Mine and mine alone...

Okay, so you know, it is just my luck that I finally get myself a background, and a music player for my myspace page, and the first night I do, the stupid music player refuses to work. The main reason I got it, is so that I could just sign into my page, and listen to my tunes while I am surfing around. I could care less if anyone else ever listens to it. Now I have had to revert to using my windows media player. That means I have to create play lists of what I want to hear otherwise I end up listening to the same band ten songs in a row with some of the kids' music thrown in for good measure. That just isn't fair. Today was really quite normal for me. I got up, read my email, argued with the hubby, headed out the door to Toni's, called The Honey on the way, got to Toni's and stared the coffee, sat down and spent over an hour chatting with My Honey about absolutely everything, and nothing. And went to work. The only thing that happened to me today that reflects the true chaos that is my life, was a visit from Bill and Deb. Do not get me wrong. I adore them both. But it was something that Bill said that was so odd, and reflects my life. See Bill reads my blog faithfully, and he said that he was concerned that all my references to The Honey could come back to bite me in the ass at some later date. He made reference to the hubby using my blog against me in a divorce. I suppose that would be possible. Not probable, but possible. So let me make one thing perfectly clear for all of you who are not in the loop. I am NOT actually having an affair. At least not a physical affair. I will give you an affair of the mind, and I will concede to an affair of the heart. But, sad as it is to say, I have NOT had sex with The Honey. EVER! Not only have we never had sex, we have never kissed, held hands, or even so much as stared at each other from across a crowded room. The Honey and I have only had contact three ways. On the computer (emails, instant message, chat etc.), on the phone (Trust me, AT&T loves us!), and in my mind. I have done numerous shameful things to, with and for The Honey, but as far as I am aware, what happens in my own head is not admissible in court as evidence. So, please Bill, do not worry. I will be fine. It will be fine. And if/when that changes, and the affair becomes a reality, do not worry, I will not be sharing it with all of you. That will be mine and mine alone. That's all, Bye.

Maybe one of you could help...

Okay, so I haven't been able to sleep AT ALL yet tonight. I do not know why, so do not ask. If I knew, I would fix it. Anyway, so having NO ONE to talk to, and nothing to do for hours at a time, tends to make me a little bit insane. i start to do odd things. Tonight's odd thing that I was doing, was attempting to locate long lost friends. I have actually had quite a bit of luck, and have fired off emails to numerous old buddies tonight. (Not that many of the letters were coherent, but they all know me, and they will understand.) Now, that being said, I am having trouble locating one person that I would REALLY LOVE TO TALK TO! Now I firmly believe in the "six degrees of separation theory", which is why in 24 hours, i will be removing My Honey's pic from my previous blog. That gives all of you faithful readers ample opportunity to see him, but closes the window for anyone that might see it, and also know his wife. Lmao. We actually discussed this today. I know that the whole "six degrees thing" is fact, because all these years, The Honey and I have been separated by only two, yes two, people. One being my hubby, and two being a Marine Corps buddy the hubby and The Honey have in common. What are the fucking chances of that? (Apparently pretty damned good... it is a small world after all.) So, back to my original thought... wow, lack of sleep leads to many tangents...There is someone I would dearly love to find, and so I am going to recruit all of you to help me find him. His name is Erik Doran. He is in the United States Army. He appears to currently be active, an E-4, and still has a specialty of 19K10 (Which in English translates to - M1A1 ABRAMS Armor Crewman or Tanker if you will.) His home state of record is Tennessee, but the last time I spoke with him, he was stationed at Fort Riley in Kansas. Of course that has been some time ago now, and Tennessee is just as likely as anywhere else. You now all have a mission. Find him for me. Lets see if we can find him within six people of me. I really just need to know that he is well. Maybe then I will sleep better. That is all for now. Goodnight, Morning, or whatever the fuck you call the wasted time I am currently in.

At Last...

Okay, so let me just say that it appears we have a three week stay of execution at work. Our brilliant marketing department has been working overtime trying to drum up enough new business to keep our plant fully staffed, and have managed to round up three more weeks of work, while they wine and dine a HUGE potential client. Let's all wish them luck, shall we? In other news, I am missing my son like mad. I spoke to him Tuesday, and just hearing his voice made me miss him all the more. But he seems to finally be settling in, and finding some peace. When I woke up this morning, it was to find that four of my finches had died. I do not know what happened, but I need to tear down their cage and bleach it, in hopes of saving the seven I have left. Unfortunately this is a delicate process that will require much joint effort of the hubby and myself, and must be put off until this weekend when we will actually both be in the house awake at the same time. One a lighter note, Jon "The Hellbound Smoker" seems to have returned. I found this out just AFTER posting my last entry. How odd that the same day I post some Carlin videos, he opens his newest entry with a Carlin quote. Weird. And also, I got to talk to My Honey today, twice. I am so glad, maybe that means I will actually get some sleep tonight. That Man makes me laugh so much, and that always leads to a good nights sleep for me. So Thank You Baby, for all the laughs, and all the other stuff too. And for all of you who have been asking.. I am finally going to post a picture of My Honey.. he said I could, and I cropped the picture so all you jealous women could not see his name and try to steal him from me. (GET YOUR OWN DAMN IT!)

***NOTE*** I did actually post a picture of MY HONEY here. However, things being what they are, I think it is a prudent decision that I have made to remove that picture. While my hubby is fully aware of the ongoing "relationship" between The Honey and I, the same can not be said of The Honey's wife. So, in order to protect The Honey from what might not be a very pretty scene, I have removed his picture from this blog site. Maybe sometime in the future I will be able to post another picture of him (One of him holding me in his arms would be good!), but at this time, you have had your chance to view it. If you missed it, too bad for you.. TRUST ME, He is a cutie! That's all, Bye. ***NOTE***


Isn't he a doll? That's all, Goodnight.

I just needed a laugh...

Okay, so I really have nothing to say considering that all I have done since my last post is sleep. But I just really needed a laugh, and since Jon "The Hellbound Smoker" is still not back, I went to find some on youtube. I love Carlin. He makes me giggle.


That's all. Bye

April fools...

Okay, so tonight was about the most chaotic night I have had in years. It seemed that everything at work that could possibly go wrong, did. I actually had to shut the whole line down three times, something we NEVER do. I kept waiting for someone to jump out and shout "April Fools" at us. I hope we never have another night like this again. And to top it all off, we may all be getting the axe tomorrow. It seems as though our biggest account has decided not to renew their contract with my company. So, we are all for the chopping block. Our entire shift, our whole crew. All fifteen of us. (Yes, I know that we are a tiny group, but we are a close knit group, and we do not want to be parted.) Apparently some of us will be offered positions on the day crew. Others of us will be offered positions in nearby facilities. And some of us will be let go. I have this sinking feeling that my relatively "newcomer" status will put me in the latter group. I was trying to decide what I will do if this happens. The simple fact is, I need a job. An old flame of mine and I were talking not long before I started this job. I had told him that I was job hunting, and he offered to get me a job working for him. He runs the bar at one of our local casinos. So I just may end up being your friendly neighborhood bar-bitch. I have never actually tended bar before, but way back when, when I used to "date" this guy (Okay, maybe date isn't the word. I was his mistress for a little more than a year.) I used to jump behind the bar and help out whenever I was needed. He always wanted to hire me back then too, but I do not think that working with the person you are sleeping with is a good idea. Since we have not slept together in YEARS, I do not think this will be such an issue now. Though I must admit that I am curious as to what his wife would think. She and I are actually on friendly terms (Yes, she knows all about us. Stupid fucker fessed up in a marriage counselling session.) but I am not sure how she would feel about us being together all of the time again. She really has nothing to worry about. I am not interested at ALL, but when he confessed about me, he remarked that of all the women he had cheated on her with, I am the only one he ever considered leaving her for. (Why the hell any man would confess THAT MUCH information is just beyond my comprehension.) I guess I could call her and make sure that she would be okay with it, before I accept the job, but I really need the job. If she said she was not okay with it, I might still take the job anyway, and that would make her angry. Hmmmm. I need to think this through a bit. Besides, all this stress may be for naught. We have not been told yet for certain what the future holds for us at work. I will worry about it later I guess. On a more cheerful note, The Honey called me tonight when I was on my lunch break. Silly man used the company phone since he is having so much trouble with the other one. I warned him that he is going to get read the riot act, but he says he doesn't care. He said he just needed to hear the sound of my voice for a few minutes. Isn't he sweet. (No, he is not just sucking up because I have been upset with him. He ALWAYS talks to me that way.) I miss him when we do not get to talk. He has spoiled me with an average of three to five calls a day for months, and so now when we are both so busy just living our lives, I feel like something is always missing. Will I ever get over feeling that way? Anyway, That's all. Goodnight.

Plot Twists and rewrites...

