Okay, so have you ever noticed that no one ever seems to comment on the really important shit I write, but choose to save commenting for the pointless bullshit I put out there? Why is that? Why is it wheni say that i am falling the fuck apart at the seams no one says a fucking wrod, but let me write about some nonsensical bullshit that means nothing to no one (me included) and watch the responses. I am falling apart at the seams, if that matters to anyone. I am falling apart and I do not know how to fix it. i am crying right now, yeah I know, you thinkit is because I amdrunk, and you may be right, but it is also because the path i have chosen to walk is leading me to dark places, I worked until 11:30 tonight. I told the boss man that when he started sending people home I volunteered to be the first to go. so by the time I made it to the bar, I had a lot of catching up to do. I caught up like a champ. You would have been proud. Boss lady's brother kept trying to get me to leave wth him and go to another bar. At the end of the night Sisca (Fransisca) ((Boss Lady's daughter) brought me home as a way to avoid the inevitable explanation as to why I do not want to "Party" with her Uncle. She saw that he was hitting on me, and told him that she would drive me to breakfast, we didn't go, I came home instead. I am wearing a pair of Angel wings right now, i am not sure where they came from, or how I got them. I like them, they remind me of(***edited) How would I ever know? God, this is so fucked up. I am not supposed to give a shit right? I am not supposed to care like this. Why is this tearing my heart into shreds? It is all so stupid. I mean he is free to do what he likes with whomever he likes, same as me. In fact, he gave me permission to shave my legs. Lmao... okay I do not mean permission like you are thinking and this makes no sense to you. It doesn't matter, it makes perfect sense to me....just let me say this.... sometimes it isnice to feel that you "belong" to someone. Not that you are owned, but that they care enough to ask you NOT to shave your legs. See, I choose not to shave my legs, not because I think that i will do something bad, but because I am saying that I ((***Edited***) just not to tell you really hurts, like you don't care, like it is not important to you.... ugh, see this is why I do not blog while drunk.. okay I do it all the time, I just beat most of you here in the morning and delete it before you all read my silly drunken ramblings. I start out blogging and end up writing personal emails instead.. wtf is wrong with me? I did shave my legs tonight before I went to work, but still, I did not do anything I would be ashamed to talk about to anyone...(***Edited here to protect myself from ranting hubby if he reads this).... and i am just going on and on,and nothing makes sense, and the florida beach bimbo is crushing me, and I am reeling, and I am lonely, (***And again here... wow.. i get really telling when I am drinking) Does that shit come with a personal slave? and the job market sucks unless you have a degree or three, and i was looking at that too, and do you want me to (***edited) I just think i need to go pass out, and wake up feeling a little hungover, and a lot happier, cause right now i am spinning, and the room is unstable, or maybe it is my mind, and that's all, goodnight.
***Author's note*** I have edited out portions of this post as a way of keeping some privacy in my life from prying eyes. I would normally delete this entire post as I usually remove anything written while drunk, but seeing that my new friend Mary has commented on this post, and i started with a rant about no one ever commenting on the important things, i feel that it is important to keep this one, at least for a little while. Other than removing sections that may cause a lot of problems, I made no changes to this post. No spell check, no grammar corrections, just me, in the raw, hurting and vulnerable, and putting it all out there on the line.. wow... sometimes i frighten myself with how intensely I feel things... That's all, Bye.
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4 comments:
My sober reply to your drunken post.
Easier said than done maybe, but you could choose to stop drinking.
If when you drink things get really dark, then find a way to get yourself out of it.
If you drink because sober, your world is dark, then find something else to do in your life that will bring happiness.
If you just like drinking... then drink. I mean, I am certainly NOT judging. I am just giving suggestions because you said no one comments on the important shit.
But what is important and what is not is only up to you to decide. None of us walk in your shoes so messaging about some stuff is always risky because you could piss someone off or say something that doesn't make sense having not all the details. Having said that.....
If you go to work, go to the bar, go to work, go to the bar, go to work, go to the bar and you feel like your life is falling apart.... look for a different type of work and stop going to the bar. ;)
Okay... Mrs. SAHM who makes beaded jewelry and spends her spare time at the bookstore and the craft shop has no idea what life you lead... Fine, I get that. I absolutely do. We can all look at others and make comments without knowing 90% of the shit going on in their worlds.
But I'm just saying that you have to try and figure out what would make you happiest at the moment.
I saw the picture you posted awhile back of 'the honey' and yeah, I guess he's a cutie. You prolly go to sleep hoping his face will invade your dreams. BUT if he's married and you're married, yada yada yada, then where's it going? And now if he has another 'friend' in Florida that he's told you about, maybe this guy is getting off on it all. Of course I don't know him either and not really meaning to be nasty, BUT
if he spends hours and hours and hours on the phone with you.... and possibly doing the same with another chick, would you ever want to be his wife or in his wife's position??? Okay, it's one thing to have a good friendship and be email or blog buddies.... that's harmless enough and plenty of people enjoy those relationships....but you obviously want more. Does he? And if his wife found out would she fight for him and who would he choose in that case. Complicated.
The two of you could go on pining away for each other and never make any changes in your lives to bring the relationship to the next level if that were an option.
It's weird how maybe when you can't have someone... you think it would be glorious to be with them all the time, but maybe the two of you never made the move because you know life doesn't really work that way.
