It is my pity pot, and I can cry in it if I want to....

I stopped writing the last post, somewhere in the middle of what I was planning to write. See, my Friend Jeremy instant messaged me, and we were having a nice little chat. I put the post on hold. But, while I was chatting with Jeremy, the hubby called. It was a number I did not recognize, but it was not a pay phone so I answered it. The first words out of his mouth were about how I had fucked him by taking all the money out of the bank. We argued about it for a minute or two, and then I told him not to bother coming home. The saddest part of all of this, is that neither one of us cried. I did after we hung up. (I still am.) But I couldn't cry while we were talking. I put up this front of being a "tough bitch", but I really am not. I am scared as hell right now. I just lost the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and I am now completely alone in this world. He may not have been what I needed him to be, but at least when I needed to cry he would sometimes be here to hold me. I think that is what I will miss the most. Just being held once in a while. This really sucks. I have not been alone for a really long time now. I am not quite sure what to do with myself. I really didn't think it would hurt so much. I knew I was not in love with him anymore, and I knew he was no longer in love with me. So, I figured it might be easy to just let go. But hearing him be so cold about it all, well that just broke my heart into about a million tiny pieces. You would think after giving this man my life for fifteen years, he would have some feelings for me. I am not a bad person, I just don't get why I do not seem to be worthy of being loved like I want to be loved. My father just came in and saw me crying. I asked him that question. He said that I am worthy, that the hubby is the one who was not worthy of me. But, right at this moment, that is not the way it feels. Right now it feels as if no one will ever love me again. Ever since I turned twelve and wore a D-cup bra, I have had some member of the opposite sex telling me that they loved me. In most cases this was just a lie. Call me cynical, but I am not sure I will ever be able to trust those words again. "I Love You", seems to come too easily to most people these days. It does not come easy for me. I do not find love a difficult emotion to feel, quite the opposite. When I love, I do so without question, without reservation, and with all that I am. But, saying "I Love You" to someone takes effort for me. As soon as you say those words you open yourself up to heartache. If they really know me, they know that once I say those words, I am theirs heart and soul, and that they can use and abuse me. That is why I have only said those words to three men in all my life. And so far they have proved that they did not really mean it when they said it to me. That is not a very good track record. Toni told me the other day, that the hubby was just not the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. That he was here for a season, and to take the small measure of joy I received from him as a gift, and all the pain he caused me as a lesson. She said that I need to move on so I can be open to finding the one that is supposed to be with me forever. I find no comfort in those words. Aww, fuck it. I am already tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself. (Insert nose blowing and tear wiping here.) I should be looking on the bright side of things. I am now free to do whatever and whomever I want. Maybe I will just become a lesbian, and cut out the hassle of lying men all together. Anyway, I have lots of things to do today. I will be back, never fear. Hopefully I will not be sitting on my pity pot when I return. That's all, Bye.