Laugh with me...

I have just spent an hour or so laughing my ass off. Join me. http://hellboundsmoker.blogspot.com/ This guy is hilarious. My lil blog is just silly random thoughts of the day. This guy is comic genius. Enjoy.

That's all...

I just checked my GeoVisitors button, and think it is kind of cool. In the last twenty four hours, this page has been visited by someone in Italy, Turkey, Thailand, Mexico, Kansas, and the most important one, North Carolina. I am sure that all but one just kind of surfed in, and no one has signed the guestbook, or left a comment. But still, it is nice to know that more than one person knows my little blog exists. That's all.

The father I do not want...

I just got back from Eppley Airfield. I took my father because he had an early morning flight out to Los Angeles. He will be gone for just over three weeks. Thank God. I love my father, I am just tired of him living here. He has a whole barrel of issues. He is an alcoholic/addict. The addict side being much more prevalent these days. He does not use at my house. He knows better. I would call the police on him myself. I will not risk my children for anyone, not even him. He makes life here unbearable sometimes. He is much too harsh with my children. I find that rather odd considering that when I was a child, for the year or two that I lived with him, he took no notice whatsoever of what I was doing. Back then we kids had very few rules. And no consequences to breaking the few there were. But now, my children get yelled at by him for the slightest infraction. I find myself having to remind him that this is MY home and MY children, not his. I do not enjoy doing it. It causes even more tension, but my kids do not deserve that kind of treatment. I find the more he is here, the less I like him. I love him. I guess that is more instinct though, than earned. His presence also causes a strain in my marriage. Not because my hubby wants him gone and I do not, (The hubby is the one that told him he could stay again.) but his just being here does not allow for much intimacy. It is hard to cuddle on the couch with thoughts of romance when you know you might be interrupted by him at any minute. A closed bedroom door does not seem to indicate to him a want for privacy. The phone rings at strange times. And strangers come to my door at odd hours. They generally only do it once though, I must admit. I have a habit, good or bad you must decide, of rather forcefully informing people that it is MY phone and I do not accept calls after ten P.M. except for three reasons. The reasons I list are Amputation, Coma, or Death. And when strangers come to my door, they are greeted unhappily by me and my rather large and vicious looking (she would not hurt anyone unless I was in danger) dog. I am not polite. It is my house. I do not have to be. I will not lie to cover for things my father has done wrong. It is not in my nature to lie. I force him to live with the consequences of his actions. He doesn't seem to ever learn the lesson though. He does not work, and supporting a full grown man capable of holding down a job is getting quite old. When my Grandmother sent him the plane ticket, I was shocked to see that it was round trip. Granted both his daughters, and one of his sons live in this area, but he really has nothing to come back to. How long does he think I should be his keeper? You would think he would get tired of living life the way he does. Being a sponge. I would be terribly embarrassed to have to live off the kindness of one of my children, yet he has done this off and on, mostly on, for almost nine years now. I have kicked him out of my home numerous times. He always comes back eventually. Why we keep taking him in is a mystery to me. I guess it is because I have visions of him sleeping under a bridge, or being found dead in an alley that makes me do it. My head knows that that wouldn't happen. He can be very smooth when he wants to, and would find a way to survive. But my heart imagines all kinds of horrible outcomes to my turning him away. I have now supported him for six years longer than he ever supported me growing up. I do not owe him anything. I need to find a way to make him be responsible for himself, and not have the guilt that comes with the "tough love". I will figure it out. Eventually. But for now I plan on enjoying my family without him here. I will play music and let the kids dance til the wee morning hours with no fear that he will start whining. My daughter will be able to sleep in her own bed again. And I may get "romantic" with the hubby on the coffee table this weekend. In general, we will be the family that we are best at being. One that does not include my father.

My happy day...

