Okay, so I know this is going to be bad, but I am writing this in response to Ticia's poem. I have never been able to write poetry that rhymes, or is any good at all, so this is my version of a love poem....Ready Ticia?
Their eyes meet,
Their bodies strangers,
Their souls one.
They fall into each other as though they have always been,
Hands reaching,
Bodies arching,
Mouths searching,
Again and again for each other.
They pull,
They push,
They pry,
Until there is nothing between them,
No distinct line between where she ends and he begins.
Her hands in his hair,
His mouth on her breast,
A warm tongue searches out the soft spot,
Somewhere between heaven and nowhere.
Eyes flash,
Skin shines with the light dew of passion.
Her scent is intoxicating,
His taste like honey on her lips.
He takes her,
Gently at first,
Softly,
Sweetly,
Slowly.
And in her he loses himself,
And he forgets that he loves,
And he forgets that he hurts,
And he forgets that he lives.
And all that is,
Or ever was,
Or ever will be,
Is here.
Is in his hands.
And they fuck,
And they fuck to feel,
And they fuck to forget,
And they fuck to fight back,
Against all the chains they have gathered around themselves.
And the tide rolls over them,
And they can not fight it,
And they choose not to fight it,
And they drown there in each other.
And still he seeks her,
Her warmth,
Her breath,
Her life that she offers to him willingly.
And he takes all that she has to give,
Her love,
Her soul.
And in their renewed joining she cries out,
And he derives his pleasure from her small pain,
And he fills her with his heat,
And he fills her with himself.
And his hands caress her hair,
And his mouth tells her that everything will be okay.
And she takes his hand, and follows him,
To that lonely place,
To that place where they can be.
Just be.
And they reach that place together,
And she giggles,
And he sighs,
And the phone beeps,
Beeps,
Beeps out a warning.
An intrusion on the warmth they share,
An invasion of their time together,
A reminder that they can not belong,
And he says I love you,
And she says I love you, and hangs up the phone.
Ha, told you it would be bad. Shame on my teachers for allowing me to get away with shit like that all those years at school. Okay Ticia, Tag, you're it! That's all, bye.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Content...
Okay, so i was going to write something, and then when I sat down to do it, I completely forgot what i was going to write about. Must not have been important, probably some more whiny ass bullshit about how nothing ever goes right. But I am just not in the mood to be whiny, or bitchy, or pouty, or any of the other things I can do so well. So tonight I will say this.... I am content. Not happy, not life changingly thrilled about anything, but content. Content is good. Content is okay. Content is where I am right now, and I am fine with that. That is all, Goodnight.
P.S. Looks like he deleted the Florida Beach Bimbo from friends list, yeah me! (Maybe that is where the content comes from tonight... anyway, I am glad he did, I feel much better.)
P.S. Looks like he deleted the Florida Beach Bimbo from friends list, yeah me! (Maybe that is where the content comes from tonight... anyway, I am glad he did, I feel much better.)
Sunday, October 28, 2007
What sex is your brain...
Okay, so Ticia sent me another test to take. This one is to see if your brain is more dominatly male or female. Here are my results....
Angles
This task tested your ability to identify the angle of a line by matching it with its twin. This is a spatial task, which looks at how you picture space.
Your score: 7 out of 20
Average score for men: 15.1 out of 20
Average score for women: 13.3 out of 20
What does your result suggest?
If you scored 0 - 12: You have more of a female brain. Scientists believe that people with a female brain find it more difficult to judge the slope of a line because they're not wired for spatial tasks. In past studies, 65 per cent of people who scored in this range were women.
If you scored 13 - 17: You found this test neither hard nor easy. This suggests your brain has male and female traits when it comes to spatial ability.
If you scored 18 - 20: You have more of a male brain. On average, men outperform women in this task and those with more mathematical knowledge tend to score quite high as well. In past studies, 60 per cent of the people in this range were men.
Interestingly, men's testosterone levels fluctuate through the seasons and studies have shown that men's scores are lower in the spring, when their testosterone levels are at their lowest.
Spot the difference
This task tested your ability to identify which objects changed position. You lost points, if you incorrectly identified objects.
Your score: 64%
Average score for men: 39%
Average score for women: 46%
What does your score suggest?
If you scored between 0 - 33%: You may have more of a male brain. Scientists say men tend to under perform in this task. The corpus callosum, the part of the brain that links the right and left hemispheres, is a fifth larger in women. This means women can process visual and other signals at the same time more easily than men. There is also a theory that oestrogen levels in women give them an added advantage in spatial memory.
If you scored between 34 - 66%: You may have a balanced female-male brain.
If you scored between 67 - 100%: Those with a female-type brain generally score in this range. Your ability to remember where objects are may serve as an advantage to you when you're trying to find your way around places. You're more capable of recalling landmarks to get from one place to another.
Hands
You said your right thumb was on top when you clasped your hands together.
Right thumb on top: This suggests the left half of your brain is dominant. Many studies have tried to establish whether there is a relationship between handedness and brain dominance. Some scientists believe that if you are left brain dominant, you would be more verbal and analytical.
Left thumb on top: This suggests the right half of your brain is dominant. Some studies theorise that as a right brain dominant person, you may excel in visual, spatial and intuitive processes.
However, these theories are debatable and leave much to be said about the small percentage of people who are ambidextrous.
Emotions and Systems
This task looked at whether you prefer to empathise or systemise.
Empathising
Your empathy score is: 13 out of 20
Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20
What does your result suggest?
Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising.
Systemising
Your systemising score is: 8 out of 20
Average score for men: 12.5 out of 20
Average score for women: 8.0 out of 20
What does your result suggest?
Systemisers prefer to investigate how systems work. A system can be a road map, flat pack furniture, or a mathematical equation – anything that follows a set of rules. A score of 15 and above suggests you're good at analysing or building systems. Men in general are better at systemising.
Scientists are keen to learn more about people who score high or low on both tests. They want to find out whether or not empathising and systemising are linked. Is a possible to make yourself more empathic?
Eyes
This task tested your ability to judge people's emotions.
Your score: 8 out of 10
Average score for men: 6.6 out of 10
Average score for women: 6.6 out of 10
What does your result suggest?
If you scored 0 - 3: Do you think you're good at judging how another person is feeling? Your score suggests this doesn't come to you quite so naturally.
If you scored 4 - 6: Your result suggests you have a balanced female-male brain and find it neither easy nor difficult to judge people's emotions.
If you scored 7 - 10: Your result suggests you are a good empathiser, sensitive to other people's emotions. Women generally fall into this category.
Faces
This task looked at how you rate the attractiveness of a series of faces. The images you looked at were digitally altered to create slight differences in masculinity.
Your choices suggest you prefer more masculine faces.
Highly masculinised male faces possess more extreme testosterone markers such as a long, broad and lower jaw, as well as more pronounced brow ridges and cheekbones.
Interestingly, women's preferences are said to vary across the menstrual phase. A more masculine face is preferred during the 9 days prior to ovulation, when conception is most likely.
A typical 'attractive' female face possesses features such as a shorter, narrower, lower jaw, fuller lips and larger eyes than an average face.
3D shapes
This task tested your ability to mentally rotate 3D shapes.
Your score: 9 out of 12
Average score for men: 8.2 out of 12
Average score for women: 7.1 out of 12
What does your result suggest?
If you scored 0 - 6: Do you find yourself having to physically rotate a map to point in the direction in which you're travelling? This might explain why you scored in the lower range in the 3D shapes test. Twice as many women as men score in this category. Previous studies suggest that those with a female-type brain or with an arts background fall into this range.
If you scored 7 - 9: In past studies, 50 per cent of the people who scored in this range were women and 50 per cent were men.
If you scored 10 - 12: Are you an engineer or do you have a science background? People with these skills tend to score in this range. Past studies have concluded that people in this range have a more male brain.
Nearly a third of men who took this test got full marks, whereas less than 10 per cent of women managed the same. Find out why.
Words
This task looked at your verbal fluency.
Your score: you associated 9 word(s) with grey and you named 10 word(s) that mean happy. We are assuming that all the words you entered are correct.
Average score for men: 11.4 words total
Average score for women: 12.4 words total
What does your result suggest?
If you produced 1 - 5 words: You are more of the strong, silent type with a male brain. You probably find it easier to express yourself in non-verbal ways, preferring action rather than words.
If you produced 6 - 10 words: Most people in this range have a female-type brain.
Women are said to use both sides of the brain when doing verbal tasks while men mainly use their left side. Studies have shown that girls develop vocabulary faster than boys. This difference in brain power is caused by levels of pre-natal testosterone.
Ultimatum
This task asked you how you would divide money.
If you had to split £50 with someone, you said you would demand £25
So far on the Sex ID test, men have demanded 51.6% (£25.80) of the pot and women have demanded 51.0% (£25.50), on average.
What does your response suggest?
Sex differences are small in this task. Demanding less than 60% of the pot (ie £30) is more typically female. Demanding more than 65% of the pot (ie £32.50) is more typically male.
Scientists believe that people with lower testosterone levels tend to take fewer risks so they are probably more willing to keep less for themselves. Those with higher testosterone levels tend to drive a harder bargain and are less compromising.
Men's testosterone levels fluctuate over the seasons and are at their lowest levels during the springtime. This is said to influence their bargaining power.
You can take the test here, and see how you score....I am all woman.. tee hee!
That's all, Goodbye!
Angles
This task tested your ability to identify the angle of a line by matching it with its twin. This is a spatial task, which looks at how you picture space.
Your score: 7 out of 20
Average score for men: 15.1 out of 20
Average score for women: 13.3 out of 20
What does your result suggest?
If you scored 0 - 12: You have more of a female brain. Scientists believe that people with a female brain find it more difficult to judge the slope of a line because they're not wired for spatial tasks. In past studies, 65 per cent of people who scored in this range were women.
If you scored 13 - 17: You found this test neither hard nor easy. This suggests your brain has male and female traits when it comes to spatial ability.
If you scored 18 - 20: You have more of a male brain. On average, men outperform women in this task and those with more mathematical knowledge tend to score quite high as well. In past studies, 60 per cent of the people in this range were men.
Interestingly, men's testosterone levels fluctuate through the seasons and studies have shown that men's scores are lower in the spring, when their testosterone levels are at their lowest.
Spot the difference
This task tested your ability to identify which objects changed position. You lost points, if you incorrectly identified objects.
Your score: 64%
Average score for men: 39%
Average score for women: 46%
What does your score suggest?
If you scored between 0 - 33%: You may have more of a male brain. Scientists say men tend to under perform in this task. The corpus callosum, the part of the brain that links the right and left hemispheres, is a fifth larger in women. This means women can process visual and other signals at the same time more easily than men. There is also a theory that oestrogen levels in women give them an added advantage in spatial memory.
If you scored between 34 - 66%: You may have a balanced female-male brain.
If you scored between 67 - 100%: Those with a female-type brain generally score in this range. Your ability to remember where objects are may serve as an advantage to you when you're trying to find your way around places. You're more capable of recalling landmarks to get from one place to another.
Hands
You said your right thumb was on top when you clasped your hands together.
Right thumb on top: This suggests the left half of your brain is dominant. Many studies have tried to establish whether there is a relationship between handedness and brain dominance. Some scientists believe that if you are left brain dominant, you would be more verbal and analytical.
Left thumb on top: This suggests the right half of your brain is dominant. Some studies theorise that as a right brain dominant person, you may excel in visual, spatial and intuitive processes.
However, these theories are debatable and leave much to be said about the small percentage of people who are ambidextrous.
Emotions and Systems
This task looked at whether you prefer to empathise or systemise.
Empathising
Your empathy score is: 13 out of 20
Average score for men: 7.9 out of 20
Average score for women: 10.6 out of 20
What does your result suggest?
Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising.
Systemising
Your systemising score is: 8 out of 20
Average score for men: 12.5 out of 20
Average score for women: 8.0 out of 20
What does your result suggest?
Systemisers prefer to investigate how systems work. A system can be a road map, flat pack furniture, or a mathematical equation – anything that follows a set of rules. A score of 15 and above suggests you're good at analysing or building systems. Men in general are better at systemising.
Scientists are keen to learn more about people who score high or low on both tests. They want to find out whether or not empathising and systemising are linked. Is a possible to make yourself more empathic?
Eyes
This task tested your ability to judge people's emotions.
