My rambling thoughts...

Okay, so I know I have been slacking lately, and haven't really been writing much worth reading. For that I apologise. However, the truth of the matter is that there just hasn't been a whole lot going on in my life lately. The days are starting to blur together again, and I feel that sadness starting to creep up on me from out of nowhere. I guess that really it is mostly due to the whole hubby, Honey drama that I have going on. It seems like every day, the hubby wants to pick a fight with me about it. And every day, The Honey and I get less and less time together. It is not his fault, we just work completely opposite schedules, and so finding the time to talk is getting more difficult. Poor thing, he tries so hard to get up in the middle of HIS night to chat with me for at least a few minutes. But I think he is starting to wear out. He doesn't sleep enough as it is, and the late night rendezvous are getting more difficult for him. (My job has been keeping me later and later these days.) I miss him, and I get lonely. He knows it, and I think that is hard for him too. He wants me to be happy, and so he tries... God love him, 'cause so do I. I hate making him feel bad. I just miss him is all. Maybe soon we will get to have a nice long chat together, and I will feel better. He always knows just what to say to make me laugh. (And when Disco Daddy comes out to play, I giggle until I almost wet myself.) The hubby on the other hand, is NOT trying to please me. He mopes around all day doing nothing, and then picks fights with me when I come home. He has started a new thing lately that is getting on my last nerve. He gropes me, incessantly. It is not a nice groping, and he does it in front of anyone who happens to be around. It wouldn't be so bad if he was gentle, but he isn't. He pinches my nipples hard, and slaps my ass 'til it hurts every time I walk into the room. I have asked him numerous times just to stop. Of course that leads to the inevitable fight that starts out something like....""I bet you wouldn't tell "Your Honey" to stop!" To which I respond..."He wouldn't hurt me like that! So you are probably right. In fact, you are always right. Now leave me alone!" Needless to say the fight only gets uglier by the minute. It usually end something like this..."Fine, why don't you just move to ... and be with "Your Honey"!" To which I respond... "I just may fucking do that!" At that point he stomps out of the room like a child who has been told they can not have any candy, and now is going to hold his breath until you cave in. I swear at times like that, I feel like my head is just going to explode. I admit, when he starts in on me, I push all the buttons. I have tried just ignoring him. Doesn't work. It is easier to fight it out, really piss him off, and then let him feel as though he is punishing me with the silent treatment. (Amen for the silent treatment.) The sad part is, that I still love him. I will always love him. I just am not "In Love" with him anymore, and once that dies there is just no bringing it back. I have tried. Trust me, I have tried. Sometimes I feel bad about what I feel for The Honey. I do, sometimes. But mostly I don't. See, the thing about it is, that I was not looking to fall in love with someone else. I was not looking for anything. And to be completely honest, if my marriage was not already broken beyond repair, there would not have been room in my heart to fall in love with someone else. Loving is not something that comes easily to me. It comes naturally, but not easily. I have truly loved only three men in my life. And to date, I have only ever made love to one of those three. Kind of sad, isn't it? There have been men...(numbers are NOT important!) but only three who have managed to really get into my heart. One of them started out a lover, became my friend, married me, and now can't stand me. One of them loved me, but was not available to do anything about it. I would not let him do anything about it. We stayed friends for a very long time, and I miss him, but I had to let him go when I got married to allow myself to give my whole heart to the hubby. The other one of course is The Honey...I do not know what will eventually happen or not happen as the case may be. But, right now, at this moment, he is my very best friend. I adore him. And he is my lover. Not physically, but emotionally, mentally. He makes love to me with his mind. With his heart. With out ever touching me, he caresses my soul. He "breathes in my essence" and lets me become a part of him, and shares himself with me. Like I said, I do not know what will or will not eventually happen, but I hope that no matter what, he will always be a part of my life. I need him, he completes my soul. That's all, Goodnight.