Thursday, December 13, 2007

For the record...

It is no body's fault. I am just having one of those days. My emotions are all over the place. There is no reasoning, no rationale behind it, just pure unadulterated emotion. No excuses, no asking forgiveness, no explanation. Just me, raw, undeserving, uncaring, wildly swinging at anyone and anything that gets in the way. Sucker punching, back stabbing, angry momma cat fighting. If you need to forgive me, do it! If you don't want to, then fucking don't. I don't care. I care too much. That is my weakness. I let you get in my head. I let you get in my heart. i let myself be torn again and again until the very core of me screams, stop! But you can't. And I can't. And we go on and on until one or both of us breaks. Until all the shattered pieces of me collapse in a pile at your feet. And kiss you, and beg you to put me back together again. And will you? Will you, then? When I am on my knees, completely at your mercy? Will you see me for what I am? Scared, and alone, and loving, and battered, and bruised, and in need of a warm safe place to lay my head and just be me for awhile? And will I ever be enough? Will I ever be enough for just one person in this world? Just one special person who will see me and finally say to themselves... she is the one? Do I ever get that? And do you understand any of this? Cause i don't, I don't understand it. i just live it, feel it, breathe it, drown in it.

4 comments:

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

This must be the "angry" part of Angry White Woman in America.

I can dig it.

someoneswife said...

LBB,
Yeah, I suppose it is. The angry part, the hurt part, the scared part, the scarred part. The standing on the edge begging for someone to save me part. The "I am just a little bit crazy, but please love me despite it" part. The part I try to hide, and mostly can't. Not from the people who really know me anyway. And they do love me, despite it. And so that makes it all okay. Eventually. Today I am better. Today my mind is peaceful. Today I feel loved, and wanted and okay. And that is enough. For today. Hugs, Dawn

Princess Extraordinaire said...

I hear what you're saying as I've been there - I wish you weren't going through it though...

someoneswife said...

Mrs. Princess,
Thank You. I believe we all have days like this, days where nothing seems to be enough, and everything is just too much. Fortunately I have a lot of people who love me, and DO take the time to let me know it. Sometimes when you are feeling so blue, without a real concrete reason behind it, you are just unable to see the love that is right in front of you all along. Unfortunately, I say things when I am feeling like that, things that are hurtful and mean, and just not true...and then i have to say I am sorry the next day and hope I will be forgiven. On the bright side, the ones who truly love me, don't want to hear my appologies, they just tell me they love me, and move forward. (This is me smiling, Thank You baby for loving me enough to not need the apologies that I always offer afterwards.) Hugs, Dawn