Yesterday, I cried...

Yesterday, I cried. I didn't just cry. I sobbed. And I choked on my tears. And I let the tears roll into my hair, and soak my pillow. I cried for the little girl whose mother never loved her. I cried for the young girl who had her innocence stolen, over and over again. I cried for the young woman who gave up her dreams to become a mother. I cried for the woman who held her baby in her arms as she took her last breath. I cried for the almost middle aged woman who is trying to find happiness, and doesn't know where to look. I cried for me. I cried long. I cried hard. I cried for my lost babies. I cried for my lost friend. I cried for my lost soul. I cried. As I cried the hubby put his arms around me, and drifted off to sleep. And still I cried. And with each tear I gained a brick. And with those bricks I have started building a wall. A fortification. A barrier. One that will protect me. One that will save what is left of my soul. One that will keep people out of a place so raw and sore that one touch sends out waves of agony that take my breath away. A place so dark and cold. A place that is frightening, even to me. My tears have given me a new strength. A foundation on which to build. I will use my tears to fill the moat that will surround my wall. I will mortar the bricks together with pain, and anger, and wasted energy. My wall will be strong. Impenetrable. Impregnable. And that is where I will live. And that is where the real me, the weak me, the sad me, the scared me, the scarred me, the small child, the young girl, the young woman, the woman, the almost middle aged woman, will find peace. Happiness is an illusion, a dream. A dream I no longer care to chase. I will give only that of myself which is necessary for survival. The rest will stay hidden, and safe, and buried. Bricked up for all time, unless someone knows a secret. A secret way into my wall. And that my friends, is very unlikely. That's all. Goodnight.