Work and the kiss that won't happen...

Okay, so I found out that I will be working Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights. Yep, that's right! I will be working NEW YEAR'S EVE! Have I told you lately that I hate my job? That means that for the first time in as long as I can remember (Okay, since I was 13.) I will not be getting kissed at midnight! Of course, I could try to get a quick kiss from the cutie at work with the smile that I adore, but I have promised to be a good girl, and "Stay Away from him!" (Really that is fine with me, if I can't kiss the man I want to be kissing, I would rather not kiss anyone at all. Maybe next year...) There are a few reasons though why I am not overly upset about all of this. One is, when I work Sunday night, they will have to pay me double time. This means I will be making some pretty decent cash. Also, I will save myself about a hundred bucks by not being able to go out on New Year's Eve. I could easily drop that much in a few hours out with Robin and the gang. Also, I heard the yellow hats talking today, well, whispering actually. (Yellow hats are supervisors.) They were discussing the fact that it looks as though we will also be working New Year's Day (night). So, the thing is, since I can't go out on New Year's Eve, I may get to work on New Year's. And working on New Year's will be great! They have to pay me triple time! I am thinking any time you are getting paid more than thirty dollars an hour, you just work until they force your ass out the door! So, here's to hoping that I work eight or more hours a day for the next seven days. I need the money. I want a Brazilian butt lift, and those things are not cheap! (LMAO...seriously though, have you ever noticed that white girls just never get a J-Lo booty? Hispanic girls get them, black girls get them, I have even seen oriental girls with them, but I have yet to see a WHITE girl with a booty like that, unless she bought it! And damn it, I want a booty!) Really though, I can use every penny I can get my hands on. I have plans, and plans take cash, so I will work, and work, and work until they send me home. In fact, I am trying to find a part time job, that I can work into my schedule. I will let you know how that pans out. For now, I am tired, and I have a long weekend ahead, so That's all, Goodnight!

That's all folks...

Okay, so I was going to blog tonight, but I promised The Honey I would get some sleep, so, maybe tomorrow? LOL.. That's all, Goodnight.

My Christmas Eve Eve...

Okay, so I spent all of today gathering all the Christmas presents I had scattered around at friends houses, and my own home, and took them all to Toni's so we could spend the evening wrapping. We had a nice time. But I must admit one of the gifts was testing my patience today. My dear friend Paula called me last week, saying she had a wonderful gift for me. Seems our church got new computers for the family history center, and were giving away the old computers. She grabbed one up for me, not realizing that at tax time this past year I had broken down and bought myself a new computer. When I told her, she was a bit disappointed. I told her though, that I would love to be able to give a computer to my son, but simply could not afford to do it this year. Needless to say, he will be opening a computer on Christmas morning. However, it turns out that the computer was not from the church's Family History center, but someone seeing that the church had made computers available to anyone who wanted one, decided to donate one as well. It is a great computer really. A Dell. Better than mine, in fact. Faster processor, more memory. The only advantage mine has is that I bought myself the 19 inch flat panel monitor, and his has the big huge one that takes a lot of desk space. Whoever donated this computer wiped the hard drive before hand. A good move. However, they seemed to have corrupted some of the hard drive in doing so, so reloading an operating system was a bitch. After several failed attempts we were finally successful! (Thanks, Don! I owe you a big, wet, sloppy kiss!) After finally getting the computer up and running, I went to Toni's to wrap gifts. I really need to hire someone to do that next year. I usually go all out. A dozen different papers, boxes, bags, bows, curling ribbons, gift tags, etc. But this year I used three papers, no bows, no ribbons. Lmao. I think I am getting lazy in my old age. Or maybe I have just come to the realization that no one has ever given two hoots about all that stuff but me, and therefor have never appreciated the effort I put into it. They just rip everything to shreds, and throw it away while bitching because I bought the wrong color hoodie, or the Bratz doll with the brown hair and green eyes instead of with the red hair and blue eyes. Ya know, Paula also gave me a gift for Christmas. I am not sure if I will ever actually use it, but it is nice to have, to know I can if I ever choose to. She gave me a web cam and microphone. LMAO. Of course I can never admit to that in chat. I would be hounded mercilessly. But really the reason I may never use it is very selfish. LOL. I do not want to have to brush my hair and wear more than my robe just to check my email and chat. I like sitting here in nothing but a huge T shirt. I like blogging with my hair in a ponytail, no makeup on, drinking a cup of french vanilla coffee, and chain smoking. I like eating with my fingers, and not worrying that someone is watching me lick pizza sauce from my fingertips before I can type the next line. I like not having to clean the room behind me to be on my computer. I like having my daughter sleeping in my lap, forgetting that she quit nursing over a year ago and start rooting for some boo boo juice while I gently push her mouth away from my breast. I like the fact that if I yawn i do not have people counting the fillings in my mouth. I like that I can scratch any part of me I wish, anytime I wish and not offend anyone. So maybe i will put her very thoughtful gift on a shelf and forget it is there. Or maybe I will hook it up once in awhile for certain people. Who knows. I do not even know myself. Anyway, that's all, Goodnight.