Your score: 8 out of 10
Average score for men: 6.6 out of 10
Average score for women: 6.6 out of 10
What does your result suggest?
If you scored 0 - 3: Do you think you're good at judging how another person is feeling? Your score suggests this doesn't come to you quite so naturally.
If you scored 4 - 6: Your result suggests you have a balanced female-male brain and find it neither easy nor difficult to judge people's emotions.
If you scored 7 - 10: Your result suggests you are a good empathiser, sensitive to other people's emotions. Women generally fall into this category.
Faces
This task looked at how you rate the attractiveness of a series of faces. The images you looked at were digitally altered to create slight differences in masculinity.
Your choices suggest you prefer more masculine faces.
Highly masculinised male faces possess more extreme testosterone markers such as a long, broad and lower jaw, as well as more pronounced brow ridges and cheekbones.
Interestingly, women's preferences are said to vary across the menstrual phase. A more masculine face is preferred during the 9 days prior to ovulation, when conception is most likely.
A typical 'attractive' female face possesses features such as a shorter, narrower, lower jaw, fuller lips and larger eyes than an average face.
3D shapes
This task tested your ability to mentally rotate 3D shapes.
Your score: 9 out of 12
Average score for men: 8.2 out of 12
Average score for women: 7.1 out of 12
What does your result suggest?
If you scored 0 - 6: Do you find yourself having to physically rotate a map to point in the direction in which you're travelling? This might explain why you scored in the lower range in the 3D shapes test. Twice as many women as men score in this category. Previous studies suggest that those with a female-type brain or with an arts background fall into this range.
If you scored 7 - 9: In past studies, 50 per cent of the people who scored in this range were women and 50 per cent were men.
If you scored 10 - 12: Are you an engineer or do you have a science background? People with these skills tend to score in this range. Past studies have concluded that people in this range have a more male brain.
Nearly a third of men who took this test got full marks, whereas less than 10 per cent of women managed the same. Find out why.
Words
This task looked at your verbal fluency.
Your score: you associated 9 word(s) with grey and you named 10 word(s) that mean happy. We are assuming that all the words you entered are correct.
Average score for men: 11.4 words total
Average score for women: 12.4 words total
What does your result suggest?
If you produced 1 - 5 words: You are more of the strong, silent type with a male brain. You probably find it easier to express yourself in non-verbal ways, preferring action rather than words.
If you produced 6 - 10 words: Most people in this range have a female-type brain.
Women are said to use both sides of the brain when doing verbal tasks while men mainly use their left side. Studies have shown that girls develop vocabulary faster than boys. This difference in brain power is caused by levels of pre-natal testosterone.
Ultimatum
This task asked you how you would divide money.
If you had to split £50 with someone, you said you would demand £25
So far on the Sex ID test, men have demanded 51.6% (£25.80) of the pot and women have demanded 51.0% (£25.50), on average.
What does your response suggest?
Sex differences are small in this task. Demanding less than 60% of the pot (ie £30) is more typically female. Demanding more than 65% of the pot (ie £32.50) is more typically male.
Scientists believe that people with lower testosterone levels tend to take fewer risks so they are probably more willing to keep less for themselves. Those with higher testosterone levels tend to drive a harder bargain and are less compromising.
Men's testosterone levels fluctuate over the seasons and are at their lowest levels during the springtime. This is said to influence their bargaining power.
You can take the test here, and see how you score....I am all woman.. tee hee!
That's all, Goodbye!
Another drunken post you have only a few hours to read...(will be deleted whenI come back to the land of the living)
Okay, so have you ever noticed that no one ever seems to comment on the really important shit I write, but choose to save commenting for the pointless bullshit I put out there? Why is that? Why is it wheni say that i am falling the fuck apart at the seams no one says a fucking wrod, but let me write about some nonsensical bullshit that means nothing to no one (me included) and watch the responses. I am falling apart at the seams, if that matters to anyone. I am falling apart and I do not know how to fix it. i am crying right now, yeah I know, you thinkit is because I amdrunk, and you may be right, but it is also because the path i have chosen to walk is leading me to dark places, I worked until 11:30 tonight. I told the boss man that when he started sending people home I volunteered to be the first to go. so by the time I made it to the bar, I had a lot of catching up to do. I caught up like a champ. You would have been proud. Boss lady's brother kept trying to get me to leave wth him and go to another bar. At the end of the night Sisca (Fransisca) ((Boss Lady's daughter) brought me home as a way to avoid the inevitable explanation as to why I do not want to "Party" with her Uncle. She saw that he was hitting on me, and told him that she would drive me to breakfast, we didn't go, I came home instead. I am wearing a pair of Angel wings right now, i am not sure where they came from, or how I got them. I like them, they remind me of(***edited) How would I ever know? God, this is so fucked up. I am not supposed to give a shit right? I am not supposed to care like this. Why is this tearing my heart into shreds? It is all so stupid. I mean he is free to do what he likes with whomever he likes, same as me. In fact, he gave me permission to shave my legs. Lmao... okay I do not mean permission like you are thinking and this makes no sense to you. It doesn't matter, it makes perfect sense to me....just let me say this.... sometimes it isnice to feel that you "belong" to someone. Not that you are owned, but that they care enough to ask you NOT to shave your legs. See, I choose not to shave my legs, not because I think that i will do something bad, but because I am saying that I ((***Edited***) just not to tell you really hurts, like you don't care, like it is not important to you.... ugh, see this is why I do not blog while drunk.. okay I do it all the time, I just beat most of you here in the morning and delete it before you all read my silly drunken ramblings. I start out blogging and end up writing personal emails instead.. wtf is wrong with me? I did shave my legs tonight before I went to work, but still, I did not do anything I would be ashamed to talk about to anyone...(***Edited here to protect myself from ranting hubby if he reads this).... and i am just going on and on,and nothing makes sense, and the florida beach bimbo is crushing me, and I am reeling, and I am lonely, (***And again here... wow.. i get really telling when I am drinking) Does that shit come with a personal slave? and the job market sucks unless you have a degree or three, and i was looking at that too, and do you want me to (***edited) I just think i need to go pass out, and wake up feeling a little hungover, and a lot happier, cause right now i am spinning, and the room is unstable, or maybe it is my mind, and that's all, goodnight.
***Author's note*** I have edited out portions of this post as a way of keeping some privacy in my life from prying eyes. I would normally delete this entire post as I usually remove anything written while drunk, but seeing that my new friend Mary has commented on this post, and i started with a rant about no one ever commenting on the important things, i feel that it is important to keep this one, at least for a little while. Other than removing sections that may cause a lot of problems, I made no changes to this post. No spell check, no grammar corrections, just me, in the raw, hurting and vulnerable, and putting it all out there on the line.. wow... sometimes i frighten myself with how intensely I feel things... That's all, Bye.
***Author's note*** I have edited out portions of this post as a way of keeping some privacy in my life from prying eyes. I would normally delete this entire post as I usually remove anything written while drunk, but seeing that my new friend Mary has commented on this post, and i started with a rant about no one ever commenting on the important things, i feel that it is important to keep this one, at least for a little while. Other than removing sections that may cause a lot of problems, I made no changes to this post. No spell check, no grammar corrections, just me, in the raw, hurting and vulnerable, and putting it all out there on the line.. wow... sometimes i frighten myself with how intensely I feel things... That's all, Bye.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
The ramblings of a fevered brain...(Wow, I need some Tylenol.)
Okay, so I am having a pretty shitty night tonight. Work seemed to drag on forever, and we didn't get out of there until almost two in the morning. And someone decided to forgo our second break for the sake of getting the work done. No one asked me if this was okay, they just all did it. Why, you may ask. Well because none of those fuckers smoke, that's why. I am the only smoker in my entire department, and therefore no one thought about the fact that by midnight I am already jonesing for a smoke. Assholes! Also, the whole time I was at work, I had a headache. See The Honey told me today about a new "Friend" of his. For some reason this woman makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and my skin crawls just thinking about her. I really shouldn't let it get to me I know, I mean he told me about her, right? So it is not like he is hiding anything, and I know that he loves me, but it still turns my stomach just thinking about it. Or rather I should say it turns my heart, kind of like in a vice. Okay, enough of that, I need to just let it go. What right do I have to be jealous? But I am. Ugh. Sometimes even I do not like me. How do you people put up with me? How can you stand listening to me whine all the time? (Or rather read about my whining.) You know, it would be great if just once in awhile I could get on here and write something like "Today was amazing, and wonderful, and everything I could have asked for and more." LOL... yeah right, only if I was living someone else's life. I feel like my brain is going to explode soon if it doesn't learn how to shut off all the negative self-talk. Or my heart, which ever one is weakest. I am sick today, I have been for a week now, but today the fever hit. I am currently at 101.6 That isn't a temperature, that is an FM radio station. How do I let myself get this sick? I go for years without getting sick at all and then BAM! I get slammed. I refuse to let this stop me from going out tomorrow night though. If I can still get up and go to work in the morning, i will be out celebrating former Boss Lady's Birthday tomorrow night! We are going to a bar called The Glass Front. I do not know why it is called that. It is a dive that has cheap beer and a good DJ, and tomorrow night is their Halloween Party, but the place has no windows to speak of, so maybe it is a metaphor for something, if you figure it out, let me know will you? My mind can't seem to do more than just wonder about it for now. Actually this fever may be a good thing. With my head already spinning like this, it won't take much to get me drunk. Drunk is what I need to be. I need to learn to get over shit that is bothering me, unfortunately what will probably end up happening is I will get so drunk that I end up crying over shit I have no control over, and I will come home and pass out. Passing out will be good. You would think as sick as I am that I would be sleeping. HA! Again, you forgot this is my fucked up life I am living. The insomnia has actually gotten worse this week, and even though I am so tired I amseeing things that are not there, I still can not sleep for more then a few hours a night. I swear it is a good thing that I do not have to drive myself back and forth to work this week. As we were coming home tonight, Toni spotted a deer standing in the field near the road. She pointed it out and drove on. (A big Buck with a beautiful rack!) About a half a block later i told her to be careful of the deer along the side of the road up ahead. She slowed to a crawl, and my deer were nothing but wind and tall grasses and shadows. How's that for needing some real honest to goodness sleep? I am considering going back to spend the night at Todd's house again. That was the last night I got any really good sleep. See, I slept on the couch, but it wasn't just me on the couch. Now let me say this so that it is perfectly clear to all. NOTHING HAPPENED! NOT SO MUCH AS A PECK ON THE CHEEK! But, I did sleep well. When I fell asleep, I was sitting up at one end of the couch, and Russ was curled up at the other end. I do not know when or how, but at some point we ended up both stretched out cuddled together. My head on his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me. Apparently we slept like that all night, because we got teased about it the next day. Again I want to stress that NOTHING HAPPENED! I do not want one of you to go off all half cocked and turn it into something it wasn't. Russ and I are ONLY friends. that is all, that is all that ever will be. But I will say, it felt nice to be held. And I slept well. For the first time. In a long time. I just wish it had been in someone else's arms. I may be taking a trip soon. I may be going to a town called (***edited). I will be going with my friend Paula, to help her with some family matters she has to deal with. That will be a nice trip. I hope it all works out. I would love to go. I need to go. I want to go. And I will miss it when I am back home. That's all, Goodnight.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Pineapples, Pineapples, Pineapples everywhere...
Okay, so I know none of you will get this, and that is okay. But lately I just can't seem to get enough of pineapples. I just wanted to share all my pineapple finds with you, like this pineapple song.
And I think I may be a pineapple for Halloween. Which costume should I wear?
Or maybe...
Maybe I will just grow a Pineapple Plant...
Or have a Pineapple Drink...
Or Just lounge around with a Pineapple Friend in my Pineapple Sunglasses outside The Pineapple House. (Sponge Bob Style...)
Eating Pineapple KitKats...
Maybe I will vacation at The Pineapple House in Antigua.
Maybe I will take a tour of Pineapple Park in Okinawa. (Found on the US Marines in Japan website.)
Or maybe I will get the Pineapple shaped dildo....Lmao...as seen here in this video.
Pineapple-Shaped Dildo - The funniest videos clips are here
Maybe I will go on the Pineapple Diet to lose those last unwanted pounds.
Or maybe instead I will eat Curry Shrimp with Pineapple.
