The rollercoaster that never ends...

So, I the most clumsy person I know, and I proved it yet again the other night at work. It was my first night "running the show" alone. I finally learned all the paperwork, and the boss lady decided to see if I could get through the night without having a meltdown. I was actually doing quite well considering that I was short one person the entire night, and that left just two of us to package and stack the product of six to eight people working at a break-neck speed. All night long we managed to keep things running pretty smoothly, and then I hit a snag. The knives they give us, are not really knives at all. They are broken scissors, that are supposed to work better because you have a better grip on them than you would be able to have on a knife. And that would be fine, if it worked out the way it is supposed to. But the problem is that they are always dull. I tried to cut open the straps on a pallet of boxes, but it would not cut. I had my buddy (and lifesaver) who was working with me try to cut it open. No luck for him either. The line was starting to get backed up and we needed those boxes, so we decided to just strong arm the straps off the pallet. It worked, but it left the straps laying on the floor. Yes, I am well aware that I created my own trip hazard, but sometimes I admit to not using my brain. I kept intending to get a knife sharp enough to actually cut them, and get them picked up off the floor, but we were just so busy I didn't find the time. I warned numerous people that came back to talk to me to watch out for the straps. I told my partner in crime to be careful. I just didn't take my own advice, and of course I was the one who tripped on them. I now have a bruise the size of Detroit on my wrist. I am not quite sure how I managed to bruise my wrist. How the hell did I manage that one? I also fucked up my knee, which last night swelled to almost twice it's normal size. Don't worry about it. I am laughing at me too, so go ahead and have a chuckle. I do not think I did any lasting damage to my wrist, but I am not so sure about my knee. It feels like there is a little chip of something floating around in there. I had to go to the nurse at work, and let her check me out. I told her I was fine. Quite frankly, I just can not afford to miss any work, and I will just tough it out as long as I can stand it. I have bills to pay after all. In fact, I was very pleased to find out that we will be working Saturday. I could use the overtime, and it keeps me away from the home. I have been trying very hard not to start fights with the hubby. It is not easy, considering he seems to be oblivious to that fact that I really am done this time. He has taken to calling me pet names again, as though nothing is different, and he insists on telling me that he loves me every chance he gets. Is it cruel that I respond either with a "Thank You" or nothing at all? I am trying not to be cruel with him. The Honey is a bit irritated because the hubby seems to want to blame our rapidly dissolving marriage on him. I will go on record stating that the decay of my marriage is absolutely NOT The Honey's fault. The hubby seems to think that if not for The Honey, our lives would be one great happy fucking party. I am here to say that I have been unhappy for a LONG, LONG, LONG time. I really hope though, that the hubby and The Honey will stop bashing each other to me. I love them both. I just love them both differently is all. I will always love the hubby. He just has problems that he does not seem able to overcome. He has chosen a path that I do not wish to follow him down. I feel the need to move forward, and away from him. I also love The Honey, in a way that I didn't know I was capable of anymore. He makes me happy. I feel like I finally found that missing part of me when I am talking with him. He makes me feel whole again. I know I am being selfish right now, but honestly it is about damned time. I have spent most of my life taking care of everyone else around me, and this time I choose to take care of me. I do not wish to ever hurt either of these men. How could I wish it? I am so confused these days, that sometimes I feel like I am being ripped in half. I know what I want, but I do not know how to get it. I feel an old love slipping away, and a new one pulling me closer. UGH! I hate this shit. If at all possible, do not ever put yourself in this situation. It is not a good place to be. I have to go shower for work now, or I could go on endlessly explaining how I feel my world crumbling around me, and how my heart is spinning, and my brain is hurting, and I just wish that someone would step in and save me from all the shit that I have done. But there will be time for that later I am sure. That's all, bye.

P.S. I have told you that I will shamelessly plug Handbook For The Hellbound for ten posts, did you think I had forgotten? Actually I have just picked words at random in my post and linked them over to his page, suckers!