Mirror, Mirror...

Okay, so Ticia is not happy that I posted her pictures. See, she doesn't see what I see when I look at her. What I see is an amazing woman, strong, funny, smart, vibrant. My friend. I love her. I think she is beautiful. She doesn't see that. She sees whatever it is that she sees, and is not happy with it. While I do not understand how she can not see what I see, I also do the same. When I sobered up, I almost deleted all the pictures of myself that I had posted. Why? Well, because I do not think that I am attractive, and posting unattractive pictures of myself is a sure way to invite someone to tell me how unattractive I am. I know it makes no sense to some of you. Some of you who are confident. Some of you who know who you are and are okay with that. I on the other hand, do not have that self confidence. I have self doubt. When I face that mirror everyday, I see all my flaws staring back at me. I see a flat spot on my nose, that I can not quite explain. I see that my ears are crooked, so when I am wearing my glasses, they always sit a little lopsided. I see that I have a mild lazy eye (It only becomes obvious when I am tired or drunk, but I see it.) In the last forty eight hours I have been called, "Hot", "Sexy", "Stunning", "Beautiful" and "Gorgeous". I responded that the people using those words to describe me were either blind, or mentally challenged. Because, I just do NOT see that. Any of it. I see an overweight, nearing middle aged, over worked, over tired, under loved woman who needs to lose thirty more pounds, get a tan, have a boob job, get a tummy tuck, needs a new nose, and maybe some liposuction and a Brazilian butt lift. I see the wrinkles starting around my eyes. I see the effect gravity is having on my body. I see the stretch marks, I see the sag where there used to be muscle. It is funny, how we all see something different when looking at the same thing. The Honey says I am "beautiful", that he loves the "whole package" (I think that was the term he used.) The hubby says I am "gorgeous" but that my face is getting too thin and I need to start eating more. Joel says I am "Sexy as hell." Three men, three sets of eyes, looking at the same woman, seeing different things. It has to do with many factors. It has to do with their own personal tastes. The Honey loves my mind, and so is blind to any flaws in my physical being. The hubby loves me, and is afraid that if other men desire me, he will lose me, and so wants to see me be less than what I can be. Joel is a sweet twenty one year old kid, who has seen me at my worst, and appreciates what it took for me to get where I am. (He struggles with his weight as well, and we exchanged "Fat photos") He knows that I still struggle with self confidence, and is attracted to that part of me that reminds him of his own battle scars. He wants to make me feel wanted, because he knows what it is like to NOT feel wanted. My neighbor Don is the one who said I am "hot". Don is a special case. He has always been attracted to me, even at my heaviest. He loves my heart. And that is why he sees what he sees. I was told I was "stunning" by a complete stranger tonight at Wal-Mart. Lmao. It is funny, because I didn't even bother to do anything today other than put on some moisturizer. No make-up, hair in a bun, tired, cold, in a hurry. And a total stranger said that I was "stunning". It feels good, but I find that hard to believe. Maybe if I start writing those words down. If i start saying them to myself everyday, I will eventually start to believe it. Maybe. Not likely. But if I expect Ticia to start seeing the beautiful woman I see when she looks in the mirror, then maybe I had better start to practice what I preach. That is all, Goodnight.