Or maybe... I will just say Pineapple, and giggle like a school girl. That's all, Goodnight.
P.S. You were right, Bung Polish doesn't exist... YET!
And I think I may be a pineapple for Halloween. Which costume should I wear?
Or maybe...
Maybe I will just grow a Pineapple Plant...
Or have a Pineapple Drink...
Or Just lounge around with a Pineapple Friend in my Pineapple Sunglasses outside The Pineapple House. (Sponge Bob Style...)
Eating Pineapple KitKats...
Maybe I will vacation at The Pineapple House in Antigua.
Maybe I will take a tour of Pineapple Park in Okinawa. (Found on the US Marines in Japan website.)
Or maybe I will get the Pineapple shaped dildo....Lmao...as seen here in this video.
Pineapple-Shaped Dildo - The funniest videos clips are here
Maybe I will go on the Pineapple Diet to lose those last unwanted pounds.
Or maybe instead I will eat Curry Shrimp with Pineapple.
Or maybe... I will just say Pineapple, and giggle like a school girl. That's all, Goodnight.
P.S. You were right, Bung Polish doesn't exist... YET!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Almost irresistible...
Okay, so I had to fight an almost irresistible urge tonight. All night at work tonight, I watched the little cutie with the not quite right hands. I watched him smile, and laugh, and listened to him say my name so soft when he said hello to me. I had the urge to kiss him. Of course I didn't do it. But GOD DAMN IT, I WANTED TO! But that is not the urge I am talking about. That is not the one I fought with so hard. See, I spent half of tonight crying. I am not sure why. I guess it was because of the monotony that is my job, the monotony that is my life. It was because of the fact that my son turned fourteen today, and I wasn't there to kiss him. It was because I am lonely ninety nine percent of the time, but I am always surrounded by people. It was because I am always laughing, and I always feel like crying. It was because I knew work would end, and I would have to come home, to a home I no longer feel completely comfortable in. It was because I work such odd hours that I never see my daughters, and when I do, the older of the two is constantly telling me how angry she is at me. It was because I am sad. It was because I feel like no one understands or cares what I want, what I need. It was because of the fact that I have been blessed with a man who really loves me, and what he is offering is just not enough for me. It was because the cutie's hands are not quite right. It was because I shaved my legs. It was because I just want to be held, and I do not want to be touched. It was because I am not deserving, and yet I deserve more. It was because of everything, and nothing. So, tonight when I clocked out, and put away my things, I fought the urge to scream. I just wanted to scream so loud that everyone would back away and just let me breathe. As I waited for Toni to come and get me, I fought the urge to just walk away. That is what i wanted to do so badly tonight that I almost couldn't fight it. I wanted to walk away, fast, before she got there. I wanted to walk until I couldn't take another step, and then just stick out my thumb and take the first ride I was offered to where ever it was they were going, and then do it all over again, until I was as far away from here as I could possibly get. I wanted to walk away and never look back. I wanted to take only the clothes on my back and just go. Escape. Be free. I wanted to leave all my responsibilities behind me. All the people who depend on me. I am so tired. So tired all of the time of being so much to so many. How is it that all these people seem to need me, but I am not allowed to need anyone. It isn't fair, and I do not want to do it anymore. I want to turn off the tears. I want to turn off the pain. I want to turn off. I want to run away. I want to never come back. I want to remember what is feels like to breathe without choking on tears. I want to remember what it feels like to feel good. What it feels like to be happy. What it feels like to be me. If I had had more than twelve dollars in my pocket and an almost maxed out credit card, I wouldn't have been able to fight off the urge. If I thought that at the end of my journey, there might be a soft place for me to fall, I would have gone anyway. But there is no soft place for me to land. There is no fairy tale happy ending in my story. And his hands, they just aren't quite right. That's all, goodnight.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
It isn't the couch.. it is the IDEA of the couch...
Okay, so I am sitting here lonely, and listening to AC/DC's Thunderstruck, and my mind is not here, and my heart is not here, and my soul is not here. They are all far off, visiting someplace else. Trying to invade someone else's dreams. Trying to get into someone else's head. Someone who is sleeping. Someone who is dreaming. Someone who is cuddled up warm somewhere. Someone who is cuddled up on a big leather couch, because the leather feels cool. And the television is on, because the light and the sound drive back the demons that try to creep in. My mind is taking me there. Taking me to that couch, taking me into those dreams. It is a safe place for me, in those dreams. My mind takes me to other people's dreams, because mine are not safe. Mine are not a good place for me to be. Mine are scary and cold, and dark, and that is why I do not sleep. That is why I need someone to open up and let me into their dreams. That is why I want to be on that couch, far away, cuddled up and warm, with the cool leather underneath me, sleeping, safe, loved. That's all, Goodnight.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Pour mon amoureux...
Vous me rendez faible. La pensée à vous remplit mon chaque moment de réveil. Pensée à passer ma vie avec vous dans des mes bras. Pensant à vous tenir, et à vous toucher, vous embrassant, vous caressant, faisant à amour vous pour toujours... juste une éternité douce lente de l'amour. Vous êtes l'homme de mes rêves, celui j'ai attendu mon vie entière, mais n'ai jamais pensé que je trouverais jamais. Je dois regarder dans vos yeux quand je vous dis que je t'aime, quand je vous dis que j'appartiens à vous et seulement à vous. Je vous veux maintenant. Je t'aime mon ange doux, mon bébé, mon amour, mon coeur, ma vie. Je suis à vous dès maintenant jusqu'à la fin du temps. C'est tout, au revoir.
Okay, I want this movie...
Okay, so I admit it... I have a special place in my heart for silly zombie movies. Shawn Of The Dead is a personal favorite secret pleasure of mine. I also liked the new Dawn Of The Dead, and the old one. I was not so keen on Land Of The Dead, just because the gore went a little too far in that one for my tastes. I like the funny gore, but there is something about watching people being eviscerated, and having their intestines gnawed on while they are still screaming that rather turns my stomach. But this movie is one that i just know will be another of my guilty little pleasures. I know I am a bit odd, but that is just me.
That's all, Bye.
That's all, Bye.
Ummm.. Okay then... I still don't get it...
The report was generated with the following birth data: female, born on 26 September 1971 at 3:17 pm in Santa Monica, California.
Your sun sign is Libra. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is in Capricorn, and your Moon is in Sagittarius.
Partner references which may occur in the text are set for a relationship with a man. Explanation
Sun in Libra, Moon in Sagittarius
An intellectual, you are usually preoccupied with ideas. However, you rarely seek knowledge for its own sake. You tend to be didactic and try to convert others to your ideas.
In defending your ideas you display all the strength of a zealot. Fortunately, your well- developed judgment tells you exactly where your opinions are not welcome. You are by nature straightforward and don't profess to be more than you are. Your genuine concern for people inclines you toward social work. It is difficult for you to restrain yourself, and your better judgment is often hidden beneath the flash of some new and not-too-wise inspiration. But you are a harmonious individual - that is, no serious conflict exists between idea and action, between what you appear to be and what you are.
Ascendant in Capricorn, Saturn in the Fifth House
At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Capricorn was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Saturn is located in the fifth house.
The sign of Capricorn denotes an existence in which temperament is very important. You will give an image of ambition, persistence, will power, consistency and perseverance. You were born with the tendencies to seek material, social, and, perhaps, even political power.
Capricorn tends to a challenging life which forces you to exert all your resources in order to triumph. Because of your tact and prudence, you will be favored with the good will of important people.
Your mind is egocentric, rational and you have a natural tendency toward scepticism. Able to work hard, you will bear obstacles and frustrations with patience.
You will proceed with prudence in your love life and in all other activities. You will seriously consider all of the ramifications of a relationship, especially the aspects of your independence, and you will not commit yourself to a partner until you are sure of your choice. After that however there is a tendency to conduct a peaceful and quiet life.
You are very economical in your daily activities, and if you do not exert some control over this trait, it could appear as rather mean.
You are best placed in governmental, municipal, political, or large business organizations where hierarchy is very exactly defined. The key word for your professional orientation is responsibility.
This position means, among other things, that you have a secret and powerful desire for psychological fulfillment and sex gratifications. However, Saturn presents many disappointments and problems in love affairs and you will be attracted to persons who are not easily within reach. In business matters it is not altogether good for speculation, but it gives you good prospects in investments in solid assets such as land, real estate or mines.
Note: Saturn is technically near the end of house 4 and is therefore interpreted in house 5.
Saturn in the Fifth House
Saturn was found in the fifth house at the time of your birth. Circumstances may oblige you to appear humble and patient in connection with love affairs and as a response to obstacles that will come between you and the object of your love.
It is possible that unless you can exert good control of your temperament, the obstacles can create a response from you that is harsh and severe. You must view these matters in light of the spiritual cause and effect.
We advise you to be very careful in business speculations and not to become involved in operations that have a risky element.
You should make an effort to become involved with the various human experiences of love so that your communicative power is increased. You must be sincere with yourself. Secretly you nourish the desire to be involved in human situations, but you apparently have lost the ability to relate to other people. A little more openness and confidence in your loved ones could be a good course to follow.
Note: Saturn is technically near the end of house 4 and is therefore interpreted in house 5.
Sun in the Eighth House
The Sun was found in your eighth house at the time of birth. This inclines your individuality to be oriented, in one way or another, to the deeper sides of life. Your sexual feelings are long-lasting, intense, and vital. Your inner self seems attracted to unusual matters related to the termination of life-death and its mysteries.
Traditional astrology indicates that near your middle age a crisis will rear its head in your life. If this period is successfully spanned you can expect a prolonged life with a gradual heightening vitality.
Financially, there are definite chances for money inherited from either your partner or from another relative.
Venus in the Ninth House
Venus was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. Your mind appears as very adaptable, gentle, peace-loving and tactful. This position indicates that the secret for your ability to reach a state of harmony and emotional balance may come through the use of your higher mental powers. You have been born with an exquisitely refined, artistic mind which has a very subtle appreciation of all that has to do with culture. Your disposition is kind, congenial, gentle and sympathetic and you have a natural ability to assist other individuals.
This position gives you much social intercourse with intellectual persons and success derived therefrom.
Merely minor disabilities will affect you in your intellectual endeavors. The worst that could happen would be an overly inquisitive, indecisive nature that never seems to be satisfied. However, you have within you the ability to avoid these psychological obstacles.
Note: Venus is technically near the end of house 8 and is therefore interpreted in house 9.
Moon in the Eleventh House
The Moon was found in the eleventh house at the time of your birth. You should be an individual with many friends and acquaintances, both from within and without your home and domestic circle. You are a person who can make friends in the highest social categories as well as with persons of an inferior status.
This position may also increase the possibilities of having a satisfactory family life and a very congenial domestic aspect with the potentiality of easily fraternizing with other people.
Astrological Data used for Short Report - Personal Portraitfor Dawn (female)
born on 26 Sep 1971 local time 3:17 pm
in Santa Monica, CA (US) U.T. 22:17
118w29, 34n01 sid. time 14:43:19
Planetary positionsplanet sign degree motion
Sun Libra 3°09'57 in house 8 direct
Moon Sagittarius 23°53'51 in house 11 direct
Mercury Virgo 23°41'36 in house 8 direct
Venus Libra 11°17'50 end of house 8 direct
Mars Aquarius 13°51'36 in house 1 direct
Jupiter Sagittarius 2°14'49 in house 10 direct
Saturn Gemini 6°28'22 end of house 4 stationary (R)
Uranus Libra 13°15'52 in house 9 direct
Neptune Sagittarius 0°50'50 in house 10 direct
Pluto Virgo 29°41'17 in house 8 direct
True Node Aquarius 13°09'21 in house 1 retrograde
Planets at the end of a house are interpreted in the next house.
