I miss you....

Okay, so I need the net at Toni's house. Fast! I miss all my blog buddies! That's all, Goodnight.

A beautiful mind (Kylie's of course...)

Okay, so i know I have not been posting much this last couple of weeks. I probably won't be posting much this next few either. As of last night, I no longer "live" here. Really not much has changed. I only spent one night in the last two weeks here anyway. I come home from work, do my online thing for awhile, and then head over to Toni's to sleep. That is how things will continue. At least for now. Other than that, not much has been going on. I went out a few times last week with Tiffany and Sicca (Fransisca, Sisca, Frenchie...that woman uses more names than I can keep up with.) We had a good time until Sicca's boyfriend decided to be an ass and come start an argument with her in the bar. Apparently it is just fine for him to go to a bar without her (which is what he had done before she called me to go out.) but it is not okay for her to do the same. After security escorted him out of the bar, he decided he would mess with her car so that when we went to leave, she would have to call him to come save us. Ha, joke is on him. Between myself and Tiffany's new boyfriend Scott, we figured out the problem. Scott kept insisting that he had done something to the fuel pump. I said he had unscrewed some spark plugs...(the thing was misfiring badly.) I was almost right. What he had done was to move all the spark plug wires around so that it would misfire. We could start it, but it won't stay running for long like that. So, once we got them back in the right order, her car ran like a champ. I hope she rethinks it before going back to him. I need to call her soon and see how she is. Today, I spent a few hours with my sweet Princess Poo Poo Nut (My daughter Kylie for the uninformed.) She and i had breakfast together, and then played awhile. She was singing up a storm for me. I pulled out the camera and of course she all of a sudden got shy, go figure. My Kylie

Add to My Profile | More Videos But we had a great time, and then laid down on the couch and took a nap together. I work on Saturday night, but I hope to have a "girls day" with Corrine, Kylie, and Toni on sunday. I wanted to do a slumber party girl's night, but working Saturday just doesn't leave me time available to do it. So Sunday we will order pizza, watch girlie movies, do each other's hair, make-up and nails, and just be silly together. I have missed them. I Love them so very much. That's all, Goodnight.

Waa, waa, waa, waa (That's how adults sound to Charlie Brown)...

Okay, so I started blogging a few nights ago, when the hubby decided to come and hover over my shoulder. UGH! I hate that! I closed it down, and can't seem to get back into the spirit of what I was writing. So...that is one that will remain a draft forever. I am in general in a much better mood than I was when I wrote the last blog that actually got posted. Why? Well, truth be told, because I have had a lot of talk time with The Honey. That man is the cure for what EVER ails me. I could use him right now, telling me some of his silly jokes. But, all in all, I am good today. I had a rough night at work. (And a late one!) It was rough because I care too much about doing my job RIGHT! What I do may be menial labour, but, I figure that I should take pride in doing my job to the best of my ability, regardless of how menial it may be. The labels kept printing incorrectly tonight. The packages kept sealing incorrectly. And the guy I work with was on my last fucking nerve. The meat was coming too quickly, and the boxes we needed to pack it into were not coming quickly enough. Finally, at one o'clock my lead said we were done. Never mind the fact that all the packages needed new labels because of the printing problems. Ignore the wrinkles in the shrink wrap. I actually argued with him. Told him that I would not pack the meat like that, because QA would be sure to come down on me for it. He just laughed and told me to pack and send it. I did, after telling him that I would not stamp any boxes with my number that I knew were wrong. (I am 317A by the way.) He told me he would take the blame, and to stamp the boxes. I laughed, and sent them without my seal. We can fight about it some more tomorrow. I am worn out. I wish I was sleepy, but sleep is eluding me again these days. I had gotten better about sleeping. I was up to about 6 hours a night for awhile. But this past two weeks or so, I have dropped back down to an average of three. The Honey told me something to think about when I am trying to sleep. It works, it helps me to fall asleep. (Thanks Baby!) But, problem is, I do not stay asleep. And I haven't had a dream that I can recall for some time. (That one I told you about is the last one I remember....I wish I could dream that again!) I don't sleep well in my bed at all. I wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. I sleep better on Toni's couch. (It could be the reason I am on Toni's couch in the first place, that is what actually helps me sleep.) Maybe I need to start working out after I get home from work. Right now, what I do, is sit my ass down at this computer, and vegetate for hours. I can't go to sleep, just on the off chance that I actually sleep well. I have to stay up until at least seven in the morning, in order to get the kids up for school. They have missed far too much school from me sleeping through my alarm, and the school is starting to get upset. So, I stay up, and sleep after I get them out the door. I have been killing my time in yahoo chat. It is boring most of the time, but occasionally I find someone interesting to talk with. And that is about all I can think of to write about tonight. So, I will end with a joke I heard today that I thought would make The Honey smile. If I don't say it now, I will forget it. (And I don't want a single comment about me being racist, because anyone who knows me knows that I am not!) Okay here it goes.....