Over four days without the sound of his voice. Emails two or three times a day, and instant message... how shitty is that? His voice is like a drug to me, heroin, coke, take your pick. I always want more. And when I get more, it is never enough. I miss the sound of his smile. I can hear it you know, when he smiles. Even in instant message that man can read me like a book, he knows too well. How my mind works. He knows what I am thinking before I do. He completes my thoughts for me. He says he can "feel" my smiles. Apparently through his keyboard. LMAO. What a sad little story it all is really. My life. Who ever wrote it was trying for a comedy, and ended up with a tragedy of epic proportions. I just hope the ending gets better, that he or she does a rewrite before publishing the final draft. That all the fucked up stuff turns out to be just bad plot twists intended to keep the reader interested. That in the end the heroine gets to be happy, even if just for the last page. That's all, Bye.

One month and counting...

Okay people, you have exactly one month from today to get me something absolutely wonderful for my BIRTHDAY. Since i am tired of getting things I do not want, I have decided that this year I will just throw out a few suggestions of things I REALLY DO WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY (Complete with links where you can buy it, see how simple I am making it for you?) So here goes it....

1.) Red Dwarf on DVD... I know it was hokey as hell, but it always made me laugh out loud, and I miss it. Stupid PBS for getting rid of my SCI-FI Saturday nights. You can order them for me here.

2.) A My Chemical Romance Hoodie. I want it because I love the band, and it will keep me toasty warm at work. I want the 2x please. I wear many layers of clothes at work, so the bigger the better. You can get the one I want here.

3.) The book "The Claiming Of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice (Writing under the name A. N. Roquelaure). I am well aware that it is an "erotic novel". But since I am not having sex anymore, I need something to help me fall asleep. You can order it here.

4.) The Cd's "Foiled" and "Argue With A Tree" by Blue October. I just love those guys, I wanted Yellowcard too, but my buddy already burned that one for me early. You can order them here.

5.) A Ham, Pineapple, and Jalepeno pizza with a stuffed crust delivered to me at work in time for my 8:30 lunch break. If you want to send me this for my birthday, call me, or email me, and I will give you all the info you need to make it happen.

6.) A fifth of Jack Daniels, and a two liter of Pepsi. I am not sure if you can send the booze in the mail, but it is worth a shot. (No pun intended.)

7.) Any wrapped gift, and a Birthday Card. The hubby usually forgets it is my Birthday until one of my friends brings me over a gift, then he runs out and gets me something, so I haven't had a wrapped gift or a Birthday Card for YEARS!

Well, that about completes my list of things I want for my Birthday, so unless you can figure out how to ship me My Honey, just pick something off the list. That's all, Goodnight.

An update...

Okay, so over the past few days there have been a few new things happening. First of all I want to say that The Honey is still My Honey. He did lie, and boy was it a whopper, but we have talked about it, well kind of, the reason why he lied, not really about the lie itself. (I am not sure if either of us is really ready for THAT conversation yet.) We just keep skirting the issue, but have come to the conclusion that we make each other happy, most of the time, and so are going to just move on from here. I do hope however that I made the point abundantly clear that I can not tolerate another lie, that will be a deal breaker. I am still a bit pissed that he lied to me in the first place, but he has asked me to forgive him, and any man who readily admits that he fucked up and asks to be forgiven derserves at least one more chance, don't ya think? We had a nice chat last night, but there were some strange little uneasy silences, I hope we get past that quick, because that man makes me smile, and I miss it... My father packed up and moved out on Friday while I was at work. No goodbye, no fuck you, nothing. He went to Ohio, and quite honestly I hope he stays there. One less mouth to feed, and one less person to clean up after. (Not that much cleaning has been taking place here lately. Really my house is beyond gross, and I just need to bulldoze it and start over.) But things should be a bit more peaceful without him flying off the handle at my kids all the time for just being kids. (Yes, I am one of those parents who lets the kids do almost anything as long as no one is getting hurt.)... The hubby and I have called a semi-truce. He ignores me, and I ignore him, and as long as he doesn't ask about The Honey, I don't bring him up. I have been trying to be polite about it all, not talking to him in the same room with the hubby, waiting until he is out of the room to send emails, etc. But I just don't know how much longer the truce will last. He asked me last night if I still talk to The Honey, I am always honest with him, so I said yes. He started slamming doors, and cabinets, and cussing, and stormed off into the other room. Am I supposed to lie to him? Is that what he wants? It is not like the hubby and I have any real relationship anymore, we coexist under the same roof, that is about the extent of things. He still tells me he loves me daily, in between the temper tantrums, and the nasty comments. I still say Thank You, I really just do not know what more he expects from me... Also, while my site was blocked, I couldn't even rant about how much I miss the humour of Jon "The Hellbound Smoker". He has moved, and it is taking some time to get his computer service connected. I miss his new posts, I miss the laughs. But I am NOT adding another link to his page, that is how I got temporarily suspended from being able to post blogs. If you want to see his page (Which I highly recommend!) then you have to click the link over under the big clock on my page. That's all, Bye for now.

Good thing I am not hungover...

Wow... I should never blog while drunk. Glad I beat you all here this morning. That's all, Bye.

If it weren't for bad luck....

I wouldn't have any luck at all. So, I wanted to write today, about all the shit I have been going through, but the "Blogger Spam-Prevention Robots" in all their infinite wisdom have decided that I have too many links to Jon "The Hellbound Smoker's" website, and have determined that I am not a real person in need of a place to vent. Instead I am apparently a computer program set to generate "non-sensical" text with the sole purpose of directing traffic to his site. Nice huh? In fact, by the time you read this post, a real live person will have reviewed my site, and fixed the problem. I know this because I currently receive this message every time I try to post a new entry. "This blog has been locked by Blogger's spam-prevention robots. You will not be able to publish your posts, but you will be able to save them as drafts. Save your post as a draft or click here for more about what's going on and how to get your blog unlocked." See, I told you I have the worst luck in history. That is why I do not do dangerous things, or gamble, both of which would likely have very bad consequences. I am beginning to rethink that whole wanting to skydive thing I have. With my luck I would end up a splat on the ground being covered by the local news station. If I swim with the dolphins, I will probably get attacked by the first ever recorded man-eating dolphin pod. Hell, driving too fast is liable to end up with me in a "near fatal" accident. I say near fatal because that would be my luck. I wouldn't actually die and get it over with like most normal people. I would probably end up losing multiple limbs, and be in some fucked up coma like state, where I felt and understood everything, but everyone around me thought I was brain dead. The hubby would then insist on keeping me alive against all my desires to never live like that, and I would spend the next forty or so years in hell. I am beginning to think I should just wrap myself in bubble-wrap before I leave the house each day. And as for getting that mammogram my doctor wants, he can just fuck off. I don't want to know. That's all, Bye.

Hinder - Lips of an Angel

Him...

I am angry.

I am hurt.

I don't want your help.

I just want someone to hear me scream.

I just want.

Oh God, I just want..

Oh, God Help me, I just want...

Him.

I willingly admit I lost...

Okay, so I got fucked again. (Not literally of course, that would be pleasurable. And God knows i am not allowed any pleasure in my life, that would be asking for too much.) See, it seems "The Honey" is just as big a liar as the hubby. I should have known really. Any man who says "I Love You" before you say it is a liar. If they say it after you say it, they are a liar. If they open their mouths to speak, they are lying. Okay, maybe that is not strictly true. I have known some men who are not liars. I think when my grandfather told me that he loved me he was telling the truth. I think when my son says it, that he is speaking from his heart. But let a man think that there may be something in it for him to say those three little words, and they come flying out faster than a speeding bullet. See, I asked "The Honey" a question this weekend. Gave him the opportunity to come completely clean with me, with no hard feelings, and no change in our "relationship". He lied anyway. I just do not get it. Why lie if you do not have to? I guess I just do not understand, because it is not in my nature to tell lies. I have been upfront with him from day one. I have nothing to hide, simply because I do not tell lies in the first place. Does that make any sense? Anyway, I can deal with a lot of shit, but lies are not one of those things. So, I guess that is that. Time to answer that email that has been sitting in my inbox awaiting my reply for the last couple of days. I mean really, he heads the Omaha branch of FEMA, he is a hell of a lot closer, and apparently he is really interested in meeting me. The way I understand it, he has a pretty good life, and quite frankly I think I am done looking for love, it just doesn't exist for me, so now i am willing to settle for someone who will get up each morning and put in his hours to pay the bills. I really never thought I was one to settle for less than all my heart yearns for, but every time I let my heart get involved, I just end up fucked up even worse. You know, the worst thing is, that I know better. I am a smart woman where all else is concerned. But when it comes to my heart, I just offer it up as a sacrifice to be destroyed. I just don't understand why they take pleasure in hurting me. What the hell do they get out of it? Is there some kind of contest where they get points each time they make me cry, and no one has bothered to clue me in on it? If that is the case, let me offer this up... You win, I give up, I can't take anymore, I concede defeat. There, will that do the trick, can you be done fucking with me now? Or do I need to take out an ad in the three largest newspapers in America telling the world that you were victorious? Do I need to rent some billboard space? Tell me what it will take to make you stop tearing me in two. I do not have any fight left in me. Not for this. I have nothing left for you to destroy. I have no love left to offer to the next one. You used it all up. You have killed the part of me that had the capacity to give a shit about myself or anyone else. Are you proud yet? You should be. You have done what no other man was able to do. Wouldn't your Momma be so proud? That's all. Fuck this.

