Judge not...

Okay, so you may have noticed, or not, that I changed my profile picture. The new one is a whole lot more current, having been taken in the last two weeks. Yes, I know I am still very fat. But I am still a work in progress damn it. If I actually told you how much weight I have lost in the last two and a half months, you would be shocked. And for the record, I have lost four more pounds since I took that picture. (Yeah for me!) I kind of plateaued for awhile, and I was getting very angry with myself. I do not accept failure in myself, and that was a hard one to take. So, the new loss is making me very happy. Moving on, things around here are all crazy as usual. I just can not believe the supreme stupidity of some people sometimes. I had a friend named Virginia, I have written about her before, but not by name. Well, Tuesday morning out of the blue, she calls me and asks if I would come over to chat with her for awhile. It was pretty early, so everyone here was still sleeping, Toni was asleep, and The Honey was working. So, having nothing better to do, I went over for some coffee and conversation. She talked to me about her upcoming wedding. She talked with me about our jobs, and our kids. And then, though I do not quite remember how the subject came up, she was talking to me about the fact that she once had an affair with a married man. Now, I am not one to judge. I have cheated on my husband. (Though I felt so guilty that I told him about it afterwards.) I also have had my share of flings with married men in the past, including one that lasted for over a year. People get married for many different reasons. People stay in bad marriages for even more varied reasons. So, when she confessed this to me, rather than judge her, I was just curious as to who the man was, and if I knew him. (It is not gossip if it is just a secret between two friends.) When I asked her these questions, she responded by telling me that she couldn't answer them. WOW! I was dumb struck. Obviously that meant it was someone I knew personally. My mind started spinning with the possibilities. I tried to think of all the men that she and I both knew, and jumped immediately to my husband. Now, at this point, if she wants my husband, she can have him. But, during the time that she had this affair, I was still beating my head against brick walls attempting to repair my damaged marriage. If I found out that she had fucked my husband back then, I think I would have ended up in jail. In fact I am certain of it. Virginia is not some wimpy little girl, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would be able to beat her half to death under the right circumstances, and finding that out would be one of those circumstances. She quickly assured me that it was not Jimmy that she slept with. At that point I was just confused. All the men that we both know are single. I couldn't think of another married friend we have in common. And then it hit me. There was one man. One. My sister's husband. I asked her outright if that was who she meant. She shook her head yes. She then proceeded to tell me how she had fallen for him, how he had told her that he loved her, and that he was going to get a divorce from my sis so that he could be with her. That lying piece of shit. And this woman I thought of as my friend. How could they? And why in the name of God would she tell me this? She asked me not to tell. "Are you fucking kidding me?", I thought to myself. I love many people in my life. I love my children first and foremost. I love my family and friends. And I love and am in love with Tommy. (Who doesn't quite fit into the family or the friend categories and so must have one all his own.) But on the list of people I would die for, my sister comes only behind my own children and her children. Everyone else in this world falls somewhere far behind her. I did not ask any questions, I only listened as she felt compelled to confess. I went home with a knot in my stomach. I now had some very important information, and I was not sure what to do with it. I knew this was not the first time he has cheated. But as my sister had been convinced that he was no longer doing those things, I felt I had to let her know. I know that many of you are thinking I should have kept my mouth shut. But, I have been where she is. I have been the last one to know, and it is not a good place. I could not let her go on thinking that everything was okay. I have watched her struggle too long to hold on to something that is obviously not worth having. If she knows, and continues to carry on with her relationship, that is her choice. But to not know, that is just not fair to her. So, I called her. And I told her. I also told her that it has apparently been over for a couple of months. That maybe he realized what he could lose, and chose to be with her. That maybe it was just another stupid mistake, and they could work through it. She confronted him that night. At first he denied it completely. And then he just got angry and said that it didn't last as long as she had claimed. He left, saying he was going to go confront her. He did not apologise. He did not stay and hold my crying sister. He did not reassure her that he still loved her, and had seen the errors of his ways, and come home to her and only her. She came to my house that night. I was at work, so she sat here with my husband, and cried, and drank, and cried some more. When I got home, I poured a drink, and drank with her. We went for a walk and cried together. We talked, and we ranted. She finally crawled into my bed, with me and my girls, and we all went to sleep. When I got up, she was already gone. She still has a life to live, and it must go on despite how she feels. All I can do is hope that things get better for her. And be here when she needs me. She made plans to just run away. To go somewhere and start fresh. When she does, I will probably go with her. We have both tried and failed to find our princes. I asked her, why we both settled for less than what we had always wanted? What is so broken inside of us, that we took less than what we deserve? She had no answer. I have no answer. But I am bound and determined to change it. I will find my happiness. I have already started. Though, thinking about what my sister is dealing with, I am not sure if I can be the "other woman" for long. But for now, I will take what I can get. I will accept the small measure of joy that I am allowed, and hold on with both hands. It has been so long since I even had that much. I hate Virginia for hurting my sister. I hate my brother-in law for hurting her too. But really, what makes me any different? Who am I willing to hurt in order to get my own joy? Who am I to judge? That's all, Bye.