The ramblings of a fevered brain...(Wow, I need some Tylenol.)

Okay, so I am having a pretty shitty night tonight. Work seemed to drag on forever, and we didn't get out of there until almost two in the morning. And someone decided to forgo our second break for the sake of getting the work done. No one asked me if this was okay, they just all did it. Why, you may ask. Well because none of those fuckers smoke, that's why. I am the only smoker in my entire department, and therefore no one thought about the fact that by midnight I am already jonesing for a smoke. Assholes! Also, the whole time I was at work, I had a headache. See The Honey told me today about a new "Friend" of his. For some reason this woman makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and my skin crawls just thinking about her. I really shouldn't let it get to me I know, I mean he told me about her, right? So it is not like he is hiding anything, and I know that he loves me, but it still turns my stomach just thinking about it. Or rather I should say it turns my heart, kind of like in a vice. Okay, enough of that, I need to just let it go. What right do I have to be jealous? But I am. Ugh. Sometimes even I do not like me. How do you people put up with me? How can you stand listening to me whine all the time? (Or rather read about my whining.) You know, it would be great if just once in awhile I could get on here and write something like "Today was amazing, and wonderful, and everything I could have asked for and more." LOL... yeah right, only if I was living someone else's life. I feel like my brain is going to explode soon if it doesn't learn how to shut off all the negative self-talk. Or my heart, which ever one is weakest. I am sick today, I have been for a week now, but today the fever hit. I am currently at 101.6 That isn't a temperature, that is an FM radio station. How do I let myself get this sick? I go for years without getting sick at all and then BAM! I get slammed. I refuse to let this stop me from going out tomorrow night though. If I can still get up and go to work in the morning, i will be out celebrating former Boss Lady's Birthday tomorrow night! We are going to a bar called The Glass Front. I do not know why it is called that. It is a dive that has cheap beer and a good DJ, and tomorrow night is their Halloween Party, but the place has no windows to speak of, so maybe it is a metaphor for something, if you figure it out, let me know will you? My mind can't seem to do more than just wonder about it for now. Actually this fever may be a good thing. With my head already spinning like this, it won't take much to get me drunk. Drunk is what I need to be. I need to learn to get over shit that is bothering me, unfortunately what will probably end up happening is I will get so drunk that I end up crying over shit I have no control over, and I will come home and pass out. Passing out will be good. You would think as sick as I am that I would be sleeping. HA! Again, you forgot this is my fucked up life I am living. The insomnia has actually gotten worse this week, and even though I am so tired I amseeing things that are not there, I still can not sleep for more then a few hours a night. I swear it is a good thing that I do not have to drive myself back and forth to work this week. As we were coming home tonight, Toni spotted a deer standing in the field near the road. She pointed it out and drove on. (A big Buck with a beautiful rack!) About a half a block later i told her to be careful of the deer along the side of the road up ahead. She slowed to a crawl, and my deer were nothing but wind and tall grasses and shadows. How's that for needing some real honest to goodness sleep? I am considering going back to spend the night at Todd's house again. That was the last night I got any really good sleep. See, I slept on the couch, but it wasn't just me on the couch. Now let me say this so that it is perfectly clear to all. NOTHING HAPPENED! NOT SO MUCH AS A PECK ON THE CHEEK! But, I did sleep well. When I fell asleep, I was sitting up at one end of the couch, and Russ was curled up at the other end. I do not know when or how, but at some point we ended up both stretched out cuddled together. My head on his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me. Apparently we slept like that all night, because we got teased about it the next day. Again I want to stress that NOTHING HAPPENED! I do not want one of you to go off all half cocked and turn it into something it wasn't. Russ and I are ONLY friends. that is all, that is all that ever will be. But I will say, it felt nice to be held. And I slept well. For the first time. In a long time. I just wish it had been in someone else's arms. I may be taking a trip soon. I may be going to a town called (***edited). I will be going with my friend Paula, to help her with some family matters she has to deal with. That will be a nice trip. I hope it all works out. I would love to go. I need to go. I want to go. And I will miss it when I am back home. That's all, Goodnight.