Kiss off...

Fuck it.. I am done!

Crazy Bitch...

Okay, I just want to go on record saying that I think my crazy is starting to rub off on the people in my life, and I will leave it at that. Not much new has been going on the past few days. I have just been working, missing my son, and missing My Honey. I did get an email from my son. I love that child beyond words. I need him like I need air. I need to hurry up and get moved out, so he will want to come and spend his weekends with me. Right now, he is so upset with his father that he just doesn't want to be around home. He appears to be having a good time on his vacation in Montana though. And that is a good thing, he needs to relearn how to be a child. It is my fault that he has grown up so fast. I relied on him far too much to help me with the girls, and to be my confidant, and even sometimes my partner in crime. (Not literally of course, just my best friend.) The line between the mother/child relationship, and the friendship sometimes blur with us. Hopefully this year will reestablish those boundaries. I need to give up my friendship with him, and just be his mom again for awhile. It is just that I spent so long feeling alone, and just caring for my kids. I couldn't talk to my hubby, he never listens anyway. So Jamie became my sounding board. Now, I blog instead. There are just some things you can't talk to your kids about. On a different subject, The Honey is starting to realize that I am a nut job. Anyone who reads my blog can figure that out. He actually told me in his latest email that I confuse the hell out of him. What I want changes so drastically from day to day. One day I never want to hear "I Love You" again, the next day I am begging to hear it. I just want to state that I always want to hear the TRUTH, whatever that may be, despite anything I may say to the contrary. The easiest way to have me in your life, is to just learn to ignore any negative shit I may say, because I will be saying the complete opposite in about an hour. See, nuts huh? But that is just me, I do not know how to fix it, and to be honest I am not sure I would if I could. I read a line in D1rtyf1lthy's LiveJournal that states... "Fuck women get it bad. Seems every chick I know is messed up, bad things have happened in the past, their guts have been messed round with, their insides get all mangled and it takes a long time, it takes a real long time to come right." I do not know how to describe myself any better than that. So if you love me, just overlook the odd behaviour, you will never understand it. And if you do, please clue me in, because I am lost as hell. That's all, Bye.

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too...

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Who nedes slepl cchek? You popele can jsut furgie tihs siht out on yuor own form now on.

I actually finished the second sentence of that paragraph before i realized that it was all fucked up. I am not very observant am I?

Getting what I need, when I need it...

So, I am feeling pretty good about myself today. I am not sure why exactly. Maybe it has a little something to do with the fact that yesterday I ran into an old friend that I had not seen in a few months. He drove past Toni and I as we were getting home from shopping, and turned around to come say hello. As he walked up to my side of the car he told me that he liked the blonde hair. Then I stepped out of the car. It was great to see his mouth drop open like that. I have told you all that I have been losing weight lately, but to see the effect of the loss reflected in someone else's face, well that was wonderful. I will be completely honest and say I had gotten down right chunky there for awhile. Too many years of depression led to a not so cute me. But, I have really been working hard at trying to get my figure back, and if the look on his face is any reflection of the job I am doing, I am doing awesome. I still have a bit more that I want to lose. Three pregnancies, and a combined total of about 34 pounds worth of babies have not been kind to my body. But I am getting there. He just kept looking at me and saying "wow" over and over again. It was actually funny. We talked about the troubles I am having with the hubby, and he has informed me that he wants to set me up with a friend of his. Apparently the guy is a suit during the day (he works for FEMA just over the river in Omaha) and a tattooed biker type at night. (He has a Harley.) Dave said that I am just his type. Cute, funny, smart, sexy. I think Dave is being terribly sweet, but I will take all the compliments I can get, since I get none at home. I told Dave that I am pretty busy these days, between work, the kids, The Honey, the hubby, I just do not know where I would find the time to add someone else to my life. But, Dave insisted that he is going to give my email address to this guy. I guess it wouldn't hurt to email with him. Anyway, the hubby keeps trying to fatten me back up. I guess he is noticing that other men are noticing me. What he seems less inclined to notice, is that I am over him. I want other men to notice me. I spent almost fifteen years trying to get him to notice me without any real payoff. I want payoff for my efforts damn it, and now I am getting it. I have heard it said "you don't know what you have until it is gone", but the men in my life need to wake up, and realize that if they do not pay attention when I need them to, I am going to move on. I need affection, and I am going to start getting what I need for a change. I want what I need when I need it, when they say they will do it, not when they finally get around to it. I am tired of being an afterthought. I want to be the priority for a change. I want to be thought of as a gift in their lives, not as a chore they need to remember to do. I want romance, I want flowers, I want late night phone calls about how much I am loved. So maybe I will email with this guy for awhile, and see what happens. I will keep you posted. That's all, Bye.

Tickle Tests...

So, I am awake with nothing to do on a Saturday night other than sit in front of this screen and waste time, (I know it is sad, I do not need you to tell me that.) when my sister-in-law Leticia invites me to Tickle to take some funny little quizzes about such things as "Are You A Sex Goddess?" and "What Kind Of Sexy Are You?". So I took a few of them, just for shits and giggles. Does this sound like me?

What is your best quality? Dawn, your best quality shines through in how Intelligent you are.
The fact that you're a smart person who is more able to understand complex concepts than many other people are really draws people to you! But that's not the only thing. Your answers on the test indicate you're great at expressing yourself and can be at your best when articulating your ideas or communicating with others. You are a caring and considerate person who is typically very loving, as well, too.

Are you a sex Goddess? VENUS, the Goddess of Love and Beauty.
Let's just say that you are a deity with quite a fan club. Popular and pretty, you fill men with desire. Taking pride in your appearance, you have a very feminine way about you. Although you have perfected the art of innocent flirting, beneath that naive exterior lies a woman ready to hit the sheets and get busy. And once you're in the bedroom, your divine instincts take over. Smooth as silk in sexual situations, you know how to make your lovers melt. And you awe men with your sexual confidence and skilled performance. You are a diva of delight. Suddenly, like a light from the heavens, your partner discovers your true inner nature. Behold, the skies proclaim, here lies a goddess!

What turns you on? Dawn, a Good Laugh turns you on Admit it: In grade school, you weren't head over heels for the captain of the soccer team or the swim team; you were swooning over the class cut-up's hilarious remarks from the back row. And in many ways, you still are. For you, good conversation — and even better laughs — are the sexiest things around.

Whether you like your humor punchy and risqué, sharp and insightful, or with gestures and props, your libido responds most passionately to skilled observation, quick wit, and the ability to laugh at ourselves and each other. A fun-loving person like you will find a connection through a flirty giggle over a silly joke. Sure, good looks are hot, but for you, there's nothing sexier than the things that tickle your funny bone!


What kind of sexy are you? Dawn, you're Smart 'n' Sexy. Your intellect puts you in a class above the rest, and it creates a sexual aura that's untouchable by people who possess nothing more than a pretty face. You have people and intellectual smarts and are able to juggle them accordingly. Your sense of the world at large and your world around you draws people to your mind, and what a beautiful mind it is.

Whether you look the part in horn-rimmed glasses and a finely pressed suit or dress simply in a T-shirt and jeans, your style really takes off when you flaunt your intellectual prowess. You're probably happier volunteering for a good cause, like tutoring kids, than spending all night partying with friends — well, at least some of the time. You've read the classics, or at least know what they are, and get the greatest rush when you can fully connect with people — both mind and body. While you may have the looks as well, it's your brains that turn up the heat wherever you go.

What are your results like? That's all. Goodnight.

Happy Birthday Baby...

Okay, so honestly this post is not for anyone but my sweet, sexy Tommy. And all the things I really want to say to him, quite frankly are not fit to print here. So let me just say this... Happy Birthday Baby. I miss you. I Love You. And I hope is was a good day for you. (Well, I hope is was as good a day as it could be considering that you were working. And honestly I hope you did not have time to go out and get a little somethin' somethin' after work. Well, because to be perfectly honest, I want to be the one to give you that kind of present for your birthday! And the day after, and the day after that.... etc. etc.) There is always next year. Make note to self... trip to visit The Honey next year on August 18th. That is all I really have. But I picked this song for you sweetheart. Just know, I think about you A LOT! That's all, Goodnight

Warning, the links included in this post will cause permanent brain scarring...