House positions (Placidus)Ascendant Capricorn 23°38'46
2nd House Pisces 4°27'46
3rd House Aries 13°02'07
Imum Coeli Taurus 13°17'02
5th House Gemini 7°28'24
6th House Gemini 29°31'34
Descendant Cancer 23°38'46
8th House Virgo 4°27'46
9th House Libra 13°02'07
Medium Coeli Scorpio 13°17'02
11th House Sagittarius 7°28'24
12th House Sagittarius 29°31'34
Major aspectsSun Sextile Jupiter 0°55
Sun Trine Saturn 3°18
Sun Sextile Neptune 2°19
Sun Conjunction Pluto 3°29
Moon Square Mercury 0°12
Moon Square Pluto 5°47
Mercury Conjunction Pluto 6°00
Mercury Trine Ascendant 0°03
Venus Trine Mars 2°34
Venus Trine Saturn 4°49
Venus Conjunction Uranus 1°58
Mars Trine Uranus 0°36
Jupiter Opposition Saturn 4°14
Jupiter Conjunction Neptune 1°24
Jupiter Sextile Pluto 2°34
Saturn Opposition Neptune 5°38
Neptune Sextile Pluto 1°10
Numbers indicate orb (deviation from the exact aspect angle).
Your sun sign is Libra. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is in Capricorn, and your Moon is in Sagittarius.
Partner references which may occur in the text are set for a relationship with a man. Explanation
Sun in Libra, Moon in Sagittarius
An intellectual, you are usually preoccupied with ideas. However, you rarely seek knowledge for its own sake. You tend to be didactic and try to convert others to your ideas.
In defending your ideas you display all the strength of a zealot. Fortunately, your well- developed judgment tells you exactly where your opinions are not welcome. You are by nature straightforward and don't profess to be more than you are. Your genuine concern for people inclines you toward social work. It is difficult for you to restrain yourself, and your better judgment is often hidden beneath the flash of some new and not-too-wise inspiration. But you are a harmonious individual - that is, no serious conflict exists between idea and action, between what you appear to be and what you are.
Ascendant in Capricorn, Saturn in the Fifth House
At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Capricorn was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Saturn is located in the fifth house.
The sign of Capricorn denotes an existence in which temperament is very important. You will give an image of ambition, persistence, will power, consistency and perseverance. You were born with the tendencies to seek material, social, and, perhaps, even political power.
Capricorn tends to a challenging life which forces you to exert all your resources in order to triumph. Because of your tact and prudence, you will be favored with the good will of important people.
Your mind is egocentric, rational and you have a natural tendency toward scepticism. Able to work hard, you will bear obstacles and frustrations with patience.
You will proceed with prudence in your love life and in all other activities. You will seriously consider all of the ramifications of a relationship, especially the aspects of your independence, and you will not commit yourself to a partner until you are sure of your choice. After that however there is a tendency to conduct a peaceful and quiet life.
You are very economical in your daily activities, and if you do not exert some control over this trait, it could appear as rather mean.
You are best placed in governmental, municipal, political, or large business organizations where hierarchy is very exactly defined. The key word for your professional orientation is responsibility.
This position means, among other things, that you have a secret and powerful desire for psychological fulfillment and sex gratifications. However, Saturn presents many disappointments and problems in love affairs and you will be attracted to persons who are not easily within reach. In business matters it is not altogether good for speculation, but it gives you good prospects in investments in solid assets such as land, real estate or mines.
Note: Saturn is technically near the end of house 4 and is therefore interpreted in house 5.
Saturn in the Fifth House
Saturn was found in the fifth house at the time of your birth. Circumstances may oblige you to appear humble and patient in connection with love affairs and as a response to obstacles that will come between you and the object of your love.
It is possible that unless you can exert good control of your temperament, the obstacles can create a response from you that is harsh and severe. You must view these matters in light of the spiritual cause and effect.
We advise you to be very careful in business speculations and not to become involved in operations that have a risky element.
You should make an effort to become involved with the various human experiences of love so that your communicative power is increased. You must be sincere with yourself. Secretly you nourish the desire to be involved in human situations, but you apparently have lost the ability to relate to other people. A little more openness and confidence in your loved ones could be a good course to follow.
Note: Saturn is technically near the end of house 4 and is therefore interpreted in house 5.
Sun in the Eighth House
The Sun was found in your eighth house at the time of birth. This inclines your individuality to be oriented, in one way or another, to the deeper sides of life. Your sexual feelings are long-lasting, intense, and vital. Your inner self seems attracted to unusual matters related to the termination of life-death and its mysteries.
Traditional astrology indicates that near your middle age a crisis will rear its head in your life. If this period is successfully spanned you can expect a prolonged life with a gradual heightening vitality.
Financially, there are definite chances for money inherited from either your partner or from another relative.
Venus in the Ninth House
Venus was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. Your mind appears as very adaptable, gentle, peace-loving and tactful. This position indicates that the secret for your ability to reach a state of harmony and emotional balance may come through the use of your higher mental powers. You have been born with an exquisitely refined, artistic mind which has a very subtle appreciation of all that has to do with culture. Your disposition is kind, congenial, gentle and sympathetic and you have a natural ability to assist other individuals.
This position gives you much social intercourse with intellectual persons and success derived therefrom.
Merely minor disabilities will affect you in your intellectual endeavors. The worst that could happen would be an overly inquisitive, indecisive nature that never seems to be satisfied. However, you have within you the ability to avoid these psychological obstacles.
Note: Venus is technically near the end of house 8 and is therefore interpreted in house 9.
Moon in the Eleventh House
The Moon was found in the eleventh house at the time of your birth. You should be an individual with many friends and acquaintances, both from within and without your home and domestic circle. You are a person who can make friends in the highest social categories as well as with persons of an inferior status.
This position may also increase the possibilities of having a satisfactory family life and a very congenial domestic aspect with the potentiality of easily fraternizing with other people.
Astrological Data used for Short Report - Personal Portraitfor Dawn (female)
born on 26 Sep 1971 local time 3:17 pm
in Santa Monica, CA (US) U.T. 22:17
118w29, 34n01 sid. time 14:43:19
Planetary positionsplanet sign degree motion
Sun Libra 3°09'57 in house 8 direct
Moon Sagittarius 23°53'51 in house 11 direct
Mercury Virgo 23°41'36 in house 8 direct
Venus Libra 11°17'50 end of house 8 direct
Mars Aquarius 13°51'36 in house 1 direct
Jupiter Sagittarius 2°14'49 in house 10 direct
Saturn Gemini 6°28'22 end of house 4 stationary (R)
Uranus Libra 13°15'52 in house 9 direct
Neptune Sagittarius 0°50'50 in house 10 direct
Pluto Virgo 29°41'17 in house 8 direct
True Node Aquarius 13°09'21 in house 1 retrograde
Planets at the end of a house are interpreted in the next house.
House positions (Placidus)Ascendant Capricorn 23°38'46
2nd House Pisces 4°27'46
3rd House Aries 13°02'07
Imum Coeli Taurus 13°17'02
5th House Gemini 7°28'24
6th House Gemini 29°31'34
Descendant Cancer 23°38'46
8th House Virgo 4°27'46
9th House Libra 13°02'07
Medium Coeli Scorpio 13°17'02
11th House Sagittarius 7°28'24
12th House Sagittarius 29°31'34
Major aspectsSun Sextile Jupiter 0°55
Sun Trine Saturn 3°18
Sun Sextile Neptune 2°19
Sun Conjunction Pluto 3°29
Moon Square Mercury 0°12
Moon Square Pluto 5°47
Mercury Conjunction Pluto 6°00
Mercury Trine Ascendant 0°03
Venus Trine Mars 2°34
Venus Trine Saturn 4°49
Venus Conjunction Uranus 1°58
Mars Trine Uranus 0°36
Jupiter Opposition Saturn 4°14
Jupiter Conjunction Neptune 1°24
Jupiter Sextile Pluto 2°34
Saturn Opposition Neptune 5°38
Neptune Sextile Pluto 1°10
Numbers indicate orb (deviation from the exact aspect angle).
Hungover...
Okay, so i got stupid drunk last night. I should not do that. I end up saying and doing things i regret the next day. I also end up with a horrific hangover like the one i am currently nursing. You know the kind. The light from the computer monitor is too bright. The tip-tapping of the keys as I type is too loud. The planes ascending and descending in their flight path to and from Epply are screaming today. The wind is blowing too loudly, slamming the tree branches together like children playing rough games. The clock is ticking out a slow steady drum beat that echos in my brain and makes it hurt. That's all, Bye.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
The smile that haunts my dreams...
Okay, so there is this guy at work. He is just a living doll. He is young, and sweet, and has a smile that haunts my dreams. He has sweet lips, that look so soft. And when he smiles, it fills his face, it shows in his big brown eyes. I find myself looking towards him a lot during the slow points of the night. Every time he looks up and meets eyes with me, I am rewarded with that huge toothy grin. His smile is so incredibly sweet. It gives me butterflies. It makes my heart do a little dance every time I see it flash in my direction. His eyes light up when he smiles. Dark brown, with little gold flecks. Dark brown hair, cut short, but still worn just a bit too long. (I am a sucker for high and tights, and flat tops.) He is not too tall, about 5'9". He speaks so softly. Almost in a whisper when he says hello to me each day. His voice is deep. Soothing. Musical. But, his hands aren't right. His hands are too delicate. Strong looking, but slender. That is the one thing that ruins the dream. The hands. They look too soft. See this guy at work, he isn't the one who haunts my dreams. It is not his smile I see when I close my eyes. It is not even his smile I see when I look at him. It is not his voice I hear greeting me each evening. Not his eyes I catch looking at me, not his hair I want to cut. Not his hands I want to hold. But, he sure does remind me of all those things. He reminds me, and I get butterflies each time. And I feel my heart dance in my chest. And I sleep a little better because of it. That's all, Goodnight.
A good smile at the end of the day makes it all worth it...
Okay, so today was not all bad. In fact, right before I got home, two things happened to make me smile. See, last night I had a headache, and decided I didn't want to deal with the noise and chaos that is the casino, so I did not go to cash my check. Instead, I went tonight after work. Toni wasn't feeling well, so I was in a bit of a hurry as I walked through the parking structure and onto the elevator. I was followed in by two good looking men. On the ride to casino level, they struck up a conversation with me. They asked about my work, as I was still wearing the five layers of clothing that I wear to try and stay relatively warm at work. I top off all the layers by wearing a company quilted jacket. They asked about my job, and then they asked if i would like to have a drink or two with them, and gamble a bit. I commented that I work much too hard for my money to give it away to the casino, at which they said that I didn't need any money if I chose to stay and play. I smiled sweetly, and thanked them, and told them i was sorry, but I have to work tomorrow, so home was where I was heading. The more talkative (and attractive) of the two handed me his card as we parted ways. "Call me.", was written hurriedly on the back. It made my night! Of course I thanked them again, and headed onto the boat to cash my check, as they headed towards the bar. I dropped the card in the garbage at the security check point. (I do not need any more complications in my life thank you very much. But the thought was sweet, and made me feel good.) At the security check point, I started through the turnstile as usual, when I was stopped by the guard. He asked me for ID. I laughed, and asked him if he was joking. I told him I have not been asked for ID to get into the casino for ten years, at which point he said that someone wasn't doing their job. He said I was not getting on the boat without ID, because he wouldn't guess me at much more than twenty two. I laughed my ass off, and told him I think I might love him. I handed him my ID, and he just shook his head. "This isn't you.", he said. I laughed again, and handed him my work ID. I told him that was definitely me, a whole lot of pounds ago. He looked at the two pictures side by side, and then back at me. He just kept shaking his head. He checked and rechecked my pictures, comparing them against me. He swiped my ID through some strange machine that tells if it is legit. He held it under a black light to verify the watermarks. The people behind me were starting to get irritated, but I was loving it. Twenty two is a long stretch when guessing my age, but most people shave off five or six years when they guess. Six months ago, people guessed just about right. I love that I am starting to look and feel like me again. I need to start doing those silly exercise DVDs I bought. Then I will be back to the real me a lot faster, but considering that since I have started losing all the weight, I have been carded for cigarettes, at the casino, and at the bar i go to almost every weekend, I guess I can say I am doing a pretty damned good job, and be happy with myself for once. At least for a little while. That's all, Goodnight.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Usted es mi amor, mi corazón, mi vida...
Le amo solamente. Usted es mi todo. Usted significa el mundo a mí. Le falto. Le deseo. Le necesito. Te quiero, por siempre.
Not tonight, I have a headache...
Okay, so I have decided I do not like censuring myself. I need to take the advice of my new friend Mary (In her comment on my last post), and find a blog page where I can be me, and yet what I write can only be read by people invited in. If anyone knows of such a blog site, please let me know. It really sucks to even be considering doing that though. I have always lived my life as an open book. Unafraid and unashamed to be who I am, regardless of how others perceive me. Ugh. I will finish this post some other time...I have a raging headache, and just thinking about having to hide my thoughts and feelings is making it worse. That's all for now, Bye.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Another post of the type I normally try to avoid...
