If he didn't love me...

Okay, so I have to work tomorrow, well, today now. I really could use the cash, so that is good, but it sucks that I don't get the time off. I am one of those who wants to go in, put in my forty, and go the hell home. (Okay, I admit home is not where I really want to be these days, but anywhere but work is good.) Sunday afternoon, I will be going to the boss lady's house for a "Girls Only Bingo Gift Party". Apparently this is the day once every couple of months when she and her sisters get together, and use bingo as an excuse to get drunk, and share some laughs without any hubbies around. I have been invited. I am going. I know there are a lot of other things i should be doing with my Sunday afternoon/evening, but there is not much that I would rather do than just hang out with a friend and share some laughs. (Unless of course one of you has conceived the perfect plan to get The Honey to me, or me to him that is. In that case, I am all ears, and boss lady can go hang.) But since that is unlikely to happen any time in the near future, I will go play bingo, get nicely drunk, and laugh myself silly with these women. I seem to have hit a brick wall in the weight loss department. It could be that my body is just adjusting to my new routine, and has only temporarily plateaued. Or it may have something to do with the Red Hot Beef and Bean Chimichanga I am still licking from the tips of my fingers. It is almost that time of the month, ugh, and I was just craving it like mad. Never deny yourself something you REALLY want, that is my theory of how to be happy in this life. Somehow tonight it doesn't seem to be working, because all I feel right now, is lonely and bloated. I deny myself things I want all the time. I do it for multiple reasons. I do it because what I want may hurt someone else. I do it because I think what other people need or want is more important than what I need or want. I do it because i do not feel worthy of actually being happy. What an epiphany you may be thinking. Not really. I have known this about myself for a very long time. Problem is, I can not seem to change that way of thinking. Take these recent examples of my fucked up mind at work to understand how my thought process betrays me at every turn. How one silly little thing sends me into a tail spin. Example one: The first time the boss lady and i went out after work, we both got pretty bombed. I thought we had a great time, and at one point during the night, she invited me to her house for a party. The next day, when we were at work, she did not mention the party. The next day when she had said the party was to be starting, I did not call her to come get me like she had told me to do, because my evil self-flagellating twin started itching in the back of my brain saying things like "she only invited you because she was drunk, and was trying to be kind." (Just for the record, that voice inside my head that likes to beat me up, and tear me up, sounds an awful lot like my mother.) {And for those of you who do not understand, NO, I do not actually hear voices. I am a little off, with a twist to the left, but I am not actually insane.} The second example I will use is a lot harder to admit to. Because I have doubted myself for so very long, I also doubt people who say that they care about me. Example Two: The Honey was talking to me, he was sick, sore, and sleepy. He told me he loved me, and that he just needed to get some more sleep. He then spent another twenty minutes talking to me. During that time, he probably said "I Love You" ten times. He made me laugh with his silly little jokes, and even made himself cough harder doing the "Disco Daddy" voice to make me smile. Then he said goodbye with another I love you, and an I miss you thrown in for good measure. For most people, this would have been a confirmation of love right? The fact that despite being sick, sore and sleepy, he took the time to spend with me, making me laugh, and constantly reassuring me of his feelings for me. I should have been on cloud nine. Ha, my mind does not allow that kind of happiness. After we hung up, I spent the next half hour crying, missing him, and wondering what I had done or said that caused him to not want to talk to me for his usual one to two hours. My mind kept replaying the call over and over trying to find something I had done wrong. How is that for fucked up thought process? The worst part s that I don't really doubt his love. Not for a minute. If he didn't love me he wouldn't waste all his time with me. He certainly wouldn't tell me to call and wake him up at anytime day or night that i want to talk to him, and then actually wake up and talk when I do call him at all hours of the day and night. If he didn't love me, he would certainly not put up with my wild mood swings, and need for constant reassurance. If he didn't love me, he would not risk calling me from his living room. If he didn't love me, then why would he tell me he did, at least ten times a day. Because really, he gets nothing from this weird relationship other than a large phone bill, and my companionship. That's all, Goodnight.