Okay, so I just consumed a doughnut for lunch. The first such indulgence in weeks. I am already regretting it. Not only does it mean that I will probably regain two pounds, but it was nasty, and I now feel ill. It was stale, and even dipping it in my coffee (black please, trying to cut the calories a little.) did not help. I should have just tossed it after the first bite, but my brain was screaming for some sugar. Note to self... no more nasty doughnuts. Ugh. Anyway, I have realized that I have far too much time on my hands these days due to the fact that I hardly ever sleep anymore. I found myself actually clicking links, and googling for various information that was included in some post or another that I have read. We all know by now that my favorite website on the net is a blog belonging to Jon "the hellbound smoker" Adams. This man is fucking hilarious, but I should have known better than to actually go looking for shit he is talking about. For example, sitting here with nothing better to do, all my chat buddies having long since logged off, everyone in the house asleep and snoring, I was bored and decided to try to find a picture that Jon made reference to some time back in one of his posts. The picture is called Loopback. Do not click the link if you know what is good for you. It is a picture of a man committing auto sodomy. Auto-Sodomy is the act of self sodomy, in other words sticking your own penis in your own ass. I tried to tell you, too much time on my hands. Well, needless to say I found the picture. It is not a pretty sight, but well you know.. a girl gets curious sometimes. And of course, once I found the picture, I just had to click some of the other links on the page. I wish I did not have such a desire. I am now scarred for life. I actually clicked a link that led me to a video of "The Biggest Pussy Ever". What the hell was I thinking? Yes, it is a porno clip. If you absolutely must see it, click flash player at the top of the video box. But it is kind of like driving past a fatal car wreck. You do not really want to look, you just can't help yourself. I laughed my ass off I must admit. I almost literally fell out of my chair, with tears streaming down my face. I was strangely repulsed and and fascinated at the same time. That shit has got to be a prosthetic of some sort right? That can not possibly be real can it? If my sweet little coo coo looked like that I would figure out a way to kill myself and dispose of my own body in such a way that it would never be found. Can you imagine what the guys in the morgue would be saying? If I worked the morgue and something like that came in I swear I would be inviting all my friends to come see. And of course once I was at the freak show of a website, I had to click more links. That was when I decided I finally understood the old adage "curiosity killed the cat". I will have nightmares for months because of the things I saw. I will have nightmare villains consisting of giant pussies, and malformed penises chasing me until I launch myself from the highest rooftop. And you people wonder why I do not sleep. I need to have more dreams like the one I had last night. I will not share it, because it is intensely personal. Let's just say that I was talking to The Honey yesterday, and he said things to me that I will not repeat to you. I, of course, was surrounded by a crowd of people and unable to respond. I kinda like that, though it made concentrating on work a bit difficult for the first hour or so afterwards. (Okay, I liked it A LOT!) But it did make for some really interesting dreams. I actually slept for about seven hours, and woke up feeling wonderfully refreshed. Who knew that was what I needed to help me sleep? I wish I had, I would have had him do that for me long ago. Anyway, I need to get some clothes on (Yes, I am typing this still wrapped in a sheet.) and head out to get some cigarettes. That's all, Bye.

Counting My Blessings (Part Two)...

Okay, so sometimes I get in these funks that I just can't seem to climb out of on my own. I am used to it. It is all part of my undiagnosed mental health issues I am sure. I am not really crazy. At least I do not think so, but I have wild mood swings from time to time, and I get the blues something fierce occasionally. Most people would not consider this a blessing. I know you are going to think I am completely off my rocker now, but I do. The reason I count this as a blessing is because I do not just feel the "blues" so acutely, but I also feel all other emotions just as passionately. I feel great joy, and passion. I feel huge love, and contentment. All in all , it is a good trade off. Also, a benefit of feeling shitty from time to time, is finding out that there really are people out there that love me, and worry about me. A number of my friends and loved ones asked me about numbers 4 and 7 in my post titled Things About Me That You Will Never Need To Know. And I have already been questioned repeatedly about "flying without wings" in the post A Beautiful Lie. The truth of the matter is that I often contemplate suicide as a possible escape from the chaos that is my life. The truth of the matter is also that I am just too big a pussy to ever do it. And quite honestly, even if no one else does, I like me. I am one hell of a gal, and I am just not ready to give up me yet. So, for all of you that have asked, I am okay. Sort of. And if ever there comes a time when I do not think I will be, I will call you and let you come and save me. Everyone needs saving once in awhile after all. But count yourselves among the many blessings in my life. And I love you too. And please drop by another blessing in my life Handbook For The Hellbound and thank Jon "the hellbound smoker" for being so damned funny that he pulls me out of my funks against my will. That's all, Bye.

A Beautiful Lie...

Okay, so I have decided that every man I have ever loved is willing to lie to me to spare my feelings. Sometimes "pretty little lies" as I call them, can be good things. But the one lie that no one should ever tell is "I Love You". You know, I swear I believe that no one should ever say those words. They are the three most hateful, hurtful words ever spoken. If I spend the rest of my life not hearing them again, I will die a content woman. I am not sure if I will ever let those words pass out of my mouth again as long as I live. Every time I do, I get shit on. (Yes, I mean that figuratively, not literally. Yuck, get your mind out of the gutter you pervs.) I used to want to be told pretty lies. I guess I am getting too old for the game. It just hurts now. I am tired of feeling like I want to fly without wings. I am sick of the lies, all of them. So just stop it. That's all. See Ya.



And do not forget to stop by my favorite site (and yours, if you have half a brain) Handbook For The Hellbound.

I am in a really pissy mood, leave me alone...

I do not have one single fucking thing to say tonight, except visit Handbook For The Hellbound.

Counting My Blessings...(Part One)

Okay, so I worked my ass off tonight. I am too tired to write much. I heard from The Honey and apparently we talk too much. His job told him that he can't use his work phone for personal calls anymore. Sorry, I find that kind of amusing. I tried to warn him about that over a month ago, but men never listen. (Silly Honey! You should listen to me, I am ALWAYS right!) He did run right out and get a new cell phone for his personal calls though, so I still get to talk to him. (Yeah for me!) I miss him so much when we don't get a chance to talk. He helps keep me grounded. With all the crazy shit that happens in my life, he is the one person I can count on to talk me down and keep me calm. I borrow sanity from him on a regular basis. I hate to admit this, it shows so much weakness on my part, but I really need him in my life. He makes me happy. He makes me "smile like a jackass eating cactus." He makes me feel special. And loved. And wanted. Those are things I have not felt in a very long time. I am blessed to have him in my life. And even though he does not believe in prayer, I Thank God for him everyday. (Because I have enough faith for the both of us.) That's all, Goodnight.


No, I did not forget about shamelessly plugging Handbook For The Hellbound. So here is the SHAMELESS PLUG.... check out Handbook For The Hellbound, the funniest site on the net.

I think my brain is going to stage a coup against my heart...

So, I had a shitty night of sleep. And now I am up and wide awake yet again far too early. I swear if I do not start sleeping better soon, I may end up in the nut ward for awhile. I really think this lack of honest to goodness sleep is starting to have a negative effect on my brain. Anyway, I have decided that I need to get the hell out of Dodge as soon as possible. Living with this hubby of mine is no good anymore. It is always extremely unpleasant to be around him, and this house is just not big enough to share. I am miserable, he is miserable, and my kids are miserable. Just a bad situation all around. Problem is, with my work schedule it is extremely convenient to have him here with my girls at night. They can sleep at their own house instead of at some baby sitter's place. I could always drag my father along for the ride with me when I go, so I would have a built in sitter, but that means one more mouth to feed, and I really can't afford him. Oh well, I will figure it out soon I hope. The Honey is working so much these days it seems we hardly get to talk anymore. Which really sucks, because talking to him helps me maintain my sanity. I don't know why, something in his voice just triggers a calming effect in my brain. I miss him. Also, to be honest, I am tired of being the bird. I want to be the worm for awhile, so from now on, he can call me if he wants to talk. Sorry if I seem extra bitchy these days, the stress of all this shit is just tearing me down. I miss my son. He moved in with his aunt and uncle last week, and I miss the sound of his voice. I know in my heart that he is in the best place he could be for right now, but it doesn't make it any easier. Last night he called home and tore my heart out. I had spent most of the day with him, shopping for school supplies, and it was a nice time. But apparently it made things harder for him, because he called me crying saying he wanted to come home. I want him to come home too. He was not sent to live there as a punishment for anything he had done. I sent him there because here is just not good for him, especially the way things are right now. I hope someday he gets it. I hope he realizes that if I loved him less I would never have sent him. In fact, he begged for a year to be allowed to go there. That broke my heart let me tell you, but I understood too. His father is not a very "fatherly" type. His way of parenting is to ignore the kids as much as possible until they irritate him so much he just starts yelling at them. And he is not exactly the role model I would wish for my children. Okay, I do not want to talk about this anymore. I am tired of crying all the time, over the situations I put myself in. You know, I feel so stupid. I was gifted with a brain that works, and I tend to make decisions based on my heart instead. Maybe I need to learn to be a cruel hearted bitch all the time, and I wouldn't get hurt so much. Is there a class I can take to learn that? Anyway, that is all for now, Bye.

P.S. I sent Jon "the Hellbound Smoker" a happy birthday wish, and got a VERY interesting response. But no I will not share it with you, I like him too much to do that to him. Still, I am laughing my ass off. Thanks Jon, I needed that!!! You sexy thing. Check out his site, the funniest shit on the web - Handbook For The Hellbound.