I had to wrap all of these gifts... ugh.. i am glad i am done.

I have been a VERY GOOD GIRL Santa, I promise...

Okay, so here is my all time favorite Christmas song. And I do not care how many people remake it, no one can come close to Eartha Kitt! Enjoy!



And this one is just for you...(performed by one of my favorite bands...Yeah for me!)

Para el amor del hombre I,

Mi amante dulce querido, le he faltado así que estos últimos dos días, he soñado sobre usted, pero ningún sueño puede comparar a la realidad que es usted. Te quiero tanto, y deseo que podría estar en sus brazos esta noche. El día finalmente capaz de estar con usted, yo acariciaré por siempre. Bebé te quiero mi dulce, maravilloso. Usted es mi amor, mi corazón, mi vida, mi alma. Soy el tuyo, ahora y por siempre.

The Bah Humbugs got me, it is my only excuse...

Okay, so I had to work last night. I was originally told that it would be a short night, that was a lie. I had to put in a nine hour night. It was not a pleasant evening for me. Because we are going to have three days off, we had a lot to get finished. The guy that works on my line was not being helpful at all. At one point he actually stood with his arms crossed and refused to take the meat from the line. Of course it was coming so fast that i could not pull it all, and it started falling on the floor. I yelled at him to take the meat off the line. I did not say it nicely. In fact I think what I said was, "Take the God Damned meat off the mother fucking line asshole!" Every package of meat that hits the floor is another two minutes of work for me. The package must be opened, the meat repackaged, resealed, relabeled, and repacked. Needless to say I was not at all pleased by the fact that there were about fifty packages of meat on the floor. And all because we did not have the proper boxes to pack them in. I tried to explain that he could just pile the meat into the wrong boxes until we got the right ones, but he stubbornly refused to do it. The more I yelled at him the more obstinate he became. Finally my lead person happened by and saw what was happening. He told the man to help. He again refused. The lead brought over the supervisor who then spoke to the man. They shut down our line and we spent the next twenty minutes boxing all the meat that had accumulated on my side of the line thrown into the wrong boxes, and piled all around me. I was so angry about all of this that I was muttering some not so nice things under my breath at him for the rest of the night. Finally we got all caught up, got all the packages reworked, and finished up our work. By that time I had calmed myself a bit, and as we were leaving, I turned to him and said with much sincerity, "I hope you have a very Merry Christmas." He gave me an odd look, and said nothing. It wasn't until about an hour later that it hit me. I had just wished a Merry Christmas to a Muslim. LMAO! Oh well, I hope he understands the intention behind the words, and does not take too much offence. And now that my little story is out of the way, let me say to all of you, that I hope you have the very Merriest of Christmases (Or a Happy Hanukkah), and A very Happy (but safe) New Year! You will be in my thoughts, in my heart, and I will say a prayer for each of you, that the new year be kinder and gentler than the last. That's all, Bye.

Thank You Mary...

My fellow blogger (and someone I hope I can call friend), Mary posted a comment to me in my last post. The comment was about editing photos. I had joked about wanting to edit off about twenty extra pounds, and was rewarded with the information that would help me to make such alterations if I had the time and patience to do it. Thing is, I don't really want to. I sat there reading about it, and came to the conclusion that I am okay with being me. Here is my response to Mary (Who, for the record, has never told me that I am anything but beautiful! I want to make that perfectly clear before someone who does not know any better suggests that She indicated that I needed to edit myself!)

Mary,
I joke about wanting to edit myself in such a manner, but it is useful knowledge to have, so thank you! Like I stated though, the only thing I have ever done to my pics is crop them. (or adjust the lighting when the picture was too dark to see.) Usually cropping out my body, which I am still not comfortable with. I have stopped doing even that. I have come to the conclusion that I like me, despite my many flaws, and I can be unhappy with certain aspects of me, but do so in a manner which is loving to myself. I do not hate myself anymore for the extra pounds I still have to lose. I do not hate myself for the stretch marks, and the breasts that only ever really look good when supported by industrial strength elastic and wire. (Or perhaps some duct tape) I got those things doing something I would never change if given the chance. Having my children. Yes, it makes me not want to ever show my body to anyone naked, but that too I will overcome. I am a work in progress. And I can be proud of that... so while the knowledge is a fun thing, and a tool I might experiment with in the future, know that no picture of me on this site or any other will ever be altered in such a way by me. Ya know, I have been wanting to talk about this for some time. I think I just wrote tonight's blog! Hugs, Dawn

That being said, here are a few new pictures of me that I took Sunday and Monday. They have not been edited in ANYWAY other than to adjust the lighting and crop out some BACKGROUND that was unnecessary. That's all, Goodnight.

