To kiss him goodnight...

Okay, so I went out tonight. I went out with my boss, and a couple of guys from work. We had a good time, just sitting and singing and bull-shitting. It was a good time, that is until I got home. As soon as I walked in the door it started. The bitching. I didn't stop to get the hubby any food on the way home. I didn't stop because I was not driving and it was after three in the morning, and my boss didn't want to stop. But of course, that is all my fault. Just like it is all my fault that the house is a mess. Nevermind the fact that I am hardly ever home. It is also my fault that the laundry is not done. It is my fault that I do not come home straight from working eight hours a day and cook him a meal. It is my fault that I do not run him a bath. It is my fault that I do not rub his back. It is my fault that I no longer cater to his every whim. I used to do all those things, back when I loved him. I don't love him anymore. I do not want to do things for him. He is pissed because after the bar closed, we all went out to breakfast. He is pissed because he couldn't get drunk tonight. He is pissed that I do not love him. He is pissed because The Honey called me at seven in the morning, and I crawled out of bed to talk with him. He is pissed because he thought The Honey had quit calling. In fact, he deleted The Honey's numbers from our phone. He is pissed that he saw it show up again. I am pissed that he is pissed. I am pissed that I acted like an ass to The Honey tonight. I am pissed that instead of telling him that I love him, and that I miss him, I was cold and bitchy towards him. I was having a bad night. It is not his fault. But it was made all the worse when I found out that he was headed home. I was jealous, and bitter, and I am sorry. I know I have no right to feel that way. I can stake no claim to The Honey. But the thought of him, laying next to anyone but me hurts. It brings out a side of me that is not pretty. It brings out an angry, sad, hurt me. I want him. I want him to be mine. I want him to be mine alone. I do not want to have to share him. I do not want him in the arms of anyone else. I do not want his lips on someone else. I am so jealous of her. It is crazy, I know. I am jealous because she gets to hold him. I am jealous that she gets to look at him when she talks to him. I am jealous that she gets to cook his meals. I am jealous that she gets to wash his clothes. I am jealous that she gets to do all those silly little things that would make his life so much easier. I want to do all that for him. I am jealous that she gets to rub his aching muscles. I am jealous that she gets to kiss all his sore spots. I am jealous that she gets to take care of him while he is sick. I am jealous that she gets to do his grocery shopping, and feed his dog, and raise his child. I am jealous that when he went to sleep tonight she got to say goodnight to him. I am jealous that she gets to be there for him. I am jealous that she gets to hold his hand. I am jealous that she gets to make love to him. I am jealous that she gets to watch him sleep, hear him breathe, feel his heat. I am jealous that he still loves her. I am angry that she has what I want most in this world, and can not have. I am angry at myself for feeling this way. I am angry that I cried tonight when I got his message that said he was going home, and I knew that I may not hear from him for awhile. I am angry that I allowed myself the luxury of those tears. I never wanted to feel this way. I never wanted to want what I can never have as mine. I never wanted to fall head over heels, crazy in love with this man, who owns my soul. I never wanted to need anyone. I need him. His voice is like air to me. I need it just to make it through the day. I want to do everything for him, I want to be everything to him. I want to kiss him goodnight every night, and kiss him good morning every morning. I want to be in his arms in the time in between. I want to feel his heart beat. I want to taste his skin. I want to be so close to him that you can not tell where I end, and he begins. I want him. I love him. I miss him. I need him. I Love You, Tommy. I wish I knew the words that would convey the depth of my love. I wish I knew the words that would say all that I feel. I do not know them. I do not know that they exist. That is all, Goodnight.