My son...

I miss my son. That's all, Goodnight.

What sexy means to me...

So, I was just sitting here chatting with my friend Jeremy, and stuffing my face full of a huge salad. (By the way, Kraft Asian Toasted Sesame dressing rocks!) I was also watching videos on my music page, and I realized that what I think is sexy is probably weird to other people. For example.. I think that the way the singer from Buckcherry moves is sexy as hell. He himself is nothing much to look at, but the way he moves, well it just turns me on. Strange, huh? I also love a mans hands. Strong hands are sexy as hell to me. Hands like this....




I want to feel hands like that touching me, all over. (Actually I want THOSE hands touching me, but that is for another day.) Also, I love deep voices, kinda gravelly. That is sexy. Brown eyes... I have a thing for brown eyes.
Short hair, high and tights, flat tops, etc. just get my juices flowing. Hairless chests, or nearly so, are sexy to me. A great sense of humour.. that is sexy. (Like thinking Handbook For The Hellbound is funny, which The Honey does!) Big, honest smiles.



Yeah that is sexy too. Clean shaven faces..... yummy. (Maybe a goatee, but only sometimes.) Lips, I like lips. Soft kissable looking lips. Uniforms... I swear I have a thing for uniforms. I know it is weird, and I have only once been involved with an active military member, but I just think they are sexy. Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that they make me feel safe somehow. I don't know but my favorite uniform is Marine Dress Blues. I swear I have a long standing fantasy about the insides of my thighs being rubbed raw by some Blood Stripes.




I am turned on by men who are not afraid to cry. Is that weird? It is a great feeling when a man trusts me enough to cry with me. Just sexy as hell for some reason. I also like men who are just a little bit shy. You know, overly confident men just don't trip my trigger. Men who treat their women and children like gifts. That is sexy to me. A man who knows how to spoil his wife and kids is a keeper. (And I do not mean he has to make huge money and spend it all on them, just the way he treats them.) A man who knows how to put in a hard day at work, comes home filthy, and still kisses his woman first thing when he walks in the door, that is sexy. A man who loves me for my mind, and thinks all the other "fun parts" of me are an added bonus, that is sexy. A man who is not afraid to say what is on his mind. Sexy. A man willing to go outside his comfort zone to please me, well that is SEXY AS FUCK. (*cough webcam cough*) A man who thinks I am special, that is sexy too. Having doors opened for me, sexy. When a man sees me walk in a room, and does a double take. Sexy. Being with the person you love somewhere, and you catch each others eyes from across the room, and just smile... sexy. I know, I am a strange one. But that is what is sexy to me. What is sexy to you? That's all, Goodnight.

Why tits are good...

So, I went into work today thinking that I would get four maybe five hours of overtime in. Yeah right. Try ten hours. On a Saturday. Assholes. And tonight was the first night that I did the paperwork for the product we were working. Let me just say, I am glad the night is over, and let me just say that I did an awesome job. (Pats self on the ass since there is no one around here to do it for me. And yes I said ass, not back, cause ass pats are much, much better.) I helped push twenty one racks tonight that averaged twenty four hundred pounds each, and I pushed about as many empty racks that average about nine hundred and fifty pounds each. By Myself, thank you very much. I am physically exhausted. That was better than any workout DVD I own, trust me. It really was a pretty good night, except that it seemed to never end. Well, that and the fact that the guy who was supposed to be helping me with the paperwork, injured his leg very early on tonight, and became a whiny little bitch the entire rest of the night. Now, I am not one to discourage bitchiness. In fact I pride myself on being the Ultra Supreme Super Bitch of the Universe. I should teach a class on being a bitch. I would call it BITCH 101: Bitching made easy, for fun and profit! But, I can not stand a whiny bitch boy. He limped around all night like his leg was going to fall off, and refused to help push a single rack. Now, meanwhile, my knee was swollen and sore, and I popped two ibuprofen and went back to work. I will admit to using the fact that I have tits to get some help tonight. I was getting behind and I sweet talked the oven guys into getting and putting together more racks for me. Putting together racks can be very time consuming, and I just did not have the time, so I just flashed my sweetest smile their way, and told them that I could really use a hand. Next thing I know, I had six guys getting me some racks together. Sometimes it pays to be a woman. I did get to talk to The Honey. Poor baby, he is sick. I hope he gets some sleep tonight so he is better since he has to work yet again tomorrow. I swear between his job and mine we hardly get to talk anymore. He did read my blog tonight though, and has said he will send me flowers to work. Isn't he the best! He is so sweet to try and make me happy. What a dolly. If he actually does it, I will ask that man to marry me. (Or at least do all kinds of naughty things to me.) That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. I actually finished this entry, and posted it before I realized that i forgot to remind you people how fucking funny Handbook For The Hellbound is. You really should go and check it out. Okay, that really is all. Goodnight again.

What I really want and have no clue how to get...

So, I know exactly what I want. I know it, but I have absolutely no clue how to get it. What I want is simple. I want to be loved, completely, lustfully, unconditionally, forever.. by one man who will be there for me for the rest of my life and allow me to love him the same way in return. I want romance...I want flowers sent to me at work for no reason in particular. I want long hot bubble baths for two. I want candle light picnics on the living room floor at midnight, with some cold pizza and a good bottle of wine. I want him to pull over on the side of the highway to slow dance with me when "our song" comes on the radio. I want poetry read to me in voice mails while I am working so that I know he thought of me while I was thinking of him. I want him to ask me about my day, and really care about it when I tell him. I want my hand held across the bed while we are both reading different books. I want to be told I am loved everyday. I want him to think I have a great sense of humour, and share the things that I think are funny. (Like Handbook For The Hellbound for example. Just one more shameless plug.) I want him to accept my flaws as "cute quirks", and forgive my moodiness. I want to be told WHY he loves me, not just that he does. I want to know that I am the only woman in his life. I want to know that I am his fantasy fulfilled. I want to be his best friend. I want to be his soul mate. I want him to offer to rub my back when I come home from work tired and sore. I want him to just lay next to me and let me breathe him in. I want to be in his arms. I want to look him in the eyes when I tell him that I have waited my whole life to find him, and see in his eyes that he has waited his whole life to find me. I want him to want me. I want him to be my knight in shining armour, and to need me to save him once in awhile too. I want him to lay his head in my lap, and let me kiss away his tears when he needs to cry. I want to make love to him under the stars. I want to be loved like that. Now, would someone tell me how to get it? That's all, Goodnight.

Welcome To My World...

Okay, we are in the middle of some pretty nasty storms, and my Internet connection keeps coming and going, so this post will be an exercise in patience for me. In fact, I am not sure that I have enough patience to try it tonight. Nothing has gone right for me tonight. When I got to work I found out that one of the scalers quit, and one called in. We all know what that means right? Ding, Ding, Ding, you win a cookie. I was scaling all night. Now I told you this morning about me fucking up my knee, and standing in one place all night long was just the thing I needed to do, trust me. Yeah, well it swelled like crazy and by the time we got back from lunch, I was fighting back tears. Then to top things off, our female lead who I refer to as "Diabla", which is Spanish for devil (female devil), came over and told me I wasn't taking enough meat from the line. It took every ounce of self control that I had not to throw a pound and a half of meat in her face. I was taking more than my fair share already, as I was covering for one of my male cohorts who got stuck scaling with me. So, you know me, I got pissed and started pulling all the meat off the line until my table was piled so high that the meat was starting to fall on the floor. Bitch. Okay, I do not really mean that. Actually, I like her a lot. It just pisses me off that she seems to expect so much more from me than she does anyone else. I also found out tonight, that I have to be at work early tomorrow, which cuts into my "Honey time". Then I found out we are also working A FULL SHIFT Saturday. Okay, I know I need the hours, but I also need some time to let my knee heal. I am just so frustrated with myself for getting hurt. I do not have time to be injured. On the bright side, The Honey called me at lunch just like he said he would. In fact, my phone started ringing before I had even taken my frock off. (It is nice to know that one man in my life keeps his promises.) I had to go and cash my check after work, which meant going to the casino, and climbing that damned ramp onto the boat. That helped with the pain in my knee. On the way home I stopped at Arby's to pick up food for the family. While I was in getting the food, it started storming, so of course I ended up cold and wet on top of it. And to make my day all the better, it seems that Handbook For The Hellbound has disappeared. Could my day get any worse???? Jon, where are you? I need you! I need your humour to keep me from launching myself off the nearest bridge in despair. COME BACK! That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. This is how I fucking feel tonight.

The rollercoaster that never ends...

