This time of year...

At this time of the year, I often get very "reflective" about my life. I guess it is mostly due to the fact that June is just around the corner, and June 17th will be the 9th anniversary of the death of my baby daughter. She was born into this world on June 15th 1998. She was not breathing. The doctors didn't know why. They did all they could and brought her back to me. It wasn't enough. She was not meant for this world. The doctors told me she was not aware of what was going on around her, but I was the one looking into her eyes as she passed away. I was the one who was holding her in my arms. The doctors don't know everything. When asked, I explain her loss in one of two ways. To adults I explain that she suffered from Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I then go on to explain exactly what that is since most people have never heard of it. (If you want to learn more click here http://www.tttsfoundation.org/ ) To children I explain that she was so beautiful that God wanted her in heaven, He decided to give me twins so that He and I could both share these amazing girls, and that God has promised that when I get there, I get to raise my baby with Him. Actually, I consider myself extremely lucky. Many people who experience Twin to Twin lose both of their babies, or their survivors suffer from multiple handicaps (refer to website above for more details). We were blessed, we not only got a perfectly healthy daughter, but we also got to hold an angel for two days. When I reflect on these things, I wonder why I am so blessed. I think about how after my miscarriage (before my son was born) I was told that I would never be able to carry a baby to term. I have multiple issues which led the doctors to that conclusion including a strange blood thing called an anti-M titer. (Try google for that one) I took the doctors word on faith. Well, I did for a time. But the day I met my now husband, I knew. I told my friends that he was going to be the man who gave me my child. My friends told me not to get my hopes up, on the man or the baby. But I knew, just knew that God had intended him for me. Together we have had four wonderful children. When I had our youngest daughter, I got my tubes tied. We seemed to be having children every five years. It was not planned that way, we did nothing to help pregnancy along, and nothing to stop pregnancy. It is just the way it was intended to be I guess. My health was starting to suffer more with each child however, and the doctor and I agreed that tubal ligation was best. My diabetes was out of control with the youngest, and I spent many days and nights in the hospital trying to complete that pregnancy. More children could have done much damage to me. I want to be there to watch them all grow up, so the decision was made. I sometimes regret that decision. I see my children growing up, and now that the teenage years are starting for one of them, growing away as well. I miss being able to hold them and stroke them and sing to them. My son is now as tall as I am. He has other things to do. Other places to be. I understand, but I miss him. My eight year old daughter too is finding herself. She wants to be off playing doing all the things little girls do, not cuddled in Mommy's lap. The little one, well I still get to hold her and sing to her, but she has an independent streak a mile long. I long for the days when they needed their mommy for everything. When I, in their eyes, was the sun and the moon, and controlled the stars coming out at night. It is selfish I know. I do not try to claim otherwise. Before I became a parent for the first time, I thought childbirth itself must be the most difficult part of parenting. How I wish that were so. Then after the loss of my baby girl, I thought to myself that NOTHING could be harder on a parent. And, in that I was only partly mistaken. The death of my child is a pain that will never fully heal, but with time you do get more able to cope. But as they are growing up and away, I see that the hardest part of parenting is not either of those things. It is not the no sleep for years on end. It is not all the time you give to children or the multiple doctors appointments and dentist appointments and school functions you attend. Those are the good parts. I give them my time freely. The hardest part, is letting them go. I work full time second shift. I am gone before the kids get home from school. I get home after they have gone to bed. The only time I have for them lately is the weekends. But they want to spend the night with friends, or be out playing. They want to watch a movie in their rooms, or read a book. They want to be on the computer or on the phone. And learning to let them is what is so hard on me. If I have been doing my job right as a parent, i have to let them out there in the world, and cross my finger, and bite my tongue. I need to let them grow up and into adults. I am not great at this yet. I still sometimes tell them no to spending the weekend elsewhere, mostly for my own selfish reasons. But, I am working on it...