The rest of my life...

Okay, so I got home last night and headed straight to my computer. Nothing too unusual. I was hoping to catch The Honey during one of his "bathroom breaks". (That is when he wakes up to use the restroom, and sneaks downstairs to hop online to see if I am there. Isn't he sweet?) I just got all of my many instant messengers open. I opened both my email accounts. I logged into my blog. I read a comment left for me by Mary (AKA CrystalChick). I was getting ready to whip off a reply. And then it happened. I heard a very loud bang. And the lights went out. And my sweet little computer died with the lights. The hubby went to check the breakers. Nope. That was not the problem. I went outside and noticed that most of our neighbors seemed to have power. I grabbed my trusty cell phone, and called Toni to get the number to MidAmerican Energy. (I wouldn't have bothered her normally, but I was sitting in a total blackout after all.) I was pretty upset when I called. They do not let you talk to an actual person. It is an automated system to report power outages. I was upset because I thought they would just ignore it as long as possible, and I would be sitting in the dark indefinitely. But I must say I am impressed. Less than fifteen minutes after my call, one of the big power trucks was here, looking into the problem. Turns out though, that it was not an easy to solve problem. The power went off at about five minutes after one in the morning, and did not get restored until about noon today. In fact, it was not just my house without power, but one or two people per block for about a 15 block radius. One new transformer, four new power junction boxes, and thirty feet of underground cable later, and the lights came back on. In order to do this work though, they had to shut down power to our entire neighborhood. When I woke up this morning, I called The Honey. He was on his way to work, and did not have long to talk. We spoke for a few minutes, and then I went out to the school bus stop with Corey. I walked to Toni's hoping for a hot cup of coffee, and some television to keep me company. (As Toni sleeps until about noon everyday.) No such luck as her power had been turned off as well for the repairs. Her son Vince who lives next door to her, was sitting out on the porch chatting with a friend of ours, Mark. I joined them. Soon, Lynn showed up. Lynn is a good friend of mine. (Also Vince's step-daughter.) The four of us just hung out for a few hours killing the time we normally would have used online, watching television, or engaging in some other form of anti-social behaviour that requires the use of electricity. It was nice. I miss the interaction with live adults some times. I have so many friends online, that I sometimes spend all my free time chatting away on here, and not seeing my friends, like Lynn, who just live a couple of blocks away. I need to start making a point of visiting friends in person from now on. (What is even more sad, is that I have friends who I rarely see in real life, but chat with regularly online. They live within eight blocks of me.) I called The Honey back, to leave him a message while he was working. He answered the call. We spoke for a few minutes, and then he had to get back to work. The power had come back on by this point, so I called the hubby to remind him to restart the filter on my aquarium. By the time I got off the phone with the hubby, I was already in tears. I had by this point spoken to both The Honey, and the hubby, twice each. Neither one of them said Happy Birthday, and the day was more than half over. Toni got up, and told me that I deserve better than both of them. We headed out the door for my work. The Honey called. He told me he loved me, he missed me, and wished he could be spending my birthday with me. My mood brightened considerably. We talked until just before I started working. I am glad, I miss him. But he did say something today that got me to thinking about my life. I had mentioned that one of my daily blog readers had finally left a message. I told him that it is odd to know that there are people who read my blog everyday, that I have never had personal contact with. How these people know my most intimate details and thoughts, and yet I know nothing about them. He said that it is probably because they have lived similar stories. That I should not feel alone in all the mess I live in in my head. He related a story to me, that his wife had shared with him, about a friend of hers whose life somewhat parallels my own. I joked about someone else living a life as fucked up as mine. He told me that while I was free to refer to my life that way, he could not. And that it is all a matter of opinion. That there are people who would look at his own life and think he has it great, and others who would think his life is not so grand. He spoke about how he has a nice home, in a good neighborhood. A good job. Vehicles that are paid for. And "big boy toys". How he thinks his life is pretty good. But how someone else might think it is not because he works so much and is gone so often. You may be wondering why I am sharing so much of the gist of our conversation with you. Well, the point is this. His life is good. He is happy. I want what he has. I don't mean I need a huge house with more bedrooms than people. I don't need a lot of expensive things. But I want what he has. I want contentment. I want to live knowing that the bills will be paid on time. I want to know that next week, when I no longer have a job, (Yes, Friday is the last day of my job. Then an indefinite layoff.) that the rent will still be paid. I want to not have to know that the loss of my job, means the loss of my cell phone. I want to know that next month when Corey has another field trip that they spring on me at the last minute, that I will be able to have the money that day to pay for it. I want. I don't think I want too much. But, the problem is this. How the hell am I ever going to have what I want? I wanted to buy the Regal from Bill and Deb. Now I can not afford to do it. Say goodbye to the Intrepid as well. Say goodbye to the move I was hoping to make before the new year. Say goodbye to me getting out of this loveless marriage of mine. Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Scraping by? Barely? When do I get what I want? When do I find the dream I have dreamt for so long? And what in the hell did I ever do so wrong, that this is all I have to look forward to? I just turned thirty six today. Thirty six. And I am nowhere that I want to be. I think I might go to the local community college tomorrow and talk with one of the financial aid counselors. Maybe I will take some business classes. Maybe I will do that during our layoff. Maybe by the time they call me back to work, I won't need to take such a shitty, cold, hard job. Because I can not hope that someone will save me from my messes. I have made them, and the only way it is ever going to get any better, is if I fix them. There is no knight coming to save me on his trusty steed. There is no prince in my future. There is only me, and my life, and what I choose to make of the rest of it. That is all, Goodnight.