Everything and Nothing...

Okay, so the job wore me out. But it is good. Who would have thought that picking up twelve pound boxes all night would be so tiring though. I did the math, and it seems as though I alone handled five hundred and twenty boxes last night. That is on top of all the boxes I packed, almost as many. But, like I said, it is a good tired. I was actually able to get to sleep before the sun came up, which is a good thing considering the hubby woke me up at eight this morning to turn off the alarm that he set for himself. Of course, once awake and all that jazz. He actually got up to go do his community service. See, he owes forty hours by next Wednesday morning, or he will be going to jail for eighty three days. He has had four months to get it done, and just started this morning. What a dumb ass. He got the community service because he got caught driving while barred. He got barred from driving for getting too many driving under suspension tickets. He got the suspension for not paying some tickets that he got when he was off on a binge last year. See, I will not pay the tickets for him. He got them, he should be responsible enough to take his happy ass down to the courthouse and pay them. If something needs to be done around here, and I do not do it, it just never gets done. He finally decided to try to get the community service done, when I informed him that if he went to jail it was because he was making a choice to do so. I told him that if he made that choice, he would also be making the choice that I be gone before he got out of jail. I am so close to gone already these days, that I think he finally realized that I meant it. I told him that I am tired of the bullshit that never gets any better. I told him I need more than he seems willing to give. Maybe he finally gets it. But, I am not sure that it is not a case of a little too little, a little too late. I am thinking that if/when I finally do give up on my marriage, I will move far away from him. Staying close would be like an open invitation for him to become my stalker. You know, he did leave me once for six months. I in my infinite wisdom took him back. (If I hadn't I would not have had my beautiful girls, I needed his DNA for that so I wouldn't change it if I could.) But during that six months (THAT HE LEFT ME!), he started stalking me. I got a small apartment for my son and myself, and he would leave his new girlfriend sitting alone at home to come and sit outside my apartment building at all hours of the night. I really do not understand men at all. I mean he left, so he didn't want me, but the thought that I may have found someone else was just too much for him to handle. Never mind the fact that he had found someone else. Could one of you men explain this theory to me? The theory that says it is okay for you all to move on, but the women you leave behind are supposed to pine away for you the rest of their days? Because I just do not get it. Anyway, back from my tangent. The point is, he says he wants to fix things between us. I am of the opinion that it is already too late. I guess only time will tell. As I can not afford to just up and leave right now, I have to stick it out for at least a little longer. But, truth be told, I just don't feel like I am in love with him anymore. I am still in love with the man I know he could be, but that man has been gone for a very long time now. And I find my heart being pulled apart everyday lately. I have feelings for a man that is not my husband that I should not have, but how do I explain that to my heart, to my soul? Okay, I am rambling. That's all, Bye.