So, I the most clumsy person I know, and I proved it yet again the other night at work. It was my first night "running the show" alone. I finally learned all the paperwork, and the boss lady decided to see if I could get through the night without having a meltdown. I was actually doing quite well considering that I was short one person the entire night, and that left just two of us to package and stack the product of six to eight people working at a break-neck speed. All night long we managed to keep things running pretty smoothly, and then I hit a snag. The knives they give us, are not really knives at all. They are broken scissors, that are supposed to work better because you have a better grip on them than you would be able to have on a knife. And that would be fine, if it worked out the way it is supposed to. But the problem is that they are always dull. I tried to cut open the straps on a pallet of boxes, but it would not cut. I had my buddy (and lifesaver) who was working with me try to cut it open. No luck for him either. The line was starting to get backed up and we needed those boxes, so we decided to just strong arm the straps off the pallet. It worked, but it left the straps laying on the floor. Yes, I am well aware that I created my own trip hazard, but sometimes I admit to not using my brain. I kept intending to get a knife sharp enough to actually cut them, and get them picked up off the floor, but we were just so busy I didn't find the time. I warned numerous people that came back to talk to me to watch out for the straps. I told my partner in crime to be careful. I just didn't take my own advice, and of course I was the one who tripped on them. I now have a bruise the size of Detroit on my wrist. I am not quite sure how I managed to bruise my wrist. How the hell did I manage that one? I also fucked up my knee, which last night swelled to almost twice it's normal size. Don't worry about it. I am laughing at me too, so go ahead and have a chuckle. I do not think I did any lasting damage to my wrist, but I am not so sure about my knee. It feels like there is a little chip of something floating around in there. I had to go to the nurse at work, and let her check me out. I told her I was fine. Quite frankly, I just can not afford to miss any work, and I will just tough it out as long as I can stand it. I have bills to pay after all. In fact, I was very pleased to find out that we will be working Saturday. I could use the overtime, and it keeps me away from the home. I have been trying very hard not to start fights with the hubby. It is not easy, considering he seems to be oblivious to that fact that I really am done this time. He has taken to calling me pet names again, as though nothing is different, and he insists on telling me that he loves me every chance he gets. Is it cruel that I respond either with a "Thank You" or nothing at all? I am trying not to be cruel with him. The Honey is a bit irritated because the hubby seems to want to blame our rapidly dissolving marriage on him. I will go on record stating that the decay of my marriage is absolutely NOT The Honey's fault. The hubby seems to think that if not for The Honey, our lives would be one great happy fucking party. I am here to say that I have been unhappy for a LONG, LONG, LONG time. I really hope though, that the hubby and The Honey will stop bashing each other to me. I love them both. I just love them both differently is all. I will always love the hubby. He just has problems that he does not seem able to overcome. He has chosen a path that I do not wish to follow him down. I feel the need to move forward, and away from him. I also love The Honey, in a way that I didn't know I was capable of anymore. He makes me happy. I feel like I finally found that missing part of me when I am talking with him. He makes me feel whole again. I know I am being selfish right now, but honestly it is about damned time. I have spent most of my life taking care of everyone else around me, and this time I choose to take care of me. I do not wish to ever hurt either of these men. How could I wish it? I am so confused these days, that sometimes I feel like I am being ripped in half. I know what I want, but I do not know how to get it. I feel an old love slipping away, and a new one pulling me closer. UGH! I hate this shit. If at all possible, do not ever put yourself in this situation. It is not a good place to be. I have to go shower for work now, or I could go on endlessly explaining how I feel my world crumbling around me, and how my heart is spinning, and my brain is hurting, and I just wish that someone would step in and save me from all the shit that I have done. But there will be time for that later I am sure. That's all, bye.

P.S. I have told you that I will shamelessly plug Handbook For The Hellbound for ten posts, did you think I had forgotten? Actually I have just picked words at random in my post and linked them over to his page, suckers!

I Am Braver Than I Believe...( My New Mantra)

Okay, So I skipped one day of posting, and my sister-in-law Leticia emailed me to inform me that she is addicted to my blog, and that she was concerned that I had not posted. So, Tish this is for you. Today started out pretty shitty. I woke up way too damned early. Four hours of sleep is just not enough. I am used to it, but this lack of real honest to goodness sleep is starting to fuck with my head. I came out to the computer, sat down, lit a smoke and checked my email. Still nothing from The Honey. I was crestfallen. So I headed over to my favorite website ever Handbook For The Hellbound for a good laugh. (Today's post was great by the way.) But I still couldn't get my mind off The Honey. I hadn't heard from him since Saturday afternoon when he had promised to call back later. Now we all know I am on the fucking edge as it is, so to think that The Honey was just blowing me off hurt like hell. Now, I will admit, I went all stalker on him, and called, again. I left a simple message. My day brightened considerably when he called me right back. I have talked with The Honey five times today. The day turned out to be quite pleasant after all. Until that is, I got home. When I got home The Honey and I were chatting on my cell. The kids came running out to greet me. (Yes, the baby was bare assed. If anyone knows any tricks to use to get children to keep clothes on please, I am in desperate need of your help.) Anyway, I hung up with The Honey, promising to call him as soon as I got in the house. Yeah, that went over well, let me tell you. I came in grabbed the phone, and headed outside to talk. The hubby sent the kids out with me. Nice, huh? Because we all know children should be outside at almost one in the morning. But I still had a nice conversation. When I came in the house, the hubby was being very unpleasant. He informed me that he did not want me talking to The Honey anymore. I informed him that I did not want him drinking all the time, disappearing for days at a time, and spending more than I earn. I also informed him that people do not always get what they want. He told me to take my ass to North Carolina then. "That is where you want to be anyway." he said. I didn't argue the point with him. Because the more he treats me like dirt, the more true that statement becomes. If he says it much more, I just may fucking do it. He may come home one day to find me and the girls gone. I mean, I intend to leave anyway, eventually. I want to wait until I have enough money to do it right, but at this rate, I may just say fuck it, and go on a prayer. But like I said before, I will not run to ANY man. I want to be chased for a change. If a man wants me, he will have to let me know it in no uncertain terms. The hubby has had more than ample opportunity to let me know that he wants to fix this fucked up marriage. But he has only given me lip service. He has done NOTHING to show me. Just think of me as the great state of Missouri.. SHOW ME. But I have given him over as a lost cause. I really have moved on emotionally. Just not physically yet. I will not deny for a minute that it hurts me. It does. He has fathered all of my beautiful children. He held me as our daughter passed away in my arms. We survived infidelity on both sides. But we just could not survive his selfish choices. I truly believe that you should try everything to save your marriage. But I want to go on record right now saying that I have. I really worked hard at it. I tried everything that I could think of. I tried everything that anyone else could think of. And it just hasn't worked. I ran out of options, and I have thrown in the towel. I admit it. I failed. I saw my defeat years ago. But you know me and that whole "never surrender" attitude. I held on to a sinking ship, and I am finally jumping off before I drown. My depression was begining to overwhelm me. I was lost. I am finally finding myself again. I feel like I can really breathe for the first time in years. I feel free. Even though we are still living together right now, my heart is free to do what it wants. I have given myself the freedom to be happy again. I have opened myself up to the possibility that I will one day finally find peace. I was able to do that by letting him go. It still will hurt for a long time I am sure. I had to let go of all of my dreams. But I will be okay. As Winnie the Pooh says "I am braver than I believe, I am stronger than I seem, and I am smarter than I think".. and really, that is all I need to remember. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. I just want to say, that The Honey has been converted. He favorited Handbook For The Hellbound today. I am telling you people that still have not gone to check it out that you are missing some hilarious shit. (Yes, I did manage to shamelessly plug Jon the Hellbound Smoker's site into this post twice. Only nine more posts to go. But if all my regular readers do not visit his site soon, I will post plugs everyday until you do. )

The nerve of some people...

Okay, I just don't fucking get it. The hubby is still here. He seems to think that if he just refuses to leave, that things will eventually get better. What the fuck kind of logic is that? Granted, I am tolerating it, but I don't think that this will last for long. I am just tired of rehashing the same old shit, so I am just trying to keep my distance. He is already pissing me off, and I just want out. He actually called my cell earlier tonight, because I had been gone so long. You have got to be fucking kidding me! I went out with Toni to buy myself some new clothes since all the ones I had just kept sliding off my ass when I walked. One good thing about being in a fucked up marriage is the extreme weight loss I am experiencing. I may get my figure back yet. If I can just manage to live with him for another month or so without ending up in prison for murder, I may actually hit my goal weight. I swear if I did not have this stupid little blog page to rant at, I would be one of those people you see on the news that just fucking lose it one day and go on a killing spree. But seriously, it pisses me off that he reads it. This shit is personal. I only share it with the millions of Internet surfers out there, I do not want to share it with him. If I did want to, I would print the shit out, and bind it in leather as his next birthday gift. Is nothing sacred anymore? I think he has also taken up the habit of reading my email. I will admit that I have been doing that to him for years, but he has given me reason not to trust him. I, on the other hand, am a perfect angel who has done nothing that I have not been completely honest about. So you all need to help me really fuck with him. Send me some really raunchy email, you know, shit I can masturbate too, while he is laying next to me in bed. You think that might get to him? Fuck, I don't either. But send them anyway, I need some good reading material, until I can get to Barnes and Noble. Anyway, The Honey did not call me at all today, no call, no email. I give up. All applications to be my new honey can be sent to me at some11wife@hotmail.com and I want pictures damn it. And I promise if you send a picture of your dick, I will post it, and make rude comments about the small size, and the curve to the right, so just don't send them, okay? In order to be my honey you must be willing to listen to me bitch and moan, and call me while I am at work and leave naughty messages on my cell phone. You know, I went to my favorite website Handbook for the Hellbound today and I noticed that I was no longer in the "Pages That Kick Dick" section. I was heartbroken. Until I noticed I had been upgraded to the "Buds, Homies And Friends Of HBTH" section. And even better he said I was MILFish. Sweet of him really, to boost the ego of this crazy bitch from Iowa. (And just so that you know, I am going to be shamelessly plugging his website in my next ten posts.) Thanks Jon, I needed that. That's all, Goodnight.