Okay, so I know I have been writing some half-hearted, means nothing bullshit lately. Mostly that is because I now feel as though I have to edit myself for whom ever may happen upon my page. (Or be sent here by villainous nosey bitches.) My really personal life, I can no longer share, as I do not like having to deal with all the bullshit that came about from my being TOTALLY HONEST with people. Apparently honesty is over rated, and there are people in my life who prefer to be lied to. So be it. So, that being said, and the really private things now staying private, I am at a bit of a loss as to what to write about these days. I could write about the fact that my desk is covered in stacks of papers I keep meaning to go through, and how right now, I think there is a mouse in said stacks of paper having himself a good ol' time. But hell, I am already bored with thinking about it myself, so let's move on. I will talk about something that does mean something to me. That something is Breast Cancer. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and to all of my female readers, (Yes, I mean both of you! The rest of my regular visitors are all male.) please take the time to do something worthwhile for yourself each month, and do a breast self-exam. This is unbelievably important. It saves lives. To everyone else, please encourage your mothers, sisters, wives, daughters, aunts, cousins, nieces, sweethearts, and any other females in your lives to do the same. I have lost three Aunts to breast cancer. And had they detected the cancers sooner, they might still be here today. No one should ever have to watch a loved one suffer through such pain. It is a simple thing to do. If you don't know how, then just click here for step by step instructions on how to perform a breast self exam. If you do not want to do it for yourself, then do it for all the people out there that love you. (Like me for example.) Also, there is something we can all do everyday (even you men) to help fight this horrible disease. It is so simple that even the laziest among you can do it. All you have to do is go to this website, and click the large pink button that says CLICK HERE TO GIVE! See? It is simple, it is free, and each click they receive helps a woman who can not afford it, (OR whose insurance company says she is too young to need it, despite a family history of breast cancer, and whose doctor wants her to have one, like ME damn it!) get a free mammogram. What could be more simple? What could you do online today that could be more important than saving someone's life? So go click already, and click often, click daily. Okay, so now that I have done my public service announcement for this month, I will go back to writing my normal posts. The whiny, self serving, self battering bullshit that I am used to writing. Maybe I will post something good tomorrow... One can always hope. That's all. Goodnight.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The Way it was...
Okay, so I got home a bit early from work last night. I went to the store, came home and ate, and then I got a phone call from Toni. She was crying. It seems her son Todd was drunk, and she said some not so nice things to her son Russ about how Todd's "down-fall" is all his fault. That simply isn't the case. Todd is a full grown man (older than me) and is quite capable of making his own decisions. Russ had left the bar early, Todd didn't leave til around midnight. Thing is, Toni has always been much closer to Todd than to Russel, and so she is more than willing to blame Russel for Todd's mistakes. She told me that she wanted to go try and talk to Todd. To talk some sense into him. (Toni is convinced that everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, or is on their way to being an alcoholic.) So off I went, along for the ride. We checked the bar where Todd was last seen, but he was already gone. She decided to head over to the boys' apartment. (Todd and Russ share the apartment with a new friend named Tim added into the mix.) I went upstairs and told Todd that his mother wanted to talk with him. He was so funny. He kept trying to convince me to climb into bed with him. He told me I was beautiful and nice, and then that I was a bitch. I just laughed and told him to go talk with his mommy. I stayed upstairs with Russ and Tim to give them a chance to talk. About ten minutes later Todd came in furious. You know, he was experiencing that rage that only a truly drunk person ever feels. Apparently Toni had called Russ a loser, and told Todd that he was becoming a loser just like his brother. (This is an unfair statement. Russ owns his own business, and has always maintained a home. He recently split with the woman he spent sixteen years with, and has been drinking a bit more than what is usual for him since then, so this is not a fair assessment of him.) Todd came in yelling at me. Telling me that I hate him, and think he is a loser too. (How do I get drawn into the drama? I wasn't even there! I had stayed upstairs so that I didn't somehow get involved.) Russ and Tim quickly came to my defense, and I went to check on Toni. Toni was very upset. We drove home, and by the time we pulled into her driveway, she was in tears. I spent awhile talking with her, and calming her down. A kiss and a hug on my way out the door, and she seemed to be feeling a bit better. On my way out the door I called Todd. I was going to bitch at him for making his mother cry. Didn't quite turn out the way I had planned. When I called Russ answered. We talked for about ten minutes before he told me that Todd had left saying something about killing himself. Men! I swear they should outlaw drinking for emotional men. I told Russ that I would go and look for him. Russ sent Tim to come pick me up to find him. We found him alright. He was walking down the side of the road, having just got unstuck from a field full off mud up to his waist. (It has been raining here for over a week.) Personally, I think it would have been funny if he had been stuck to the point of having to spend the night trapped in the field. Maybe then he would rethink it next time he decided to do something so stupid. Anyway, we picked him up, and took him back to the apartment. Todd spent the next several hours alternating between crying, and raging at the situation he has placed himself in. Alternating between loving and hating everyone. Finally at about five this morning, he talked himself out, and went to bed. I curled up on the couch and slept. No one is too very pleased with me this morning. The hubby is unhappy, because I never made it back home last night, and I spent the night in an apartment with three men. Toni is not happy because she thinks I am siding with the boys against her. That simply isn't true. I was just being the same friend to him, as I have always been. Doing the same for him that I would have done for any of my friends who needed me. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. I was asked this morning, if there was anything romantic going on between Todd and myself. That question is almost laughable. If the person who asked it knew Todd, they would never have asked me such a silly question. Oh don't get me wrong. I have never had a male friend who didn't at one point drunkenly confess a secret desire to be with me in a romantic way (except for Bill), and Todd is no exception to that rule. (Hell, even Russ hit on me last night. Over and over again.) But, I think more of myself than to do that. I wouldn't ever sleep with Todd. And besides, I didn't shave my legs. That's all, Bye.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Climbing out...
Okay, so you may have noticed that I have been writing some shit that is a bit odd lately. (Even for me.) I guess it is because I am trying to get away from the whole pity me attitude I have been carrying around the past two weeks. I am tired of whining. I am happier today than I have been in two weeks. I will not go into the details as to why, just know that it is a good thing that I am coming out of this blue-black funk I have been hiding in. I hate when I let myself fall like that. When the not so pleasant things in my life can tear me in two and make me feel like dying. I am better now. I feel good today. I feel stronger today. I feel content today. I feel complete today. That's all, Goodnight.
My favorite pair of jeans...
Okay, so my favorite jeans are nothing special. I bought them at a thrift store about two moths ago. Back then they fit a little tight. Now they are a bit baggy. That's good, I like them like that. They are faded perfectly. They are low rise flares, and a bit worn at the hem because I am so short they often drag on the ground when I walk. They look great paired with a tight t-shirt, or a babydoll shirt (of which I am very fond). They look great with my skater shoes (That's what my nephew calls my tennis shoes.) or with my super high heeled clod hoppers. (That's what Toni calls my strappy super high and chunky heeled black shoes.) They are great for a day spent hanging around the house doing a whole lot of nothing. They are great for a night spent out with the girls, shaking my ass all over the dance floor. They are great for wearing to a party, or wearing to work. They feel great sitting right at my hips, though they are starting to slide down just a little these days. They feel great on my thighs, so soft against that, oh so sensitive, naked skin. They feel great kissing my ankles as I walk. Apparently they look pretty good too. They are the jeans that get me the most looks from men. The jeans that get me asked to dance most often. Maybe it is not the jeans. Maybe it is how they make me feel. They make me feel comfortable. They make me feel sexy. They make me feel like I am ready to have a good time. I bought a sister pair at the same time. Same brand, different cut. A pair of hipster, button fly flares. I like them too. But they are just not the same. I have a favorite pair of jeans. And that is always a good thing. That's all, Bye.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Okay, so...
Okay, so I just got home from the fuckerware party, and the bar. Okay, several bars, with a bag full of goodies i bought. I went to the hubby to get a little, go figure the answer is that he is tired. I swear, nothing ever changes. I am going to go use my bag of goodies alone. I am going to get what I need, and then fall into a drunken stupor. I am going to give the fuck up. I am going to shave my legs next time I go out. (I didn't this time, I am not going to go into details why I didn't. The one who cares, already knows.) So, off I go, and here I come. See ya on the flip side. That's all, Goodnight.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Yesterday, I cried...
Yesterday, I cried. I didn't just cry. I sobbed. And I choked on my tears. And I let the tears roll into my hair, and soak my pillow. I cried for the little girl whose mother never loved her. I cried for the young girl who had her innocence stolen, over and over again. I cried for the young woman who gave up her dreams to become a mother. I cried for the woman who held her baby in her arms as she took her last breath. I cried for the almost middle aged woman who is trying to find happiness, and doesn't know where to look. I cried for me. I cried long. I cried hard. I cried for my lost babies. I cried for my lost friend. I cried for my lost soul. I cried. As I cried the hubby put his arms around me, and drifted off to sleep. And still I cried. And with each tear I gained a brick. And with those bricks I have started building a wall. A fortification. A barrier. One that will protect me. One that will save what is left of my soul. One that will keep people out of a place so raw and sore that one touch sends out waves of agony that take my breath away. A place so dark and cold. A place that is frightening, even to me. My tears have given me a new strength. A foundation on which to build. I will use my tears to fill the moat that will surround my wall. I will mortar the bricks together with pain, and anger, and wasted energy. My wall will be strong. Impenetrable. Impregnable. And that is where I will live. And that is where the real me, the weak me, the sad me, the scared me, the scarred me, the small child, the young girl, the young woman, the woman, the almost middle aged woman, will find peace. Happiness is an illusion, a dream. A dream I no longer care to chase. I will give only that of myself which is necessary for survival. The rest will stay hidden, and safe, and buried. Bricked up for all time, unless someone knows a secret. A secret way into my wall. And that my friends, is very unlikely. That's all. Goodnight.
And I thought I had heard it all...
Okay, so I do not normally write about other people's shit. I do not do current events. But this was something I just could not go without commenting on. Before I say another word, read the following article...
CASSELBERRY, Fla. — A police officer who slipped and injured a knee responding to a toddler's near-drowning has sued the family of the 1-year-old boy, who suffered brain damage and can no longer walk, talk or swallow.
Casselberry Sgt. Andrea Eichhorn alleges Joey Cosmillo's family left a puddle of water on the floor, causing her fall during the rescue efforts. She broke her knee and missed two months of work.
The boy fell into the pool outside the family's home in suburban Orlando in January and now lives in a nursing home and eats and breathes through tubes.
"The loss we've suffered, and she's seeking money?" said Richard Cosmillo, 69, the boy's grandfather, who lived in the home with his wife and the boy's mother. "Of course there's going to be water in the house. He was sopping wet when we brought him in."
Eichhorn's attorney, David Heil, said she has persistent knee pain and will likely develop arthritis. He said city benefits paid by workers' compensation and some disability checks helped with medical bills, but it wasn't enough.
The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages.
"It's a situation where the Cosmillos have caused these problems, brought them on themselves, then tried to play the victim," Heil said.
Eichhorn's personnel file includes numerous commendations. The 12-year veteran has worked as a hostage negotiator and prostitution decoy and wrestled razors away from a suicidal person.
After reading this article, two words come to mind. Two words I try not to use unless truly pushed to the absolute end of my patience. Those two words are STUPID CUNT! I am completely flabbergasted by the audacity of this woman. And then, the incredible balls of the lawyer to say the family brought this on themselves "and then tried to play the victim." You have got to be fucking kidding me. No wonder so many people think lawyers are all scum. How do people become so ridiculous as to think this is okay? That somehow this behaviour and these words are moral and just? It makes me afraid for the future. What is next? Doctors suing patients because they catch a cold while giving an exam for a cold? Firemen suing a homeowner for getting burned while attempting to extinguish a house fire? A nurse suing because the Alzheimer's patient she was changing accidentally pisses on her? Where does the madness end? When will people step up to the plate and take responsibility for the bad things that happen in their lives? When will we as a nation (As a species even.), stand up to idiots like this and say "NO MORE, YOU DON"T GET ONE FUCKING CENT!" I am in awe! In awe of the ignorance that surrounds me. This is why I do not read the news paper anymore. Getting this angry just gives me a headache. I would love to hear what you think of this story, leave a comment. That's all, Goodnight.