My first ever video blog (may be the last)...

blog part 1

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Blog part 2

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Sick Puppies Rock!!!

Okay, so I had a fucking blast at the concert! I am posting a video I shot, please excuse the poor singing/shouting that I was doing. It was the end of the night, my throat is torn to shreds. And i am also sorry for the shakiness of the video, but sometimes a girl has to dance. Hugs, Dawn






All The Same

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Insert a huge smile here...

Okay, so last night was a good night for me... I worked, so I made up for some of my lost hours earlier in the week, when I got to work, they had cancelled working Sunday (which is a great thing and means that I get to go to the Sick Puppies concert tonight! Yeah for me!), and then when I got home (after about two in the morning) My Honey came online to talk to me a bit. If only you could feel my smiles today like he does, you would be smiling too. (Ever notice how smiles are contagious?) So, I am off to do laundry so I do not have to go to the concert naked. That would not be a good thing for multiple reasons, not the least of which is that it is so cold here that if I went anywhere naked I would be able to use my nipples to cut glass. (Insert wink here) That's all, Bye.

For the record...

It is no body's fault. I am just having one of those days. My emotions are all over the place. There is no reasoning, no rationale behind it, just pure unadulterated emotion. No excuses, no asking forgiveness, no explanation. Just me, raw, undeserving, uncaring, wildly swinging at anyone and anything that gets in the way. Sucker punching, back stabbing, angry momma cat fighting. If you need to forgive me, do it! If you don't want to, then fucking don't. I don't care. I care too much. That is my weakness. I let you get in my head. I let you get in my heart. i let myself be torn again and again until the very core of me screams, stop! But you can't. And I can't. And we go on and on until one or both of us breaks. Until all the shattered pieces of me collapse in a pile at your feet. And kiss you, and beg you to put me back together again. And will you? Will you, then? When I am on my knees, completely at your mercy? Will you see me for what I am? Scared, and alone, and loving, and battered, and bruised, and in need of a warm safe place to lay my head and just be me for awhile? And will I ever be enough? Will I ever be enough for just one person in this world? Just one special person who will see me and finally say to themselves... she is the one? Do I ever get that? And do you understand any of this? Cause i don't, I don't understand it. i just live it, feel it, breathe it, drown in it.

Take what you can get, and deal with it...

Okay, so i am sitting here crying. And to be completely honest, i am not sure why. I am just tired, and sad, and lonely. And I am tired of being tired, and sad, and lonely. And why is it, that when I am at my most vulnerable, no one ever seems to have the time, or is willing to spare the time, to make it better? Is it too much to ask for, that once in awhile, I be a priority? That just one of the many people i love and give my time and affection to, return that to me when I need it the most? Why is that too much to expect? I just needed to hear i love you, and I need you, and you are special. You didn't even have to mean it. You don't even have to mean it! Just care enough to lie to me about it. That's all, Bye.

The good, the bad, and the ugly...

Okay, so the bad news. I am STILL sick. Yes, I missed yet another night of work. If I do not get better soon I may be looking for a new job. But staying home, I was able to take a nap, and get some much needed rest. And I will head to bed early tonight. (Well, early for me is anything before two in the morning.) The good news. The Honey was well enough today to go back to work. He called me this morning during his commute, and we got to talk for an hour. That is more of his voice than I have heard in the last week. And let me tell you, it did my heart good. I can still hear the pain in his voice. He was having trouble with the seat belt rubbing right against the staples in his neck, and he took himself off the pain pills in order to be okay to drive. But all in all, he sounds so much better then he did last week. I hated hearing him both in pain, and doped up. He called me again for the ride home. I told him to take a pain pill when he got home. In typical male macho fashion, I was informed that he didn't need it. He would be fine. LOL. My guess is he took the pill. I will wait online for him for awhile tonight, but I do not really expect to see him. He needs his rest, too. I want him to heal quickly and completely. I want him not to feel anymore pain. I want him feeling stronger and healthier when he calls me on his way into work tomorrow. I want him....That's all, goodnight.

My new friend...

Okay, so I spent the night at home last night. I am still sick, and was running a fever again. My boss told me if I was sick to stay home. So I did. I spent most of the night sitting right here online, chatting with my friends. Jeremy and Sue. And waiting for The Honey to come online. (Of course, he didn't. Not knowing that I was home, he did not come online until after midnight when he is used to me being online.) So during that bored time in the in between, I did something I haven't done in YEARS. I went into chat. I remember now why I used to chat through cheetachat. As soon as I entered the chat room, I was hit with so many instant messages, that I couldn't see the chat screen. Most of them were the same old shit, age/sex/location, and then a steady stream of sexual questions. But one was not. It was a guy from Texas by the name of Mark. He was very nice, and very funny, and he kept me laughing all night. We talked about our lives a bit. He told me he has a girl, Jessica, I think her name is. I told him about The Honey and the hubby. We had a good time, me and "this little hottie from Texas". Lmao. He is only 26, and I will say this...It does my ego good to be chatted up by a young attractive man. Of course it is all just good clean fun, and while he flirted a bit, he did not cross that line which so many of the men in chat seem to jump right over in the first three or four sentences they write. He even IMed some guy that was bothering me, and got him to stop. My knight in shining armour. LMAO. I wish that I had been able to spend that much time talking to My Honey, but I am glad that I got to know Mark a little bit. New friends are always good to have. (Oh, and he thinks I am beautiful. Lmao...That is always a good thing too.) That's all, Bye.