Things About Me That You Will Never Need To Know...

1.) I have had my nose pierced. (But I don't wear it anymore.)
2.) I once had sex while sitting on the railing of a lifeguard shack on Venice Beach in the middle of the afternoon, in the summer.
3.) I sing and dance naked in my living room when no one else is home.
4.) I have recently considered suicide.
5.) I hate being tickled.
6.) I swallow.
7.) I cry almost every day.
8.) I don't like most people that I know.
9.) I smoke two packs a day.
10.) I often eat with my fingers.
11.) Growing up I was molested by an Uncle, three cousins, and a step brother.
12.) I sometimes go for three days without eating to try and lose this extra weight.
13.) I hate wearing underwear, so I just don't.
14.) I used to be a Democrat.
15.) I have had a miscarriage.
16.) I haven't finished the new Harry Potter book yet, because I do not want to read the ending.
17.) I once had a menage a trios, and next time the man is not invited.
18.) I love liver and onions.
19.) I wanted to be a lawyer, when I was growing up.
20.) I write things that I could not bring myself to actually say out loud to another human being.
21.) I sometimes listen to Barry Manilow.
22.) I feel emotionally numb alot.
23.) I often regret having my tubes tied.
24.) I used to use cheating on my boyfriends as a way to end the relationship, because I was too big a pussy to do it the right way.
25.) I took off my own braces with a pair of pliers when I was fifteen.
26.) I hate my mother.
27.) I have nightmares, which is why I do not sleep much.
28.) I kiss my daughter's urn everyday.
29.) When ever I feel someone is getting too close to me, I start pushing them away, so that I can beat them to the punch before they leave me.
30.) I have done nothing in my life that I am really proud of, except my children.
That's all, Bye.

I just can't seem to complete a post today...

Okay, I am back. And in a much better mood for the record. I didn't actually go and do any of the hundreds of things I should have done. Instead i spent sometime dancing around my living room with my daughters.

Aren't they cute? That always lifts my spirits. And then I spent some time adding a few new songs to my music blog page. (Not that any of you fuckers actually ever go there.) I added some Corrosion of Conformity just for Jon "the Hellbound smoker". Actually I kinda like them, otherwise I wouldn't have posted them at all. I really need to stop listening to that damned Avril Lavigne song though.


My three year old sings it word for word. Let me tell you, hearing the words "Hell yeah, I'm the mother fucking princess" coming from her lips was funny the first time, but it is getting old. (But the song is just so much fun to dance to.)

Okay at this point, while I was writing this post, the hubby walked through the door. We have been alternately fighting and calling truces ever since. I think I will just let him sleep it off, and we can talk tomorrow instead of yelling at each other. It seems that the Honey is a HUGE sore spot with him right now. He seems convinced that I am going to up and run to the Honey. That is NOT going to happen for multiple reasons. The main one being that I will NEVER run to any man ever again. What really irks me though is that when I started talking to the Honey again, a few months back, it was the hubby who said and I quote, "Good, talk to your boyfriend, maybe then you will leave me alone once in awhile." So really, I was just being a dutiful wife and doing what the hubby told me to do. Okay, I admit, I made myself laugh with that one. The hubby read my blog, something he should not do if he does not want to know the truth about the things I think and feel. (And just for the record, I will NOT give up the Honey. I value his freindship and companionship too much. So, unless he decideds he is done with me, I will keep right on talking to him the way I have been.) Anyway, that is all I have for you tonight. I am emotionally drained, and am feeling a bit lonely at the moment. I am tired, I just wish I could sleep. I am going to go and read, and hope that tomorrow is a better day. That's all, Goodnight.

It is my pity pot, and I can cry in it if I want to....

I stopped writing the last post, somewhere in the middle of what I was planning to write. See, my Friend Jeremy instant messaged me, and we were having a nice little chat. I put the post on hold. But, while I was chatting with Jeremy, the hubby called. It was a number I did not recognize, but it was not a pay phone so I answered it. The first words out of his mouth were about how I had fucked him by taking all the money out of the bank. We argued about it for a minute or two, and then I told him not to bother coming home. The saddest part of all of this, is that neither one of us cried. I did after we hung up. (I still am.) But I couldn't cry while we were talking. I put up this front of being a "tough bitch", but I really am not. I am scared as hell right now. I just lost the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and I am now completely alone in this world. He may not have been what I needed him to be, but at least when I needed to cry he would sometimes be here to hold me. I think that is what I will miss the most. Just being held once in a while. This really sucks. I have not been alone for a really long time now. I am not quite sure what to do with myself. I really didn't think it would hurt so much. I knew I was not in love with him anymore, and I knew he was no longer in love with me. So, I figured it might be easy to just let go. But hearing him be so cold about it all, well that just broke my heart into about a million tiny pieces. You would think after giving this man my life for fifteen years, he would have some feelings for me. I am not a bad person, I just don't get why I do not seem to be worthy of being loved like I want to be loved. My father just came in and saw me crying. I asked him that question. He said that I am worthy, that the hubby is the one who was not worthy of me. But, right at this moment, that is not the way it feels. Right now it feels as if no one will ever love me again. Ever since I turned twelve and wore a D-cup bra, I have had some member of the opposite sex telling me that they loved me. In most cases this was just a lie. Call me cynical, but I am not sure I will ever be able to trust those words again. "I Love You", seems to come too easily to most people these days. It does not come easy for me. I do not find love a difficult emotion to feel, quite the opposite. When I love, I do so without question, without reservation, and with all that I am. But, saying "I Love You" to someone takes effort for me. As soon as you say those words you open yourself up to heartache. If they really know me, they know that once I say those words, I am theirs heart and soul, and that they can use and abuse me. That is why I have only said those words to three men in all my life. And so far they have proved that they did not really mean it when they said it to me. That is not a very good track record. Toni told me the other day, that the hubby was just not the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. That he was here for a season, and to take the small measure of joy I received from him as a gift, and all the pain he caused me as a lesson. She said that I need to move on so I can be open to finding the one that is supposed to be with me forever. I find no comfort in those words. Aww, fuck it. I am already tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself. (Insert nose blowing and tear wiping here.) I should be looking on the bright side of things. I am now free to do whatever and whomever I want. Maybe I will just become a lesbian, and cut out the hassle of lying men all together. Anyway, I have lots of things to do today. I will be back, never fear. Hopefully I will not be sitting on my pity pot when I return. That's all, Bye.

Baby toes and clean clothes...

So, I tried that whole relaxation technique, and it actually worked. (Concentrate on relaxing the baby toe on your right foot, then move to the left etc. etc.) It took me awhile though. I was about to give up when The Honey's voice popped in my head talking me through it. That worked! (God Bless The Honey and his sweet, sexy, soothing voice in my head.) I actually slept for a long time. About six hours. I really needed that. I would probably still be asleep if the phone had not started ringing. I looked at the Caller ID, and decided not to answer it though. The calls were coming from a pay phone. That can only mean one of two things. Either the hubby is slowly making his way here, and is calling to try to scope out how much shit is going to be thrown at his head when he walks in the door, or he is in jail, and wants me to accept a collect call. I will not fight with him this time. There is nothing left worth fighting for. I also will not accept his collect calls. I need to be able to pay my phone bill so that I can talk to My Honey, and collect calls are just too damned expensive. So if he managed to land his ass in jail, he is just shit out of luck. I think I am going to spend the day trying to clean at least one room of my completely disgusting house. It is gross beyond description. I may need to hire a crew to come in with giant hoses and just wash it all down. Honestly I am the clutter queen, so even when my house is clean it is still a mess. I have stacks of bills here and there, books scattered through the house in various stages of use. Laundry baskets full of clean clothes that never seem to get folded and put away. But that I can live with. That is just me. I am used to that. What I can not seem to get used to is this pigsty I am currently sitting amongst to write this entry. See, I went on strike a few months ago. I started working, and there were two grown men, and three perfectly healthy children sitting at home all day making a mess, and not cleaning up after themselves at all. So I quit cleaning, except for washing the dishes that I need to use to eat, and washing clothes so I don't stink, I haven't done dick around here. And my God how nasty it is now! So I will have to spend all weekend trying to make some headway in the cleaning department...