Anyway.... I sound drunk now.
LOL
Dawn, I really don't know exactly what to say. I enjoy reading your posts whether you do them drunk or sober, because it's your life and I really am not about judging people. Don't go by this comment post tho. We read others shit maybe because it's a time out from our own lives. Mine certainly isn't perfect. Yeah, I'm married to a good guy and my kids are decent and we all live together, pretty happily at the moment. We don't have alot of money, and live in a small house but still manage to enjoy the little things in life and have some fun too.
BUT at any second for a bazillion reasons, that could all come crashing down. I won't even go into some of the stories of friends who have had their worlds shattered by tragedy when things were going along pretty well. We're all only a few steps from some unknown scary shit no doubt about it. We just all deal with it differently.
Hope things look better to you when you get back to your blog page today. Happy Sunday!
I'm off now to foodshop.
Peace, Mary
Mary,
The drinking is a fairly recent thing in my life... oh I used to party like a rock star when i was younger, but family obligations and just plain growing up put the kebosh on that long ago. Maybe i am just having a mid-life (a little early) crisis. I do not go to the bar every night, in fact I do not even go every week. When I do it is out with friends for a good time, and while I get nicely drunk, it is the rare occasion that I get drunk enough to do anything that is very much outside of what is normal behaviour for me. I go to the bar, have some drinks, dance a lot, and go home alone. I may flirt a bit, but it does not go beyond that, and I do not drive while drinking, ever! Hell, I do not even drive with someone else who is drunk. As for the odd relationship with The Honey, I know all those things, still I have fallen in love, not something I do easily or take lightly, as to where it is all headed, I have no fucking clue whatsoever. I just know that the time i spend with him, is the time I am happiest, and the time that i feel most complete. You are right, I want more, but i am not able to say what he wants, or what ever will be, I just know that I love him, and I believe that he loves me.... but I guess we can never really know the secrets of someone else's heart. All I can do at this point is wait and see what happens.. so you will probably have to read about more of my whining that I do not have him as mine.. lol.. It is due to the fact that I am all too aware that anything could happen to completly destroy things in my life, that I have reached the point of wanting to make changes that will find me a bit of happiness. I am willing to take the steps I need to take to get that litle slice of heaven I have always been searching for. We will see. I will keep you posted.... And by the way, how are you doing these days? (Both physically and emotionally) I know you said you were having some health issues, and I did not want to pry, because we do not know each other that well, but i am concerned, and I like you very much, and i would like to know that you are well. Hugs, Dawn
Oh I saw many fun parties in youth too....hmm,... the sailor blog was a funny remembrance from senior year... and mentions of adult halloweenie parties.... and just a bunch of other nights of harmless, but intoxicated fun. Hell, my parents let me have a KEG party complete with a band for my 16th birthday party. OMG, thinking back, I wonder if they were crazy!
These days... I'm about at my limit after only one beer. I like wine and champagne alot, but again... one or two glasses and I'm done. And if my heartbeat is wiggy, I can't take any at all. I haven't had heart problems specifically, but a murmur and some funky pvc's are enough to freak me out at times. Add to that severe anemia, we're talking almost to the point of transfusion, and I just can't always enjoy a drink without feeling it RACE.
I know a few girls who LOVE to go out dancing so that's a cool activity. The boys at the bar must love your 'voluptuousness' and shakin' the booty. LOL
I was always one for just putting the headphones on after everyone was in bed. B o r i n g.
Making changes does take some time so I'm sure you're trying to find your way the best you can. Continue to whine all you want and I'll wander by and read about things.
Thanks for asking about me. I think I will always have some physical and emotional issues to deal with. Heredity will see to that. And day to day life, right?
I have been seeing some docs lately. A chiropractor for one as my crafting for hours on end... and computer time... has my upper back and neck in a knot. I've gotten some relief there luckily.
I had some tummy troubles too, so went back to my favorite gastro guy. He's seen parts of me that hubby will never see, omg, have you ever had a colonoscopy?? YIKES. Let's not go there. My last one was a few years ago and I'm not looking forward to the next. So add to that a couple other things AND my family's medical needs at times and it just gets hard.
When I'm having some issues with health stuff, I tend to get panicky, then the insomnia kicks in, then I get worn down, and I have to work it all out.
I started Yoga again but am back to beginner status and it takes time to work up to getting in better shape.
You might as well just forget that picture of me in the purple shades, I'd LOVE to be that weight again, but just don't want to work that hard. Yoga is great, but it won't do it all. LOL
Have a great week! Chat soon.
Hugs, Mary
Mary,
In fact i have had a colonoscopy, really it wasn't that bad, I do not remember it, and I felt nothing, the worst part was knowing that a room full of people were staring into me, literally. (And of course the horrible sweet salty drink you have to take to "CLEANSE" before hand, what a nightmare, I never knew the human body held that much of anything!!!!) I am glad to know that despite a few problems (which you are taking care of) that you are okay. As for the "voluptuousness" of my body.. well I call myself Rubenesque.. lol...but getting less so everyday. In fact while I was dancing last night the whole bar almost got a free peek at my fun places, as my favorite jeans were sliding slowly off of my hips. Time to invest in a belt I suppose. Hugs, Dawn
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