Honey, you may want to skip this one...

Okay, so the hubby and I just got into yet another argument. He has informed me that next month when his railroad disability check arrives, he is going to take it and leave. I know it is just an idle threat, but I am to the point that despite the needed income he provides, and the free daycare that I get from having him around, I really just wish he would do it. Most of the time we just can not stand each other anymore. You know that expression that goes "I have one nerve left, and you are standing on it"? Well, he is not just standing on it, but he is jumping up and down on that fucker in his Doc Martins. I did something last night that I am not proud of, and probably some of you don't want to hear about, but this is my place to vent, so here I go. I actually had sex with the hubby for the first time in a VERY long time. I should have said no like I have been, but I was so desperate for the feel of someones hands on me other than my own, that I gave in. It was worse than ever. Once we started not only did I wish almost immediately that I hadn't done it, but I felt guilty about it for numerous reasons. I am not going to get into all of them right now, but one of them, is that by having sex with him, I am leading him to believe that I feel something I do not. And the worst part of it all, is that yet again, he couldn't or wouldn't finish what he started, so I went to sleep feeling worse than I had before it all. He swears it is all him, and has nothing to do with me, but well, I don't believe that any more than I believe anything else he says these days. I swear, having sex that ends like that is worse than no sex at all. I have gotten rather used to the no sex at all over the years. We went from the four or five times a day that happens in the very beginning of any sexual relationship, to having sex about once every three or four months for the past four or five years. In fact, I am not quite sure that my youngest was not a case of immaculate conception. If not, I became pregnant with her the one time in almost six months that we had sex that year. No matter what I have done over the last few years to try and make things better, they do not get any better. I gave up finally a few months back. If you have been with me that long, you will remember. I actually freed myself from the chains that bound me. Freed myself to love again, and to allow myself to be loved. It has been an exhilarating ride so far, full of ups and downs, and a few twists to the left. But I am glad to be taking that ride, and I will not ever again make the mistake of heading in reverse again. Last night taught me that. It taught me that moving forward is the only way to continue to feel joy, to feel peace, to feel loved, and wanted, and desired. And after all, isn't that what we are all looking for at it's most basic? That's all, Bye.