Man 1: I am pissed off at Santa this year!
Man 2: Why?
Man 1: Because I asked for a black Hummer with a lot of chrome.
Man 2: You didn't get it, huh?
Man 1: Yep! That fucker sent me a crack whore with braces!
And that, my friends, made me giggle. That's all, Goodnight!

A lazy Sunday afternoon...

Okay, so I have been very sad this week. I had to do something to feel a little bit better before I go back to work tomorrow. I think they are beginning to suspect that I am crazy. I have been caught crying (apparently with no reason) a few times this past few days. My boss actually asked me if I wanted to speak with Pastor Manny. Somehow, I don't think this is something I can discuss with clergy. So I went to Toni's today. Her home is my haven. My safe place. My scream, laugh or cry, it is all okay kind of place to be. I cried. Then I gave myself a facial. I didn't feel any better. So I gave myself a manicure and a pedicure. I still don't feel better, but I have softer skin and pretty hands and feet. The space bar on my computer keeps sticking. I hit it and it does nothing. So that is making me weepy too. How silly is that? Eventually I will be okay again. Eventually I will be able to smile a real smile, and not just fake it when people are looking a little too closely. But for now, I will just give a cheesy grin and fake my way through. For now I will be content that I am loved despite it all. Later I will go in and soak for a long time in a hot bath, and close my eyes, and try to take myself to a happy place. Later, I will crawl into bed and put my arms around my little girl and hope sleep claims me. And hope that I dream. And hope that in my dream, I get to be where I want to be. That's all,Goodnight.

And simply because i was bored while killing time at the keyboard waiting for The Honey to come online tonight i took a picture of my nails, aren't they pretty? I need to go get acrylics though, because they are all different lengths because they break at work. ( I actually took a picture of my toes too, but I have ugly feet and i will not post that!)

Pain...

Okay, I know I have posted this song before, but it is how I have been feeling lately. So...

Sorry...

I wish I could take it back.

A kiss goodbye...

Okay, so I got up at six thirty this morning. By seven I was out the door and headed to Toni's to get ready for my day. (I practically live at Toni's, I do everything there but sleep, and even that sometimes.) It was very cold on the walk over. I think the news said seven degrees. I didn't catch what it was when you included the wind chill. I got to Toni's and for the first time in a long time, did not make coffee. I had no time. I jumped into the shower and scrubbed my hair and body quickly. (Toni has a tiny hot water heater!) As soon as I was done I got dressed and attempted to blow dry my hair. That is always a mistake. It ends up a frizzy mess. Oh well, today was NOT about me. I threw on a touch of make-up to try and hide the dark circles under my eyes, and it was time to go. We had to be in Omaha at nine. Deb picked me up. Alicia and her fiance Ryan were in the back seat. We headed across the bridge, and finally made it to our destination. We were buzzed in and had to sign in with the woman at the desk. We were told to have a seat, someone would come for us shortly. We didn't have long to wait. During the short time that we were sitting there, Deb began to cry. I put my arms around her, and told her it would be okay. "This is a good thing", I think I said. Deb dried her tears, I told her not let HER see her cry. She came around the corner like a shy little girl. She was dressed in jeans and a "Harry Potter" Hoodie. No make-up, her hair pulled back with a pen sticking out of it. Our Emily. Still very much a little girl. Today a woman we had to let go of. She led us to a small room. There were only two other people there. Young boys. Young men. Flags lined the wall behind the podium. Other than that, the room was practically bare. We stood along the back wall. Emily joined the two boys facing the podium. In a matter of minutes a man entered the room, and went to the podium. He talked to Emily and the boys for a moment, and then he started. It took just about 3 minutes, and it was over.

I remember the first time I met Emily. I was already married to her father. (Something she has never really forgiven me for.) She was six. A tall, skinny little thing with legs that seemed impossibly long for her body. She waited, that day, until no one else was paying attention. As soon as she got her chance, she whispered to me. I will never forget what she said. "I hate you." I just looked at her and smiled. "That's okay", I said. "You do not have to like me in order for me to love you." She was taken aback for just a split second, and then looked at me with those defiant eyes and responded, "I will never love you." At that point everyone came back into the room, and she ran over to hug her father some more. She didn't speak to me again that day.

Today, I stood by and watched as Emily became a member of the Untied States Army. I had been invited. I got hugs and kisses. I got thanked for coming. And that little girl with those same defiant eyes looked at me today and told me that she loved me. After the swearing in, we went to meet her at the airport. We were hoping to be able to see her off at the gate. That was a No Go! We could only get passes to get beyond security if she was headed to Iraq we were told. I hope we never have to get passes. We waited with her until she finally had to go get checked in. As she walked away, I watched her go. She is tall and skinny and she has legs that seem impossibly long for her body. And as she walked the walk she had to take alone, that walk away from her mother, and her sister, and myself...that walk into adulthood, I didn't see the woman she has become. I saw a six year old child. And I forced myself not to cry. That's all, Goodnight.

Emily's Oath...

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