Bye Bye Boo Boo....

Okay, so it was a long night at work tonight. It seemed to drag on forever! We boxed a lot of roasts tonight. I really wish you people would just boycott the roasts, damn it! My arms are so sore. Now, the roasts average about three and a half pounds each. That is nothing, right? Yeah, well, KISS MY ASS! You try lifting three and a half pounds over and over and over and over again... for NINE hours! We (myself and the slowest man on the planet), boxed over 3,200 roasts tonight. And that figure does not include all the other products we worked tonight. My arms ache, my shoulders ache, and the back of my neck aches. And now, seeing myself whine about this hurting, I feel bad, because The Honey sent me some pictures of his "boo boo" last night. (By the way Honey, boo boo is the term my children use to discuss my breasts! LMAO...When Kylie was little she would ask for "boo boo juice" when she wanted to nurse. Too funny! We even made up a boo boo song when she was weaning.. lmao.. maybe some day I will sing it for you.. LMAO...) Okay, sorry, got a little off topic there for a minute, forgive me, I am very tired and the strangest things are funny to me right now. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so I saw pictures of The Honey's injuries. As he posted them for me to see he told me not to "freak out". Well, I didn't "freak out" but I did cry. He is probably going to be upset when he reads this, but I just couldn't help it. Seeing him cut up like that made me so sad. One of the cuts runs from right under his jawline all the way down his sweet neck, (way too close to important inside stuff for my taste), across his collar bone, and ends just before his shoulder. The other one is an inverted "L" shape cut on his bicep. They are both HUGE! They both look extremely painful, and they both are on MY HONEY. Of course that made me cry. I am just glad we were not on the phone when I saw those pictures for the first time. It upsets him to hear me cry, and he would have hated the sobs that escaped me last night. I am just so damned grateful that he is okay, it could have been so much worse. I could have lost my very best friend in the entire world. I still can not believe he was conscious after sustaining an injury like that. And I really can't believe he managed to call me and talk to me for three minutes with his neck cut open like that. I mean really, what was he thinking about? Well, me obviously. And how sweet is that? I am so glad he is okay, I don't know what I would do without him. That's all, Goodnight.

Goodbye And Godspeed William Heitert Jr....

Okay, so tonight one of my best friend's (Bill's) father passed away. I know Bill is hurting right now, so let me just say Bill that I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Your father was a good man, and I know he loved you very much. His loss will be felt by our family for years to come as he was both like a father to Jimmy and a Grandfather to all of my children. God Bless you in this time with peace knowing that he is safe in God's arms.

Okay, so the hubby will be going to Montana for a week. He will be leaving tomorrow night, and won't return until sometime Saturday night. He is going to help Bill get through the funeral. This week will be very hard on everyone. It will be emotionally draining for both Bill and the hubby. And it will be physically draining on me. Because of the hubby's absence this week, I will have to come home at one thirty, or two in the morning, try to sleep almost immediately, and then be back up by five thirty to get the children off to school. At eight thirty when Corrine leaves, I will then have to attempt to clean house a bit, and prepare dinner for the kids for when they get home. I will have to take Kylie with me to work each day, and send her home with Toni, so that Jamie can pick her up to babysit her after he gets home from school. Poor Jamie will then be responsible for himself and the girls until I get home in the wee morning hours. He is a good kid, and he is old enough to watch them, but still it will be hard on him, as he will have to act as both mom and dad in our absence. Of course Toni is on call for any help the kids may need, and my friend and neighbor Don lives just across the street and will be checking in on the kids regularly. But Jamie will have to make sure that homework gets done, and that dinner is eaten, and baths taken and bedtimes observed. That is an awful lot to ask from him. But I have faith that he will do well. I wish I could get the time off of work to just stay home with the children this week, but I just can not afford to do that. If we want to eat, I have to work, so, life goes on, and we will make it through...but if I do not blog much this week, do not be alarmed, it is just because I have fallen asleep at the keyboard, and will wake up sometime later with imprints of the home row keys in my forehead. That's all, Goodnight.

Hurt and angry (What a shitty week)...