Today I woke up too early. I don't know why, but I did. I hopped online, and had a nice surprise. My "cyber-boyfriend" was online. (There now I called ya that.. lol.) It was a good way to start my day. (insert my huge smile here.) Then it got even better. He called me. Now for those of you who do not know better, you are probably thinking poorly of me right now. It is not what you all are thinking. Get your minds up out of the gutter. He is my friend. A very good friend. We have been chatting online, off and on, for about eight or nine years. Wow. Eight plus years is a long time. Anyway, we have been buddies for a long time. I love him. I am not in love with him. Big difference. I could be, if things were different. But, they aren't. And I am not. The last time I heard his voice, was right after 9/11. Then I lost track of him for a long time. Far too long. So hearing his voice today was wonderful. We didn't talk about anything really important. We almost never do. I just enjoy his company. I love his mind. The way he thinks. The things he says that make me laugh. The way he calls me a "turd." The way we share music, and he listens to my strange choices. (Even when he doesn't want to.) He works alot. So do I, so we do not get to talk much. But he reads my blog faithfully, even when no one else does. And he sends me offlines to let me know he thinks about me. And I feel blessed to have him in my life. (And, YES, I did write this only for him.) Goodnight.

Darelle

Last night I was looking, sadly, forward to another night at home. I was going to clean a little. Read a little. Watch a few movies maybe. The hubby was off helping a friend find a leak in his roof and patching it. It was me, the kids, and my father who has yet again moved in with us when his last relationship went sour. I had just come home from going grocery shopping. I was dreading a boring evening ahead. I heard a loud roar from a car outside, coming down my street. Then the car stopped in my driveway. It was my nephew and my brother-in-law. I ran outside to hug my nephew. His name is Darelle, and I haven't seen him in ages. Of all my nieces and nephews on my husbands side of the family, he has always been my favorite. But he was a hard child to love. He was full of anger at all adults. He was full of anger at life. My husband and I took him in numerous times, when his mother would kick him out, or abandon him. I did my best with Darelle. I loved him without being loved in return. I made rules, and tried to get him to follow them. But he was not my child which he often pointed out to me. I worried about his future. I talked to him, constantly, about life and how it would treat him if he kept screwing around the way he was. He didn't believe me. He made life with him unbearable. His anger got even more out of control. I finally had to ask my brother-in law to take him, because I was concerned about the effect the constant turmoil was having on my own children. I cried for weeks knowing that I had become just one more adult who let him down. I didn't see Darelle for a few years. Then I was told he went to prison. He was caught in a stolen car. His younger cousin had stolen it and lied to Darelle about where it came from. They were just cruising around, being kids when they got pulled over. Darelle took the fall to keep his younger cousin out of jail. When I heard what happened, I was angry. Angry at the life Darelle had already had to suffer, and angry that he would be so stupid as to go to jail for someone else's crime. About two years ago, Darelle showed up at my door. He had been out of jail for more than a year. He was driving a decent car, and had money in his wallet. He had been working the same job for more than six months. He looked healthy, and relatively happy. He said he couldn't stay long, but that he had stopped by to thank me. I didn't know what he meant. He said he needed to thank me for loving him despite all his mistakes. He said that he knew that no matter what he had done that he could always show up on my doorstep, and I would make room for him. He said that rarely in his life did he feel loved like that, before or since. He told me that he did not blame me for asking him to leave when I did. That he knew he was out of control back then, and if the situation were reversed, he would have done the same for the sake of his kids. I asked about why he would go to jail for someone else. He explained that he thought his cousin had learned from his mistake, and that he felt his cousin had a better chance in the world than he did. He said he was afraid that jail would ruin the cousin for good. He also said that it was the best thing he ever did. He did not like jail he said, but it changed him. It helped him to grow up, and see that he had been wasting his life being angry. He has changed his life since then. Last night we went to the casino for awhile. Darelle, my brother-in-law and I. Eric won a few hundred, I won twenty bucks, and Darelle lost. He didn't get angry. He smiled and said he did not play any money he did not intend to lose. That was very grown up. We went back to my house, picked up the hubby and hit a bar in Omaha's Old Market District. It is called the Dubliner. Nice bar. I will never go there on a weekend night again. It was so crowded with college kids I could barely breathe. We had to scream for service. And the Jack and Cokes were too small. The hubby drank a few beers. (Guinness and Murphy's.) Eric drank the same. Darelle had one. He said he couldn't have more because he was driving. It sucked for him, but it was a very grown up decision. We had a nice time. I forgot how funny all the men in my life are when they all get together. I laughed so much that night that I was sore the next morning. I am so glad to have Darelle back in my life. They are supposed to come over for a barbecue next weekend. I can't wait.

