Invisible...

Okay, so I was thinking this morning, how sad my relationship with the hubby has become. We just barely tolerate each other these days, and sometimes it is not even that good. I remember back when we first met. I remember falling in love. I remember what it felt like to be loved by him. Back then, he made such effort to let me know how he felt. Back then he wrote me poetry, and sang me love songs. Back then my needs came first to him. Back then I was special. Back then I was beautiful. Back then I was important. Back then, the things I said mattered. Now, we only talk about the trivial things. (If at all.) I haven't gotten a poem since the day of our wedding. He doesn't sing me songs anymore. I am not special. I am no longer beautiful. I am not important. He still says "I love you", but now it is just habit. My sister-in-law Tish told me that when he shows up at her and Lyle's house after a binge, he always talks about me with such love. She says he still gets a far away look in his eyes. But here at home, he just looks right through me, as though I am invisible. I have been invisible for far too long. And I finally found someone who sees me. I finally found someone who makes me special. Someone who makes me important. Someone to whom the things I say matter. It is sad though. Sad that things can't be different. Sad that I lost one man I loved. Sad that I can't have the one I love now. Sad that no matter how things turn out, I am the one getting hurt in the end. Sad that every time I love, I still end up all alone. I so wish that things were different. I wish that Tommy and I were free to be exactly who and where we want to be. But that is not possible. So, I will remain alone. I will cry myself to sleep at night, laying next to a man I used to love, longing for the one that I can never have. Yeah, I know. I am pathetic, you are right. But mostly I am a good person. And if I wish hard enough, if I try hard enough. Maybe then one day. Maybe. I will get that little bit of happiness that I so desperately seek. That I so desperately need. Maybe someone will see me. Maybe I won't be invisible anymore. That's all, Bye.