CASSELBERRY, Fla. — A police officer who slipped and injured a knee responding to a toddler's near-drowning has sued the family of the 1-year-old boy, who suffered brain damage and can no longer walk, talk or swallow.
Casselberry Sgt. Andrea Eichhorn alleges Joey Cosmillo's family left a puddle of water on the floor, causing her fall during the rescue efforts. She broke her knee and missed two months of work.
The boy fell into the pool outside the family's home in suburban Orlando in January and now lives in a nursing home and eats and breathes through tubes.
"The loss we've suffered, and she's seeking money?" said Richard Cosmillo, 69, the boy's grandfather, who lived in the home with his wife and the boy's mother. "Of course there's going to be water in the house. He was sopping wet when we brought him in."
Eichhorn's attorney, David Heil, said she has persistent knee pain and will likely develop arthritis. He said city benefits paid by workers' compensation and some disability checks helped with medical bills, but it wasn't enough.
The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages.
"It's a situation where the Cosmillos have caused these problems, brought them on themselves, then tried to play the victim," Heil said.
Eichhorn's personnel file includes numerous commendations. The 12-year veteran has worked as a hostage negotiator and prostitution decoy and wrestled razors away from a suicidal person.
After reading this article, two words come to mind. Two words I try not to use unless truly pushed to the absolute end of my patience. Those two words are STUPID CUNT! I am completely flabbergasted by the audacity of this woman. And then, the incredible balls of the lawyer to say the family brought this on themselves "and then tried to play the victim." You have got to be fucking kidding me. No wonder so many people think lawyers are all scum. How do people become so ridiculous as to think this is okay? That somehow this behaviour and these words are moral and just? It makes me afraid for the future. What is next? Doctors suing patients because they catch a cold while giving an exam for a cold? Firemen suing a homeowner for getting burned while attempting to extinguish a house fire? A nurse suing because the Alzheimer's patient she was changing accidentally pisses on her? Where does the madness end? When will people step up to the plate and take responsibility for the bad things that happen in their lives? When will we as a nation (As a species even.), stand up to idiots like this and say "NO MORE, YOU DON"T GET ONE FUCKING CENT!" I am in awe! In awe of the ignorance that surrounds me. This is why I do not read the news paper anymore. Getting this angry just gives me a headache. I would love to hear what you think of this story, leave a comment. That's all, Goodnight.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Not one perfect match...
Okay, so I went Ticia one step further, and took the eChemistry personality profile test. Here are my results...funny, not one perfect match, but 83 near misses... who would have guessed it... Lmao.
Your type is called 'The Surprise Philosopher.' You are steady and reliable and talk less than the people around you. You are laid back and fun to hang out with and at the same time have an underlying intensity in everything you do. You hate to be bored, so you're likely to try new things to keep life interesting.
You are intensely passionate. That last sentence could be in all capitals it's so vital to your character. You love absolutely and completely, and you simply cannot get naked enough when the action starts. You work hard and you play hard, and your romantic relationships are much more passionate behind closed doors than your coworkers would guess from your mild, unassuming exterior.
There's a hard edge to your personality which really tests who is worth your time. You are probably quite sarcastic, or at least have gone through very sarcastic periods. You simply don't put on a facade when someone is being an idiot, and that blunt honesty keeps idiots at a distance.
You see situations for exactly what they are, and you state reality so bluntly that people can't help but go along with what you see. You don't get bogged down in procedures or theories, you just do what needs to be done and get things over with. You don't want to exert yourself any more than you have to, so you become an expert at using tools to the maximum advantage so that the time you spend working is extremely efficient in getting results. You excel at finding novel approaches to solving problems because of this and are somewhat of an inventor.
You are definitely an idea person. You come up with concepts for new businesses or products all the time without even trying. You are a natural born entrepreneur and, more than other types, are likely to work for yourself, even as a contractor to someone else, rather than work in a regular 9 to 5 job. You are incredibly skilled with problem solving and not inclined towards desk work. In fact, paperwork can slip through the cracks for you. You avoid all mundane, repetitive, boring work and excel at anything requiring physical skill and finding solutions to surprise problems.
You're called the Surprise Philosopher because you spend so much time in the background, particularly in groups, and just when you've blended totally in you're likely to say something really abstract and meaningful and people are likely to turn their heads in wonder that you were just hanging in the flow a moment before and suddenly reached such a deep level. You spend so much time in your own mind that you simply listened to the topic, then took it step by step, breaking it down, and came out with your final conclusion without verbally helping everyone else along your train of thought. When the conversation turns toward the philosophical topic you've brought up you're likely to tire of repeating yourself while others catch up to what you were thinking.
You communicate more through actions than words. You learn by doing, rather than by hearing, seeing or reading. Standard grade school was not intended for students like you, and you probably found it incredibly tedious and boring.
You were designed to use your hands and mind to master tools which other people cannot. When introduced to new tools, including weapons, your skill develops faster and further, and you speak more technically about it than others could, even if they were given more time and practice. You are drawn to music and, if you try, you find that you are much more of a natural at playing instruments than other people. You want to be comfortable and secure and you excel at anything which helps advance those goals.
You feel most comfortable when other people don't know exactly what to expect from you. If people can't stereotype you then you're less vulnerable and you have more options to do whatever you'd like without it being particularly shocking to anyone. In fact, even those close to you never know whether you'll respond to something with instant enthusiasm or reserved thought.
You particularly enjoy unexpectedly stepping up to tackle a mechanical or instrument problem and then solving it with ease, although you'll steer clear if the problem involves people or attitudes. If you absolutely must refer to the directions then you will read only the part which specifically applies to the problem at hand. You like work which has a definite end, a completion point, rather than 'research' or 'administration' which could continue on forever.
You are observant and will watch your environment, collecting data, constantly. This makes you especially valuable in an emergency because you are the most likely to have spotted things going wrong and know the source of problems before anyone else.
You don't waste energy on creating plans which might not work out. You prefer to face each day anew and tackle problems as they arise. You rely on yourself and trust common sense to get things done in nearly all circumstances.
If you choose to become a parent you do not feel the need to impose yourself or your standards on your children the way others do. In your eyes your children are individuals and you will respond to each of them according to their situations at any given time. Your spouse and your children know that you will give them the freedom and space they need to be their own person and you expect the same treatment in return.
You know what tastes good, what feels good against your skin, and what smells satisfy you. Of all personality types, yours is first to notice the signs of hunger, fatigue, sleepiness or discomfort in your body, and you can get quite irritable and distracted if those issues are not resolved in a timely fashion. Because you are attentive to the needs of your body you are likely to stop and remedy such issues before they become a problem.
Your level of conformity to any group is always negotiable. One day you may be an excited participant, but in general you find groups and strangers to be irritating. As a teenager you exhibited anti-social behaviors, and as an adult you've learned tact, but in your heart you still prefer the private company of a few close friends, or time completely alone, to time with any particular large social group of people.
You really want to like people, and there are some that you truly love, but you take each new person in a group as an individual. You maintain your individual personality in any group and are repelled when people pressure you to conform. If you do participate regularly in any social group it is with minimal investment of your feelings. You are something of an observer even while being a participant, and it takes very little to convince you that you need a break or to leave the group altogether.
You're always looking for someone new when you're single. Much more than other types it's important to you that your romantic partners are physically attractive, the more extremely attractive the better, and you're willing to forgo some of the deep emotional connection for someone who physically turns you on. That trade is necessary most of the time because you're simply that much smarter than most people.
All of this makes you quite an ironic mix of personality traits. You have a stoic, unbending exterior. You have a passionate, porn star interior. And then to top it all off, you have a massive, tender heart. When you do finally get into a relationship you love much more deeply than most people. Someone with all that you have to give truly deserves a partner with the same amount to give back. People at your level are few and far between, but the relationships created by bringing you and your match together are closer and more passionate than any other, so our system specializes in matching exactly your type.
You were built for romantic relationships and your relationships are more passionate and intense than those of other types. Your big picture skill for seeing the best way to clear out the logjam of the moment is based on the same trait that makes you disinclined toward mundane and routine tasks. In studies of high chemistry old married couples, the highest chemistry matches were those where your type was paired with someone who, among other things, balances you in that way. Your match is a detail person who takes care of the paperwork while you invent things and keep things light and fun.
You prefer work where you can see the completed results when you're done. Rather than focus on the same project for ten years before seeing results, you're the type that would like to refine your skills over time by repeatedly using them to produce visible results on a much faster basis. Your strong personality and high intelligence end up landing you in leadership positions more often than you'd prefer, simply because you know how to get things done and other people don't. We find most people of your type in criminal justice, art, teaching and freelance/entrepreneur-type work.
One thing that makes eChemistry different from other personality profiling sites is that we don't try to pigeonhole you. We want to know the actual reality of what it's like to be you. Here are the actual answers typed into our personality test by people who came out as having a very similar personality to you. There is no better teacher than experience, see if you can find your own pattern for what people who are a lot like you end up enjoying as careers.
You hate to be bored and love to be entertained. You want entertainment that stimulates you and makes you laugh.
Your type is called 'The Surprise Philosopher.' You are steady and reliable and talk less than the people around you. You are laid back and fun to hang out with and at the same time have an underlying intensity in everything you do. You hate to be bored, so you're likely to try new things to keep life interesting.
You are intensely passionate. That last sentence could be in all capitals it's so vital to your character. You love absolutely and completely, and you simply cannot get naked enough when the action starts. You work hard and you play hard, and your romantic relationships are much more passionate behind closed doors than your coworkers would guess from your mild, unassuming exterior.
There's a hard edge to your personality which really tests who is worth your time. You are probably quite sarcastic, or at least have gone through very sarcastic periods. You simply don't put on a facade when someone is being an idiot, and that blunt honesty keeps idiots at a distance.
You see situations for exactly what they are, and you state reality so bluntly that people can't help but go along with what you see. You don't get bogged down in procedures or theories, you just do what needs to be done and get things over with. You don't want to exert yourself any more than you have to, so you become an expert at using tools to the maximum advantage so that the time you spend working is extremely efficient in getting results. You excel at finding novel approaches to solving problems because of this and are somewhat of an inventor.
You are definitely an idea person. You come up with concepts for new businesses or products all the time without even trying. You are a natural born entrepreneur and, more than other types, are likely to work for yourself, even as a contractor to someone else, rather than work in a regular 9 to 5 job. You are incredibly skilled with problem solving and not inclined towards desk work. In fact, paperwork can slip through the cracks for you. You avoid all mundane, repetitive, boring work and excel at anything requiring physical skill and finding solutions to surprise problems.
You're called the Surprise Philosopher because you spend so much time in the background, particularly in groups, and just when you've blended totally in you're likely to say something really abstract and meaningful and people are likely to turn their heads in wonder that you were just hanging in the flow a moment before and suddenly reached such a deep level. You spend so much time in your own mind that you simply listened to the topic, then took it step by step, breaking it down, and came out with your final conclusion without verbally helping everyone else along your train of thought. When the conversation turns toward the philosophical topic you've brought up you're likely to tire of repeating yourself while others catch up to what you were thinking.
You communicate more through actions than words. You learn by doing, rather than by hearing, seeing or reading. Standard grade school was not intended for students like you, and you probably found it incredibly tedious and boring.
You were designed to use your hands and mind to master tools which other people cannot. When introduced to new tools, including weapons, your skill develops faster and further, and you speak more technically about it than others could, even if they were given more time and practice. You are drawn to music and, if you try, you find that you are much more of a natural at playing instruments than other people. You want to be comfortable and secure and you excel at anything which helps advance those goals.
You feel most comfortable when other people don't know exactly what to expect from you. If people can't stereotype you then you're less vulnerable and you have more options to do whatever you'd like without it being particularly shocking to anyone. In fact, even those close to you never know whether you'll respond to something with instant enthusiasm or reserved thought.
You particularly enjoy unexpectedly stepping up to tackle a mechanical or instrument problem and then solving it with ease, although you'll steer clear if the problem involves people or attitudes. If you absolutely must refer to the directions then you will read only the part which specifically applies to the problem at hand. You like work which has a definite end, a completion point, rather than 'research' or 'administration' which could continue on forever.
