A little while longer...

Okay, so yesterday was pretty good all told. I got to talk to The Honey for about two hours, and that always makes for a good day. I made a mistake at one point though, and mentioned that although it is only mid-month, I am probably out of anytime minutes on my cell phone. (When he is working the night shift, we use my anytime minutes as opposed to the free nights and weekends we use when he works his normal shift.) He actually offered to send me money to pay the bill. What the fuck was he thinking? Okay, I know that you probably think it was sweet. And I guess it really is, but somehow having him pay the bill on the cell phone that my hubby bought for me would just make me feel, well, whorish. Toni tells me I am being ridiculous, and that it is just that he loves me and wants to help me, but something about the thought of taking money from him kinda freaks me out, so I just won't do it. Gifts, flowers, those things are fine, but any money he sends will only be donated in his name to my local animal shelter. (Sorry, that is just how it is baby.) We got off work a little bit early last night, I went to Toni's and hung out for a little while. I miss Toni. Just spending time alone with her talking. We usually have a lot of time together each day, but we are usually going somewhere, doing something, not just hanging out being us. So last night was good. She called and got me an appointment with the optometrist for later today. I am finally going to get those contacts I have been wanting. That is of course, if my eyes haven't gotten beyond the limits of what contacts can fix. I swear I am completely blind without my glasses. That is why my glasses are always crooked. I sleep in them a lot. I hate the feeling of waking up, and not being able to see. It freaks me out sometimes to wake up and not know where I really am, and not be able to see. After a few seconds, when I get awake enough to realize I am in my own bed, then I am fine, but the few seconds of fear is just not worth it. I think Toni and I will make a day out of it. We will touch up my dark roots, go get me contacts, and then sit in her house laughing, talking, and giving ourselves manicures and pedicures. It has been awhile since we have just had a girls day. Maybe I will do a whole makeover on her. I wish she would start caring more about herself. She has been letting herself go the last few years. See, she gave up on men and herself when she finally had to let go of her one true love, Robert. She finally gave him up, when his drinking got so bad that she just couldn't live with him anymore. My relationship with Tommy has made her think of him more and more lately. (Robert is her sweet, kind hearted former Marine who makes her feel like he hung the moon just for her, just like my sweet Tommy.) She called his family just a few weeks back, to see how he is doing. The truth is, that he is not doing well. He has chosen the life of a street drunk. He lives in a local park in Omaha now. I think that finding all that out has made her hurt, alot. He called her about two days later. He had gotten her number from his family. He told her that he loves her beyond words. He told her that the booze is beating him up, and asked her to come and get him. She is a stronger woman than I could ever be, because she told him that as much as she loves and misses him, she will not be with him until and unless he is sober for at least six months. Where does she find that kind of strength? I would not have been able to do that. I would have gone immediately and gotten My Honey. I see her loneliness sometimes. I see the pain in her heart when she talks about him. I hope I am never put in a position like that, I do not have that kind of strength of character. I admire her for that. I just hope that she doesn't just fade away completely, from the longing in her heart. I feel myself fading like that sometimes these days. It is not a good feeling. That feeling where your love is so deep, and so all consuming that you lose sight of other important things in your life. Maybe I will see if she will let me buy her a nice new outfit, and take her out for a night on the town. I know she will never replace Robert, but maybe she can meet someone who will at least help fill the void a little bit. My dear friend Paula read the little bit of my blog that I have posted on my myspace page yesterday. She was shocked I think. I think I am shocking a lot of people these days. People who have known me for years are just starting to get a real glimpse inside my fucked up head, and it frightens them. What I do not get, is how they could have watched me faking it all for so long, and never called me on it. How they could watch me smiling and not see the scream just below the surface. I started trying to justify my actions, and feelings to Paula. She wouldn't let me. I adore that woman. She said she understands more than I realize. That she has been there, done that, and didn't even get a t-shirt. I usually do not defend my actions to anyone, but what she thinks of me is truly important to me. She is a sister-of-my-heart. So her opinion of me matters. She says her love and respect for me have not been diminished in the slightest bit, but that she will pray for me to find a place of peace, where my mind can rest easy, and I can find contentment in my soul. I pray for that as well. No one should have to live feeling all the time like they are on the edge of reason, and are falling. Yet that is how I have lived for so long, I am not sure I know how to live any other way. I do everything in my life with such passion. I love fiercely, I hate with the same ferocity. I feel deeply. And it wears me out. You have no idea what I would give for two or three days of rest from this roller coaster of emotion I ride daily. Hopefully, if things work out, I will get that soon. Just a few days of peace, contentment, joy. If it happens, I will lock myself away from the rest of the world, someplace safe, and just be able to be me for a change. And that will have to be enough to sustain me. Enough to keep me going for a little while longer. So I can continue to smile, and stuff the scream. That is all, Bye.