Okay, so The Honey got injured at work. Badly! He is going to be fine...and that is exactly what he told me while he was on his way to the trauma center in an ambulance with a paramedic holding his phone for him, so that he could call me to tell me that he wouldn't be calling me later that night as planned. Silly, Sweet, Crazy man! Two broken ribs and somewhere in the neighborhood of sixty staples later and he is almost as good as new. He says he will have a nasty, scary scar. I don't care. If after an injury like that all he ends up with is a scar, then I will be one happy woman. (Scars really do add character Honey, and are great at dull parties! You can always have fun making up strange and exotic ways that you got the scar.. for example..."I was deep sea fishing, and caught this huge shark. I fought for hours reeling him in. Just as I got him into the boat...", or "When I was mountain climbing in the Himalayas..." you get the idea... lol) He will be at home recovering for some time, so getting time to talk will be difficult, but we will find a way. If I am especially moody and bitchy for the next few weeks, you now know why. It just means that I am not getting enough Honey time. LOL This week has been a difficult one for me. The Honey got hurt, and I did not know how badly for two days (You have no idea what a terrified mind comes up with!), and I got into a few "discussions" with my friend, Toni. I love Toni. I really do, but lately she is just rubbing me the wrong way. Maybe it isn't her. Maybe it is me, but this week has been a very bad one where she is concerned. It started when we were discussing politics. Now, I will say that she is taking a bigger interest in this Presidential race than she ever has before. But, she is too easily led, and does not do her own research before choosing a candidate to get behind. So this week, I got to listen to her regurgitate the opinions of television commentators at me about the candidates. I will admit that I haven't yet really looked into all the candidates. I have a favorite, he probably will not be the party choice though, so when the parties choose who they will run, I will research the candidates at that point and decide who gets my vote. I am usually a bit more involved in the whole process. I have, in the past, volunteered my time to candidates. Answering phones, door knocking, helping at rallies, etc., but this year I just have too much going on. But when Toni made comments about things that I knew she really knew nothing about, it just set me off. I told her that she needed to be less swayed by the people in the little black box, and really do the leg work to choose her candidate or she might as well just not vote at all because an uninformed vote is worse than no vote at all. That was not very nice of me. I do not know why i said it. Really I am glad that she is finally taking an interest. That I will admit is my influence on her. During our local elections I told her that it was her civic duty to vote. LoL. She voted for only the third time in her sixty three years. She voted uninformed then too. The next thing we "discussed" was when she told me that she was upset because the "Government" stole her Christmas and gave it to "the Jews". When I heard that come out of her mouth, I had to ask her to say it again. I couldn't believe it. Yes, that was what I heard. So I asked her to explain. She said that she saw on the news that the White House did not put up a Nativity Scene this year. That in the place of the Nativity, they erected a Menorah. I reminded her that the White House still displays numerous Christmas trees each year, and that I did not have a problem with them also displaying a Menorah. She argued that the Christmas tree is NOT Christian, but rather Pagan in origins. I agreed with this, and reminded her that almost all of Christianity's symbols and traditions are Pagan in origin, but that they have become Christian in practice if not in origin. Her response was not to disagree (because she knows i am right!) but to restate that the Government has stolen her Christmas by doing away with the Nativity on the White House lawn. That was a "discussion" I just walked away from. (After telling her that if she didn't like that she will really hate it when they do away with all religious symbols, or have to display them all! Just out of curiosity what is the symbol of Kwanzaa? And what will the Satanists want displayed on the Anti-Christmas?) But the worst "discussion" by far this week was when she yet again brought up "addiction". Toni will proudly tell you that she is a recovering drug addict. She describes her sons as addicts and/or alcoholics. She excuses their bad behaviour (and that of my hubby) by blaming it on "addiction". I am probably going to piss a lot of people off with this, but I will tell you what I told her. There is no such thing as addiction. There are just selfish people making selfish choices. I know this to be truth because...

1.) These people make sober choices to use. (They all start off sober at some point! They were not born drunk, nor have they spent every waking and non-waking moment in a state of drunkenness!)
2.) The "addict" can think clearly enough to lie/steal/cheat his or her way into getting their "drug of choice". (I did not come up with the phrase "drug of choice" but that is in fact what it is a CHOICE!)
3.) Almost every "addict" I have ever known (and I have known a LOT of them) was able to "overcome their addiction" when faced with the consequences of losing something that is, to them, more important than the drug. For example, Toni's son knew that if he did not get and stay clean of the meth, he would go to jail for a minimum of two years. He valued his freedom more than the high. He got clean, and stayed clean for more than six months. A former friend who claimed to be "an addict" lost her children to state custody for a time. Amazingly this woman was able to quit using drugs on the very first day that her children were removed, and stayed clean the entire time that her case was still on paper with the courts. She passed every drug test with flying colors, and got her children back. (To my knowledge she is still clean.) The point is, that if the cost becomes more than they are willing to pay, they will "gain control" of a formerly "uncontrollable addiction". Everyone has a price that they are unwilling to pay, the trick is finding it. Once you find that price, the "addict" can overcome.