You are observant and will watch your environment, collecting data, constantly. This makes you especially valuable in an emergency because you are the most likely to have spotted things going wrong and know the source of problems before anyone else.
You don't waste energy on creating plans which might not work out. You prefer to face each day anew and tackle problems as they arise. You rely on yourself and trust common sense to get things done in nearly all circumstances.
If you choose to become a parent you do not feel the need to impose yourself or your standards on your children the way others do. In your eyes your children are individuals and you will respond to each of them according to their situations at any given time. Your spouse and your children know that you will give them the freedom and space they need to be their own person and you expect the same treatment in return.
You know what tastes good, what feels good against your skin, and what smells satisfy you. Of all personality types, yours is first to notice the signs of hunger, fatigue, sleepiness or discomfort in your body, and you can get quite irritable and distracted if those issues are not resolved in a timely fashion. Because you are attentive to the needs of your body you are likely to stop and remedy such issues before they become a problem.
Your level of conformity to any group is always negotiable. One day you may be an excited participant, but in general you find groups and strangers to be irritating. As a teenager you exhibited anti-social behaviors, and as an adult you've learned tact, but in your heart you still prefer the private company of a few close friends, or time completely alone, to time with any particular large social group of people.
You really want to like people, and there are some that you truly love, but you take each new person in a group as an individual. You maintain your individual personality in any group and are repelled when people pressure you to conform. If you do participate regularly in any social group it is with minimal investment of your feelings. You are something of an observer even while being a participant, and it takes very little to convince you that you need a break or to leave the group altogether.
You're always looking for someone new when you're single. Much more than other types it's important to you that your romantic partners are physically attractive, the more extremely attractive the better, and you're willing to forgo some of the deep emotional connection for someone who physically turns you on. That trade is necessary most of the time because you're simply that much smarter than most people.
All of this makes you quite an ironic mix of personality traits. You have a stoic, unbending exterior. You have a passionate, porn star interior. And then to top it all off, you have a massive, tender heart. When you do finally get into a relationship you love much more deeply than most people. Someone with all that you have to give truly deserves a partner with the same amount to give back. People at your level are few and far between, but the relationships created by bringing you and your match together are closer and more passionate than any other, so our system specializes in matching exactly your type.
You were built for romantic relationships and your relationships are more passionate and intense than those of other types. Your big picture skill for seeing the best way to clear out the logjam of the moment is based on the same trait that makes you disinclined toward mundane and routine tasks. In studies of high chemistry old married couples, the highest chemistry matches were those where your type was paired with someone who, among other things, balances you in that way. Your match is a detail person who takes care of the paperwork while you invent things and keep things light and fun.
You prefer work where you can see the completed results when you're done. Rather than focus on the same project for ten years before seeing results, you're the type that would like to refine your skills over time by repeatedly using them to produce visible results on a much faster basis. Your strong personality and high intelligence end up landing you in leadership positions more often than you'd prefer, simply because you know how to get things done and other people don't. We find most people of your type in criminal justice, art, teaching and freelance/entrepreneur-type work.
One thing that makes eChemistry different from other personality profiling sites is that we don't try to pigeonhole you. We want to know the actual reality of what it's like to be you. Here are the actual answers typed into our personality test by people who came out as having a very similar personality to you. There is no better teacher than experience, see if you can find your own pattern for what people who are a lot like you end up enjoying as careers.
You hate to be bored and love to be entertained. You want entertainment that stimulates you and makes you laugh.
In response...
Okay, so this is in response to my sis-in-law Ticia's personality test results. I think it is fairly accurate, though they seem to have left out the interpersonal aspects of my life. What do you think?
Ever since you were a child you questioned those in authority, not explicitly trusting teachers or other leaders to really be qualified enough to deliver the instruction they were delivering. You were open to their thoughts, but quick to identify biases or knowledge gaps in those in authority positions.
In fact, skepticism is one of your defining traits. You don’t trust titular authority, appearances, beliefs, traditions, customs, reputation, degrees, or credentials awarded by any agency or school. This is not conspiracy thinking or suspicion of bad intent, but an honest impersonal belief that no one holds anyone or anything to the high, accurate, objective standard that you do. You will be the judge of someone’s competence and no prior ratings by anyone else will sway your impartial evaluation.
You define time by the event, rather than the opposite. You are certainly capable of making and keeping appointments by clock time (although you’re often a few minutes late) but in your mind you are living in a time interval based on a concept, activity or stage which you can clearly define. For you, a time period ends when a certain activity ceases, when a goal is reached, or when your attention naturally shifts rather than when a certain clock alignment occurs.
You see connections between concepts that others do not, and must sometimes stop to check in with your audience to see if you’ve made intuitive leaps that left them far behind. This talent for connecting what, to others, seem like totally unrelated ideas gives you a flair for invention. When you see a problem, you naturally apply technique or theory from an entirely different system and are the most likely type to make a conceptual, inventive breakthrough. People still tour the home of one of the most famous of your type, Thomas Jefferson, to marvel at all the contraptions (automatic double doors, mechanized copies of handwritten letters, revolving bookstand, etc) which he created nearly 200 years ago.
You quickly brush aside prejudice, convention, custom and tradition for what works and produces results.
You are particularly concerned with the proper definition and usage of individual words. For example, you are likely to notice the error if someone describes something as “very unique.” If something is “unique” then it is incomparable to anything else. It can therefore not be qualified with the word “very,” because that word is necessarily used for comparison. You economize with language, using the fewest words, each highly defined, to get a point across assuming that others will feel bored or insulted if you over-explain something.
You are prone to understatement. You will always err on the side of saying slightly too little, estimating slightly more problems or more cost in terms of time or money, slightly less exciting or beneficial results. This is done completely logically and you could go into more specific estimations if you thought the receiver would take such predictions logically, realistically and unemotionally.
Your special talent is understanding and optimizing complex systems. You can quickly explain how you personally fit into macro and micro social and economic machinery.
You are objective and when your friends come to you they know they can count on you to deliver the blunt truth. You recover quickly, if flinching at all, when someone puts you down or criticizes you personally. You realize that either the critique was deserved and you intend to correct it, or the person delivering it was incorrectly biased or misinformed and therefore the criticism was inaccurate and inapplicable. When you criticize yourself it is usually merciless and totally out of proportion to the issue needing correction.
You are known for your impatience with ignorance, incompetence, small talk, fake people, or too much time given to a small matter. You bring total involvement and attention to each moment in life.
As a parent you encourage individuality in your child. You particularly enjoy debating topics with your child. You encourage your children to be original, think actively, and take action on their own.
You face each activity with self-improvement in mind. While others think of games, work, even social events as a mere passage of time, you engage each activity as an opportunity to further develop your mastery of the skills involved. For you, even relaxation is done with a sense of duty to optimize the rejuvenating effects.
Plato said that the function of your type is to study nature and figure out ways to tame it. You are an intellectual and enjoy logical investigation and theory building. You are honored when someone asks you to explain the rationale behind your latest project, but often find the audience uninterested in nearly the level of detail with which you are capable of discussing.
You respect yourself to the degree that you act independent of the impositions of other people. You would never just “go with the flow.” Your mind is always in motion and every action you take is by conscious choice.
Your type becomes most obvious in traumatic, stressful situations. While the rest of the world goes insane, you are the one who remains calm and collected, mainly because you realize that this is the best mindset for understanding and resolving whatever issues are at hand.
You are a true utilitarian. Your hallmark is your nearly empty refrigerator, containing exactly enough food for your next food interval and nothing more.
You have a wide variety of hobbies which get sporadic attention. Others may become frustrated with the fact that you start many projects but finish few.
You always scored well on standardized tests, partially because they are most often created by people who are a lot like you.
Ever since you were a child you questioned those in authority, not explicitly trusting teachers or other leaders to really be qualified enough to deliver the instruction they were delivering. You were open to their thoughts, but quick to identify biases or knowledge gaps in those in authority positions.
In fact, skepticism is one of your defining traits. You don’t trust titular authority, appearances, beliefs, traditions, customs, reputation, degrees, or credentials awarded by any agency or school. This is not conspiracy thinking or suspicion of bad intent, but an honest impersonal belief that no one holds anyone or anything to the high, accurate, objective standard that you do. You will be the judge of someone’s competence and no prior ratings by anyone else will sway your impartial evaluation.
You define time by the event, rather than the opposite. You are certainly capable of making and keeping appointments by clock time (although you’re often a few minutes late) but in your mind you are living in a time interval based on a concept, activity or stage which you can clearly define. For you, a time period ends when a certain activity ceases, when a goal is reached, or when your attention naturally shifts rather than when a certain clock alignment occurs.
You see connections between concepts that others do not, and must sometimes stop to check in with your audience to see if you’ve made intuitive leaps that left them far behind. This talent for connecting what, to others, seem like totally unrelated ideas gives you a flair for invention. When you see a problem, you naturally apply technique or theory from an entirely different system and are the most likely type to make a conceptual, inventive breakthrough. People still tour the home of one of the most famous of your type, Thomas Jefferson, to marvel at all the contraptions (automatic double doors, mechanized copies of handwritten letters, revolving bookstand, etc) which he created nearly 200 years ago.
You quickly brush aside prejudice, convention, custom and tradition for what works and produces results.
You are particularly concerned with the proper definition and usage of individual words. For example, you are likely to notice the error if someone describes something as “very unique.” If something is “unique” then it is incomparable to anything else. It can therefore not be qualified with the word “very,” because that word is necessarily used for comparison. You economize with language, using the fewest words, each highly defined, to get a point across assuming that others will feel bored or insulted if you over-explain something.
You are prone to understatement. You will always err on the side of saying slightly too little, estimating slightly more problems or more cost in terms of time or money, slightly less exciting or beneficial results. This is done completely logically and you could go into more specific estimations if you thought the receiver would take such predictions logically, realistically and unemotionally.
Your special talent is understanding and optimizing complex systems. You can quickly explain how you personally fit into macro and micro social and economic machinery.
You are objective and when your friends come to you they know they can count on you to deliver the blunt truth. You recover quickly, if flinching at all, when someone puts you down or criticizes you personally. You realize that either the critique was deserved and you intend to correct it, or the person delivering it was incorrectly biased or misinformed and therefore the criticism was inaccurate and inapplicable. When you criticize yourself it is usually merciless and totally out of proportion to the issue needing correction.
You are known for your impatience with ignorance, incompetence, small talk, fake people, or too much time given to a small matter. You bring total involvement and attention to each moment in life.
As a parent you encourage individuality in your child. You particularly enjoy debating topics with your child. You encourage your children to be original, think actively, and take action on their own.
You face each activity with self-improvement in mind. While others think of games, work, even social events as a mere passage of time, you engage each activity as an opportunity to further develop your mastery of the skills involved. For you, even relaxation is done with a sense of duty to optimize the rejuvenating effects.
Plato said that the function of your type is to study nature and figure out ways to tame it. You are an intellectual and enjoy logical investigation and theory building. You are honored when someone asks you to explain the rationale behind your latest project, but often find the audience uninterested in nearly the level of detail with which you are capable of discussing.
You respect yourself to the degree that you act independent of the impositions of other people. You would never just “go with the flow.” Your mind is always in motion and every action you take is by conscious choice.
Your type becomes most obvious in traumatic, stressful situations. While the rest of the world goes insane, you are the one who remains calm and collected, mainly because you realize that this is the best mindset for understanding and resolving whatever issues are at hand.
You are a true utilitarian. Your hallmark is your nearly empty refrigerator, containing exactly enough food for your next food interval and nothing more.
You have a wide variety of hobbies which get sporadic attention. Others may become frustrated with the fact that you start many projects but finish few.
You always scored well on standardized tests, partially because they are most often created by people who are a lot like you.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Goodbye...
Okay, so I said Goodbye. I wonder how long it will last. I am weak. And I love. I just want to know that he is happy. And then maybe I can rest. And then maybe I can breathe again. And then maybe I will quit dying this slow painful death. And then maybe I can start to live again. But maybe not. Maybe not. Ever. That's all, Goodbye.
Well...
