I am sorry if I have neglected you...

I am sorry if I have neglected you. That's what I told myself today. I have been working so much lately. And trying to divide the rest of my time between my family and my friends. I often hear myself saying to them, that I am sorry I have neglected them. I feel bad if I am not always available when they need me or just want me for something. I feel bad taking a bath that is too long. Or wanting to be left alone to read a good book, or watch a good movie. I almost always make myself available. Friday, for example, I went to bed sometime around 3:30 am. When I fell asleep I could not tell you. But the alarm went off at 7:00, because I agreed to go to court with a dear friend who is having some difficulties right now. By the time we got home, I had just enough time to change and leave for work. No leisurely cup of coffee. No "Good-Morning America". Just up, dressed and running. Over the weekend I admit, I indulged myself a bit. I created excuses to stay home, and do nothing. The problem is this. Why do I feel the need to create excuses? What is wrong with me just saying "No."? Why do I feel bad if I do not want to do something someone else wants me to do? I seem to have fallen in to a habit of taking care of everyone around me. The hubby calls me "The Saviour of the World (One person at a time.)". What I want to know, is when is it my turn to be saved? Lately, I feel like I am drowning in everyone else's shit. And to be honest, I need hip-waders for my own. How can I help everyone else, when my own mind seems to be failing me? I could de-stress my life. I know how it can be done. But I don't think giving away my kids, killing the hubby, and burning down the house is a very good answer to my problems. (But it is okay to fantasize from time to time right?) I feel like lately, I am giving away so much of myself, that there is nothing left for me. I just wonder sometimes, how much more I have to give. I feel lost somehow. Drifting. Sad. I wonder if all the people I love, love me enough to notice, before it is too late. I wonder if they will see that I NEED too. I wonder if they will give back, and fill up my empty spaces, as I have tried so often to do for them. I hope so. I hope they catch on soon. Before my strength and my will abandon me. I apologised to myself today. I promised myself that my next day off will include a HOT cup of coffee in a mug, not a paper cup. A long hot bath, until there is no hot water left in the water heater. A good book. A short nap. A good movie or two. Maybe a long phone call with a friend not quite as needy as the ones I have been with lately. Maybe someone who lives far away, and doesn't want anything from me but my company. Someone who can make me smile. I miss smiling.