I haven't had enough sleep to name it, just read it...

Work sucked again. Just a few days ago I was so pumped about starting my new position, and tonight I was back on the scales. Granted, I knew that was possibly going to happen from time to time, but still, what a let down. They originally put some man in at the scale, so I could do the job I am getting paid to do, but as usual he fucked it up, and I was called in to take over. I swear if I didn't like sex so much, I would be done with men all together. (Except my Honey, who I do not get sex from either, DAMN IT!) Sorry, I just needed to vent that. Anyway, I finally got out of work at midnight, and had to go to the grocery store. There is nothing like shopping at that time of the day/night. All the freaks are out and about, and I got to see the Wal-Mart cop get pissy with some punks. (How's that for excitement?) God, I swear sometimes I think I would be better off if I just never got out of bed. The hubby still has not come home from his latest binge. And good for him, I hope he is having a hell of a time, because it has cost him his fourteen year long marriage. I really am glad that I have finally reached the point that I can just give up. You have no idea how emotionally exhausting it is to try and maintain hope in the face of all his petty bullshit. He started siphoning off the bank account yesterday, and hit it again this morning. But I get the final laugh this time. I went to the bank and withdrew everything. Okay, that is not precisely true. I left him one dollar and eighty six cents. Boy is he going to be pissed when he sobers up Monday morning and realizes that the well is dry. I also took myself off the joint account, so any checks he has written are his problem not mine, may he rot in jail. I am giggling hysterically right now imagining his face when he realizes every check he has written is going to bounce. I have decided that he gets to be the one who moves. I am not going anywhere. This piece of shit I live in may be falling down from his neglect, but damn it, I am a handy kind of gal, and now that he is gone, I will fix it myself. I have to start with the toilet. I swear I almost freaked out tonight and ripped it up out of the floor with my bare hands. It seems as though the wax ring seal is no longer functioning as it should, so it sometimes decides not to flush properly. I could live with this if it were not for the fact that I have a three year old daughter who was taught from the start that you ALWAYS flush. So she does, perfect little angel that she is. (Who am I kidding, I have raised three demon children, but I love them damn it.) So tonight she went in and went potty like a good girl before crawling into bed. Problem is, she flushed, but doesn't understand that until the toilet gets fixed, you have to hang around and make sure it REALLY flushed. I know what you are thinking. You think it over flowed, but you are sadly mistaken. What it did do, was fill right up to the very top, and just kind of stopped there. Of course when I went in to take a piss, I did not even think about it. I just sat my happy ass down, and sat right into freezing cold piss water. Nice huh? So, after giving it a good plunging out, I hopped into the shower to scrub down. I just love coming home. But all is not completely desolate in my world. There were a couple of bright spots in my dreary day. The first was getting to talk to My Honey bright and early this morning. (Insomnia sucks, but apparently can be useful while trying to maintain a bizarre long distance, working opposite hours, kinda romance phone thing.) The second bright spot, was finding out that my silly little blog site has made it into the "Pages That Kick Dick" section at my favorite website. (For all you newcomers, the site is Handbook For The Hellbound, and reading it is the third thing I do everyday. Right after lighting a cigarette, and checking for an email from the Honey.) I really do feel honoured by that, as I think the shit that spews forth from his keyboard is some of the funniest stuff I have ever read. And so ends another day in my, oh so fucked up, life. I think I will go try and sleep. I am sure it won't happen, but I will try. (Yes, I will try the relaxation thingy you were telling me about Baby. Start at my toes!) That's all, Goodnight.

The photos from hell...

Okay, at the risk of scaring off every man I know, I have promised to post a few pictures of me. So, I got out the photo box, and I have discovered that I just do not HAVE very many pictures of me. I do not like having my picture taken, as I think I always look awful. It also seems that the only time I get my picture taken is when I am pregnant, drunk, or unaware that my picture is being taken. (Such as when I am sound the hell asleep, and pregnant!) So, here are just a few pics of me. I hope you are not too disappointed. Okay, this picture has been crumpled like crazy, those are not scars on me, but for the record, I had a c-section and now have an ugly scar that runs from my belly button to my well, you get the picture, right? But isn't my prego belly so cute?






And I would also like to add, that I have no clue what all the little black marks are, just picture grime I guess.



So, not scared off yet? Just you wait. here comes a picture of me not only pregnant, but sound asleep as well, probably snoring so loudly that I could scare the neighbors. Here you go...





Now if that is not bad enough to frighten you away.. I have another picture, this was taken shortly after I had my youngest daughter. A friend and I went out bar hopping. (This is the night we "lost" the car.) I have no idea who the guy is, we were there for a long time, and this guy kept asking me to dance with him. I finally had enough to drink (We were drinking jack and cokes, and shooting blowjobs and tequila rose in between. I DO not recommend this!!) so I got up and danced. We had a good time, but Good Lord was I drunk! (NOTE: Someone has asked me what the hell "shooting blowjobs" means so I will explain it to the uninformed. A blowjob is a drink. It is served in a shot glass, and they pile whipped cream in top. You then have to drink the shot without using your hands. Get the picture now? And no, I am not posting the picture of me doing it, so there!)




I would like to make a note that I have grown my hair back out since then. I do not know what I was thinking when I cut it all off like that.



And finally I have to post this one, because it is the one The Honey seems to like. I am hoping that if he sees this one, he will remember that I was once kinda cute, and still love me.





Well, that about does it. The other picture I took today, is not for public viewing. Don't you just wish you knew? That's all, Goodnight.

Baby Steps, and a Cross Country Drive...

So, today just sucked. We were short people at work. No, I did not have to scale. I was doing my new job, but we were short two people, so I had to run my ass off all night. I helped push about twenty racks tonight. The weight of them averaged about 2400 pounds. It was fine at first, but pushing those last couple up the ramp to the scale was a mother fucker, let me tell you. In between pushing the racks, I was loading them. Usually we have two people working each side, and a floater who helps out as needed. Tonight, there were two men working one side, and me on the other. Why was I alone most of the night? Well, I am a little faster alone than the two of them were together. I didn't really have any time tonight to learn the paperwork. Oh well, there is always next week. And surprise, surprise, when I called home after work, I was informed that the hubby had not made it home yet. Seems he hasn't learned a fucking thing, I was deluding myself thinking he was trying to save our marriage. I am done. Like I said before, I currently depend on his income to survive, but not for long. I am going to start looking for an apartment first thing tomorrow. My best friends Bill and Deb, are taking my son to live with them for the school year, since the school here is ridiculous. So, at least for the school year I will only have to figure out how to make it with two of the kids. I am going to start saving for a big move, hopefully next year. I will have to, I know the hubby well enough to know that he will not let me go that easy. My son and I were discussing it, and I think we have decided to set our sights on Florida. Probably the Orlando area. I would think with all the tourism, that jobs are in big supply. I will have to look in to it. I told him I want to move south, to get away from the winter weather. He just looked at me and laughed. He said "Not too south I hope momma. People down there do not have teeth, and they marry their cousins." I love my son so much, I will miss him like crazy. It sucks letting him go, but I have to do what is best for him, and getting out of this school district, and quite frankly away from his father's influence, is what is best for him. Bill is a wonderful man, the best man I know. He will be great for Jamie. Also, today I had the strangest phone conversation with The Honey. He seemed kind of distant. Maybe I am just imagining it, because of everything else that has gone wrong for me today. I swear I feel like I am cracking up. Oh, and I finally took that picture I have been promising The Honey, but it hasn't shown up in my email. We took it with a cell phone, and it was emailed to me. I don't know why I didn't get it. I hope it is still on the phone. I will try again tomorrow, to send it. I swear I do not think my life can get any more complicated. How could it? I think I need to just get away, and start fresh with a clean slate. Problem is, I have three kids, and I can not just up and run, which is what my heart is screaming at me to do. Does it seem awful that at times like this, I sometimes think how much more simple my life would be if I hadn't had my kids? Please, do not misunderstand me. I would not trade my kids for anything. Knowing all that I know now, I would still go through the hell with the hubby, as long as I could still have my babies. I love them all, with all that I am. It is just that times like this make me feel like a failure as a mother. It is my job as their mom, to protect them from everything, and I feel that I am failing miserably at it. Okay, I am just rambling. Playing all these things over and over in my head is giving me a headache. I can not go back and change the past right? I can only move forward with a clear head and set some goals. So, Goal one.. find a place for me and the girls. I will let you know what goal two is when I get it figured out. Baby steps are good. That's all, Goodnight.

A personal note...

I just want to say "Hello, and Welcome" to who ever it is in or around the Louisville, Kentucky area, that has started reading my blog everyday. I am not sure who you are, and almost everyone else who reads my blog regularly knows me, so it is kind of cool to have someone I do not know reading too. Please feel free to leave comments, and/or sign my guestbook. It is nice to get a little feedback once in awhile. (Hint Hint to Tommy, Bill Bob, and Jeremy!!!) Anyway, just want to say welcome again. That's all, Bye.