Okay, so I just got off the phone with The Honey. I am afraid I may have told him a lie today. I did not intend to. In fact, it was not really a lie. Rather an omission of the COMPLETE truth. Okay, that is still a lie... We only got to talk for a few minutes. And he had arrived at a location where he was to pick up a friend and coworker. As he arrived, he told me that he had better get going, and I got a bit upset. He asked me what was wrong, and I stated that I miss him. That was the truth. I get spoiled to having him much more often, for much longer periods of time when he is on the road, as opposed to when he is home. But what I failed to bring up is that by cutting me off every time someone else is around, I also end up feeling like his "dirty little secret." I guess it is because I am not having to really hide anything, that I feel free to talk with him in front of whomever happens to be around. I am not ashamed of loving him, and I do not care who knows it. But it makes me feel bad sometimes, to know that he is ashamed of loving me. I probably should not be telling all of you all of this, I should explain it to him. But sometimes, it is easier to vent my shit here. Shit that I know I am powerless to change. I do not ever want to hurt this man, so it is hard for me to let him know directly when he is hurting me. I know he does not intend to hurt me. It is just how it is when you are in a fucked up relationship like this. I guess I am willing to deal with it. But it still hurts. Tommy, I am sorry that I put it here, instead of telling you in person. I am sorry. I love you. Forgive me. That's all, Bye.
(It is now 1:43 Am, the next morning. I have seriously considered just deleting this post as I was just having a crappy day, and I read more into shit than is really there. I do not want to upset The Honey, but he loves me, and he knows the fucked up way my mind works, and he says he loves me during all of my mood swings, and wild minute to minute changes. He understands that I do not really believe half the shit I think, it is just a passing phase, and I will be okay after a bit. Just like now. I know that he is not "ashamed" of loving me. It is just the situation that we are in that dictates discretion. He made me promise some time ago not to change who I am, or edit myself to make him happy. So I will not. I love him, he knows that, and all the rest is petty. That's all, Goodnight.)
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