I Am Braver Than I Believe...( My New Mantra)

Okay, So I skipped one day of posting, and my sister-in-law Leticia emailed me to inform me that she is addicted to my blog, and that she was concerned that I had not posted. So, Tish this is for you. Today started out pretty shitty. I woke up way too damned early. Four hours of sleep is just not enough. I am used to it, but this lack of real honest to goodness sleep is starting to fuck with my head. I came out to the computer, sat down, lit a smoke and checked my email. Still nothing from The Honey. I was crestfallen. So I headed over to my favorite website ever Handbook For The Hellbound for a good laugh. (Today's post was great by the way.) But I still couldn't get my mind off The Honey. I hadn't heard from him since Saturday afternoon when he had promised to call back later. Now we all know I am on the fucking edge as it is, so to think that The Honey was just blowing me off hurt like hell. Now, I will admit, I went all stalker on him, and called, again. I left a simple message. My day brightened considerably when he called me right back. I have talked with The Honey five times today. The day turned out to be quite pleasant after all. Until that is, I got home. When I got home The Honey and I were chatting on my cell. The kids came running out to greet me. (Yes, the baby was bare assed. If anyone knows any tricks to use to get children to keep clothes on please, I am in desperate need of your help.) Anyway, I hung up with The Honey, promising to call him as soon as I got in the house. Yeah, that went over well, let me tell you. I came in grabbed the phone, and headed outside to talk. The hubby sent the kids out with me. Nice, huh? Because we all know children should be outside at almost one in the morning. But I still had a nice conversation. When I came in the house, the hubby was being very unpleasant. He informed me that he did not want me talking to The Honey anymore. I informed him that I did not want him drinking all the time, disappearing for days at a time, and spending more than I earn. I also informed him that people do not always get what they want. He told me to take my ass to North Carolina then. "That is where you want to be anyway." he said. I didn't argue the point with him. Because the more he treats me like dirt, the more true that statement becomes. If he says it much more, I just may fucking do it. He may come home one day to find me and the girls gone. I mean, I intend to leave anyway, eventually. I want to wait until I have enough money to do it right, but at this rate, I may just say fuck it, and go on a prayer. But like I said before, I will not run to ANY man. I want to be chased for a change. If a man wants me, he will have to let me know it in no uncertain terms. The hubby has had more than ample opportunity to let me know that he wants to fix this fucked up marriage. But he has only given me lip service. He has done NOTHING to show me. Just think of me as the great state of Missouri.. SHOW ME. But I have given him over as a lost cause. I really have moved on emotionally. Just not physically yet. I will not deny for a minute that it hurts me. It does. He has fathered all of my beautiful children. He held me as our daughter passed away in my arms. We survived infidelity on both sides. But we just could not survive his selfish choices. I truly believe that you should try everything to save your marriage. But I want to go on record right now saying that I have. I really worked hard at it. I tried everything that I could think of. I tried everything that anyone else could think of. And it just hasn't worked. I ran out of options, and I have thrown in the towel. I admit it. I failed. I saw my defeat years ago. But you know me and that whole "never surrender" attitude. I held on to a sinking ship, and I am finally jumping off before I drown. My depression was begining to overwhelm me. I was lost. I am finally finding myself again. I feel like I can really breathe for the first time in years. I feel free. Even though we are still living together right now, my heart is free to do what it wants. I have given myself the freedom to be happy again. I have opened myself up to the possibility that I will one day finally find peace. I was able to do that by letting him go. It still will hurt for a long time I am sure. I had to let go of all of my dreams. But I will be okay. As Winnie the Pooh says "I am braver than I believe, I am stronger than I seem, and I am smarter than I think".. and really, that is all I need to remember. That's all, Goodnight.

P.S. I just want to say, that The Honey has been converted. He favorited Handbook For The Hellbound today. I am telling you people that still have not gone to check it out that you are missing some hilarious shit. (Yes, I did manage to shamelessly plug Jon the Hellbound Smoker's site into this post twice. Only nine more posts to go. But if all my regular readers do not visit his site soon, I will post plugs everyday until you do. )