Maybe someday...

Okay, so work was cold and boring today. (Or yesterday for those of you who go to sleep when the sun goes down instead of at dawn like I do.) I do not know why I was freezing my ass off. You would think I would be used to it by now, but some days it just seems colder in there than other days. And it was really fucking cold today. It was also boring. Maybe because most of the people I usually joke with all night were other places, or just not there at all. I couldn't wait to get out of there. Finally at a quarter to twelve they let us go. I called Toni, and she came to get me. She comes to get me every night, considering I do not have a drivers license. I have never had one, but that is going to change soon. I did drive us home tonight, since Toni had a headache. Don't worry, it is all perfectly legal. I have a learners permit. (Ha, long story, I will not go into right now. Let's just say that they do not like it when you get caught driving with no license and no insurance, and leave it at that.) But like I said, that will change soon. I am going to buy myself a new car. Well, new to me anyway. Bill and Deb have a nice Regal that they are going to sell me. It is a nice riding car, and big enough to fit all my kids. I am also going to buy a car from my friend Don. It is a little car. An Intrepid. Perfect for me to just run around in. Good on gas and all that. I am also considering a Blazer that another friend has. I know it is a gas guzzler and all. But it is cute. Multi-hued blue. Great stereo. Fun. I do not know why, but every time I get behind the wheel of a big SUV with a good stereo, I just crank it up, and want to go. Sometimes, I think about just driving and driving, and never coming back. Maybe someday I will. Probably not. I couldn't leave my kids. But stick my kids in the back, and I would probably just drive forever. Until I ran out of road. Or money. Or both. Maybe someday. Maybe soon. That is the main reason I need to just break down and go get my drivers license. So when I am ready, I can just go. I will just go. One day, I will just disappear. No one will know where I went. Hell, I do not know where I am going. I just know I have to go. I have to. Because I am just dying here. A little bit more everyday. I am losing myself, I am losing my soul. But if I get away soon, there might just be enough of me left, to recover. Maybe. The hubby got me an MP3 player tonight. A sony walkman violet. Who would have known he remembered that purple was my favorite color? I do not know why he gave it to me. (Maybe as an early birthday gift? I don't know. He didn't say.) I have been asking for one for two years. But, I will not question it. No point trying to read into his motives. I just loaded that sucker up with all the songs I had stored on my computer, and am listening to it right now. (I am currently listening to Paradise By The Dashboard Lights by Meatloaf.) I just wish we could listen to music at work. But at least now I can start taking those walks at night like I have been saying I am going to do for months. (But walking alone at night is so boring I just couldn't make myself do it.) I got to talk to The Honey for a few minutes tonight online. We were just saying Goodnight when he all of a sudden had to go. Now. To use his word. We all know what that means. LOL. Poor baby. He is taking a lot of chances these days for a little bit of time with me. I love that man. Maybe one day, we won't have to hide. Maybe. But probably not. I miss him when he is home. We have to revert to email. And instant message. And sending messages through myspace. And short whispered I love yous on the phone while he hangs out in the bathroom. But he is willing to take those chances to please me. And that means more to me than I think he knows. I want to be in his arms. I want to be able to walk down the street holding his hand. And not have to worry who sees us. Maybe someday. But probably not. That's all. Goodnight.