Okay, so I took the night off of work last night. I did it because i didn't feel well. I haven't felt "well" in days. My head hurts. Actually my brain hurts, from thinking too much and too long about problems that have no solutions. My eyes hurt, from crying too many useless tears. My heart hurts, for all the pain I have caused to all the people I love so much. I slept alot last night. The constant sleepiness of depression is starting to beat out the constant sleeplessness of stress. You would think that would be a good thing. Sleep. But I feel more tired now than I have in months. My brain does not seem to be working properly. My head is spinning. My heart is breaking. I am broken. I can not be fixed. I do not care anymore. That's all, bye.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
If it is true that I think therefore I am, if I quit thinking, am I not?...
Okay, so I am an emotional train wreck just waiting to happen. It seems everyone who loves me ends up as fucked up as me in the end. I don't know what it is about me that takes perfectly ordinary lives, and turns everything into a complete disarray. I have made a mess of my own life. And now apparently I have made a complete mess of the hubby's and The Honey's lives as well. To be honest though, they both need to be able to admit their own fault in all of this. I did none of this alone. I did it all hand in hand with each of them. But it seems that the simple act of loving me, is a sure way to bring about your downfall. By loving me they opened themselves up to the strange and often sad consequences of it all. I am cursed. I am doomed to be unhappy despite any and all efforts to the contrary. All the men I have truly loved in my life turn out to be exactly the same in the end. Less than what I need. All the men in my life that have truly loved me (There are more of them than those that I have loved in return.) end up exactly the same in the end. Miserable with me, miserable without me. I am less than what they need. I am less than what they deserved. I am less than what they thought I was. I am less. What I keep looking for is someone who will pick up all the pieces of me, and make me complete again. I thought I had found it. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I got to be whole. I guess the problem with that kind of thinking is that there seems to be something missing all the time. One piece of the puzzle that can never be found again. I think maybe the dog ate it when it fell to the floor, a long time ago, and so the men who profess to love me just keep looking for it in vain. I have decided to just give up. I have decided that I need to just keep my love hidden, and never share it. When I do, the consequences are too much to bear. The pain becomes too great. It is not worth the risk. I do not set out to hurt anyone, but that seems as though it is the only possible outcome of my love. I destroy. I tear apart hearts, and lives. I leave people bleeding in the streets. I end up there as well. I can't take this kind of pain anymore. I do not have the strength. I am weak. I am helpless. I need to be saved from myself. I do not want to hurt anymore. I do not want to bleed love and pain all mixed up like some sick sweet cocktail for the amusement of others. I want to end it. To release myself from this agony I feel all the time. I want to disappear from the world as though I never existed at all. I am not worth saving. I am not worth loving. And in the end, ultimately, I am not worth anything at all, to anyone. I am hopeless, and helpless, and faithless, and scared, and scarred, and trying so hard, and never getting anywhere, and ready to just say fuck it all, and I do not want to be. I just do not want to BE. If it is true that I think therefore I am, if I quit thinking, am I not? Wow, insanity rears it's ugly head at the most inopportune times doesn't it? That's all, Bye.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
To be loved enough...
Okay, so I know many of you are wondering what exactly has happened. I think most of you can guess. I am staying at home right now, or at Toni's, if the mood strikes me. The hubby and I have been talking. He says he loves me still, despite what has happened. The Honey says he loves me still, despite what has happened. I am not sure where I am. The truly sad part of all of this, is that I really do believe that both of these men love me. I feel it in my soul. But. And this is a huge but...neither of them loves me enough. See, that really is what is most important isn't it? To be loved enough. To be loved enough to be first. And I am not. I do not think I ever will be. I have a lot of thinking to do over the next little while. A lot of thinking about what I really want. What I really need. And how I can get what I want and need. I need to decide what it is I am going to do. Decide how I want the rest of my life to go. Decide if I continue settling for less than everything I want, or do I strike out on my own, all alone in this world, and start again. New. Fresh. And hope that someday, someone who really means it says that they love me. Someone who is willing to give me everything of him. I know it is not likely. But, one can dream, can't one? That's all, I will keep you posted. Goodnight.
The many phases of me...
Okay, so I got my picture done for my ID at my new facility. I kept my old ID just so I could look at the two pictures and remind myself how far I have come, and where I am ultimately going. I could just post the picture from my ID and be done with it, but really, what everybody sees when they see me is not what I see when I look at myself. So, I played with my photo editor a bit, and I came up with some pictures that show my feelings, instead of my face. Here goes it...
That's all, Goodnight.
That's all, Goodnight.
Friday, October 5, 2007
No greater wrath...
Okay, so I know now who it was that started all this shit. Her name is *. Her phone number is *. Her email address is (Note* I have since calmed down a bit, and thought twice about what I did. I do not generally fly off the handle like that, and I will not repost her personal information. My hurt and anger will not make it an okay thing to do, and I regret that I reacted in a manner other than my true nature.*) And this is the letter I sent to her.
Sue,
Funny how you seem to think you know all the answers. You sit here and put me down for having my little online fling (Note* I will concede at this point, that it is much more than just a "little online fling". I fell in love with someone else. That is no small thing, for me to fall in love. It is not something I take lightly. Those are not words I just throw around like most people. I did not intend it to happen. He became my very best friend in the world, and the love grew from there.), yet you know nothing of the real story. You obviously did not read my entire blog. If you had, you would have been able to see the progression of all this for what it was. A very lonely and desperate woman who has been living in an awful marriage for far to long, fighting to make things right and always getting nothing for all the effort. Has Jimmy bothered to tell you about all of his affairs? How about the alcoholism? Or the beatings I have suffered at his hands? Has he told you about those? Has he told you that we don't talk anymore? That we almost never have sex? That he tells me I am fat? That I am worthless? That no one else in the world would want (to use his words) "A big fat nasty rolly polly pig bitch like you"? Has he told you how he takes HIS money and runs off for three or four days at a time leaving me to figure out how to pay the bills and feed the kids on my income alone? Has he told you that he gets drunk and cuts himself, and wipes his blood on me after choking me? Has he told you that he cashed in the money order I got to pay the gas bill, and now with winter just around the corner they have shut off my gas, so that I have no heat for my girls? Did he tell you that he put us back in debt after I busted my ass working to get us out, just so that he could own another hundred models that he doesn't even build? Has he told you that for the last fifteen years he has used porn to masturbate after refusing me for sex? Has he told you how he has ignored every single Christmas and birthday and anniversary we have ever shared? Has he told you about getting drunk and coming home on Christmas eve and tearing apart the tree in front of my children? Has he told you how he yells at me? Berates me? Belittles me for his amusement? Has he told you that he told me to have cyber sex with Tommy..that I would be doing it for "The Corps"? Has he told you that he told me to call Tommy so that I would maybe leave him alone, and quit asking him to talk to me? Has he told you that he talked to Tommy on the phone, and told him that it was fine? Has he told you that he did hit me in front of my children, and then called one of Tommy's children and told her that her father was cheating on her mother? No, I do not guess he did. I am guessing that had you bothered to really read my blog, maybe you would have thought twice about sticking your nose in where it didn't belong. But maybe if my husband wasn't sneaking around talking to you...oh yes, he has been very quiet about you Sue...then maybe all of this would have just happened at the pace it was supposed to, and I could have left without all the bruises. So Thank You Sue. Thank You for the beating. Thank You from my children for being awakened at 3 am to their mother getting beat on by their father. Thank You from Tommy, who now has to convince his children that he still loves them. Thank You for your concern for the welfare of people whose lives you really had no clue about, but felt compelled to interfere with, you self serving cunt. You like my husband so much? Take him, he is yours. I don't want him anymore. May you have better luck with him than I ever had. But let me just say this...If you ever interfere with MY life again, I will find you, and I will beat you oh so much worse than Jimmy has ever beaten me, and I will give you just a small taste of the hell I have lived for 15 years you stupid bitch!!!
Quite honestly it is a good thing she is not just across town. For the pain she has caused my children, and Tommy's children, I think I would literally beat her to death if I got my hands on her. Jimmy and I are adults. Tommy and his wife as well. We are all capable of dealing with the bullshit we cause. But I love my kids more than my life, and I love Tommy's kids because they are a part of him. And i will fight to the death to protect them all! So anyone who hurts them, any of them, has to deal with me. Don't ever fuck with me again Sue. You will not like the consequences. That's all, Goodbye.
(NOTE*** After calming down and breathing again (inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale), I realize how childishly and ridiculously I responded to this woman who didn't know any better. I was just furious because someone who had the whole story at her fingertips for the taking, did not take the time to take the whole story into consideration before stirring up so much shit for all the people I love most in this world. I now regret my behaviour, not because of her, but because that is not my normal behaviour. That's all, Bye.)
Sue,
Funny how you seem to think you know all the answers. You sit here and put me down for having my little online fling (Note* I will concede at this point, that it is much more than just a "little online fling". I fell in love with someone else. That is no small thing, for me to fall in love. It is not something I take lightly. Those are not words I just throw around like most people. I did not intend it to happen. He became my very best friend in the world, and the love grew from there.), yet you know nothing of the real story. You obviously did not read my entire blog. If you had, you would have been able to see the progression of all this for what it was. A very lonely and desperate woman who has been living in an awful marriage for far to long, fighting to make things right and always getting nothing for all the effort. Has Jimmy bothered to tell you about all of his affairs? How about the alcoholism? Or the beatings I have suffered at his hands? Has he told you about those? Has he told you that we don't talk anymore? That we almost never have sex? That he tells me I am fat? That I am worthless? That no one else in the world would want (to use his words) "A big fat nasty rolly polly pig bitch like you"? Has he told you how he takes HIS money and runs off for three or four days at a time leaving me to figure out how to pay the bills and feed the kids on my income alone? Has he told you that he gets drunk and cuts himself, and wipes his blood on me after choking me? Has he told you that he cashed in the money order I got to pay the gas bill, and now with winter just around the corner they have shut off my gas, so that I have no heat for my girls? Did he tell you that he put us back in debt after I busted my ass working to get us out, just so that he could own another hundred models that he doesn't even build? Has he told you that for the last fifteen years he has used porn to masturbate after refusing me for sex? Has he told you how he has ignored every single Christmas and birthday and anniversary we have ever shared? Has he told you about getting drunk and coming home on Christmas eve and tearing apart the tree in front of my children? Has he told you how he yells at me? Berates me? Belittles me for his amusement? Has he told you that he told me to have cyber sex with Tommy..that I would be doing it for "The Corps"? Has he told you that he told me to call Tommy so that I would maybe leave him alone, and quit asking him to talk to me? Has he told you that he talked to Tommy on the phone, and told him that it was fine? Has he told you that he did hit me in front of my children, and then called one of Tommy's children and told her that her father was cheating on her mother? No, I do not guess he did. I am guessing that had you bothered to really read my blog, maybe you would have thought twice about sticking your nose in where it didn't belong. But maybe if my husband wasn't sneaking around talking to you...oh yes, he has been very quiet about you Sue...then maybe all of this would have just happened at the pace it was supposed to, and I could have left without all the bruises. So Thank You Sue. Thank You for the beating. Thank You from my children for being awakened at 3 am to their mother getting beat on by their father. Thank You from Tommy, who now has to convince his children that he still loves them. Thank You for your concern for the welfare of people whose lives you really had no clue about, but felt compelled to interfere with, you self serving cunt. You like my husband so much? Take him, he is yours. I don't want him anymore. May you have better luck with him than I ever had. But let me just say this...If you ever interfere with MY life again, I will find you, and I will beat you oh so much worse than Jimmy has ever beaten me, and I will give you just a small taste of the hell I have lived for 15 years you stupid bitch!!!
Quite honestly it is a good thing she is not just across town. For the pain she has caused my children, and Tommy's children, I think I would literally beat her to death if I got my hands on her. Jimmy and I are adults. Tommy and his wife as well. We are all capable of dealing with the bullshit we cause. But I love my kids more than my life, and I love Tommy's kids because they are a part of him. And i will fight to the death to protect them all! So anyone who hurts them, any of them, has to deal with me. Don't ever fuck with me again Sue. You will not like the consequences. That's all, Goodbye.
(NOTE*** After calming down and breathing again (inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale), I realize how childishly and ridiculously I responded to this woman who didn't know any better. I was just furious because someone who had the whole story at her fingertips for the taking, did not take the time to take the whole story into consideration before stirring up so much shit for all the people I love most in this world. I now regret my behaviour, not because of her, but because that is not my normal behaviour. That's all, Bye.)
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