Needless to say, this theory of mine did not go over well with Toni. When she started to argue with me about it, I felt compelled to point out that she is in fact still a drug user and does NOT have all the sober years she lays claim to. She was floored and asked me to explain. I pointed out to her that she uses her prescription pain pills to deal with her emotional problems, and pointed out example after example to her. (I.E. On Tuesday night we had a flat tire. Within minutes of realizing that changing the tire to the donut did us no good, (the donut was flat too.) Toni had "the beginnings of a migraine headache and I need my pills, please get my pills, my eyes are blurry and my head is pounding"! As soon as the tire issue was resolved, the headache disappeared even though the pill had not been ingested long enough to have any effect on it.) She actually took this better than I expected. A lot better than I had expected. She thanked me for pointing it out to her. She said that she hadn't realized that she was doing that, that I was right, and that she needed to be more aware of things like that. She said she would talk to her doctor about it. She said that she wanted me to tell her when I saw her reacting to stress by taking unneeded medications. I felt badly afterwards. I had been meaning to tell her what i had been seeing her do, I just didn't know how to approach her, and I let it come out in a moment of anger instead of in a moment of love. i wish I could do it over. I would still do it, just kinder, gentler. I love Toni, I really do. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. Honey get some rest. I love that you want a few minutes with me, but getting up and down that much can't be good for you. I want you to get well soon. I miss you already!

If tomorrow never comes...

Okay, so let me ask that before you read the rest of this post, you first watch the video.



I normally do not write about current events. I do not do news stories. I am a blogger, not a reporter. But this shooting that took place today is very close to home. I have not been at the Westroads Mall in quite some time, but I could have been. After all, it is the season for shopping. I am glad I wasn't. My daughter Emily was heading to Westroads this afternoon shortly before this took place. She didn't make it there. God Bless her friend for being slow to get ready. My good friend and neighbor Don's daughter and ex-wife were planning a shopping trip to Von Maur today, they too changed their minds at the last minute. My sister could have been there. One of my grown children could have been there. My nieces and/or nephews could have been there. My friends could have been there. They were not. I am grateful. The fact that it was so close to home has made me think. I have been thinking all night about it. It isn't about the shooting per se that I have been thinking about, but the fact that you never know if you have a tomorrow. It got me to thinking. If I were to die today, right now, right this minute, have I told all the people in my life, have I told them how I really feel? Have I showed them how much they are loved? The most honest answer I have to this is, no, I have not. So, I am going to do it right now. I will write it here tonight. Tomorrow, I will take the time to contact them, each one, and say what I need to say.

To Jimmy (the hubby)....I love you, I do. I know that things have been hard between us lately, and for that I am sorry. I never expected my life to turn out the way it has, and I guess that I have spent a lot of time blaming you for that. It is not your fault. There was a time when I was truly happy with you. I wish that we could get that back, but it doesn't appear that we ever will. I never wanted to hurt you. And despite what I may say in the heat of the moment, I do not hate you. I wish that I could say I am in love with you. I can not. But I can say that I love you, and that you are special to me. And that I want nothing but good things and happiness for you. I love you.

Jamie (my son)....I love you so much Bubba! You are my pride walking! You are a very special boy, with a heart of gold, and I hope you always stay that way. You make the world a better place just by your presence in it. One day, when you are older and have children of your own, you will know the kind of love that I feel for you. Until then, you just have to take my word for it when I say that I love you more than life itself, and I always will.

Corrine (My daughter)....My special girl. You are a gift from heaven. You are my sunshine when I am sad. You are such a sweet and kind girl, and so smart! Of all of your amazing qualities, I want you to always remember how smart you are. You are beautiful, that is without doubt, but that is not what makes you special baby. There are many beautiful people in this world, but no one else has a heart like yours, or a brain like yours. Use all the gifts that you were given, and you will go far my baby girl. You are my heart walking. I love you around the world plus ------ this much, and that is a whole bunch baby...so much more than you can comprehend.

Kylie (my daughter)....You are mommy's little princess. You are a gift from God. He picked you, out of all the souls in heaven, to be my daughter because he knew that I would never be complete without you. You and I are like puzzle pieces that do not fit with anyone else's pieces. But we fit together perfectly baby. You are my joy walking. You always know how to make mommy laugh. Your joy is a gift, the way you touch people and make their hearts happy. I love you so much my little poo poo nut. You mean the world to me.

Alicia (my daughter).... You are my chosen child. You are my spirit walking. You have such an amazing soul. The way you seem to connect with people is a gift. You are such a wonderful woman. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, and sharing yourself with me. You never had to do that, but I am so very grateful that you did. I love you.

Emily (my daughter).... You are my dreams walking. You have such a rare ability to dream huge. Chase those dreams baby, do not let anyone tell you you can't achieve them. You have the soul of a poet, and that too is a rare gift, use it. You have become a wonderful young lady. I am so proud of you. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life, for allowing me to be your friend. I love you.