A smile...

Tonight, I smiled. It was a long hard night at work tonight. I did a job no one else wanted to do. It wasn't that it is so awful. It is just that you walk. Constantly. For eight (or more) hours. I am exhausted. I realized tonight, that I really need to lose this baby weight. The baby is three now for God's sake. I also realized, I smoke too much. That pack and a half a day is killing me. I came home worn out. My back hurt. My feet hurt. I was cold, and wet. I was just going to check my email while I ate, jump in the shower, and call it a day. I started doing just that. But then a friend Instant Messaged me. She didn't say much except "Hello" and "Goodnight", but it was what I found while I was trying to get the computer to put her I.M. on top that made me smile. See, I had been missing someone. Someone who always brightens my days (or nights). And while I was trying to pull back up Paula's I.M., I noticed that I had about eight offline messages from the person I have been missing. No, they weren't still online. No, we didn't get to talk tonight. But just knowing that they are there, and they are thinking of me, while I think of them, well that is good enough for tonight. It made me smile. And that smile is something I have really been needing lately. Thank You Sweetheart. I miss you. I just wanted you to know how much. (They know who they are. The rest of you reading this...it is none of your business..). Goodnight!

I am sorry if I have neglected you...

I am sorry if I have neglected you. That's what I told myself today. I have been working so much lately. And trying to divide the rest of my time between my family and my friends. I often hear myself saying to them, that I am sorry I have neglected them. I feel bad if I am not always available when they need me or just want me for something. I feel bad taking a bath that is too long. Or wanting to be left alone to read a good book, or watch a good movie. I almost always make myself available. Friday, for example, I went to bed sometime around 3:30 am. When I fell asleep I could not tell you. But the alarm went off at 7:00, because I agreed to go to court with a dear friend who is having some difficulties right now. By the time we got home, I had just enough time to change and leave for work. No leisurely cup of coffee. No "Good-Morning America". Just up, dressed and running. Over the weekend I admit, I indulged myself a bit. I created excuses to stay home, and do nothing. The problem is this. Why do I feel the need to create excuses? What is wrong with me just saying "No."? Why do I feel bad if I do not want to do something someone else wants me to do? I seem to have fallen in to a habit of taking care of everyone around me. The hubby calls me "The Saviour of the World (One person at a time.)". What I want to know, is when is it my turn to be saved? Lately, I feel like I am drowning in everyone else's shit. And to be honest, I need hip-waders for my own. How can I help everyone else, when my own mind seems to be failing me? I could de-stress my life. I know how it can be done. But I don't think giving away my kids, killing the hubby, and burning down the house is a very good answer to my problems. (But it is okay to fantasize from time to time right?) I feel like lately, I am giving away so much of myself, that there is nothing left for me. I just wonder sometimes, how much more I have to give. I feel lost somehow. Drifting. Sad. I wonder if all the people I love, love me enough to notice, before it is too late. I wonder if they will see that I NEED too. I wonder if they will give back, and fill up my empty spaces, as I have tried so often to do for them. I hope so. I hope they catch on soon. Before my strength and my will abandon me. I apologised to myself today. I promised myself that my next day off will include a HOT cup of coffee in a mug, not a paper cup. A long hot bath, until there is no hot water left in the water heater. A good book. A short nap. A good movie or two. Maybe a long phone call with a friend not quite as needy as the ones I have been with lately. Maybe someone who lives far away, and doesn't want anything from me but my company. Someone who can make me smile. I miss smiling.