Baby Steps, and a Cross Country Drive...

So, today just sucked. We were short people at work. No, I did not have to scale. I was doing my new job, but we were short two people, so I had to run my ass off all night. I helped push about twenty racks tonight. The weight of them averaged about 2400 pounds. It was fine at first, but pushing those last couple up the ramp to the scale was a mother fucker, let me tell you. In between pushing the racks, I was loading them. Usually we have two people working each side, and a floater who helps out as needed. Tonight, there were two men working one side, and me on the other. Why was I alone most of the night? Well, I am a little faster alone than the two of them were together. I didn't really have any time tonight to learn the paperwork. Oh well, there is always next week. And surprise, surprise, when I called home after work, I was informed that the hubby had not made it home yet. Seems he hasn't learned a fucking thing, I was deluding myself thinking he was trying to save our marriage. I am done. Like I said before, I currently depend on his income to survive, but not for long. I am going to start looking for an apartment first thing tomorrow. My best friends Bill and Deb, are taking my son to live with them for the school year, since the school here is ridiculous. So, at least for the school year I will only have to figure out how to make it with two of the kids. I am going to start saving for a big move, hopefully next year. I will have to, I know the hubby well enough to know that he will not let me go that easy. My son and I were discussing it, and I think we have decided to set our sights on Florida. Probably the Orlando area. I would think with all the tourism, that jobs are in big supply. I will have to look in to it. I told him I want to move south, to get away from the winter weather. He just looked at me and laughed. He said "Not too south I hope momma. People down there do not have teeth, and they marry their cousins." I love my son so much, I will miss him like crazy. It sucks letting him go, but I have to do what is best for him, and getting out of this school district, and quite frankly away from his father's influence, is what is best for him. Bill is a wonderful man, the best man I know. He will be great for Jamie. Also, today I had the strangest phone conversation with The Honey. He seemed kind of distant. Maybe I am just imagining it, because of everything else that has gone wrong for me today. I swear I feel like I am cracking up. Oh, and I finally took that picture I have been promising The Honey, but it hasn't shown up in my email. We took it with a cell phone, and it was emailed to me. I don't know why I didn't get it. I hope it is still on the phone. I will try again tomorrow, to send it. I swear I do not think my life can get any more complicated. How could it? I think I need to just get away, and start fresh with a clean slate. Problem is, I have three kids, and I can not just up and run, which is what my heart is screaming at me to do. Does it seem awful that at times like this, I sometimes think how much more simple my life would be if I hadn't had my kids? Please, do not misunderstand me. I would not trade my kids for anything. Knowing all that I know now, I would still go through the hell with the hubby, as long as I could still have my babies. I love them all, with all that I am. It is just that times like this make me feel like a failure as a mother. It is my job as their mom, to protect them from everything, and I feel that I am failing miserably at it. Okay, I am just rambling. Playing all these things over and over in my head is giving me a headache. I can not go back and change the past right? I can only move forward with a clear head and set some goals. So, Goal one.. find a place for me and the girls. I will let you know what goal two is when I get it figured out. Baby steps are good. That's all, Goodnight.