My family and friends.... You are all (each and every one of you) very special to me. I love you all for so many varied reasons that I have not the space here to list them all. Just know that if I count you among this group, you are loved, and I wish you joy and happiness overflowing. I am grateful to have been able to be a part of your lives. I hope that I always will be. I love you.

And last but by no means least...(he just doesn't quite fit into any of the other categories of people...not quite family, not quite friend...)

Tommy (The Honey)....What I have to say to you is not for these pages. It is not for anyone but for you, so until I talk to you again, and can say the things to you I want to say, just know that you are loved without measure, and without end. I love you.

There is only so much you can say out loud, only so many words that exist. I do not think they have yet come up with words strong enough to express how much you all mean to me. How important you all are in my life. If you could feel my love, you would be overwhelmed by it, bowled over with the sheer size of it. You would always feel warm wrapped in it, always content, filled by it. Know this now. Know it always. I will never stop loving any of you. I love you now, and forever.

I guess that's all, Goodnight.

My loyal readers....

Okay, so I normally do not whore myself out here like this, but there are some of you that I have really learned to like. So I want to invite you all to come and be my "friend" on my myspace page. I figure it is just a way for us to get to know each other a bit better, and be able to share things like pictures, that I do not often share here. If you are interested, just send a request to me on myspace, and make sure you leave a message letting me know who you are. ( I often deny friend requests from people I do not know. So many spammers and all.) I hope to get to know you all better soon. Hugs, Dawn

P.S. That's all, Goodnight.

A bucket of fuck is not a good feeling...

Okay, so I stayed home from work again tonight. It is so unlike me to do things like that, yet I seem to be doing a lot of it lately. (I once held the same job for six and a half years, and I only missed three days of work the entire time, due to my son's illness, not my own.) Thing is, I just feel shitty a lot of the time these days. Not just one thing I can point my finger at and say, "This is why I feel bad.", just a general malaise. I am tired all the time. Not sleepy, that is different. Just, I don't know...drained maybe is the right word. This cold I have just won't go away. Every time I think I have it beaten, it comes back with a vengeance. The cough is back, worse than before. The fever is back too. I am still getting unexplained bruises. They are showing up in strange places. On my chest, the insides of my thighs. I swear, I look like someone is beating me while I sleep. I am getting paler by the day. I think I am the whitest person in America (unless Michael Jackson is back in the States these days.) Even my lips and gums are pale now. Maybe I am anemic. I am taking extra iron everyday, but that doesn't seem to be helping any. I have raging headaches almost daily. My hair is getting thinner, and so am I. I still have some weight that I want to lose, but now I am getting a bit concerned that this weight loss that I have been experiencing is more than a mixture of stress and being in love. Maybe there is a reason to be concerned. I am not going to tell you all exactly how much weight I have lost, but I will say it is more than twenty pounds. It is even more than forty pounds, quite a bit more actually, and now I am getting worried. The bags under my eyes are a delicate shade of purplish blue. And I have pain sometimes in my legs... well, I know this sounds weird, but it feels like someone is scraping the insides of my bones with something sharp and metal. Wow. When I put it all in writing it seems obvious even to me that something isn't right. I know it is silly, but when it is happening to you, you just kind of overlook each little thing. Blow it off as a passing bug. But when you group it all together I am thinking maybe I need to make an appointment with a doctor. Someone other than my trusted OB/GYN. I think I will call tomorrow morning and see when they can get me in at my GP's office. It may turn out to be that I am just starting to to fall apart because I am getting older, but I would rather know, right? I just know that I am tired of feeling like a bucket of fuck. I want to feel healthy again. I want some of my old energy back. I want to feel well rested and strong. I want to feel like me. That's all, Goodnight.

Alone...

Okay, so how is it that you can have two men, both claiming to be in love with you, and still be the loneliest woman in the world? That's all, Goodbye.

Taken out of context, that could appear to be a very bad lesson...

Okay, so I just reread last night's post...the life lessons, and I have to say this...Numbers 17 and 18 have absolutely NOTHING to do with one another... lmao...at least in the context that I used them in. LMAO That's all, Bye!

Life lessons...

Okay, so here are the life lessons that i have learned in the last twenty four hours.

1.) If you yell at the people in your house while you are at work.. when you get home you will NOT have dinner waiting for you.

2.) When you are at your most lonely point, that phone will just not ring.

3.) Crying doesn't always make you feel better.

4.) There are only so many times you can hear about something you could give a shit less about, before you are able to tune it out completely. (But beware the long stare.. they will notice.)

5.) Working harder and faster just insures that the idiot working next to you will slow down and let you take up the slack.

6.) Tae-Bo will kick your ass if you smoke two packs a day.

7.) Sometimes it is hard to know if you are being complimented or insulted. (I was asked today how old I am... I answered...the response? Wow, You don't look that old... Compliment? Insult? Can't decide...)

8.) Even when very hungry, tasting that potato salad that is a week past it's expiration date is NOT a good idea.

