the urge to just walk away. That is what i wanted to do so badly tonight that I almost couldn't fight it. I wanted to walk away, fast, before she got there. I wanted to walk until I couldn't take another step, and then just stick out my thumb and take the first ride I was offered to where ever it was they were going, and then do it all over again, until I was as far away from here as I could possibly get. I wanted to walk away and never look back. I wanted to take only the clothes on my back and just go. Escape. Be free. I wanted to leave all my responsibilities behind me. All the people who depend on me. I am so tired. So tired all of the time of being so much to so many. How is it that all these people seem to need me, but I am not allowed to need anyone. It isn't fair, and I do not want to do it anymore. I want to turn off the tears. I want to turn off the pain. I want to turn off. I want to run away. I want to never come back. I want to remember what is feels like to breathe without choking on tears. I want to remember what it feels like to feel good. What it feels like to be happy. What it feels like to be me. If I had had more than twelve dollars in my pocket and an almost maxed out credit card, I wouldn't have been able to fight off the urge. If I thought that at the end of my journey, there might be a soft place for me to fall, I would have gone anyway. But there is no soft place for me to land. There is no fairy tale happy ending in my story. And his hands, they just aren't quite right. That's all, goodnight.