My first ranting and raving session

OK, so this is how it is. I have always considered myself to be a good and moral person. But it seems the older I get the harder it becomes to still feel this way about myself. I say this because I find myself lately becoming a person I am not proud of. I have started grouping entire races of people together and disliking them based on the actions of a few. I know, intellectually, that this is not right. But the longer I live, the more I seem to be doing it. I was talking to a friend lately about this problem. I see it as a character defect in myself. He says it is experience, and that I am not becoming a racist, because even though I sometimes find myself making snap judgements about people, that in the main, I do not dislike anyone unless they ,personally, have given me a reason to do so. I tend to agree somewhat with this statement about myself. However, I still worry about those few times, when that little voice in my head says something that I myself would never, under normal circumstances, say. For example, I personally do not use the "N"-word, and I often admonish others when I hear them use it. But as I was watching the news a few days ago I watched a 70 or 80 something year old World War Two Vet be beaten nearly to death for his car, while this was happening a group of men stood around watching it happen, and they did nothing. Everyone involved in this incident was African American, the criminal, the victim, and the bystanders (who just stood by, so I do not consider them innocent). I found myself thinking "Those f-ing N's". I do not know why that thought came into my head, I had much compassion and concern for the victim, and he too was a black man. I grew up in Southern California, and went to a very racially diverse school. Many of my closest friends were black. So why then did that word just pop into my head? What does that mean about me? Does that mean that I am a racist, a bigot, a person that I would normally despise? And if I am truly not a racist, then why would a thought like that ever be in my head ,EVER? I do not know. I wish I could explain it to myself.
Also, I have started to have bad feelings towards people of Mexican decent. Again, intellectually, I know this is not right. I just cannot seem to help it. It all started when I recently started working for a large manufacturer of meat products. I will not name the company, but I will say that if you eat meat in the United States, hell in the world, you have most probably eaten their products. Now I walked in to my first day of orientation, and things went fine. My orientation group was a grab bag of personalities and nationalities. We all got along fine, we all enjoyed our time together, and were very friendly during the three days it took for this class. It all started going wrong when I walked onto the production floor the first day. I was treated very coldly by all the other female workers. I do not know why. I had done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder. My only crime seems to be that I am white. You see, I am the only white woman working on the production floor for my shift, except for the supervisor. All of the other women are Hispanic, with the one exception of a beautiful woman from Nigeria. I am an outsider to this little group of women. Most of them do not speak English, and I had three years of high school Spanish, but all I can remember is how to ask where the bathroom is, and how to order a hamburger and a Coca Cola. Granted, that makes communication a bit difficult. But a smile is a smile in any language. However, when I walked in for my first day actually on the job and I smiled, I was greeted with cold indifference. In all my other work experiences, most people tend to want to help the newcomer learn the job, and feel welcome. But here, that is not the case at all. In fact they seem to be purposely trying to make things more difficult for me. They leave me with the most difficult tasks, they often make comments to each other in Spanish right in front of me making it obvious that I am the butt of their joke, and they make a show of not wanting to work at the same table with me. They stand there and give me dirty looks, and refuse to help with any problems I encounter. The two "leads" on my shift are also Hispanic. In fact I am not sure you can be a lead with this company if you can not speak fluent Spanish, because how can you communicate with the workers if you do not? The leads also engage in this frustrating behaviour. They often admonish me for doing something they say is incorrect, but ignore the same behaviours from the other Hispanic workers. They send me off to do tasks no one else wants to do. Now this I know, is all part of being "the new girl", but I have been there for a month now, and it is getting old. None of them (OMG I am actually saying "THEM")((See how this is making me crazy?)), even the ones who do speak English, have in all this time made any effort to get to know me. And this behaviour does not go on when there is a supervisor in the room who is paying attention. So what am I supposed to feel? I have never before grouped people together and made a judgement about them based on race, but these women did just that about me. They have ostracized me to the point where I no longer care to get to know them. I have accepted that they will continue to treat me badly. But is this a reflection on me, or on them? Do I have something to make up for with them, something that was done to them by some other white person, that I must now pay the price for? And how will my feelings towards these women affect my behaviours towards Hispanics that I meet from this day on? Will I automatically push forward my feelings for the women I work with, and think poorly of someone who has done me no harm? I am afraid I might. This worries me. I never wanted to feel like this, and how can I raise my children to believe everyone is equal until they have done something wrong, when I myself am struggling with this issue everyday? UGH, this is so frustrating. When I see judgement and prejudice in others my whole heart rebels against their hatred, but what do I do about these feelings growing in my gut? What do I do to make it better? To make ME better? For now, I give it over to God, and try to do the best I can, everyday. To be the best me I know how to be, and hope that my heart and my mind come to some agreement that I and they can live with. I want to be proud of myself when I face myself in the mirror. I want to leave this world knowing that I did not contribute to the evil that I see around me everyday. That I was a keeper of peace and someone who spread love. That is how I want to be remembered, but I worry that with all the hatred I see around me, some of it is starting to infect me like a disease.