9.) Mice like wheat flour.

10.) It takes only four and a half minutes to defrost a small package of boneless pork chops on the express defrost setting of my microwave.

11.) If you simply must go to the restroom after cooking your pork chop, do NOT leave your plate sitting on the coffee table. Cats like pork chops.

12.) Cooking a second pork chop takes approximately five minutes longer than the first one did.

13.) Watch the weather channel BEFORE making plans for the weekend.

14.) When the weather man tells you to make sure you are prepared...be prepared.

15.) Once it gets below 30 degrees. It all feels the same, so it doesn't matter how much colder it actually gets.

16.) Losing weight means less insulation.

17.) A real lady never spits unless brushing her teeth.

18.) I learned what Bukakke means, but I am not telling.

19.) If someone really wants to communicate with you, language is no barrier.

20.) If you put out kindness, you usually are met with indifference.

21.) Four o'clock in the morning is either too damned early, or too damned late for me to be blogging. (I am not sure if I am making sense anyway. Oh well.)

That's all, Goodnight.

My rambling thoughts...

Okay, so I know I have been slacking lately, and haven't really been writing much worth reading. For that I apologise. However, the truth of the matter is that there just hasn't been a whole lot going on in my life lately. The days are starting to blur together again, and I feel that sadness starting to creep up on me from out of nowhere. I guess that really it is mostly due to the whole hubby, Honey drama that I have going on. It seems like every day, the hubby wants to pick a fight with me about it. And every day, The Honey and I get less and less time together. It is not his fault, we just work completely opposite schedules, and so finding the time to talk is getting more difficult. Poor thing, he tries so hard to get up in the middle of HIS night to chat with me for at least a few minutes. But I think he is starting to wear out. He doesn't sleep enough as it is, and the late night rendezvous are getting more difficult for him. (My job has been keeping me later and later these days.) I miss him, and I get lonely. He knows it, and I think that is hard for him too. He wants me to be happy, and so he tries... God love him, 'cause so do I. I hate making him feel bad. I just miss him is all. Maybe soon we will get to have a nice long chat together, and I will feel better. He always knows just what to say to make me laugh. (And when Disco Daddy comes out to play, I giggle until I almost wet myself.) The hubby on the other hand, is NOT trying to please me. He mopes around all day doing nothing, and then picks fights with me when I come home. He has started a new thing lately that is getting on my last nerve. He gropes me, incessantly. It is not a nice groping, and he does it in front of anyone who happens to be around. It wouldn't be so bad if he was gentle, but he isn't. He pinches my nipples hard, and slaps my ass 'til it hurts every time I walk into the room. I have asked him numerous times just to stop. Of course that leads to the inevitable fight that starts out something like....""I bet you wouldn't tell "Your Honey" to stop!" To which I respond..."He wouldn't hurt me like that! So you are probably right. In fact, you are always right. Now leave me alone!" Needless to say the fight only gets uglier by the minute. It usually end something like this..."Fine, why don't you just move to ... and be with "Your Honey"!" To which I respond... "I just may fucking do that!" At that point he stomps out of the room like a child who has been told they can not have any candy, and now is going to hold his breath until you cave in. I swear at times like that, I feel like my head is just going to explode. I admit, when he starts in on me, I push all the buttons. I have tried just ignoring him. Doesn't work. It is easier to fight it out, really piss him off, and then let him feel as though he is punishing me with the silent treatment. (Amen for the silent treatment.) The sad part is, that I still love him. I will always love him. I just am not "In Love" with him anymore, and once that dies there is just no bringing it back. I have tried. Trust me, I have tried. Sometimes I feel bad about what I feel for The Honey. I do, sometimes. But mostly I don't. See, the thing about it is, that I was not looking to fall in love with someone else. I was not looking for anything. And to be completely honest, if my marriage was not already broken beyond repair, there would not have been room in my heart to fall in love with someone else. Loving is not something that comes easily to me. It comes naturally, but not easily. I have truly loved only three men in my life. And to date, I have only ever made love to one of those three. Kind of sad, isn't it? There have been men...(numbers are NOT important!) but only three who have managed to really get into my heart. One of them started out a lover, became my friend, married me, and now can't stand me. One of them loved me, but was not available to do anything about it. I would not let him do anything about it. We stayed friends for a very long time, and I miss him, but I had to let him go when I got married to allow myself to give my whole heart to the hubby. The other one of course is The Honey...I do not know what will eventually happen or not happen as the case may be. But, right now, at this moment, he is my very best friend. I adore him. And he is my lover. Not physically, but emotionally, mentally. He makes love to me with his mind. With his heart. With out ever touching me, he caresses my soul. He "breathes in my essence" and lets me become a part of him, and shares himself with me. Like I said, I do not know what will or will not eventually happen, but I hope that no matter what, he will always be a part of my life. I need him, he completes my soul. That's all, Goodnight.