I willingly admit I lost...

Okay, so I got fucked again. (Not literally of course, that would be pleasurable. And God knows i am not allowed any pleasure in my life, that would be asking for too much.) See, it seems "The Honey" is just as big a liar as the hubby. I should have known really. Any man who says "I Love You" before you say it is a liar. If they say it after you say it, they are a liar. If they open their mouths to speak, they are lying. Okay, maybe that is not strictly true. I have known some men who are not liars. I think when my grandfather told me that he loved me he was telling the truth. I think when my son says it, that he is speaking from his heart. But let a man think that there may be something in it for him to say those three little words, and they come flying out faster than a speeding bullet. See, I asked "The Honey" a question this weekend. Gave him the opportunity to come completely clean with me, with no hard feelings, and no change in our "relationship". He lied anyway. I just do not get it. Why lie if you do not have to? I guess I just do not understand, because it is not in my nature to tell lies. I have been upfront with him from day one. I have nothing to hide, simply because I do not tell lies in the first place. Does that make any sense? Anyway, I can deal with a lot of shit, but lies are not one of those things. So, I guess that is that. Time to answer that email that has been sitting in my inbox awaiting my reply for the last couple of days. I mean really, he heads the Omaha branch of FEMA, he is a hell of a lot closer, and apparently he is really interested in meeting me. The way I understand it, he has a pretty good life, and quite frankly I think I am done looking for love, it just doesn't exist for me, so now i am willing to settle for someone who will get up each morning and put in his hours to pay the bills. I really never thought I was one to settle for less than all my heart yearns for, but every time I let my heart get involved, I just end up fucked up even worse. You know, the worst thing is, that I know better. I am a smart woman where all else is concerned. But when it comes to my heart, I just offer it up as a sacrifice to be destroyed. I just don't understand why they take pleasure in hurting me. What the hell do they get out of it? Is there some kind of contest where they get points each time they make me cry, and no one has bothered to clue me in on it? If that is the case, let me offer this up... You win, I give up, I can't take anymore, I concede defeat. There, will that do the trick, can you be done fucking with me now? Or do I need to take out an ad in the three largest newspapers in America telling the world that you were victorious? Do I need to rent some billboard space? Tell me what it will take to make you stop tearing me in two. I do not have any fight left in me. Not for this. I have nothing left for you to destroy. I have no love left to offer to the next one. You used it all up. You have killed the part of me that had the capacity to give a shit about myself or anyone else. Are you proud yet? You should be. You have done what no other man was able to do. Wouldn't your Momma be so proud? That's all. Fuck this.